darkoshi: (Default)
Rhiannon Giddens - Wayfaring Stranger

The above song sounds VERY familiar to me. It triggered a memory of a different voice singing it, in a slightly different way. But the song title is not present in my music collection, unless I taped it from the radio on one of my as yet uncatalogued audio cassettes.

I checked a list of other artists who have covered the song, and when I saw Dolly Parton's name, I thought "oh YES, that's the voice I was thinking of." But the only solo song I have by Dolly Parton is this one:
Dolly Parton - Little Sparrow

Both of those songs sound very similar to me. So that must be the song I was remembering.

Dolly Parton has sung Wayfaring Stranger, too. The beginning of it has the same sound as the above two, but once past 30 seconds in, it sounds very different. So this is NOT the song I was remembering.
Dolly Parton - Wayfaring Stranger

Audra May has sung a cover of Little Sparrow, which is also very good:
Audra Mae - Little Sparrow
darkoshi: (Default)
I know it's not true, but it seems like *everybody* got to see totality except me (and of course my mom and Qiao, who were with me.)

I know I'm lucky to have been able to experience as much of it as I did experience. To not have even had to travel anywhere to experience it. There are surely people who traveled far from home to see it, and had clouds get in the way; that would have been even worse bad luck. And I'm sure there were many people who were in the path, but were unable to watch it for other reasons.

What with the weather forecasts, it's not like I was really *expecting* to be able to see it. I knew it was a long-shot. It seemed, though, that even if I were to drive somewhere else with a better forecast, it would be just as much a matter of luck, along with the risk of being stuck in traffic during the actual event.

But that break in the clouds here as it was getting closer to totality really made it seem like we were going to get to see it after all... and then... that big dark cloud, sob.

I'm glad that on Monday evening, there was one announcer on TV, who when the others were talking about it, said "well actually I didn't get to see it; in my area it was raining". It made me feel less alone in my bad luck. He's one of only two people I've heard on TV who were in the path of totality, who said they didn't get to see it due to clouds or rain.

I wonder, if I had seen it, if it would have seemed really special, or just a neat glowing disk in the sky. I suspect that latter, because nothing feels really special to me. So it's not like I probably even missed a great experience.

Oh, man. There's a pretty good video of it on this page. But apparently, totality was even visible in Charleston and on the coast, though the weather map had been showing the worst cloud cover there. ::sob, I'm cursed::

... oh, wait. Here's some other people who had clouds. See there, self, you're not the only one with disappointment.


I saw the crescent moon this evening, around 9pm. Sunset was around 8pm.

hey ha ketchup ho

Saturday, January 24th, 2015 03:22 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I was enjoying the upbeat background music in a video; a song I've heard before but couldn't place. It sounded Spanish, but the foreground noise in the video made it difficult to hear the lyrics. All I could make out was "I say hey ha...", and supposed that searching on that would give a ton of unrelated results. But I did the search anyway, and after only a few clicks I found the song (much to my surprise).

Aserejé aka The Ketchup Song, which according to Wikipedia was an international hit in 2002. The part of the lyrics I heard were really "Aserejé ja de je de jebe..." which isn't actually Spanish but rather a non-sensical translation of a line from "Rapper's Delight".

The actual song, while still fun-sounding, didn't sound upbeat as the one in the video, so I thought that maybe it was a remix. But after comparing them again, they are the same version. The distracting foreground noise in the video - excited young people screaming/cheering on a group of dancers - affected my impression of the song, making it seem more exciting and cheerful.


Saturday, February 25th, 2012 12:59 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
Reasons I post things online:

- to solicit answers/information on things I don't know
* to get answers

- to provide information to others
* to feel helpful & useful

- to entertain others
* to feel appreciated & useful

- to describe myself and/or my experiences
* to let similar people know that they are not alone & to thereby feel useful
* to get feedback from others; to feel less alone; to feel that others like me

- to express my emotions
* to understand them
* to remember them later
* writing about them helps the emotions to pass
(but why do I feel like posting those kinds of writings online?)
* to feel heard
(why do I want to feel heard? with emotional things, I often don't even want any feedback, so why?)
* to feel like I'm leaving a visible mark, no matter how small, on the world
(why do I want to leave a mark?)
* to transform emotional pain from something internal and transient into something external and permanent?
(buy why? what do I gain from it?)

