Zorro thoughts / Grief, day three

[darkoshi]

Last night lying in bed, I wondered what euthanasia feels like. Maybe you don't feel pain, but still feel other things.
Maybe you feel your heart stop beating. Maybe you feel the inability to take a breath. Maybe your brain feels like in a nightmare, not able to suck in enough air to breathe. How long does it go on?

How long after the heart stops are there still brain waves? I need to look that up.

No one who has been euthanized to death has been able to tell us living what it is like.
With anesthesia during surgery, you can still breathe.

Oh my poor Zorro! [cries]

I know (at least I hope) it's likely it doesn't hurt and it is a peaceful death, but I don't really know.

..
Z (often) running to the door whenever I opened it, to see if someone else was there
Both dogs, esp S, barking so much whenever someone unfamiliar came, so you couldn't hear what they were saying.
Z often standing in place right in the way of where you intended to walk, so you had to go around her.
Z sometimes laying on the floor near my chair or laptop desk, so I had to be careful when moving them not to bump her.
Carefully raising or lowering the sofa footrest when either dog was close nearby.
..

I think I feel bad not only from possible guilt/fear/unknowns, but also simply from missing her, knowing I'll never have her here again doing the things I remember her doing.
She wagged her tail for me. Not many people at all wag their tails for me. Not many people push their heads under the crook of my arm.
..

Before, we always gave both dogs treats (and their medicines) at the same time. Both dogs excitedly waiting, sitting down if necessary.
Now there is only Serena to give treats to, on her own.

..

Qiao opened the sliding door and windows this morning.
Now there are more tufts of Z's fur by the entrance to the kitchen, which weren't there yesterday.
Oh, now I see there are a whole bunch still, under the lazy boy and front of the side sofa (and undoubtedly this sofa, and all underneath them, not only in front).
How am I going to bear cleaning it all away?

..

So many thoughts I want to write down, and some get away before I have a chance to.

Serena seems listless this morning; hasn't gotten up since the time I've been up .

Even though it's not unusual for her to stay in bed for long times like that, I can't help thinking she's sad/listless due to starting to realize or believe that Zorro won't be coming back.

Zorro used to be her buddy. Now Qiao and I need to be her *all*.
2:20pm Oh, she got up! She walked outside!

I've idly wondered if we will someday want to get another dog as a companion for her.
(but then when she someday dies, that dog might need a new companion.. it would go on and on)
But it might cause her more anxiety than good. She likes being top dog, and the other dog would need to be submissive.
And maybe she'd never get used to some other dog; maybe she'd only see it as a rival, not a friend.

Zorro was afraid of storms and loud noises like Serena. But Zorro was stoic. She would lay down behind the sofas.
She didn't shiver like Serena did. Did she follow me around the house during storms like Serena did? I think she did sometimes, but not as much as Serena.
Serena laying close beside/against Zorro during storms, even if it meant being on the floor and not on a blanket or bed, because Z tended to lay down on the floor, not the beds, during those times.

.

I keep having thoughts like "this is the first time I'm doing xyz since Z died / the first time I'm doing it with her not alive".
I haven't used the exercise bike yet since then, though I am about to.
I haven't been to my house yet.. haven't walked in the front door [ cries]
She'll never walk into my house again. Qiao will never be able to bring her over again, only Serena.
Maybe if/when he does, Serena will run around my house, looking for Z in case she was at my house this whole time.


The dogs getting excited when they'd see me put my socks and shoes on, either hoping I'd take them for a walk or go out back with them.

Working outside, I set the black stool on the porch in case I want to sit on it later when I get tired of sitting on the chair with my feet up.
Now I remember how sometimes, seeing something big & dark from the corner of my eyes made me think it was Zorro there.

.

In Serena's mind, Zorro must only be missing, not dead.
Having someone be missing is just as bad; there's no real closure.

Is it unfair not to have had Serena been with Z at the end too, to at least get a feeling of her death?
Would she have known then, or still not? Can dogs sense when another has just died?

.

All the work I did on these fences.. at least half the work to keep Zorro from digging under them..
(it's been a long time since they did; since I had to repair the fence due to them and not tree falls; when was the last time?)

Zorro won't be yapping at that clump of trees, looking up into their heights, anymore.

Last night, no this morning, I imagined all of us, Z&S, me and Qiao, in a sunny meadow with high grasses and such,
running around, enjoying it
a protective shield-dome above us

I suppose I'm enjoying sitting out on this patio right now with the sunshine and breeze
(though I'm in the shade now; the sun was quite warm). And with Serena sniffing around, occasionally barking.

..

The lower-salt snacks I've been saving for Zorro, the veggie chips from Halloween... never even ate them up / gave them all out yet.
I think there's one bag of those good apple chips mom gave me for my birthday.
The peanuts in the fridge.

Seeing the recent cam clips like Z&S at my house, where Zorro seemed healthy and happy, running around like usual, is good. At least she didn't have a long slow decline; it was quick, only a partial day of her body breaking down too much.

I have had a death in the family. Yes, I really have.

With Zorro gone, these doggy beds may never look dirty enough to need a wash again.
Though they could probably use a wash by now.
But that would be washing Z's scent away. :(