Darkoshi

and on

2019-12-04T15:46:29Z

words swirl
anger spreads

music doesn't distract well enough
but time will flow

on and on

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TGIFF

2019-09-27T13:09:41Z

8:46am. I'm so mad I want to hit something. But I'll try a written rant instead.

Been f*cking low on sleep for weeks; even lower than usual. Yesterday I was so sleepy I couldn't stop yawning until around the time I took my lunch break in the mid-afternoon. That, even though I got more sleep the night before, 6.6 hours, than the prior 3, and I hadn't been yawning on the prior days.

Today was the first time in weeks that I didn't have a morning Skype call for work. So I set my alarm for 9:30am and got to bed before 1am. By all rights I should have gotten over 8 hours of sleep.

But no, I wake up at 7:20am. And then my body's insides start churning like a f*cking construction crew, keeping me from being able to fall back asleep with all that racket and pounding going on. I finally got up and pointlessly sat on the toilet for a while, thinking that's what my body wanted, but no, that just made me wake up more.

The same kind of thing happened both days last weekend. Waking up early for no reason and not being able to fall back asleep. Although on Sunday, after a long time I did finally, and managed to get about 8 hours.

Been feeling prone to light nausea during the daytime too, which is another side effect I get when I'm low on sleep. BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I've been working too many hours because one of the projects I'm on was given a short timeline because the customer wants it quick. And then 2 of the team were unexpectedly out on sick leave for a week, which put us behind, so I was asked to help with the testing too. I counted together how much "overtime" I've done since the beginning of August, and it comes out to about an extra day of work each week. So it's as if I've been working Saturdays for a month and a half, something I would never agree to. BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Even though the work itself has been rather fun. I don't plan to work late each day. It's just that by the time it's evening, I'm finally in a groove, no longer tired, focused, wanting to reach a certain goal before stopping.

I've got other work-work too, besides that project. So I've been trying to juggle them all.

Sh*t f*cking body not letting me sleep. Who f*cking cares. Then I f*cking WON'T SLEEP and let's see how you f*cking like that, you G*DD*MN F*CKING BODY!!!!

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door bell anger

2019-02-23T17:15:47Z

Woken up by a door bell.
Get up, check the door thinking it's something I ordered.
Then see that it's a car seat for a baby.
First think, oh that's what Qiao ordered for my niece's baby.
I see a FedEx truck driving away down the street.
Then remember that Qiao ordered a stroller, not a car seat.
Worry that Amazon sent us the wrong item.
Check the label on the package, see that it's addressed to our neighbor, not us.
Oh! I wonder if they got our package instead?

Walk over to neighbor's house for the first time and wonder which door to use.
There's no package of ours by either door.
I choose the front door, as it has a door bell.

They've rung our doorbell before, to bring back our little dog who had dug out of the yard.
We've said hi before.
I may have given them Qiao's phone number, but I don't think we have theirs. Qiao has spoken with them briefly a few times.

Ring the door bell. Wait. Ring door bell again. Wait.
Knock on the outer glass door. Wait.
I see a dog inside through the glass of the doors, eating or drinking or something. It didn't hear me yet.
I knock harder, and the dog hears me, and barks. It jumps up on the door.
Hi there! (Nice doggy!) Tell them someone's at the door!

I can hear kids running around inside.
They've heard the door bell or the knocking or the dog barking by now, I'm sure.
I hear one of the kids say "Don't answer it!"
There are 2 cars outside the house. I'm pretty sure an adult is home.
I keep waiting. Maybe it just takes them a few minutes to get out of bed and dressed, like me.
I knock a few more times, waiting.
Waiting. Kids running around inside.
Waiting.
I decide to send them a message on Nextdoor.com instead. For F*CKS sake.
Sudden irrational anger.
(Remembering the other times I've rung neighbors' doorbells & knocked on doors, waiting in vain for someone to answer. Dammit; people not answering their doors anymore in this day and age.)
I walk back to my house, maybe stomping as much as one can stomp in flip flops.
I bang the top of the package with my fist in passing.
Maybe we should just keep the dang thing.
That'll show them, not answering their frickin doorbell.

Now I'm all riled up; certainly no chance of falling back asleep.
I send them a message on Nextdoor, from Qiao's account.
Any reply they send will go to his email, so I guess it will have to wait until he gets up to see if they've answered.
I start writing this post.

Noonish. Our door bell rings.
It's the neighbor.
I give them their package.
They don't have ours.
Not surprising. It'll probably come later in the day. Hopefully.
I wonder if FedEx will notice their mistake.