(no subject)

Sunday, February 20th, 2011 10:47 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
When watching documentaries and non-fiction TV shows, I would like the option of turning off the background music but keeping the vocals. I may be interested in the topic, without wanting to be emotionally lambasted by spooky, ominous, sad, and/or haunting music. Perhaps someday that option will be available.
darkoshi: (Default)
I want to feel awed. Not by a stranger's physical or mental skills, but by something more personal. Mystical. Magical.
I want to feel that sense of belonging, contentedness, which I've only felt in a few ancient dreams and fantasies.
I want to feel gleeful excitement.
I want to have fun.

This relationship soothes some of the pain but does not heal the wound.
I am still alone.

I want to feel something, something other than pain.

(no subject)

Sunday, October 18th, 2009 10:26 am
darkoshi: (Default)
Still emotional. This guy I don't even really know, other than the name, posted on one of the lists that he was throwing a milestone birthday party for himself and inviting all his friends to come to a fun event... That seemed like such a brave, unusual thing to do, when I read it. But now he cancelled it, due to "not really any interest". Made me cry to think about it from his point of view. Which is somewhat silly, right?, as maybe it didn't even bother him that much, if he was that brave to begin with.

But anyway.

Sunshine! Finally. The birds and squirrels are scampering and playing in it.

I got a good amount of sleep last night and feel much better today.

It looks like I'm going to be doing Halloween again this year. Got a pumpkin, got candy....
But it seems I shall have to invest in some advertising of my candy-giveaway business, if I want to get any costumed munchkins at all at my doorstep on the special day. A nearby house has a fantastic Halloween display with a lighted ghoul clawing its way out of the ground. I will put colored lights up on one of the trees in my front-yard. And perhaps I'll go see what kind of decorations they have available this year the stores... Hehehheh, Halloween stuff, and having an actual reason to buy it!

I discovered that hollow doors aren't hollow on about the outer 1.5 inches of the door edges. (Hurrah for stud-finders!) That made putting up the magnetic doorstop much easier than I had thought it was going to be. I also got the push-down spring-loaded doorstops put up on 2 of the other doors. They were even easier to install than the magnetic one. But they are too slick on the bottom to work very well. I will attach some better rubber so that they hold the doors better.
darkoshi: (Default)
A cucumber I had in the fridge got bad. I had to throw it into the compost pile yesterday. It was an organic cucumber. A nice green firm beauty, to begin with. And it was even a gift, of sorts. Someone else had bought it for me, for us.
Later at night, brushing my teeth, I thought about it again and got tears in my eyes and a sniffy nose, and felt like sobbing. Imagining the nice happy cucumber growing in a field with the nice sunshine shining on it... and then when it was all nice and big and ripe, it being picked and travelling in some truck, and ending up in the store, and being bought, with such high hopes of cucumberness... and then I left it in the fridge uneaten for too long, and it got bad!!! (It still seems sad today, writing this, but not sad enough for tears)

I neglected it. The poor cucumber!

So anyway, while brushing my teeth last night, I felt a mixture of intense sorrow/guilt/cucumber-empathy, along with a logical awareness of how bizarre it was to be feeling that way. I was obviously over-emotional. I had gotten pissed off earlier too, from just hearing someone on TV speaking at the Republican convention.

Today I was thinking about it again, about how I could feel so sad over a cucumber. Cucumbers don't have emotions. It doesn't care whether it ends up in someone's stomach, or in the compost pile. So why did I feel so sad thinking about it? Maybe in my mind, the cucumber had a guardian spirit watching over it, and this spirit was so proud of the nice cucumber.... so maybe I'm sad for the sadness of this spirit, in having the cuke come to this kind of end? But surely the spirit would have more than a single cucumber to watch over, and surely the spirit understands that some vegetables go bad; it's just the way things go. Or maybe not, maybe... anyway. That was a rather odd thought-process too.

(no subject)

Saturday, April 26th, 2008 12:07 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
Q and I went out to eat yesterday at a Mediterranean-cuisine restaurant. We were looking for a different restaurant, but as we didn't find it, we chose to go to this one. It appeared to be very new. The food was good, and the ambiance was very nice. The walls looked to have been recently painted - a warm orange on top and red on the bottom, with nice metal decorations artfully placed. The white napkins were folded into tall columns at every plate. Nice music was playing.

But Q and I were the only patrons there, during the whole time we were there. And this was on a Friday evening, in a crowded shopping area. Other restaurants we had driven by appeared to be packed. When Q joked to the waiter, as he often does, about our bill and whether the chef was paying for our meal today, the waiter responded about how, with business like it was, they needed every dollar.

