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all caulked out
Friday, January 3rd, 2014 01:52 amThe brown silicone caulk I applied to the rim of the tub 2 years ago worked as I had hoped, in that during these last 2 years, no signs of mildew appeared on it. The brown color was truly unattractive, but it was better than seeing mildew.
Recently, however, a section of the brown caulk came loose from the tub. So I replaced the section with (not-so) new brown caulk. Unfortunately, that caulk was too old and never hardened. So it had to be replaced again...
At the hardware store, this time I found silicone caulk in a metallic grey color. Surely gray would look better than brown and would hopefully still be dark enough to mask any mildew that might appear over time.
So I decided to remove all the old brown caulk and replace it with the new gray one. I also removed the older light-colored caulk in the other sections, as it had gotten visibly mildewy in the meantime too.
The light-colored caulk had been the "Polyseamseal" brand. It was so well stuck to the surfaces that it was a right pain to remove. I had to use a razor-blade scraper with a lot of force. The razor blade ended up breaking.
I began to worry whether I was doing the right thing, using a silicone caulk again this time, as there had been other previous occasions where silicone caulk had come loose. Silicone caulk never seems to stick very well for me. The Polyseamseal one seems to stick much better. Yet I'd had other problems with the Polyseamseal one (like cracks in the middle, and it being a right pain to remove!!!)... Yet everything I read says that silicone caulk is the best kind for tubs.
As I had already bought the metallic gray silicone caulk, I went ahead and used it. The metallic gray color truly DOES look much better than the brown color did.
This time, I even caulked around the ends of the 2 handrails, which never had been caulked before. I had to first clean out a bunch of rust that had accumulated around the screws under the end cover-plates.
I know it is in vain, but I hope NEVER to have to caulk that tub again.
I had a mini-breakdown/tantrum while laying down the caulk. All this work! And it might all come loose again anyway! I went through all this work already in the past; why am I having to do it again and again?! Why do I have to do this kind of work during my vacations?! I hate this! It hurts my hands having to press down the trigger on the caulk gun! And no matter how much effort I put into it, and in spite of having more experience each time I do it, it still always ends up looking like sh*t! The bead never comes out nice and even. Even after I smooth the bead, some sections end up being a total mess. And then I have to spend time with toothpicks and q-tips trying to make it look better, but that only helps somewhat. Is there really any purpose to this caulking? Does it really even matter if water gets into the seams? The old silicone caulk that I removed seemed damp underneath, even in the sections where it hadn't been loose... maybe water gets underneath it anyhow. Maybe I'm going through all this effort for no good reason! Other people don't do this! What am I going to do when I get older and am no longer capable of putting so much effort into these tedious tasks?!
Sigh. I managed to get past the break-down with only a few tears, and without hitting anything, though I was tempted. What is it about rage that makes one want to hit things?
.
I also finally replaced the toilet fill-valve which had been malfunctioning for over a year, but still technically working. Then I also had to replace the flapper which suddenly wasn't sealing well anymore. Then water starting dripping/leaking from the supply line! But it seems it may simply not have been tightened enough - hopefully I've fixed that now.
.
Before (with part of the old brown caulk already removed):
After (nice and silvery):
Update (2014/01/12):
I'm really pleased with the new caulk color. Its silveriness, and the contrast between the color of the tub and caulk, looks very fancy. It looks just as good, if not better, than white caulk would have.
Recently, however, a section of the brown caulk came loose from the tub. So I replaced the section with (not-so) new brown caulk. Unfortunately, that caulk was too old and never hardened. So it had to be replaced again...
At the hardware store, this time I found silicone caulk in a metallic grey color. Surely gray would look better than brown and would hopefully still be dark enough to mask any mildew that might appear over time.
So I decided to remove all the old brown caulk and replace it with the new gray one. I also removed the older light-colored caulk in the other sections, as it had gotten visibly mildewy in the meantime too.
The light-colored caulk had been the "Polyseamseal" brand. It was so well stuck to the surfaces that it was a right pain to remove. I had to use a razor-blade scraper with a lot of force. The razor blade ended up breaking.
I began to worry whether I was doing the right thing, using a silicone caulk again this time, as there had been other previous occasions where silicone caulk had come loose. Silicone caulk never seems to stick very well for me. The Polyseamseal one seems to stick much better. Yet I'd had other problems with the Polyseamseal one (like cracks in the middle, and it being a right pain to remove!!!)... Yet everything I read says that silicone caulk is the best kind for tubs.
