dream quote

Saturday, September 16th, 2017 12:49 am
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I wrote down the following, after waking from a dream. It was something I had been thinking (or maybe telling someone) in the dream. I remember that at the time, after waking up, it only made half-sense, though in the dream it had seemed very significant and true, in a sad way. Now it makes even less sense.

"I feel like I'm living life from the outside in." (like I don't really have a life of my own.. just ~pretending/reacting...


Thursday, September 7th, 2017 08:22 am
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I woke up, sitting in my chair at work with my head leaning back. I had fallen asleep at work! It was now the middle of the night... when I saw a clock, it showed 4am.

I got up and started walking, to wake myself up. I walked into the next building where I don't normally go, and promptly got lost. I was surprised that there were still a lot of other people around, still working at that hour.

I saw sunlight starting to brighten the curtains on the east side of the building, and walked over there to look at the sunrise. When I looked out the window, I saw the ocean and a beach down below! I exclaimed something in surprise, and another guy nearby said something like yeah, the company put that there for employees. I said I had never seen it before, and looked back outside again. It looked like the real ocean, with waves, but it only extended out for a short distance and ended.

I found my way back to my cube and was preparing to leave, when I heard/saw another co-worker just leaving, locking the door behind them. I worried for a moment that he was locking me in, but then I remembered that I had a key - hopefully it worked from the inside too, to unlock the door.

seeing dream

Saturday, November 19th, 2016 05:46 pm
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I've been trying to find a replacement for my old sleep mask. It was contoured foam, so that it didn't press on my eyes or lashes. The lining is coming apart. But I've tried 3 new ones of that kind now, even one of the exact same brand & model as the old one, and they are all uncomfortable. They must be a different shape or a different type of foam. The thicker parts of the foam on the edges press into the side of my face when I sleep on my side.

I tried the 3rd new one out last night, and was able to sleep for a while with it on, with my head slanted slightly upwards on the pillow, as it isn't quite as uncomfortable as the other 2 were. But it entered into my dream.

In my dream, I was wearing the mask with my eyes open in the daytime. And I could see everything clearly in spite of the mask blocking my eyes! But I only could see when my eyes were open. When I closed them, I couldn't see. And I thought, aha that is how it works - when I close my eyes, my brain knows that it shouldn't see anything, and so it doesn't. But with them open... there was some explanation for why I could see in spite of my eyes being covered, but I don't remember it. Something about my vision coming outward from my brain, not inward from outside.

Which actually makes a lot of sense, considering I was dreaming.

I'm pretty sure the dream was related to a video alcippe linked to several months ago.

day do day dah

Sunday, May 22nd, 2016 02:35 am
darkoshi: (Default)
Today (or rather yesterday), I:
- got more than 8 hours sleep
- turned in some old/broken electronics for recycling at Best Buy
- took some clothes & other stuff to Goodwill
- returned an unopened wireless doorbell to Lowes (Qiao bought it, but I wanted to get a different one that can be plugged into an outlet rather than requiring batteries)
- went grocery shopping

While sleeping, the last part of a dream involved a long flight of marble steps, outside, which I sat down on and slid down. I was expecting a somewhat rough ride on my butt, but it was gentle, comfortable, so I laid back all the way and closed my eyes for a bit. I reached my right arm out to slow down and stop myself. The steps went down into a large body of water (which wasn't there to begin with, but appeared while I was descending) and I stopped before reaching the water. But then all of a sudden before I could get up, this guy sat his heavy self down on me and started pressing hard on the jugular vein on one side of my neck, as if trying to make me pass out. Though I suppose he would have needed to do both sides of my neck to accomplish that. Then I woke up.

While shopping, I picked up a case (12 units) of Tofutti non-dairy American Cheese slices which I had ordered, since no stores in the area carry it anymore that I'm aware of. It goes on my lunch sandwiches for work, along with Vegenaise and Tofurky vegan pepperoni.