It makes me so sad thinking about it... someone put a lot of effort into opening a nice restaurant, and probably had high hopes of it being a success, and it's really a nice place, but ... this. Hardly any customers. They will probably go out of business. It makes me want to cry, except I know it's a silly thing to cry about. That is just how things are. Some ventures succeed and some fail.

house stuff

Sunday, June 17th, 2007 06:10 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
Ants are building a hill next to and over the water meter cover next to the street. Crawling all over it. That's where the main water shut-off is too, which I wanted to test before installing the new faucet, in case I run into problems with the valves under the sink. Guess I'll have to do something about that. I dislike using *-cides.

Trying to type one-handed while eating a popsickle is difficult and takes the fun out of eating the popsickle. ::goes off to finish popsickle::

I've gotten more used to using the weed-wacker to cut the grass. My arms don't go numb afterwards anymore, and I don't seem to have as much muscle-ache from it. I've also suppressed most of my emotional reaction to chopping up pretty plants and (weed) flowers. The first time, after I noticed myself wacking off the flowers, I felt like crying and quit for the day.

My dad's wife... does one call someone a step-mom, if they married when you were an adult, and you never lived with her while growing up?... kindly offered that they would pay for me to buy a washing machine for the house.

Yesterday, I washed 3 loads of laundry at Forestfen's, and hung it out to dry there. Then went grocery shopping and returned to pick up the clothes and some other items. All well and good except that I overlooked one bag of clean folded sheets and towels when leaving.

There are a lot of nice chirpy birds around here. The roosters still haven't returned. I hope they are off happy in the countryside somewhere, and not being used as gamecocks, and not killed for dinner, and not confiscated and killed by animal control officers. Or whatever other unpleasant things might happen to cute little roosters.

I watched the DVD, Caligula, last week. There was the sound of a rooster crowing in the movie, which made me perk my ear for a moment, til I realized that it was the movie. From the description of the movie, I thought it might be interesting to watch, to see what "porn" is like. Other than the background music to the DVD's menu, I didn't like the movie, though. If that is what all porn is like.... uggh! Even without the gruesome cruelty, maiming, and killing parts, the sex scenes on their own seemed gross to me. Or at the least, boring and distasteful. It makes sex seem totally ugsome, like it seemed when I was younger. And what is with the horrid female giggling sounds during the orgies... was that done to add to the movie's sinister-ness, or do straight guys find that erotic?

The calluses on my palms keep getting thicker, even after I try to trim them off with a razor blade.

Somebody and somebody broke up, and I wish they hadn't. But then, I don't want people to be unhappy, and if they weren't right for each other.... Sigh. And what about me? I don't know.

One of the bedrooms has a slight, pungent odor which bothers me. I can't figure out what it is coming from.

My kitchen cabinets are rather full. Even though I'm trying to maintain the mentality of having enough items to feed myself until the next time I go shopping, as opposed to the mentality of having all the items to cook anything I might ever possibly desire to cook.

(no subject)

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007 09:36 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I like the way I look with my bangs this long, when they hang in my face. But I can't stand having them hang in my face for long. So I use pins to hold them back. But I don't like the way that looks. I have a feeling I won't like the way my hair looks even when it grows long enough to stay out of my eyes even without the pins.

I feel troubled. But I'm too busy to spend much time thinking about it. Thinking about it wouldn't do any good anyway. But I'm in a mood to cry so maybe I will think about it tonight. If I'm not so tired that I just fall asleep. Then again, I don't really feel like crying either.

The house has curious fire alarms in several of the rooms that I at first mistook for doorbells.

(no subject)

Friday, February 9th, 2007 08:02 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
When I'm at home, alone in the house, I'm more likely to yell or scream when something frustrates me, such as the mouse on the computer not working. This is something I allow myself to do... I've had the perspective that it's a good thing to occasionally let loose pent-up emotions in that way.

Whereas when I'm at work with other people around, I contain my annoyance better. I might glare at my monitor, or tap my fingers impatiently a few times, or hit the keys more loudly for a bit while typing, but I certainly don't scream or shout.

But I was thinking this morning, that yelling does not seem to make me feel any better than the other quieter methods do. And actually, the quieter methods may even be less stressful for me. In a way, hearing myself scream in frustration is almost as stressful for me as it would be, hearing someone else do so.

