darkoshi

How I can go from just looking up when the Notre Dame Cathedral fire was (2019!), to looking/reading about gargoyles, grotesques, a rooster reliquary which "miraculously" survived, the Last Judgement, the Babylonian Talmud, Babylon...
and what makes a church a cathedral.

The Last Judgement part was the longest read and left me wondering if Christians believe someone can to to Heaven after death but then end up consigned to Hell after the Last Judgement. So then I looked up that, and ended up reading various people's inconsistent and contrasting beliefs on that and similar topics on Quora. Ugh.

That is not how I wanted to spend the last two and a half hours, dang it.

Medicare Provider Utilization and Payment Data - a government site. It has spreadsheets which let you compare the amounts that hospitals charged for various procedures.

I downloaded the inpatient & outpatient spreadsheets, and used the Excel filter options to show data for 3 hospitals in my area - Palmetto Richland, Palmetto Baptist, and Providence.

The inpatient data is surprising to me. In nearly all cases where there is data for all 3 hospitals, Providence shows the lowest charges (Average Covered Charges - this is the amount an uninsured person would have to pay). Their charges are generally way less; in many cases less than half that charged by the other hospitals.

The outpatient data shows more variance - in some cases, Providence has higher charges (Average Estimated Submitted Charges), in some cases lower.

As for hospital ratings/quality of care, these pages provide some comparisons:
Medicare Hospital Compare
LeapFrogGroup Hospital Ratings

In general, Providence has good ratings, though in some cases, Palmetto Richland has better ratings.

I wonder why Providence is able to have lower inpatient charges. Palmetto Richland is the largest one, by number of beds. Maybe fewer uninsured people use Providence, compared to the others? Based on the below articles, that doesn't sound like the case, although it could change as the hospital was just sold this year (which I hadn't heard about til now).

Providence to be sold to for-profit hospital company
Providence will maintain its ties to the Catholic church through the bishop in Charleston and uphold church ethics and religious directives, including its ban on abortions, said Sister Judith Ann Karam, a congregational leader.

Trends, finances drove Providence Hospital sale

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/664677.html

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/657059.html

What ISIS really wants - interesting article. I hadn't known that ISIS had declared a caliphate, or even the implications thereof.

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R2D2 and Darth Vader shower heads - Of all the things, shower heads? Personally I wouldn't want R2D2 or Darth Vader streaming water down on me, in the shower or anywhere else.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/632700.html

ladysisyphus wrote a post with tips on how to read the bible.

It mentions that if you decide to tackle it from the beginning to the end, that you're not likely to make it through the end of Exodus. That reminded me of when I started reading the Old Testament back in 2000, and made me wonder how far I got. Based on my notes, I made it through Samuel2.

To keep myself motivated, I took notes on items that seemed interesting, strange, funny or repulsive to me. I don't believe I ever posted these notes before. So they are below, for anyone who might be interested.

By the way, I am agnostic. Not at all Christian. I don't even consider myself spiritual - I believe in the possibility of there being a spiritual side to the world, but I've felt very little of it so far.

Also, I'm vegan (and a feminist) and think it's not very nice to treat animals (or women for that matter) badly. So that is why a lot of my comments focus on those aspects.

I know that there's a lot more to the Bible than the parts I read, and that there are many versions of it, and tons of ways to interpret it, and tons of history behind it so that you can't just take it at its literal word.

Yet the same could be said for a lot of things. The parts of the Bible which I read don't at all describe a religion of love and kindness, so I do wonder sometimes why people who describe their Christian religion as such cling to this book as the undeniably TRUE and incontrovertible "Word of God". I know that having a big long confusing and hard to read ancient text lends an air of mystery to things, and it gives something for religious scholars to study and lend their own interpretations to. But to me, it's all rather meh. I've long since lost my fascination with ancient history and writings.

If you are Christian and/or hold the Bible in high esteem, please don't reply to the items mentioned in the notes, in an attempt to better explain them to me. I'm not likely to respond to any such comments. Even if you can manage to do so in a way that makes me go "Ahhh, that makes better sense", it'll still be rather "meh" to me. I'm not interested in making sense of it. Even if the whole of the Bible could be meaningfully explained to represent love and kindness, it's not going to make me start believing in a god.

My original purpose in reading it was only to have an idea of what it says, to use against other people who like to quote it. Now I don't think it is worth arguing with people who like to quote it. I simply "meh", roll my eyes, and ignore them.

----

This first part of my notes has some thoughts from before I started reading the Bible.

