Darkoshi

[From last week]

It keeps occurring to me that I have a problem with scope creep in my daily life, along with self control. When I start working on something, it's very hard to convince myself to stop, even when I didn't intend to spend a long time at it and have many other things that I wanted to do. (Not enjoying the work doesn't make a difference, as I like to get unpleasant tasks finished and done with as much or even more so than pleasant tasks.)

One example: I turn off the A/C and open the windows to let some fresh air in the house. It's been hot outside, so they haven't been open in weeks. Now's a good time to do it as no one else is here to be bothered by the heat. One of the windows I open is hard to push up, so it hasn't been open in a much longer time. Its sill is caked in dirt and dust, so I decide to quickly wipe it clean.
Then I decide I may as well clean off the sills of all the other windows too while they are open, even though they aren't as dirty.
Then I decide to vacuum the rug which is full of dog hair, since using the vacuum cleaner makes the air smell unpleasant, so it's good to do it while the windows are open.


Another example: I wanted to do some work in the yard. Around 3pm I heard thunder; rain looked imminent. I quickly went outside to get at least a little bit of work done before it rained. It ended up not raining. I ended up working in the yard for the next 6 hours until it was dark.

I've come to the idea that life delights in being hard and causing difficulty. Now, often when I'm very frustrated or having a lot of difficulty with something*, I remember that idea. It helps lift my mood in a weird way. It makes me think, "Ah-hah! That's all it is, life up to its trickery again. Good job, life. That was sure a good one! Ha-ha."

*Like when I've gotten to the stage of yelling, "WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO HARD!!!???"

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But there are other aspects of life which that idea doesn't help with. Like war and famine and suffering.

Mask Envy:
When you keep seeing photos and videos where other people's face masks look better fitting, more comfortable, more snug and protective, than your own. Even though you've got like, 5? different kinds, but none of which are without problems.

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I wanted to wear something other than a turtleneck+sweatshirt this evening, but I've already tried on 5 combinations of things, and they've all been too uncomfortable. How did I ever find things to wear to work, every day?
Egadz, these cuffs on my wrists, this collar at the back of my neck, this metal zipper by my chin, this fabric in my elbow when I bend my arm...

Note to self: Don't buy waffle-pattern undershirts, even if they are 100% cotton. Uncomfortable against my skin.

I have this problem where I often spend too much time on certain activities, or researching certain subjects. More time than I had wanted, intended or planned for. Often, I hadn't planned to do the activity at all.

When this happens, I feel driven to continue the activity until completion, or until some point at which I am satisfied enough to stop. Usually, a part of me remembers that I had other plans, and am using up too much of my spare time for no good reason, and wants me to stop. But that's usually a small voice in the background of my mind, and not enough to actually make me stop.

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Like this evening... I have a few boxes of old stale peanut butter crackers which I should either eat up or discard. They don't taste that great, so I haven't been eating them much. But I hate to waste "good" food. So I wonder, is it bad from a health standpoint, to eat stale peanut butter? If it is, that would be enough to convince me to throw them away.

I did a web search, and came across an old book from 1918 that says:
"When stale, peanut butter develops a decomposition substance known as acrolein, which is dangerous to children as well as adults".

I found no other sources which mention the same thing, so I don't suggest you take that statement as truth. I'm still not sure whether stale peanut butter is bad for you.

However, I was looking through the rest of the first book, and it is fascinating in a historical sense. I've spent way too much time reading through it.

The Science of Eating: How to Insure Stamina, Endurance, Vigor, Strength and Health in Infancy, Youth and Age - by Alfred W. McCann

100 years ago, there was the same concern as nowadays, about lack of nutrition in processed foods due to vitamins, minerals, and fiber having being stripped out. There was concern over high levels of glucose, sugar, and chemical additives. There was concern about cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and arthritis being caused by the substandard nutrition provided by those foods.

100 years ago was before processed foods started being fortified with vitamins and minerals.

It's interesting how the drafts for World War I and II played into this. Apparently, people in high places were concerned when large percentages of draftees were rejected due to being unfit. It's not necessarily that they were concerned about the health of people, but that they wanted to have an adequate supply of healthy men for the military.

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The rye bread I've been eating lately lists "wheat flour" and "rye flour" as ingredients. I wondered if "wheat flour" means whole wheat flour or white flour. It means the latter; I should have realized that, since the label actually says "enriched wheat flour". But the rye flour is just listed as "rye flour".

The Hoax of "Enriched Wheat Flour"

A “wheat flour” or “enriched wheat flour” ingredient is technically no different than white flour. Manufacturers take whole-grain wheat, strip out 11 vitamins and minerals, then add synthetic chemicals that represent only four vitamins and one mineral.