As I had already bought the metallic gray silicone caulk, I went ahead and used it. The metallic gray color truly DOES look much better than the brown color did.
This time, I even caulked around the ends of the 2 handrails, which never had been caulked before. I had to first clean out a bunch of rust that had accumulated around the screws under the end cover-plates.
I know it is in vain, but I hope NEVER to have to caulk that tub again.
I had a mini-breakdown/tantrum while laying down the caulk. All this work! And it might all come loose again anyway! I went through all this work already in the past; why am I having to do it again and again?! Why do I have to do this kind of work during my vacations?! I hate this! It hurts my hands having to press down the trigger on the caulk gun! And no matter how much effort I put into it, and in spite of having more experience each time I do it, it still always ends up looking like sh*t! The bead never comes out nice and even. Even after I smooth the bead, some sections end up being a total mess. And then I have to spend time with toothpicks and q-tips trying to make it look better, but that only helps somewhat. Is there really any purpose to this caulking? Does it really even matter if water gets into the seams? The old silicone caulk that I removed seemed damp underneath, even in the sections where it hadn't been loose... maybe water gets underneath it anyhow. Maybe I'm going through all this effort for no good reason! Other people don't do this! What am I going to do when I get older and am no longer capable of putting so much effort into these tedious tasks?!
Sigh. I managed to get past the break-down with only a few tears, and without hitting anything, though I was tempted. What is it about rage that makes one want to hit things?
.
I also finally replaced the toilet fill-valve which had been malfunctioning for over a year, but still technically working. Then I also had to replace the flapper which suddenly wasn't sealing well anymore. Then water starting dripping/leaking from the supply line! But it seems it may simply not have been tightened enough - hopefully I've fixed that now.
.
Before (with part of the old brown caulk already removed):
After (nice and silvery):
Update (2014/01/12):
I'm really pleased with the new caulk color. Its silveriness, and the contrast between the color of the tub and caulk, looks very fancy. It looks just as good, if not better, than white caulk would have.
refreshened ironed bitten
Sunday, November 17th, 2013 10:43 pmThe "View - Reload" menu item has been removed from version 25 of Firefox. Apparently for quite a while already, "Reload" was only available when pressing "Alt+V" to view the menu. But now it's no longer there at all. I wonder why the Firefox designers feel the need to remove functionality from the menus, when the menus aren't even visible by default anymore.
Why do little changes like this bother me so much? Because it's like coming home to find that all your door handles have been removed and replaced by knobs, and furthermore, the knobs are on the top of the doors rather than in their hitherto-normal positions. Then you find out that for the last 10 years, 98% of other people have been using wireless mobilephone apps to remotely open all their doors, rather than using the door handles.
Now I have to remember to use either F5 or Ctrl+R to refresh the page when I don't have my hand on the mouse. I feel like I'm too old to learn new mnemonics. I can never even remember that Ctrl+Tab is for switching between tabs, even though I constantly use Alt+Tab for switching between windows. (I also can never remember the hotkeys for indenting or outdenting a block of text, in my email program at work).
Hmm. To press either F5 or a Control key combination, I have to look at the keyboard. Maybe that's why I find the menu mnemonics using the Alt keys easier to learn/remember. If I need to copy/paste something while typing, I still tend to use the Alt-Edit-Copy and Alt-Edit-Paste keys. My fingers however, know that Ctrl+Ins, Shift+Ins,and Ctrl-C can also be used.... but I don't use Ctrl-V much because how am I supposed to remember that V is for Paste?
Hmm. When editing text (as opposed to typing), my left hand is in the normal position, but my right hand is centered on the arrow keys. That lets me scroll through the text with my right hand, and also lets me do copy/paste/delete operations using the keys on that side.
.
I've found that it is much easier to iron clothes while they are still damp from the washer. No need to first let them dry. No need to put water into the iron, nor to drain it out afterwards. Ironing damp clothes makes them dry faster too.
This makes me more likely to iron clothes right after I've washed them, avoiding an ever-increasing accumulation of wrinkled clothes waiting to be ironed. If I know that I won't have time to iron right after washing, I may not even put those particular items into the wash.
.
I've been noticing a recent tendency to bite my lower lip while washing dishes, especially if I'm in a hurry. It's an odd subconscious thing; as if biting my lip will somehow make me get done faster. I have to consciously put effort into not doing it, as it's not a habit I want to have.