Genesis through Joshua (New American Standard Bible)

Some more random thoughts of mine.

Judges through 2Samuel

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Useful websites:
BibleGateway
(lets you search and compare verses from many different versions of the Bible)

BibleHub
(even shows multiple versions of the same verse on a single page)

----

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/618150.html

I'm half-way through reading a PDF book, The Authoritarians. It's about the mindset of "right-wing authoritarian followers", the people who allow right-wing authoritarian leaders to gain and keep power. It's educational in that it puts into words many incomprehensible things that I've observed of some people, and tries to explain them.

I have a weird feeling like I'll get to the end of the book, and it will say "Now that you've read all this, if you believed it, that shows how gullible you are. This was all a psychological test.".

I was curious whether I myself would be pegged as an authoritarian follower or not. I am very rules-conscious. I dislike breaking rules. As a child, I recall breaking rules not feeling fun and exciting, but rather anxiety-inducing. In many cases I agree with the rules, such as vehicular speed limits, or with voluntarily declaring and paying use taxes on items I buy over the internet.

Yet if I disagree with a rule, I probably would break it. I don't consider myself likely to stand up to authority, yet I did in my own way when my company ordered everyone to work mandatory overtime.

The book mentions that children may end up different from their parents based on experiences during adolescence. If they broke rules and found it fun and exciting, that could reduce their respect for authority. If they broke rules and experienced trauma, that could increase their respect for authority. If their parents said certain groups of people were bad, but they became friends with people in those groups, that could reduce their respect for authority.

Based on the first survey in the book, my authoritarianism score is very low (24 out of 180). My religious fundamentalism score is the lowest possible (no surprise, considering that I'm agnostic).

In my case, I don't think I broke many rules as a kid*. But I grew up in a low-authoritarian and non-church-going family, so perhaps that influenced how I turned out. I don't view my dad as having been the "head of the family"; my parents seemed to have an equal relationship. But they separated early on, and I don't really remember much from when they were together. Neither of them seemed very strict or domineering.

*Maybe I did, but it was so early on that I don't remember well. Maybe I ignored rules that I felt were silly or which inhibited what I wanted to do. Did my parents ever tell me not to climb on the kitchen counters, or not to play in the woods? My mom made me wear dresses against my will; I suppose that may have reduced my respect for her authority.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/600432.html

I have a health screening scheduled for late tomorrow afternoon, and I'm supposed to fast for at least 9 hours before. Previous health screenings I've done were all in the morning, where most of the fasting hours were overnight, and I could simply delay breakfast by a few hours. This time I'll eat an early breakfast and delay lunch by several hours.

Normally on work days, I eat breakfast between 8 and 9am, and am quite hungry by 2pm (often, I don't take my lunch break until then). Tomorrow, it will be an extra 4 hours of not eating. I'm dreading it but also looking forward to the challenge.

I'm impressed by Muslims who fast during the daylight hours of Ramadan for a whole month. (I don't agree with people being forced to do it, but for those who do it willingly or not, it seems quite a feat.) According to various sources, in most places Muslims fast for at least 12 hours each day. They don't even drink anything during that time! At least I can drink water tomorrow. Imagine being in a hot desert country in the summer, and not drinking anything all day.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/596617.html

This is a very good movie. It's about an unlikely friendship between two women.

"Dor - An Epic Tale.." (Watch on YouTube)

A movie review.

This review gets to the heart of the movie, but has more spoilers.

Early in the movie, the term "mehr" is used. In Islam, it is a payment by the groom to the bride, and is a mandatory part of a marriage contract. That Wikipedia page has more interesting info on the subject. I only mention that as I was unfamiliar with the term; religion is a very minor aspect of the movie.

The 2 Indian states shown in the movie are Rajasthan and Himachal Pradesh.

Another perhaps interesting tidbit is that in this movie, it is the non-Muslim woman who wears the headscarf/veil (see: ghoonghat), rather than the Muslim one. And that based on the above Wiki page, only 1.63% of the population in Himachal Pradesh is actually Muslim.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/573464.html

The Brazen Bibliophiles of Timbuktu - How a team of sneaky librarians duped Al Qaeda

t160k.org - a campaign to raise money to protect the manuscripts, which now face problems related to moisture and mold.

T160K: Libraries in Exile from Evaporate Entertainment on Vimeo.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/517015.html

This is a very strange t-shirt.

These pants are quite striking.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/513832.html

Richland County Council broadcasts their meetings live, online:

http://www.livestream.com/RCTVCountyCouncil

The site also has recordings of prior meetings.