Then I remember that I can check for a reply on the Nextdoor.com page too.
They sent a reply before coming over. They didn't hear the door bell; "guess it needs to be fixed".
Great. I still don't have their phone number. I forgot to ask.
I'll ask via Nextdoor.

Half an hour later.
Zorro growls and then barks.
I check the front door.
USPS mail carrier walking back to the mail truck.
(Dithering here over whether or not to use the gendered word "mailman" even though the person looks like a man. But what word would I use for a woman?
Mail carrier. Mail carrier. Mail carrier. Say it enough and it will sound natural, I'm sure. Mail carrier. Mail carrier.)
USPS for this delivery, not FedEx.
It's the stroller.
They didn't even ring the door bell this time.

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thump thump grump grump

2019-01-20T14:30:28Z

Not being able to fall asleep makes me angry.

I get way too little sleep during the week. Only on weekends or vacation can sleep as long as I need to, and catch up a little. Yesterday I went to bed at 4:30am and woke up at 2:30pm. Ten hours of sleep. It was wonderful. Today I went to bed at 4:30am but couldn't fall asleep. My pulse has been pounding as if I'd had caffeine. I haven't that I'm aware of, though there's a slight possibility that a dessert I ate might have had something in it.

My feet were cold because my electric blanket hadn't heated up for long enough. Finally they warmed up, but my pulse never stopped pounding. Around 6:30am, I got up and did something else for an hour. Then I went back to bed. Still couldn't fall asleep, and my feet were cold again, and the rest of me too in spite of my blankets and the thermostat showing 71 degrees.

A whole fricking night without any sleep at all. That has never happened before. I rarely have insomnia. Even on the worst nights, I still get a few hours.

My body is deteriorating from not getting enough sleep during the week because of my job, and now I'm supposed to add a weekend night with zero f*cking hours on top? Grrr, it makes me angry. I wasn't angry to begin with, so that wasn't the problem.

If I weren't worried about my hands, joints, eyesight, and mental state, it wouldn't matter not getting sleep on a particular night. It would just be a peculiarity. I should just treat it as such anyway.

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back to the back to the

2019-01-07T06:44:55Z

This is the end of 2 nice relaxing (sort of) weeks of vacation. At least I was able to sleep as long as I wanted nearly every morning, in spite of going to bed very late. I got various things done. Some things finished, some things further along.

I didn't manage to make an orthodontic appointment yet; still need to get together a list of potential ones to call. It's too bad that this tooth problem manifested a few weeks after our yearly benefits enrollment period at work. Not knowing that I'd need it, I chose a dental plan without adult orthodontic coverage. But it's not a big deal. Even the plans that cover it, only cover a certain amount anyway. But now, not having one of those plans makes choosing an orthodontist more complicated. Should I sign up for a discount program, and see who in my area is in such a program? Or should I use one of the orthodontists in my dental insurance's network (though I don't see what the point of that is, as I'm not covered)? Or try to find overlap between the two? And so on.

I had been feeling optimistic about getting braces, but reading several pages which indicated that dentists now recommend that retainers be worn ***for the rest of your life*** to prevent teeth from shifting back got me feeling down about it. Which is why I let the matter drop for now. I went through all that trouble last year or the year before, getting myself a doctor, and it didn't even really do any good with the problem I have with my hands. Well... It did relieve my worries about having degenerative arthritis. So it did do some good, even though I still have no explanation for what is wrong. But my hands got significantly better on their own.

At the moment, I don't think it's possible that my teeth will get better on their own, but who knows? I discovered something today, about eating when one's upper and lower molars don't touch. Eating individual pieces of raw spinach (or other raw greens) is not a good idea, as it's nearly impossible to chew them up, and without chewing them, they tend to stick in one's throat. But when they are in a sandwich, I can chew them up ok, because there's an extra layer of bread and stuff filling up the space between the lower and upper teeth.

Anyway, I got home too late tonight (considering I need to be up early for work), after spending most of my vacation at Qiao's place. I went to turn on the heat, and discovered that the thermostat's batteries needed to be changed, and of course the old settings were lost, so I had to reset them. One setting always gives me trouble (getting it into "Hold" mode instead of "Vacation" mode). I had thought I might be able to make it to bed by 1am. But now, I hadn't even unpacked my car, I just wanted to turn on the heat, and this garbedly gook dangnabit thing won't work!!! I lost my temper and yelled obscenities.

