summer nights

(xposting from splinter... maybe i'm a fool...)
(maybe i'll delete it tomorrow too...)

i guess i am ugly.
who was i trying to fool.
even when i think i look good, others see me as ugly.
and when others think i look good, i see myself as ugly.
so i'm always ugly.

totally illogical, of course.
but sadness does that to a person's mind.

it's odd how crying works.
i think of things,
all manner of maudlin things,
and even though one part of my mind
sees the illogicality of what i'm thinking,
the rest of me grabs onto those thoughts
and cries over them.
they are kindling for my sorrow.

i cry about being alone,
about being unloved,
even though there are perhaps a couple of people
who think they love me...
but to me, of course, they don't count.
and so, "noone loves me. i'm all alone",
says my mind while i cry.

and tears tickle my nose....

but i am all alone
there's no one to hold me
i just want someone to hug me
at night when i'm alone...

and it's weird how i can just stop...
stop crying.
and just listen
to the night
feeling myself -
feeling nothing.
nothing matters at all.
there's nothing to cry about, really.
it's only when i compare myself
to what i think others have;
when i think about other people
having love and friendship,
that i cry over not having any.
but when i don't think about other people,
there is nothing to cry about.
there is nothing.
i lie there
on my back
listening to the night.
feeling nothing.
just emptiness.
what should be sad about emptiness?

crying makes no sense
but i do it anyway
because it feels good
in a bad sort of way

of course i would take it!
of course i would!
what kind of a fool would i be to not do so?!

but of course
i am an ugly fool

beauty means nothing
maybe sometimes i do that to my face
to make my physical reflection
match what i feel.