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They start off their council meetings with a prayer to god. Christians in this country can't openly profess their faith without being attacked for it, indeed. Then again, here I am, obliquely attacking them for it. Those poor God-fearing people, being attacked on all sides, bless their little hearts.

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After the prayer, everyone recites the Pledge of Allegiance together. Reminds me of school. I'm glad I'm not in government.

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Lately, I've been thinking that it wouldn't really bother me that much to sell my house and move somewhere else. Not that I think that most other places are much better. I certainly wouldn't want to move up north where it's cold. And it would be hard to find another house situated as nicely as this one. But there isn't really very much keeping me here.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/486832.html

I hate that I get so tense and on edge (nervous? upset?) when discussing significant topics of disagreement with other people, that it impedes my being able to think and respond calmly and intelligently to the other person's arguments.

I'm much more likely to lose faith in my own arguments in the middle of a discussion, than other people are of theirs. After all, what do I really know about anything? Things I've read and heard, mostly. What can anyone be sure of? Hardly anything. Even when there have been studies and when there are facts and figures, it often turns out that the conclusions are biased, the facts and figures have been massaged, and/or the studies themselves are flawed or contradictory. How can one feel comfortable claiming something as fact in a debate, if one doesn't even remember the source of those facts? I don't remember the source of most of the things in my brain, and I'm sure most other people don't either. It's all hearsay, unless one tracks down sources and references. Other people don't seem to be bothered by that when they state their view of the truth.

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Anyway. So supposedly, Christians are more discriminated against in this county, than LGBT people are. Supposedly, Christians can't even openly profess their faith without being attacked.

Hmmm.

All I can think, is that society must be improving, if the people who comprise the vast majority of the population, and who've had the law on their side for so long, are beginning to feel set upon.

Then again, some people seem to generally feel set upon.

Current Mood: oh god i'm so tired
Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/483635.html

There's a TV in Qiao's room at the rehab center; it always seems to be on and tuned in to some news channel. The room has 2 beds, each with a hand-held speaker gadget that can be turned on and off, for listening to the TV sound. Qiao's is usually off, but the other patient's speaker is loud enough to be heard in the whole room.

The channel seems like Fox News to me; it sounds more like a conservative talk show than actual news. Qiao said it was CNN.

One segment discussed a recent survey which indicates that more young people today are "doubting the existence of God". This was presented as if it were a bad thing. Two atheist college students were on as guests, and they were asked the question, "How can you not believe in God?" (or something similar to that).

The phrasing bothered me. It seemed to exude a presumption that it is normal to believe in a god. It seemed like they were saying, "You're weird and illogical; explain to us normal people why you're so weird".

Apparently, most people do believe in one or more gods. Even many people who don't, still believe in (and/or feel) some other kind of spirituality. So I think that something must predispose most humans for that. However, likewise, I think there must be something that predisposes or causes other humans (like me) not to believe.

It's no easier for people like me to explain why we don't believe, than it is for believers to explain why they do. Or rather, we can both try to explain it, but we can't make the other person really understand.

My thoughts were going along those lines, and I said, "They should ask how anyone *can* believe in god." Ie., the one question is just as valid (and useless) as the other.

Qiao replied that he believes, and that he thinks he is still alive because of God.

I know that he believes, and that he's Christian... he's taken comfort in being visited by the priest of his church, and in praying together.

However, I usually don't pay much attention to that fact. I'm completely aware of it, but it's also in the background of my mind rather than the forefront. I tend to ignore it. The same way I do his conservative politics, and the fact that he enjoys listening to those kind of talk shows. And sort of like how I ignore that we aren't very sexually compatible.

Qiao's words brought it back to the forefront of my mind for a bit. It's a downer; that is why I usually ignore it.

It made me think about how superficial our relationship is. When I visit him in the hospital, we hold hands. It's a very comforting feeling. I'm comfortable with him. He makes me feel good. He's my "sweetheart", as one of my co-workers phrased it.

We live together, we eat dinner together, we watch some TV shows together, we sleep in the same bed together, we show each other good internet videos that we've found...

But when I really think about it, it is all rather superficial, in the same way that life itself seems superficial to me. It's just something than I'm going through / living through... there's no deep meaning in any of it.

If he were agnostic, and if his political leanings were more like mine... That might make us seem better matched, but I don't think it would make the relationship seem any "deeper".