The intersection of Forest Drive and Beltline Blvd has some kind of noise device installed that must be intended for helping visually impaired people. Something like an Accessible Pedestrian Signal, I suppose. But it doesn't make a chirping, beeping, or cuckoo noise. It doesn't have a voice saying "Walk". It makes a HORRENDOUSLY LOUD SCREECHING BUZZING noise. I can't imagine who thought such a thing would be a good idea. I feel sorry for anyone who has to work in the area. Is the noise intended for people who are both blind and almost deaf?

If the noise only came on when a visually impaired person was walking in the area, it would make more sense to me (though if it were me, I'd avoid walking in that area at all costs, to avoid the horrible noise). But it never turns off from what I can tell. Surely in this day and age, where nearly everyone has a cell phone, apps could be available to allow people to trigger the noise makers only when they are nearing the intersection and actually need the audible assistance.

I've encountered a few other intersections with way too loud noise-makers (beepers and tickers), but this one has got to be the worst. I wouldn't want to live within a half mile of it.

I tried to find a video of the noise, but failed, even though I found a video of the intersection from February. Either the noise-maker is very new, or the news station edited that sound out of the video, or maybe it doesn't make noise all the time after all.

flying dream

Monday, April 25th, 2016 09:14 am
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I was on some slope overlooking the ocean, near a big tree, looking up though its branches. It must have been morning, due to the angle and color of the sunlight.

I started to lift up off the ground and fly. It occurred to me for a moment that I was flying even though I was awake (I'm awake, right? Yes, I am, how about that), and it seemed the most natural thing. Like, finally, I can fly while being awake.

I rose up to a certain height, and "flew" up the slope, then touched down on a grassy green meadow. At first I was alone there. Then a truck/vehicle started coming towards me from one direction, so that I had to move out of its path. Then another truck/vehicle came towards me from the other direction, and maybe another... I didn't fly upwards to get out of their way, as it seems I didn't want them to see me fly. Around then I woke up.


When I fly in dreams, it's not like bird flight. To lift off, I levitate upwards as if I've become lighter than air (controlled by my conscious thought). Sometimes I have a feeling of not being totally in control, like I might rise up further than intended if not careful. But in today's dream there was none of that. Then I drift in whatever direction I want to go. In the above dream, I used a slight hand motion to trigger the movement. I don't have much sense of my body while flying; for the above dream, I don't remember if my body was in an upright or superman position while flying. Unlike when I'm awake, there's usually no fear of heights.


Tuesday, March 1st, 2016 11:12 pm
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Creepy dream this morning, with me disposing of a dead body (of which I had nothing to do with the death) and then anxiously realizing that the authorities wouldn't approve of the way I had disposed of it, if they found out.


The dead goose has been floating at the edge of the pond for the last 3 weeks, slowly decomposing. I haven't noticed any bad smells, walking by. Yesterday there was a buzzard near that edge of the lake. It flew away as I approached. I didn't realize that buzzards would eat meat that's been dead *that* long.

creepy dream

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016 07:34 am
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I was being shown an island. Which had 4 or 5 big houses/estates on it. I guess rich people went there for vacations.

I was then in one of the houses with a couple other people, sitting at a table. The guy (one of the rich people who lived there?) asked or told me to go into a room at the other end of the hall/building (to fetch something?), and then come back and enter the room behind us. So I got up and walked away. But I didn't go into the room at the end of the hall yet (unbeknownst to them). Somehow I heard them continuing to talk, about how there was an unknown guy in the room behind them (at that point, I was able to somehow see the outline of this unknown person through the walls), and when I came back and entered the room, he would kill me, and...

So I didn't go back. I stayed on the other end of the building for hours, till the other people got up from the table and walked away. Eventually I walked back. There was fancy food / desserts on the long banquet table. When I got back to the end of the table where we had been sitting that morning, the guy was there again, and someone else. I felt that I was safe now; that whatever the danger had been, it was past.

I asked the guy (who was now somehow the same person as the unknown guy in the room), "So what would have happened if I had come back?"