It leaves me with a disquieting sense of not being able to control myself. (Even though I am obviously able to control myself, since I do so at work). But it also leaves me with a sense of being a negative, bitchy person... and I even feel somewhat guilty sometimes, thinking that Yoda, even though he's not human, may feel nervous when he hears me yelling from the other room. It would be embarrassing too, if someone else were to happen to come within earshot of me, without my knowing it.

So I think I shall try to refrain from screaming and shouting when I am annoyed, even when I am alone. I think that will give myself a better view of myself as a calm and competent person. I'll save the yelling for those times when I truly feel like yelling, because I want to, like when I'm singing, not because something has goaded me into it.


I suppose one good thing about it was that it gave my vocal cords exercise, which they don't get much of, otherwise.

(no subject)

Sunday, November 26th, 2006 01:39 am
darkoshi: (Default)
I was thinking today that a part of my problem is that, all logic aside, I haven't emotionally accepted that me and Qiao are finished. That it's finito, game over, no more. But I'm getting there. It's strange how emotions and logic can be such separate and conflicting forces within a person. (And how emotions themselves can be so conflicting. There were emotional forces, after all, in addition to the logical ones, which led to the break-up.)

I do want Qiao to be happy. I do want him to meet someone nice who is compatible with him. Yet imagining him already now being or getting involved with other people bothers me, because that would mean he got over me faster than I got over him. That would mean he didn't really care that much about me. Although that reasoning wouldn't necessarily be true; it might just mean he's more pragmatic than me, or deals with sadness in different ways than me, or gets on with his life faster than me.

I still don't totally trust that he wasn't involved with other people even while involved with me. He's so nice, and he hasn't done anything to tarnish his image in my eyes like Wododu did, but still I have these niggling doubts. What does that say about me? Will I never be able to totally trust anyone, even when they are trustworthy?


What does "to play the dozen" mean? I heard it on TV, a teacher was dealing with a difficult student and told him, "I'm not going to play the dozen with you". So I searched Google, and found an instance of it in a JayZ song, but that didn't explain the meaning or etymology for me.

(no subject)

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006 10:07 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
Maybe these musical insect chirps I hear in the evening aren't crickets after all; that would explain why they sound different.

It's been a while since I've done any singing/screaming/shouting/hollering... with, or without, loud music on.

Emotions in retrospect are easy to disregard.

(no subject)

Thursday, July 6th, 2006 07:13 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I wish there were someone wise enough to tell me what the meanings beneath my words, thoughts, and emotions are. Because I can't figure myself out a lot of the time. I experience thoughts and feelings, and I try to make sense of them, and it seems not much different from trying to make sense of someone else. I try to come up with plausible, logical explanations for my thoughts and feelings... explanations for what I'm feeling and why... and when I have done so, that becomes my momentary "truth", my momentary understanding of myself. I think I've figured myself out, until something else makes me question my previous conclusions. But my understanding of myself isn't necessarily any more accurate than my understanding of anyone else.
darkoshi: (Default)
In retrospect it seems rather obvious, but it's just occurred to me what my fantasies over the last few years have been lacking. And why they don't seem special anymore. They've been lacking the element of love... affection... having someone strongly caring about me, and me caring about them.

A fantasy like that isn't something that my mind can conjure up on the spur of the moment... those kinds of fantasies which I used to have tended to become epics... long stories with many chapters which I would revisit again and again, and embellish in different ways each time. But for some reason, I haven't felt like revisiting my old epic fantasies in my mind anymore. And I haven't created any new ones to replace them.

The fantasies I've been having lately have just been random short ones. The characters in them are basically strangers to me... no real personalities to them; I don't keep the same characters from one fantasy to the next... I don't even remember them well enough to use them again... They don't really care about me, nor me about them. The fantasies are sexual in nature, and I think about them simply in order to get to an orgasm while masturbating.

Yet the orgasms I get from short random fantasies like these don't seem special to me. After I've had them, I couldn't care less about having had them, or about what I was fantasizing about to get them. In retrospect, it's never been the orgasms which were so great for me, it was the accompanying emotions I felt. With my long epic fantasies, after having an orgasm, I still felt warm and fuzzy inside from the emotions. It's the emotions I craved, not so much the orgasms themselves.

Those epic fantasies gave me more than just warm and fuzzy emotions. Balancing the love and affection were other strong emotions including fear, hate, despair, and anger. I craved being able to feel those emotions too. In these fantasies, I was able to experience all these strong emotions while still being able to feel the underlying affection between me and my main counterparts. Being able to imagine all these strong emotions created a much more erotic experience for me, than the short non-emotional fantasies I've been having lately.


