In addition to top surgery, I've also started considering seeking medication/treatment against low-grade depression. To see if drugs can help me feel better. I'm not interested in counseling; I'm fairly certain that just talking won't make life feel better.
I don't know though... there are certainly some days where I feel pretty down and sad, and living seems a pointless and difficult burden. But maybe it's just mood swings. Today, I don't really feel that bad. And yet... life still seems pointless. I can't think of anything that would make me feel happiness or joy. Oftentimes, I feel accomplished after doing things, but it's a superficial feeling... if I think about it, life is still pointless.
Even a few years ago when I had my first crush on someone, and I was experiencing a roller coaster of good and bad emotions, even during the good emotions, there was still usually an underlying sadness to it. I mean, the rest of the world still seemed pretty bleak. Or maybe it was just that I knew that the subject of my crush wasn't really that into me, or that nothing much could come of it.
But, for real. The world is a pretty yucky place. It's full of scary people doing bad things. Thinking about world traveling, for instance... western Europe seems pretty safe. Maybe even Eastern Europe, these days. And Canada, Australia, Japan, maybe South Korea and a few other places. Other than that, there are wars and military conflicts and dictatorships and places where females don't have many rights. And pollution and poverty.
Dysthymic Disorder -
"By definition, there must clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important functioning as result of the mood disturbance."So far, even when I'm feeling very bad, it hasn't impacted my work. I don't have a social life, and I can't say that I want one.. I haven't met anyone besides Q whom I'd want to interact with on a regular basis. So I can't say my social life is impaired by my depression, can I? Feeling happy wouldn't make me become a social butterfly. So... maybe I don't even meet the definition of low-grade depression. Maybe it'd be silly to take drugs... taking drugs doesn't make the world a better place.
Has Low-Grade Depression crept up on you? -
According to the NIMH, sgns of dysthymia and other depression include:
* Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" feelingsYes.
* Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimismYes.
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessnessSometimes worthless, but usually only when I'm moody/hormonal, and then everyone else seems pretty worthless too.
* Irritability, restlessnessJust when I'm moody/hormonal.
* Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sexI can't remember anything being particularly pleasurable in a long time... I used to enjoy reading books more than
I do now, but that is because books don't seem as good and gripping as they used to; hard to find ones which really speak to me. Fantasizing... I guess that is something that used to be pleasurable and isn't anymore.
* Fatigue and decreased energyJust sometimes; probably not more than is usual.
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisionsNot really.
* Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleepingOnly once in a while.
* Overeating, or appetite lossOnly once in a while.
* Thoughts of suicide, suicide attemptsNot really. Ever since the last major time I planned suicide (15 years ago), and ended up not going through with it, I don't bother thinking about it much. I know that I wouldn't be any more likely to go through with it now than then. Even if I had a magic pill that would kill me if I simply swallowed it, I'm not sure I would do so, even on my very bad days.
* Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatmentNot really.