Here’s the nutritional math: Whole-grain wheat – 11 nutrients + 5 nutrients = “Enriched”

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4 hours later. Heck, I'm just going to throw those crackers away and be done with it.

I watched Trump's acceptance speech yesterday. Or rather, I watched some and read/skimmed the transcript of the rest so that I could get to bed quicker. Ditto for Hillary's concession speech.

Trump's speech itself didn't seem that bad. What bothered me the most was the repeated chanting/yelling of "U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!" from the audience. Not just the chanting itself, but the sound of it.

It sounds so mob-like. So unthinking-violent-monster-like. (Though re-watching it today, it doesn't seem quite as bad as it did to me yesterday. Today, the background music raises my hackles instead. OMG. They actually played "You can't always get what you want" at the end of the speech. Apparently Trump played that song at most of his speeches and rallies, even though the Rolling Stones didn't give him permission. What a way to rub it in. Brilliant irony, that's the word)

The implicit message of the "U.S.A." chanting seems to be "We're the best!". Which naturally implies "The rest of you (the rest of the world, etc.) aren't as good!", ie. "The rest of you are inferior". That's what bothers me about it. It's one thing to feel good about yourself/your county. It's another thing to denigrate others, as Trump and many of his followers seem fond of doing.

It also reminds me again of my high school's pep rallies, back in the day. Those were full of the same kind of "We're the best" propaganda/shouting/cheering. I never could identify with that. I never could see why students of one school should feel they were automatically better than students in other schools.

Long Night (Staying Woke) - on dealing with uncomfortable truths and injustice in the world. I read this a few weeks ago and it impressed me enough that I finally got back around to digging through my browser history to find the link again in order to post it.

Fascinating discussion over here and here about being able (or not able) to mentally "see" things.

I don't have time to do justice to this post but wanted to jot down a few observations on my own memories.

If I don't have any visual memory of an event, I feel as if I do not "remember" it. For example, yesterday when returning from lunch, as I came out of the stairwell, I realized I didn't remember having walked across the 4th floor landing - I had no visual memory of it. Yet there I was coming out of the stairwell, so I must have done it. I didn't remember it, as I had been deeply engaged in thought (perhaps even thoughts about the above posts!) while walking.

In retrospect, I start to build a visual memory of the event, based on the many times I have walked across the 4th floor landing. So I can picture myself doing it, but in this particular instance, I had no precise memory of it. Now, if I try to remember back further than yesterday, I'm not likely to remember any precise memories of walking across that landing (unless there was something specific that occurred that made me remember it in a special way - such as someone stopping to talk to me), but I have a composite memory of all the times I have done it. And that memory is a bunch of images, both from my own 1st person viewpoint, and from third person viewpoints of seeing myself walk across the landing.

Now, obviously the 3rd person viewpoints are all "made up" by my mind... so maybe a part of my memory isn't actually based on images, but my mind makes up images to express the memories. Yet I do feel that some of my memories are actual images I saw.

Take yesterday when I was walking *out* to lunch. I tried to remember it. At first I didn't recall anything specific; my mind simply brought forth composite images of all the times I've walked out to lunch. Then I remembered something specific - as I was walking out the front doors, there were 2 security people at the front desk, rather than the more common single person. They were talking to each other. I believe one was standing and one was sitting - that's the image I recall. Then I remembered that just as I was walking out the doors, I paused and looked back at them, as I had heard something that sounded vaguely like my name. I wanted to be sure they weren't addressing me. This memory is of something I did, and of something I heard. For this memory, my mental memory was from a 3rd person viewpoint, seeing me turn my head back. I wasn't looking at the guards when I heard that.. so I can't have a visual image of it.. yet I do remember it..

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I determined that in order to get up at 7:30am and to get 8 hours of sleep, that I need to start getting ready for bed at 11pm. Not wash dishes, not have a snack, not click on a few more links - I need to get ready for bed at 11pm.

So why is it when 11pm comes, and I'm on the computer, and even though I'm not in the middle of reading or doing something, that I still procrastinate getting off? I still try to think of something, anything I may still maybe want to look up first.

Why is it that right now, at this moment, slightly after 11pm, that the possibility of getting 8 hours of sleep tonight isn't enough to give me a strong impetus... why do I feel grudging about it. Like, okay already, I'll shut down now, sheesh why are you nagging me.

My 2002 LDL level was still in the optimal range of under 100. But it occurs to me that my 2002 LDL number may have been higher than in later years, as back then a lot of processed foods contained trans-fats.