His facial expression changed to incredulity/shock, as if he knew I knew, and how could I know?
Then it changed to anger/hate. He said "I would have" and demonstrated (without touching me) a roundhouse kick to my head, "and..." and then another kick...

I said "So you would have killed me. And then what?", and woke up. But when I woke up, I kept thinking, that's not what I wanted to ask! I wanted to ask WHY??? Why would they have killed me?


Friday, January 22nd, 2016 01:20 pm
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I realized I had awoken. And I thought, "That was a dream? ... That was an Awesome Dream!!!"

I tried to remember it. The following was only the last bit of it. There was much more before, but that was too far gone already, to remember.

I was falling.
For an interminable time, as if I must surely smash into the ground and die.
(From a giant Tree? There had been another tree nearby, and someone Else who had suchly fallen and had felt great fear while falling, but they *had* hit the ground and died.)

Yet my falling kept being halted, and switching to weightlessness. Then falling again.

I was being played with, I realized. By a god. The god.
(I had the distinct feeling in the dream that the god was female gendered, and me male, but there was nothing otherwise gendered or sexual about the dream.)

So, knowing that this was a game and that She did not want me to die, only to be afraid, lightened my fears.

Eventually the Falling stopped.
Then the God beckoned, and I came - or maybe They pulled me - across galaxies and empty Space. I could see a set of ~7 galaxies, passing by. Then we stopped, having reached the destination (one of the galaxies?)

We were suddenly in a room, like an office (but I knew it was a jail cell).
The God was cutting a piece of pinkish ribbon (like for wrapping presents) in order to bind my wrists with it. A short piece. She was going to tape it closed.

I held my wrists out with my hands in loose fists, palms up. She indicated to turn them the other way, so I did. She must have tied them/taped them with the ribbon, as then she was writing in some Notebook of hers.

I watched/read as she wrote. It was some notes about me, and she was writing a Number at the top of the page. I realized it was a number to identify me, the prisoner, the specimen. It was a large number; like 16 thousand and something. I was one of that many prisoners of hers.

I became intensely sad, realizing that even if she came to visit me in this cell, that they would be short visits, with eternity in between.

But then I made my sadness be still and go away, for right now, she was here. I should appreciate/enjoy her Presence while I still could.

Around the time that I woke up, I was thinking about how easily I could break the ribbon binding my wrists, if it weren't that doing so would bring Her wrath. Who would dare to invoke her wrath? Or maybe the light binding was so I could free myself if other Danger came. Or maybe the ribbon would shortly transform into thick steel.


Saturday, January 10th, 2015 09:35 pm
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short version: I realized I was about to die in the next instant. I woke up gasping for air.

long version:
I walked to the window to admire the pretty colors in the sky. It was just before dawn. I saw cars and pickup trucks floating up into the air, like airplanes taking off but without the noise, and slower. Then it occurred to me that cars can't fly, and the view became darker, less distinct. Peering into the darkness, I saw that the cars weren't flying, but rather driving up a curvy plastic-looking bridge. A car dealership must have been moving its fleet of vehicles up to the top of that building. One of the cars seemed like it was driving too fast, and would slip off the curvy bridge, but it didn't. But then there were 2 tractor trailers driving up, and they started slipping over the edge. I was no longer in the house, but rather in the passenger seat of a car, looking up. The tractor trailer was directly overhead and falling towards me. There was no time for me to get out of the car. I realized that I was about to die in the next instant. I woke up gasping for air.

Nothing flashed before my eyes in that instant. No memories or anything. Just the realization that this truck was going to crash down on top of me, and that I wouldn't survive it.

odd dream

Saturday, November 9th, 2013 01:50 pm
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I was outside with someone else, apparently having trimmed / cut back overgrowth. The other person mentioned that this one plant that had been trimmed was an oracle.

There was a question/mystery we needed answered. So I addressed the plant, "Oh, Oracle Plant, ..."