Why do little changes like this bother me so much? Because it's like coming home to find that all your door handles have been removed and replaced by knobs, and furthermore, the knobs are on the top of the doors rather than in their hitherto-normal positions. Then you find out that for the last 10 years, 98% of other people have been using wireless mobilephone apps to remotely open all their doors, rather than using the door handles.
Now I have to remember to use either F5 or Ctrl+R to refresh the page when I don't have my hand on the mouse. I feel like I'm too old to learn new mnemonics. I can never even remember that Ctrl+Tab is for switching between tabs, even though I constantly use Alt+Tab for switching between windows. (I also can never remember the hotkeys for indenting or outdenting a block of text, in my email program at work).
Hmm. To press either F5 or a Control key combination, I have to look at the keyboard. Maybe that's why I find the menu mnemonics using the Alt keys easier to learn/remember. If I need to copy/paste something while typing, I still tend to use the Alt-Edit-Copy and Alt-Edit-Paste keys. My fingers however, know that Ctrl+Ins, Shift+Ins,and Ctrl-C can also be used.... but I don't use Ctrl-V much because how am I supposed to remember that V is for Paste?
Hmm. When editing text (as opposed to typing), my left hand is in the normal position, but my right hand is centered on the arrow keys. That lets me scroll through the text with my right hand, and also lets me do copy/paste/delete operations using the keys on that side.
.
I've found that it is much easier to iron clothes while they are still damp from the washer. No need to first let them dry. No need to put water into the iron, nor to drain it out afterwards. Ironing damp clothes makes them dry faster too.
This makes me more likely to iron clothes right after I've washed them, avoiding an ever-increasing accumulation of wrinkled clothes waiting to be ironed. If I know that I won't have time to iron right after washing, I may not even put those particular items into the wash.
.
I've been noticing a recent tendency to bite my lower lip while washing dishes, especially if I'm in a hurry. It's an odd subconscious thing; as if biting my lip will somehow make me get done faster. I have to consciously put effort into not doing it, as it's not a habit I want to have.
need a mood lifter
Sunday, October 23rd, 2011 05:16 pmI feel indecisive and down. And the weather is cool and these clothes feel bulky and restrictive. My nose varies between being runny and congested.
Why do I buy Halloween cards, when I end up sitting there with a pen in my hand for an hour, wondering what to write on the cards, so that it is more than just "Dear ***, Happy Halloween, Love ***". What do you write to someone you only see a few times a decade? Writing cards is harder than making small-talk.
I bought a small pumpkin. But no candy so far, except for 10 lollipops... if I don't buy bags of candy, then I can avoid the whole Halloween thing, I guess. I don't feel like doing Halloween. It's too much trouble. Why do I feel guilty when I consider skipping the handing out of candy on Halloween? Surely I've done it for enough years now to make up for the years when I went trick or treating as a child. I've paid my dues; it's other people's turn now. If other people don't care enough to do it, I shouldn't have to feel like I need to make up for everyone else, especially when I don't have any enthusiasm for it myself. And yet that feeling still nags at me!
Why can't I hang up my Halloween lights outside, without wanting to give out candy? Gah. At Christmas, you can put up lights and decorations, without worrying about misleading people as to your purpose, and without having to turn away children from your gate.
What do you do with a Jackolantern, if you're not giving out candy? Just keep it in the living room? Maybe I could keep the pumpkin uncut until Thanksgiving or Christmas or whenever. Who says that you can't carve a jackolantern for Christmas or New Year's?
Yesterday I planned to go grocery shopping. But I wasn't ready to leave until 7:15pm. Then I had to hurry because the first store was closing at 8pm, and the 2nd store at 9pm. The 3rd store is open all night. But when I was half-way through the 3rd store, me and 2 other customers noticed a bad smell in the air. There was some kind of electrical problem with the ice machine. So then I decided I had better hurry there too, and get my purchases purchased quickly, lest they evacuate the store and make me leave my filled shopping cart behind.
On the bright side, I got my grocery shopping done in a much shorter time than usual. And I even stumbled across another sandwich container like I was looking for, at Earthfare. (I had bought 2 of them a while back at Old Navy, but by the time I decided I wanted a 3rd, they were no longer in stock.)
I feel like I'm getting nothing done.
Even though yesterday, I... cut grass and shoveled sh*t. And took a shower. And scanned a friend's computer for malware. And went grocery shopping. And washed dishes. And cooked greens, and cut up strawberries.