If his sexuality were more like mine... if there were an ongoing spark between us, rather than there only having been the occasional sparks I felt in the beginning... I'm not sure how that would affect my feeling of the "deepness" of the relationship.

If I felt an ongoing spark with someone, I suspect that might make me start believing in something, though I know not what. If I believed in something, then maybe the relationship wouldn't seem superficial.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/473498.html

Interesting.

A person on the radio just said something... thanking her God on this Thanksgiving day. If she had only said that, I wouldn't have shared her sentiments (as I'm agnostic), but I wouldn't have been offended by it, as everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. But she prefixed it by "Now, if this offends you, then there is something wrong with you." Somehow, that part felt offensive... it emotionally translated to "if you don't share my beliefs, there is something wrong with you."

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/433954.html

The only personally meaningful religion which I in the slightest way believe in, is one which I created in my mind. My life on Earth is a small part of that story... a mostly inconsequential part of the story, except to provide a lengthy interlude that explains my presence here on Earth. Once I die here on Earth, there's no reason for my existence to continue on based on the religion/story, since I've already played it out in my mind. Perhaps my existence will continue in some other related or unrelated manner. Or perhaps it won't continue.

My "belief" in this religion is not strong nor constant. Most of the time, I simply consider it a fantasy. Most of the time, I don't believe in it at all. I wouldn't consider it a religion from anyone else's point of view. The only way it could be a religion for anyone else, would be if they too were a part of the story. But the story does not explain the existence of anyone else on Earth, nor does anyone else on Earth take part in the rest of the story. That isn't too say that the rest of the story couldn't include other Earthlings, but that so far my mind hasn't felt any reason to include them in my part of the story.

The religion/story itself has changed over time, and incorporates various unrelated and even contradictory parts - alternative story-lines.

The religion/story does not explain my existence in the Universe, nor does it really explain anything else, so perhaps "religion" is not a good word for it. But the story does include some "gods" and "magic". The gods are powerful beings who occasionally interact with the less powerful beings like me. The god I'm affiliated with is a very mischievous god.

My god dispensed some crushing poetic justice in the part of the story I was thinking about this morning.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/418728.html

Qiao said something which gave me pause. He's Christian, so apparently he believes there are 2 places you can go when you die. He said that he hopes we both end up in the same place, together. And there was a question of whether I felt the same.

It's so far out of my way of thinking. The thought that after I die, that I'd still be alive, and that things would still be like they are now - in other words me being around the same people as I've been around in this life, and having the same kind of experiences... what's the point of that? Might as well not even die, if you're still going to be alive, right? What's the point of living, if death is just another life? Not that I've found a point in living. But still, the idea of a heaven like that just doesn't make sense to me. Nor does the idea of a hell.

Would I want to be with him after I die? I guess I'd choose him over anyone else who I've encountered so far in this life. But I don't want an afterlife, not like that.

In heaven, would I be able to go to sleep, and to stay asleep?

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/405558.html

I wrote down one of my fantasies on paper some years ago. I didn't want to risk forgetting it. It seems somewhat amazing, re-reading what I wrote. It's written in ink, and there are very few places where I scratched anything out while writing it. Yet the quality seems better than some other heavily edited things I've written.

This is a snippet.

---

He does not seem amused anymore. Grim, serious, deadly. Lightning-quick maneuvers and volleys. I am being beaten. I am in pain all over. When will it end? I instinctively react to protect myself: dodge, block, counter... I cannot think any more, only react...

I begin to realize... T's unspoken message is, "How dare you disobey your Master? Your oath-sworn Master?! You are dust between my fingers! You cannot withstand me." In the moments when I am able to think or feel anything, I fear. I fear T. He could kill me right now. His anger is deadly, and he doesn't even seem to have broken a sweat. I realize what it would be like to have T as an opponent in a real all-out fight. Except that then, I would have already been dead a long time ago.

T is showering me with searing energy bolts again. I fall to the ground, crouching, trying to block. I am finished. I can hold out no longer. T comes closer and tells me to get up. I do not. My mind has retreated within me. T asks, "Do you give up?"

"Yes!" I whimper. Anything to make this stop.

"Will you obey me?" T returns. It takes me a moment to realize, to remember, the significance of the question. No, no, no, my mind replies. I won't. You can't make me. I say nothing.

---

Ah, I thought I had posted another snippet of the story before. And now I found it.

Ah! It makes me all tingly inside! Why can't I find any books to read like that?