Immediately, a vine on the plant grew outwards, and wrapped itself around my wrists. It may have also wrapped one around my neck. But it wasn't menacing; it was recognizing me as a supplicant.
darkoshi: (Default)
I had a weird dream the other night. There was a huge spider in my mom's bathroom sink. Like, it took up the whole space of the sink basin and the legs were as thick as chopsticks. Except a couple legs had broken off. Maybe the spider was long dead and desiccated? No, the broken off legs were still moving, even detached from the body. There were also other regular sized spiders in the background.

I took a large kitchen strainer and managed to trap the large spider in order to toss it outside.

After waking up, much later it occurred to me that maybe that was one of my "not being able to find a clean and normal bathroom" dreams. They don't usually involve spiders.

Even later, I remembered that a few weeks ago, I had helped my mom catch a big scary spider, which had been lurking in her spare bathroom. The kind, which after tossing it outside, far away outside, you worry about it coming back to get you. But it wasn't *that* big.
darkoshi: (Default)
(continuing on the subject of my last post)

My procrastinating on going to bed at night isn't always due to not being sleepy. Today, I was tired enough after getting home from work that I might have been able to go straight to bed and fall asleep. I did lie down to rest for a moment, and it took me quite a while to get back up.

Last night after having gotten ready for bed, I was still asking myself why I didn't feel enthused about it.

One answer was that there was no very tangible reward/benefit of getting enough sleep, to look forward to.

I don't have particularly bad dreams, but I so very rarely have memorably good dreams, that the thought of dreaming isn't something I look forward to. Most of my dreams are slightly on the unpleasant side - walking back and forth across a city looking for something I've lost, or trying to catch the correct train to get to where I'm going, and so on. Or the common "repeatedly failing to find a clean and normal bathroom" dream that tells me that I need to wake up and use the bathroom.

The obvious benefit of getting enough sleep is that I won't be as tired the next day; ie. that I'll feel better. But at night, that thought doesn't impress me much. For instance, last night I was thinking: So what. I've had enough sleep before, and what good did it do? What's so great about getting 8 hours of sleep? Tomorrow, I'll just be at work all day anyway, getting tired again, no matter how chipper and bushy-tailed I start out the day.

Well. No more time to continue those thoughts, as it is once again time for bed. (Sheesh. Don't even have time to finish any thoughts, or to really do them any justice as I'm too tired to begin with. Yadda yadda yadda.)
darkoshi: (Default)
The internet access got faster later in the evening, so I was able to connect to my VPN. But it was still slow, and I ending up not getting to bed until past midnight. I woke up from some interesting dreams.

In one, there was a house which had some kind of large Prometheus (?) statue in back, but the owner had it replaced by a large sundial, because the statue was too emotional for him. But there was still some other large and curious statue on the roof.


Saturday, October 17th, 2009 05:20 pm
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I'm possibly overdoing the number of postings here today.

But I had a dream the other night, which was sort of a combination of Return from Witch Mountain and Return of the Jedi. I was a jedi, and I had to protect Tony and Tia.... sort of cool.

Last night my hands and feet were cold, and that kept me from falling asleep. Then I turned the heater on and finally after a while got warm enough to fall asleep. But then I kept waking up with a totally dried-out mouth - dry-mouth is supposed to be one of the side effects of Wellbutrin. One of the dreams I had, this guy was trying to break into my house at night, and I was peeking out the windows trying to see if he was still sneaking around outside.


Sunday, October 11th, 2009 09:56 pm
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I'm going to ask my psych to write me a prescription for budeprion (the generic form of Wellbutrin). I'm interested in how that one will affect me, compared to the Pristiq and Lexapro. Also, based on my pharmacy plan, budeprion is a "step therapy" prerequisite for Pristiq. So even if I go back to Pristiq after trying the budeprion, I'll then have a lower copay for it than if I didn't try the prerequisite.