Gah. These cards are staring at me.
What can I do? anxiety. and I feel like crying for no reason, too.
"Dear ***. Happy Halloween. I'm depressed and/or dysthymic, like usual. I got my roof replaced. Still have the 2 dogs, who are tearing up my yard. I went grocery shopping yesterday. Hope you're well! Love ***"
Gah.
Why do I buy Halloween cards, when I end up sitting there with a pen in my hand for an hour, wondering what to write on the cards, so that it is more than just "Dear ***, Happy Halloween, Love ***". What do you write to someone you only see a few times a decade? Writing cards is harder than making small-talk.
I bought a small pumpkin. But no candy so far, except for 10 lollipops... if I don't buy bags of candy, then I can avoid the whole Halloween thing, I guess. I don't feel like doing Halloween. It's too much trouble. Why do I feel guilty when I consider skipping the handing out of candy on Halloween? Surely I've done it for enough years now to make up for the years when I went trick or treating as a child. I've paid my dues; it's other people's turn now. If other people don't care enough to do it, I shouldn't have to feel like I need to make up for everyone else, especially when I don't have any enthusiasm for it myself. And yet that feeling still nags at me!
Why can't I hang up my Halloween lights outside, without wanting to give out candy? Gah. At Christmas, you can put up lights and decorations, without worrying about misleading people as to your purpose, and without having to turn away children from your gate.
What do you do with a Jackolantern, if you're not giving out candy? Just keep it in the living room? Maybe I could keep the pumpkin uncut until Thanksgiving or Christmas or whenever. Who says that you can't carve a jackolantern for Christmas or New Year's?
Yesterday I planned to go grocery shopping. But I wasn't ready to leave until 7:15pm. Then I had to hurry because the first store was closing at 8pm, and the 2nd store at 9pm. The 3rd store is open all night. But when I was half-way through the 3rd store, me and 2 other customers noticed a bad smell in the air. There was some kind of electrical problem with the ice machine. So then I decided I had better hurry there too, and get my purchases purchased quickly, lest they evacuate the store and make me leave my filled shopping cart behind.
On the bright side, I got my grocery shopping done in a much shorter time than usual. And I even stumbled across another sandwich container like I was looking for, at Earthfare. (I had bought 2 of them a while back at Old Navy, but by the time I decided I wanted a 3rd, they were no longer in stock.)
I feel like I'm getting nothing done.
Even though yesterday, I... cut grass and shoveled sh*t. And took a shower. And scanned a friend's computer for malware. And went grocery shopping. And washed dishes. And cooked greens, and cut up strawberries.
Gah. These cards are staring at me.
What can I do? anxiety. and I feel like crying for no reason, too.
"Dear ***. Happy Halloween. I'm depressed and/or dysthymic, like usual. I got my roof replaced. Still have the 2 dogs, who are tearing up my yard. I went grocery shopping yesterday. Hope you're well! Love ***"
Gah.
Another baby bird buried.
The dogs put in the garage for the night.
Mosquito bitten.
Code promoted. Anxiety over the code to hopefully diminish now.
I had spent time on a semi-elegant solution involving 8 files, and gotten it to work, but then decided it was overkill. So I promoted a 3-file temp fix instead. It only needs to be a temp fix anyway.
Diminish now.
Work laptop turned off.
It's the weekend now.
Oh the ants. I've conspired to poison the ants.
Using my mental faculties to plan deaths.
The ants don't seem to be cooperating though.
Perhaps a few days.
Up on the tree, up on the wall.
Losing my connection.
Trying to keep.
The dogs put in the garage for the night.
Mosquito bitten.
Code promoted. Anxiety over the code to hopefully diminish now.
I had spent time on a semi-elegant solution involving 8 files, and gotten it to work, but then decided it was overkill. So I promoted a 3-file temp fix instead. It only needs to be a temp fix anyway.
Diminish now.
Work laptop turned off.
It's the weekend now.
Oh the ants. I've conspired to poison the ants.
Using my mental faculties to plan deaths.
The ants don't seem to be cooperating though.
Perhaps a few days.
Up on the tree, up on the wall.
Losing my connection.
Trying to keep.
(no subject)
Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009 01:21 amI'm beginning to think that Q tends to mistakenly interpret other people's actions as acts of passive-aggressiveness towards him. Or it could be that his interpretations are correct, and that I am naive to think that people generally would not act that way.