Success: Both dogs have been microchipped.
Fail: Serena's new "break-away" collar didn't even last 2 days on her. I found it chewed up into little pieces in the yard. I'll need to make her a metal chain collar like Zorro's, with an elastic strip for safety. Unless Zorro takes to pulling that off her too, in which case I guess she can't have a safety collar.

I attended, with Qiao, the funeral of one of his family friends. They are Episcopalian. Qiao kneels and prays in church. It seems bizarre to me how I can be in a relationship with someone so different from me. The first time the congregation was asked to kneel, I stayed sitting. The 2nd time, I thought that it might feel good to stretch my back, so I kneeled too. Boy was I wrong; kneeling in the pews was not at all comfortable for my back. Had I not been able to lean my arms over the edge of the pew, I might not have been able to maintain that position.

I'm using my new kneeling chair; I'm quite pleased with it. Nevertheless, my back is still very achy. It is still possible to slouch in this chair, so I'm not sure whether it will help much.

I wish I knew the cause of my back aches. I feel like I have to wait until the pain eventually becomes excruciating, before I can seek medical diagnostics and treatment. After all, the chiropractor already performed x-rays and said that my spine looked fine. So whatever is wrong must not be wrong enough yet to be detectable.

It seems that I made the crotch a bit too short on the pair of jeans which I altered. The pants are wearable, but it was a disappointing result after having put all that effort into it.

I read some more of the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" book yesterday. It's interesting, and it makes me want to know the answer to the mysteries, but there's nothing to the story that makes me enjoy it. It's rather grim, actually.

I had also been reading "The Dog from Hell". That story was neither interesting nor enjoyable for me, so I decided to discontinue it.

This New Year's Eve, I went to bed before midnight. I had been feeling down, possibly due to insufficient sleep. The prior night I had likewise gone to bed early, and it felt so good to get a good night's sleep that I wanted to repeat it. But it wasn't repeated. I heard fireworks, so I don't think I got any sleep until after midnight anyway. But still, that may have been the first New Year's Eve for which I didn't stay up.

This week, my mind has felt drawn to revisiting one of my old original fantasy worlds, one that hasn't pulled at me for several years. I'm not sure what triggered it, but it's a good feeling. I can feel my alter-egos in my mind... there's a near constant pulling/nagging feeling... like I should hurry up and get back to focusing/remembering/reliving/continuing the story.

It's nice having something that I feel drawn to doing, as opposed to things that I feel I need to do, or may as well do, but which provide no real pleasure.

And yet, here I am in my free time, doing other things; procrastinating the good stuff. And why am I doing other things? I worry that if I don't hurry up and focus on the story, I'll lose this rare feeling; I'll lose the potential and desire for bringing that world back to life in my mind. But there's also some anxiety that if I go ahead and focus on the story, that I'll lose interest in it again, or not be able to take it any further. Afraid of failure, afraid of loss. Afraid of it not seeming as special as it used to. Afraid that it will start to seem silly and pointless again.

The fantasy is something that can keep me awake all night, deeply engrossed. Last night after an hour or so of lying awake in bed (but mentally far away), I made myself stop in order to be able to fall asleep.

If you believe in something, it is real to you.
(Whether it is real to others is unimportant, it's your reality that matters to you.)
Therefore, you can make anything become real in your world, if only you can figure out how to believe in it.

Anything can cease being real, if you stop believing in it.

You can create a God by believing in it. You are a god yourself in that way - you have the power to create something out of nothing. *If* you can figure out how to consistently believe in it.

But if the thought only comes from within, how can one believe in it?

I want my god to be real without my having to create zir myself. I want my god to be real regardless of any belief. But if I don't believe in zir, then ze is not real to me.

Unless of course, I experience indication of zir reality, without having to imagine it up myself.

People who believe in gods seem to experience indications of their gods' reality. What makes people who don't believe, start believing? They have some kind of mystical experience, which fuels their initial belief, and then their belief fuels the rest. Unless they are skeptical, and can explain away / dismiss the original mystical experience and the rest.

I am my own higher power. I am everyone I've ever imagined and believed in.

But my god doesn't know the answers either. We're stuck in the same boat. Drifting.

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Darkoshi

Darkoshi's Enchantment

May 2025

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Entries tagged with religion

curiosity kills me

hospital comparisons

web surfing and fascination with curious topics which totally eats up my time

2 totally different topics

those wacky Bible books

authoritarianism

fasting

"Dor" movie (2006)

Timbuktu's treasures

blood message

council meetings. residence

(no subject)

the god thing and superficiality

what is said vs what is heard

meaningless

the ever after

a snippet of whee, tee-hee!