Supposedly, trans-fats raise LDL (the "bad" cholesterol) levels and lower HDL (the "good" one). Due to being vegan since high school, I avoided products with animal fats; but that meant that a lot of the processed foods I ate had trans-fats in them instead. My reasons for becoming vegan were ethical rather than health-related, and I've never been particularly concerned with avoiding processed foods.

Curiously, I had a physical done in 1991, and I recall the doctor back then telling me that my cholesterol was somewhat high. I found that odd, as I didn't eat any animal products, and had been vegan for nearly 4 years already. However, I also knew that the body produced its own cholesterol, so it didn't concern me. I wasn't given the actual numbers, and the level must have still been within acceptable levels, as nothing further was mentioned about it.

I'm not sure when exactly trans-fats started being phased out. It was a concern already in 2005, but FDA labeling requirements for trans-fats weren't put in place until 2006. Likewise, trans-fats weren't removed from Oreo cookies until January 2006, and from certain other products until even later. So could that really explain the big difference between my 2002 and 2005 LDL levels? Perhaps companies marketing "health/natural" food products phased out trans-fats earlier than other companies?

However, my HDL levels don't support the hypothesis either. The 2002 number was 49, and the 2005 thru 2013 levels were 51, 52, 47, 53, 59, 57, 52 - no clear pattern.

I wish I had my actual numbers from 1991. That would be interesting. But I'm sure all my old medical records have been destroyed by now, as I never bothered getting a copy of them after graduating from university.

I also wish I could remember the purported reason for me getting that physical done in 1991. I think my eye doctor requested it... that was when I was being treated for a long-term eye infection. I remember agreeing to the physical, but refusing the pap smear part of it. It seems very strange that the Insurance explanation of benefits forms (which I still do have) for the physical describe 2 of the charges as "Outpatient Psychiatric". Did the eye doctor think I had a psychiatric problem, because of my introverted manner? Was it not so much a physical as a psychiatric evaluation along with a physical? Did the doctor avoid telling me it was a psychiatric evaluation? I surely don't remember being told that. Or are psychiatric evaluations a normal part of a physical?

New Police Strategy in New York – Sexual Assault Against Peaceful Protestors

Interesting police tactic... provoke protestors into attacking them or defending each other, so that the police will have "reason" to use force and arrest them.

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I think that having a police force is generally necessary. And I think there are probably a lot of good police officers doing good work in many places, which one doesn't hear much about. But the more I hear, read, and experience, the more I feel that police and law-enforcement are at best, of not much use, and at worst, dangerous thugs to be avoided.

(That's not very different from my default view of humans, actually. It's not until I get to know people that I start thinking they may be nice, interesting, etc. But even then,... different topic.)


I grew up with the viewpoint that police are a force of good, there to fight crime and help people. That if you were the victim of a crime or a witness, that you should report it, and that the police would then proceed to take care of the problem (to the best of their ability).

Now, I'm finding myself agreeing with the viewpoint of Lisbeth Salander in the Dragon Tattoo books - that one may as well take matters into one's own hands rather than relying on the police to protect you.

If you're the victim of a crime, sure, the police may come to take a report. And they may go through some motions of looking into the problem. But is anything good going to come of it? Probably not. In the unlikely event that the perpetrator of the crime is identified, caught, convicted and incarcerated, they'll eventually get out of prison and most likely still be a potential future threat to you and other people. One may as well stock up on self-defense weapons, locks, surveillance cameras and alarms - in fact (::nudging self::), one should do that to begin with, not after the fact.

If you're not the victim of a crime, the only interactions you're likely to have with the police are ones where from the police's viewpoint, you're the suspect of a crime or an adversary in some way. In that scenario, the police are even more dangerous than regular criminals, because legally, it seems that you're not even allowed to physically defend yourself from the police. Criminals can't legally lock you in jail like police can.

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Gah. I already avoid watching the news, to avoid getting into more of a funk than I already am. I need, really NEED to stop myself from reading web pages like that too. I have this urge to "know about things" that are going on in the world. But there's no POINT for me in being aware of bad things going on in the world. It doesn't improve my life in any way. I NEED to stick my head in the sand, even though doing that doesn't make life feel any better. Reading about bad things going on in the world just wastes my time and makes me feel worse.

Even writing entries like these just wastes my time and doesn't improve my life in any way.

Every f*ing thing about life just wastes my time.

Time which has no better use anyway, than to be wasted.

But I should at least try to avoid those activities that make my mind hurt more than otherwise.