Darkoshi

I didn't find out about the April 5 Hands-Off protests early enough to make plans to go to the one here. But there are more nationwide protests planned for this Saturday as part of 50-50-1.

AFL-CIO and allies plan more mass protests through April 19

Little things make me anxious. I already found the Facebook page for the SC branch of the 50501 group, which does show a protest will be held here in Columbia on the 19th. Yet now I saw that the main site's page doesn't show an event being held here. (Maybe I'll go downtown with a sign and there will be no large group ::dread::) So if you don't see your location listed on the main site's event page either, you may want to do some more searches to be sure.

I need to make a sign. There's hardly any point in going if I don't have a sign, as then I will just look like a random person standing around. So I have to decide something to write on a sign, and then make the sign.

I have to fight against the part of me that doesn't want to go out there and expose myself. There are so many things I could put on a sign, but I am having trouble thinking of something I'll agree to.

This Reddit thread has many interesting comments:
Can most Americans smile on command ?

There are different opinions as to how common smiling at strangers is in larger U.S. cities.
It seems to be quite uncommon in Eastern Europe.


Here's a small sampling of the other comments; these are by no means all of the interesting ones:

Mr_rairkim:
As an Estonian, I don't smile very often. Only in some exceptional circumstances. It's normal in Estonia that people are like that. Also people on family photos have much more neutral expressions.

btz312:
Smiling is like the American bowing. Don’t take it too seriously.
It keeps things easy going in a large multicultural + business culture country.

Zekapri:
Yeah, we also do it without realizing too. I didn’t know it was an American thing to smile at strangers until I travelled outside the states and it was pointed out. I’ve been to countries where it’s no where near common.

Dangerous-Sort-6238:
I moved to Brooklyn in my early 20s. The very lovely Russian shop keeper pulled my aside to let me know I “looked like a fool always smiling at everyone”.

Calan_adan:
Depends on where you go, though. Smiling at people is pretty common in a lot of sub-Saharan African countries.

DualcockDoblepollita:
its not an american thing. Plenty of countries out there where people smile often. We smile all the time in spain. I would even say that countries where people are serious all the time are the exception and not the rule

techno-wizardry
Is the dude nod an American thing too? Or is that more universal.

Longjumping_Youth281:
Smile at strangers? Is this like a southern or mid Western thing? I feel like that might come across as odd in some of the cities of New England and the Northeast.
I mean there's just too many people around to smile at. You would either have to be permanently smiling all day or choose specific strangers to smile at at which point they would think why is this dude singling me out and smiling at me?

Zekapri:
lol it’s not a head on smile. Think of almost an awkward smile. Like closed lip for a few seconds. We’re not fully perma smiling at people. Not every state might do it but it is a lot more common in America

Forking-shirtballs:
Yes. And especially in the Midwest it would be considered strange not to.

PunkCPA:
There are two types of smiles. The social smile, which is what you're likely to see with Americans, is a message to others. You may mean to say that you are well-disposed, or interested in what they say, or sorry for a small inconvenience, etc. It's quite flexible. It's also a cultural convention, not a universal behavior.
Don't confuse it with the Duchenne smile. It's also called "a smile that reaches the eyes." That's usually an involuntary reaction of pure delight and has even been observed in Estonia.

Jungletoast-9941
Yes it is a big part of the culture. As a Canadian ppl say we have a specific smile for when you are passing someone on the street. Usually a half smile. We do it to show we acknowledge the stranger and mean no harm. If you are interested, there are a lot of greetings that have been studied by sociologists. For example handshakes developed as a way to show you had no weapon.

wingedcoyote
Sorry, there's nothing at all wrong with the question and this is just my probably warped perspective as an American, but the idea of whole nations of people being so habitually dour that the idea of deliberately smiling seems foreign and confusing has me authentically chuckling.
I'd like to add that, at least IMO, when one deliberately smiles it usually isn't just a physical motion of the face -- it starts with refocusing your mental state on something positive in your situation, and letting that thought "steer" your face instead of whatever else you were thinking. Forcing a smile when you're actually fully unhappy would feel fake and has a much higher chance of looking fake. Also, while I think this ability is socially useful and can even be psychologically beneficial, the expectation of it is unfortunately a hardship for autistic folks who often find it much more difficult.