I was rather moody the last time Qiao and I were together. I felt like crying. Eventually I couldn't hold it back anymore and burst into tears... ran to the bathroom to be alone while I cried. After a bit, Qiao came for me and tried to get me to listen to him... held my face in his hands and tried to get me to look at him...

In retrospect, that experience with Qiao reminds me of a few scenes from some of my epic fantasies. Me, feeling a strong emotion of despair, yet also feeling caring and affection from my counterpart... Even being rescued from the despair by my counterpart. Me, feeling vulnerable and lost, but also feeling the presence of a strong and caring partner. Now that is the kind of scene which I can think back on, and start feeling warm and fuzzy from... it can feel erotic and can make me feel like masturbating. But surely that is an odd thing. I'm sure Qiao wouldn't want to repeat such a scene with me. I'm sure having me sad and weeping doesn't seem an erotic thing to him.

Although then again, the "being rescued" theme is a fairly common one in romances, isn't it.

(no subject)

Saturday, December 24th, 2005 12:29 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
If anhedonia is the "inability to experience pleasure from normally pleasurable activities", I wonder if there's a word to describe an inability to remember the pleasure experienced from activities, even when those activities have been pleasurable in the past. It seems like I get that way sometimes... Intellectually knowing that I must have enjoyed things in the past, but not really being able to remember it... not being able to remember what it feels like, to feel good... And when you sometimes can't remember ever having felt good in the past, it can make the future seem a horribly unpleasant thing to be burdened with.

(no subject)

Sunday, December 11th, 2005 01:14 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I'm sad because he doesn't make me feel the way they did. And because even the way they made me feel didn't really mean anything, because it wasn't mutual. People can do things that make you feel all wonderful and special without even realizing it; without even intending it; without even understanding it. So how special can those things really be? It's all just a fluke. Doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything.


Friday, November 14th, 2003 10:35 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
brrr! hah. mmmmm. yeppy yeppy yeppy. so.
this liquid bandage stuff is so wonderful. works so much better than the adhesive strip type. and smells nice like chewing gum. oil of cloves.

i am miserable! and happy. except not really. but both. always. yeah, that's what i am. fine and dandy. sad and depressed. mediocre. it's friday! oh so wonderful yep. i will buy bread tomorrow! unless i don't.

hmmm. that's interesting. the active ingredient is 1%. and the first inactive ingredient listed is 6.7%. So what makes up the other 90% of this stuff then? It's something horrible I bet. If I knew what it was, I probably wouldn't want to use it anymore...

it's okay. i can dance naked in the streets. or on my lj page. no-one's looking. dance - dance - hippity hee haw. yep. ka-pow!

the heater's wonderful too. it's so nice not to be out in the cold without... oh darn, it turned off already. but no wankin farthies, it'll come on again. yep. brrr!!!

oh, boo-hoo. boo-hoo. sniffle snaffle. wah wah wah.

lah dah dee i'm stupid stoopid haha hah ha. argh.

lah dee dah.

i'm not alone. it's ok. the whole universe exists in my head. the whole terrible thing. Boom! Ka-pow. Swoosh. it's expanding! and expanding...! Whoa... it's coming back... crikey! Let's get outta here. The whole thing's collapsing back upon us!!! Yee hawww!!! ZWoosh. Ppiff. *~ .

oh. heh. maybe i'll get my kicks jumping out the window. that's a good one. yeppers. surely i can think meself good things to put on my interests list too. surely i got some more. ooh, i know... hmmm.

my hands are cold. someone, say something! i'll thank ye ferret. ohh.... the squashed bodies in the streets....

everytime i hear something about Guantanamo mentioned, it bothers me.
and how do you like that episode of Jag? So they want to portray conscientious objectors as sneaky liers and imply that it'd be good to have military patrolling our streets. yeah. sheesh. What'd I expect from a tv show. oh, but mr. garibaldi was on it! sheez i'm doofuslike.

ooh. you don't want to read me. i'm stoofus like. take me off yer lists and... err. green onions were the culprits?

isn't it annoying having to keep looking at the street when you're driving along and the sky's so pretty?

interview thingy

Saturday, June 21st, 2003 12:43 am
darkoshi: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] andrewducker was nice enough to ask me some interesting questions... )