.
I'm feeling a slight level of general anxiety. Must be hormones.
I don't know how to enjoy things. I've got things to do. I've got this vague idea that once I finish those things, that I'll be able to relax and enjoy being on vacation. But I don't know how to do so. I don't particularly enjoy anything. Maybe that is why I keep myself busy with these "things to do". If I could think of something enjoyable to do, maybe I wouldn't waste my precious time like that. Or maybe the things I'm doing are the things that I originally thought would be enjoyable, but which I now find out just feel like things that need to get done.
Phone-calls have been annoying me. I don't get many; but when I do, I feel interrupted in the things I'm busy doing, and annoyed at the interruption, and annoyed at having to listen to someone talk and talk and talk instead of being able to continue and complete the task I was interrupted in doing. But I'm always busy doing something, so there's no good time for anyone to call.
.
The wrist-cuffs of my sweaters and jackets smell like dog saliva.
There's a friend of one of my co-workers who had indicated to them a strong interest in taking the puppy. I think I should have heard from him by now, but I still haven't. On the one hand, I'm anxious about having him call, as I'm worried that Q will be upset if I give away the puppy. But I've always intended to find a different home for it. Why does everyone think I'm going to keep it? Do they think I'm such a good-hearted person that it would be natural for me to keep it and keep taking care of it for years and years and years?
On the other hand, I'm anxious that he won't call, and I'll end up having to keep the puppy, and that Q and me will break up, but that I'll still have to keep the puppy even though Q says he'd be willing to take it, and that the dog will be lonely and neglected because I can't take good care of it, because I'm an unhappy, joyless individual, and I can't love it, and taking care of it feels like work and takes away from my precious time. My precious time, which I can't find anything enjoyable to do with it. Because nothing makes me happy.
.
I'm feeling a slight level of general anxiety. Must be hormones.
I don't know how to enjoy things. I've got things to do. I've got this vague idea that once I finish those things, that I'll be able to relax and enjoy being on vacation. But I don't know how to do so. I don't particularly enjoy anything. Maybe that is why I keep myself busy with these "things to do". If I could think of something enjoyable to do, maybe I wouldn't waste my precious time like that. Or maybe the things I'm doing are the things that I originally thought would be enjoyable, but which I now find out just feel like things that need to get done.
Phone-calls have been annoying me. I don't get many; but when I do, I feel interrupted in the things I'm busy doing, and annoyed at the interruption, and annoyed at having to listen to someone talk and talk and talk instead of being able to continue and complete the task I was interrupted in doing. But I'm always busy doing something, so there's no good time for anyone to call.
.
The wrist-cuffs of my sweaters and jackets smell like dog saliva.
There's a friend of one of my co-workers who had indicated to them a strong interest in taking the puppy. I think I should have heard from him by now, but I still haven't. On the one hand, I'm anxious about having him call, as I'm worried that Q will be upset if I give away the puppy. But I've always intended to find a different home for it. Why does everyone think I'm going to keep it? Do they think I'm such a good-hearted person that it would be natural for me to keep it and keep taking care of it for years and years and years?
On the other hand, I'm anxious that he won't call, and I'll end up having to keep the puppy, and that Q and me will break up, but that I'll still have to keep the puppy even though Q says he'd be willing to take it, and that the dog will be lonely and neglected because I can't take good care of it, because I'm an unhappy, joyless individual, and I can't love it, and taking care of it feels like work and takes away from my precious time. My precious time, which I can't find anything enjoyable to do with it. Because nothing makes me happy.
(no subject)
Monday, February 16th, 2009 12:25 pmSometimes writing things in LJ makes me feel better, as I've gotten whatever it was I wanted to say out of my system. Other times, it results in me feeling anxiety, worrying about how other people may react to what I've written and how they may view me in a negative light as a result of it.
I have a Clif Builder bar and a Clif Mojo bar, which I found out yesterday are part of a voluntary recall due to the peanut thing. I suppose I should throw them away to be on the safe side, but I haven't brought myself to do it yet.
Note to self: Do not cook brown rice with sugar. In fact, don't buy brown rice again. It never ends up tasting very good to me. Or if so, try the long-grain type for a change, even though with the white rice I prefer the short-grain.
I have a Clif Builder bar and a Clif Mojo bar, which I found out yesterday are part of a voluntary recall due to the peanut thing. I suppose I should throw them away to be on the safe side, but I haven't brought myself to do it yet.