Not a good way to end a nice relaxing (sort of) vacation. But it's ok; I'm calm again now. I checked the notes on my computer from last time, which thankfully say how to put it into Hold mode, and got it working. I still have my pretty Christmas tree here, and I haven't turned off the pretty lights on the porch yet either. Though I'll probably take them (not the tree) down later this week.

Ok. There's a good chance I can make it to bed by 2:15am now, if I apply myself to it.

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all caulked out

2014-01-03T08:23:44Z

The brown silicone caulk I applied to the rim of the tub 2 years ago worked as I had hoped, in that during these last 2 years, no signs of mildew appeared on it. The brown color was truly unattractive, but it was better than seeing mildew.

Recently, however, a section of the brown caulk came loose from the tub. So I replaced the section with (not-so) new brown caulk. Unfortunately, that caulk was too old and never hardened. So it had to be replaced again...

At the hardware store, this time I found silicone caulk in a metallic grey color. Surely gray would look better than brown and would hopefully still be dark enough to mask any mildew that might appear over time.

So I decided to remove all the old brown caulk and replace it with the new gray one. I also removed the older light-colored caulk in the other sections, as it had gotten visibly mildewy in the meantime too.

The light-colored caulk had been the "Polyseamseal" brand. It was so well stuck to the surfaces that it was a right pain to remove. I had to use a razor-blade scraper with a lot of force. The razor blade ended up breaking.

I began to worry whether I was doing the right thing, using a silicone caulk again this time, as there had been other previous occasions where silicone caulk had come loose. Silicone caulk never seems to stick very well for me. The Polyseamseal one seems to stick much better. Yet I'd had other problems with the Polyseamseal one (like cracks in the middle, and it being a right pain to remove!!!)... Yet everything I read says that silicone caulk is the best kind for tubs.

As I had already bought the metallic gray silicone caulk, I went ahead and used it. The metallic gray color truly DOES look much better than the brown color did.

This time, I even caulked around the ends of the 2 handrails, which never had been caulked before. I had to first clean out a bunch of rust that had accumulated around the screws under the end cover-plates.

I know it is in vain, but I hope NEVER to have to caulk that tub again.

I had a mini-breakdown/tantrum while laying down the caulk. All this work! And it might all come loose again anyway! I went through all this work already in the past; why am I having to do it again and again?! Why do I have to do this kind of work during my vacations?! I hate this! It hurts my hands having to press down the trigger on the caulk gun! And no matter how much effort I put into it, and in spite of having more experience each time I do it, it still always ends up looking like sh*t! The bead never comes out nice and even. Even after I smooth the bead, some sections end up being a total mess. And then I have to spend time with toothpicks and q-tips trying to make it look better, but that only helps somewhat. Is there really any purpose to this caulking? Does it really even matter if water gets into the seams? The old silicone caulk that I removed seemed damp underneath, even in the sections where it hadn't been loose... maybe water gets underneath it anyhow. Maybe I'm going through all this effort for no good reason! Other people don't do this! What am I going to do when I get older and am no longer capable of putting so much effort into these tedious tasks?!

Sigh. I managed to get past the break-down with only a few tears, and without hitting anything, though I was tempted. What is it about rage that makes one want to hit things?

.

I also finally replaced the toilet fill-valve which had been malfunctioning for over a year, but still technically working. Then I also had to replace the flapper which suddenly wasn't sealing well anymore. Then water starting dripping/leaking from the supply line! But it seems it may simply not have been tightened enough - hopefully I've fixed that now.

.

Before (with part of the old brown caulk already removed):

After (nice and silvery):

Update (2014/01/12):
I'm really pleased with the new caulk color. Its silveriness, and the contrast between the color of the tub and caulk, looks very fancy. It looks just as good, if not better, than white caulk would have.

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well I hope my toes aren't broken

2013-07-07T23:29:48Z

Dear Target,

After waiting 6 months for the nasty smell on the Teal Accent Cabinet to completely dissipate, I got angry, and it happened to be standing right there, so I kicked a hole in its side. Now it's definitely of no use to me. Could I have a refund?

Thanks.

...

Why do I have to clean up other people's junk?
Why does the sunroom have to keep having moisture problems?
Why do I have to spend all my "free" time cleaning and fixing and sewing and such?
Why does non-work begin to feel like work, when I do it?
Why is the dog back, and why does it have to look like it's starving again?
Is it morally acceptable to me, to put out bait/poison in the garage, to stop getting piles of roach shit in there?
Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?

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