As for the Pristiq, I'm not sure what my opinion of it is. I've noticed 2 side-effects that concern me. One is that I feel my vision is a bit worse. I especially notice that at work. Glaucoma is one of the things to watch out for when taking Pristiq, and my family has a history of glaucoma. So having my vision be worse worries me.

The other side-effect is that it seems to interact badly with antihistamines; it makes me much more drowsy than when I take the antihistamine on its own. This happens even with loratadine syrup, which is supposed to be a non-drowsy antihistamine. When I took a dose of loratadine syrup last week, against one of the unexplained itchy swellings, I ended up feeling drowsy for 2 whole days.

I've had a few other side-effects, but they were temporary and not of much concern.

I definitely feel better on the Pristiq than I did on the Lexapro. But I'm not sure if I feel better than I did before taking either of them. I feel sort of hyper... like wanting to get a lot of things done. I'm finding it hard to just relax and not do anything. But that may have been the case before getting on the anti-depressants too. I'm not sure. My mood seems somewhat better. But maybe it is a coincidence; I'm not sure. I feel like I've been too busy to brood or be sad; not that I wouldn't still be sad if I took the time to just think about things. Maybe I want the Pristiq to be helping me. Maybe the thinking that I may be feeling better is the placebo effect.

Oh, and I did have one "good" dream recently, while on the Pristiq. One of those very rare ones, even though after waking up and thinking about the dream, it didn't seem as special as it did while dreaming it. But still, even having a dream like that is noteworthy.

(no subject)

Saturday, May 23rd, 2009 08:30 pm
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I don't know yet how to go about either getting top surgery or getting on antidepressants. The latter seems simpler - look up psychologists in my health insurance directory, and choose one. The former involves more research and deciding if I really want to go ahead with it, and finding out if I can even get it done. But I wonder if I get on antidepressants, if that could make it harder to get top surgery. Maybe a doctor would think that me being on psych meds was a sign of mental instability. It's probably hard enough convincing a doctor that I want my breasts removed even though I don't plan on presenting as male.

I just noticed that Bro and Pard chipped the inside finish on one of my enamel pots. It shouldn't bother me; it's just a pot. Friends and family are more important than pots, right? It seems like I should appreciate having them here more than I do; it seems like I should enjoy their company and their presence, and not just always be finding fault with things.

I read this post earlier. At first, I thought, "Aw, that's sweet, someone in love". But then I got to thinking, that I've never really felt that way about anyone - being in love and missing the other person's physical presence. I even find it hard to imagine. The closest thing I can think of is when I had my first crush (as well as the 2nd), and I missed being able to communicate/interact with that person when he wasn't online and when he did not respond to my emails in a timely manner. I suppose that if we had been having a lot of physical interactions that were as exciting as the online interactions, that then I might have also missed his physical presence.

I missed Q's online presence too, at times, in the beginning. Now we don't interact online anymore... I still miss that somewhat, when I think about it. There's something I get, when chatting online with someone, that I don't get in their physical presence. I suppose that must seem odd to other people. Or maybe it's just the sexual tension that used to be there, which isn't anymore. Maybe that is what I miss, and even if we chatted online now, it would not be the same as it was back then.

I don't miss Q on the days he's not here... I know he's coming back in a day or two, so what is there to miss? I only get sad and think about missing him, when I think about us breaking up. Because then he wouldn't be back, ever.

I get to feeling sorry for myself when I think about such things. Poor me, I don't like anyone enough to miss them. Poor me, there's no sexual tension in my life. Poor me, I've lost the capability to feel sexual tension. Poor ole me.

I had a sexual dream last night. It involved rubber sandals. Q was in a part of it. It wasn't a particularly memorable or special dream, but I was feeling subby in it. And oddly, it also included a woman from work whom I'm not in the least attracted to when I'm awake. In the dream, she was acting domly towards me.

This whole BDSM thing is an unresolved issue with me. I feel bitter and disappointed when I think about BDSM. I can't have sexual tension without D/s. But I don't want to submit to anyone. Because when I do, nothing good comes of it.

Poor ole me. Blah, blah, blah.