Note to self: Do not cook brown rice with sugar. In fact, don't buy brown rice again. It never ends up tasting very good to me. Or if so, try the long-grain type for a change, even though with the white rice I prefer the short-grain.
(no subject)
Monday, June 23rd, 2008 08:20 pmInternet friends aren't real friends, they just let you pretend you have some kind of social circle.
Internet friends are entertainment like TV, like a book, for when you're bored, with the added bonus of being interactive.
They can be ignored when you're busy or tired or not in the mood, and they don't get mad at you when you do so; it's the same way for them.
Maybe I don't want real friends, maybe I really do just want to be entertained, and to pretend.
The thought of having real friends, and having to spend time doing things with them... doesn't actually sound so great. What kinds of things would we do? Would I enjoy the activities, or would it seem like a waste of time which I could have spent doing other things? I can't think of much of anything I'd really want to do, which I couldn't do as well by myself. One friend actually is all one needs, a companion for the things you wouldn't feel like doing alone. And you to accompany them. And I have a friend. Would I want more? I suppose you could do different things with different people, if no single person enjoyed all the things you wanted to do.
How much of my not having friends is due to me not being able to make them, versus me not wanting them? Friendships always sound nice in theory; books and stories make them sound like fun... but in real life? Real life isn't a book or a story, and real people don't tend to be from my preferred genres. I'm living in the Regular Fiction/Non-fiction section, not the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section.
.
I walked to a nearby store last week. Another day, I just went for a walk, to walk. There are places I walk by, which call to me.... wouldn't I like to walk into that section of trees? I bet it's magical in there, or spooky.... but I daren't. There may be people watching. There may even be people within that section of trees.. they would look at me or maybe even shout at me, and make me extremely uncomfortable. Better to just keep walking along the street. But I wonder, why do I seem to shy away from the things that most attract me?
That was always one of the rudest surprises... Walking along the paths through the trees, my private secluded areas, and suddenly catching sight of someone else... a solitary adult man sometimes, a potential danger (act confident; walk briskly; ignore them and they'll ignore me)... or hearing other people's voices.... making me anxious, destroying my peace... it's no longer my own private secluded area. I can no longer go there to get away from people... now there is the possibility that there may be eyes even there, watching me. Why does my feeling of belonging disappear, once I realize there are other people there too? Then I become just an interloper, myself.
Internet friends are entertainment like TV, like a book, for when you're bored, with the added bonus of being interactive.
They can be ignored when you're busy or tired or not in the mood, and they don't get mad at you when you do so; it's the same way for them.
Maybe I don't want real friends, maybe I really do just want to be entertained, and to pretend.
The thought of having real friends, and having to spend time doing things with them... doesn't actually sound so great. What kinds of things would we do? Would I enjoy the activities, or would it seem like a waste of time which I could have spent doing other things? I can't think of much of anything I'd really want to do, which I couldn't do as well by myself. One friend actually is all one needs, a companion for the things you wouldn't feel like doing alone. And you to accompany them. And I have a friend. Would I want more? I suppose you could do different things with different people, if no single person enjoyed all the things you wanted to do.
How much of my not having friends is due to me not being able to make them, versus me not wanting them? Friendships always sound nice in theory; books and stories make them sound like fun... but in real life? Real life isn't a book or a story, and real people don't tend to be from my preferred genres. I'm living in the Regular Fiction/Non-fiction section, not the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section.
.
I walked to a nearby store last week. Another day, I just went for a walk, to walk. There are places I walk by, which call to me.... wouldn't I like to walk into that section of trees? I bet it's magical in there, or spooky.... but I daren't. There may be people watching. There may even be people within that section of trees.. they would look at me or maybe even shout at me, and make me extremely uncomfortable. Better to just keep walking along the street. But I wonder, why do I seem to shy away from the things that most attract me?
That was always one of the rudest surprises... Walking along the paths through the trees, my private secluded areas, and suddenly catching sight of someone else... a solitary adult man sometimes, a potential danger (act confident; walk briskly; ignore them and they'll ignore me)... or hearing other people's voices.... making me anxious, destroying my peace... it's no longer my own private secluded area. I can no longer go there to get away from people... now there is the possibility that there may be eyes even there, watching me. Why does my feeling of belonging disappear, once I realize there are other people there too? Then I become just an interloper, myself.
