I don't know yet how to go about either getting top surgery or getting on antidepressants. The latter seems simpler - look up psychologists in my health insurance directory, and choose one. The former involves more research and deciding if I really want to go ahead with it, and finding out if I can even get it done. But I wonder if I get on antidepressants, if that could make it harder to get top surgery. Maybe a doctor would think that me being on psych meds was a sign of mental instability. It's probably hard enough convincing a doctor that I want my breasts removed even though I don't plan on presenting as male.
I just noticed that Bro and Pard chipped the inside finish on one of my enamel pots. It shouldn't bother me; it's just a pot. Friends and family are more important than pots, right? It seems like I should appreciate having them here more than I do; it seems like I should enjoy their company and their presence, and not just always be finding fault with things.
I read this post
earlier. At first, I thought, "Aw, that's sweet, someone in love". But then I got to thinking, that I've never really felt that way about anyone - being in love and missing the other person's physical presence. I even find it hard to imagine. The closest thing I can think of is when I had my first crush (as well as the 2nd), and I missed being able to communicate/interact with that person when he wasn't online and when he did not respond to my emails in a timely manner. I suppose that if we had been having a lot of physical interactions that were as exciting as the online interactions, that then I might have also missed his physical presence.
I missed Q's online presence too, at times, in the beginning. Now we don't interact online anymore... I still miss that somewhat, when I think about it. There's something I get, when chatting online with someone, that I don't get in their physical presence. I suppose that must seem odd to other people. Or maybe it's just the sexual tension that used to be there, which isn't anymore. Maybe that is what I miss, and even if we chatted online now, it would not be the same as it was back then.
I don't miss Q on the days he's not here... I know he's coming back in a day or two, so what is there to miss? I only get sad and think about missing him, when I think about us breaking up. Because then he wouldn't be back, ever.
I get to feeling sorry for myself when I think about such things. Poor me, I don't like anyone enough to miss them. Poor me, there's no sexual tension in my life. Poor me, I've lost the capability to feel sexual tension. Poor ole me.
I had a sexual dream last night. It involved rubber sandals. Q was in a part of it. It wasn't a particularly memorable or special dream, but I was feeling subby in it. And oddly, it also included a woman from work whom I'm not in the least attracted to when I'm awake. In the dream, she was acting domly towards me.
This whole BDSM thing is an unresolved issue with me. I feel bitter and disappointed when I think about BDSM. I can't have sexual tension without D/s. But I don't want to submit to anyone. Because when I do, nothing good comes of it.
Poor ole me. Blah, blah, blah.