(no subject)

Sunday, August 17th, 2008 12:21 am
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The house across the street was playing Mexican music for a while. But then it stopped and a woman was yelling and it sounded like she was... maybe breaking glass, or banging metal... knives? against each other? A guy is yelling now too, but it is not as loud anymore.

I made brownies. And baked the frozen apple turnovers at the same time, since the oven was on anyway. I ironed the new curtains I had bought for the red room. Perhaps this week I will buy a nice curtain rod for them. I have vacation. And I ironed the shirts I had washed. I stir-fried some parsley.

This morning I was hearing a song in my dream. A man's voice was singing "I've been missing you forever and a day.. for-eeeverrrrr..." From what I've googled, there isn't any song with those lyrics, so my head must have made it up. It surprises me, my head doing that, not just the lyrics but the actual music along with them, because my head doesn't very often do that when its awake. Before that part of the dream, a song was playing on the car radio, with the words "Stop it, stop it, stop it"... a sort of dancy song.

I cut the rest of the grass that I didn't get to yesterday, because the 2 batteries I have for my electric trimmer only last so long before I have to recharge them. I've got 2 shirts for which I plan to sew the sides in tighter because I don't like how they look when they wallow out behind me.

A movie I finished watching yesterday, "Nobody Knows", was macabre near the end. I wasn't expecting that.

Now the yelling is over. Someone was just signal-whistling; a kid probably.

I feel listless. What is life for?

(no subject)

Wednesday, December 26th, 2007 08:21 pm
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I had a dream about one of the people on my LJ friends-list ([livejournal.com profile] tlttlotd) last night. They were showing off bionic/cybernetic body modifications which they had. There were a whole bunch of these mods, but I only remember an extra pair of arms, and metal hands protuding from the inside of both knees, each grasping a bundle of crossbow-bolts/arrows.


I got to see photos taken of me earlier this year. I looked really cute in them. I like the way my hair was then, very short on the bottom and not too long on the top, and no hair pins. The vest I had on looked good too, and I looked so slim and dapper, leaning against the counter with my hands in my pants-pockets. In most of the photos I even had a cute look on my face, which was surprising since I don't normally photograph that well.

Before that, I had already decided to end my experiment with growing out my hair. On Xmas Eve morning, my hair was being quite annoying as usual - it doesn't matter how long it gets, it still manages to curl up and tickle my nose - and I had come to the conclusion that I did not like the way I looked with my hair like that, and that I likely wouldn't like it much better even with it longer. So I cut the front hair into bangs again. Now I don't need to use pins anymore - freedom! (man, those hair-pins were torturous.) I had decided to cut more than that, but that this would do as a temporary measure.


I glanced at the glowing Christmas tree and burst into tears, before. This is the first year I've had a Christmas tree on my own, in my own house (although it is really Forestfen's tree, and our accumulated ornaments on it). And it seems odd, somehow. I put it up all on my own, alone. And now it is standing there, alone with me in this house. The lights are glowing pretty.

(no subject)

Monday, July 23rd, 2007 07:34 pm
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I went back to the store's fitting rooms yesterday, and I did find my earcuff. Yay.

I got done the things I needed to get done, but didn't get to bed till late. Well, not all the things that needed doing, but the pressing ones.

Today I've been either having a bad case of allergies, or coming down with a cold. I wonder if I was already getting sick this weekend (I did have a slight headache), and if that contributed to my moodiness. Or if whether being stressed and not getting enough sleep over the weekend lowered my immune system function and caused me to get sick today.

I was looking at the allergy medicines at the drug store, and noticed that all the Claritin/Loratadine tablets contain lactose. I would have thought that they would at least have one kind without, for people who are allergic to milk products. Other tablets are made without lactose, so surely they could do the same for loratadine.

I was dreaming last night that I was alone in my bedroom at the old house, and criminals and cops were outside my door and around the house having a shoot-out. I hid in my closet and tried to duck behind furniture in order to avoid being shot by stray bullets.