Mudbuda
I'm an English student currently studying in Tallinn, Estonia and I've really found this to be a big cultural difference! My host family hardly smile at me and at first it was off-putting, until I realised it's just the culture and it doesn't mean they dislike me.

RiverJai:
For what it's worth, I spent three weeks in Helsinki several years back. I definitely noticed how no one ever made eye contact or smiled out in public. No one greeted anyone else, and friendly small talk was right out. It was a very odd feeling walking around feeling invisible and totally disconnected from other humans like that. It was one of the most unexpected and stark culture shocks I experienced... Really didn't see it coming, and I honestly had a lot of trouble being around so many people showing no happiness or warmth, like a permanent fog of depression.
I learned that it was truly cultural, and no judgement on that. It was just the literal opposite of American social behaviors that I didn't realize were a lot less global.

rando439
Yes. In many situations not smiling = threatening. Smiling is meant to put the other person at ease. Any time eye contact is made, there is a good chance someone is going to feel insulted or threatened without smiles being exchanged. They don't even have to be real to the eyes smiles and, in fact, it's better if they don't in some cases.
Now, why everyone is needing to be reassured in the first place is another question I do not have the answer to.

SnooLentils3008
I actually read something about this. Back hundreds of years ago America was full of strangers from distant lands who didn’t speak the same languages. So they became extra expressive with smiling and such to show they meant well and weren’t a threat because it was the only way they could communicate it quickly.
So now to this day smiling is much more common in “nations of immigrants”. Here in Canada if you shake someone’s hand to meet them it might almost seem a bit hostile if they have a serious expression in their face (depending on context). “Resting bitch face” I’m sure is much more of a thing here than in a lot of other places. Usually at least a slight smile shows friendliness here

I'm reading Ancillary Sword, the 2nd book in the trilogy by Ann Leckie.

I discussed some of the gender aspects of the book in the comments in this thread.

But there's another aspect of the book which I've realized speaks to me: ( Lack of emotional display )

Not sure how to explain it. There is more I want to write. I may continue this post later.

Lately when texting or typing someone a message, rather than just typing an emoji, I'll sometimes click to see what emoticon gifs are available. And there are so many smiling, laughing, crying, etc. faces, but *none* of them look like the simple smile I had in mind. Then I have to decide whether to use one of those sort-of-creepy-looking smiley icons, or not to insert a smiley after all.

Sometimes, I want to add a cute image to the end of my message, because there are so many available, right? So I start scrolling through them... oh that's a nice palm tree, I could use that maybe... oh a cute elephant.. a crab... a fox... a heart with stars in it.. But then I wonder, will the other person appreciate the cute image, or will they wonder why I'm sending them an image of a palm tree, or of a fox...

The other night, around midnight, I went to check my mailbox. There were 2 youths/teenagers walking up the street at the same time - I had seen them before leaving my yard, and had a brief thought that I could just wait until they had walked on by. Because shy little me doesn't like having to interact with other people. But that would be acting like I was afraid of them, and I wasn't. They weren't giving off any bad vibes. So I headed down the street, enjoying the night air. As I approached them, I heard one of them say, fairly loudly, "Spect!" In the first moment, I thought he must be saying something to the other guy, but I wasn't sure... so I just dipped my head in greeting as I walked past. By then it was too late to say anything anyway. I got the mail, walked on back, and kept thinking about it. He must have been saying "Respect". Was that a greeting? Oh dear, maybe he was greeting me in a friendly way, and I just walked on by without saying anything. Maybe they didn't even see me dip my head. Maybe now they think I'm an unfriendly snob.

There have been a few times when I've said hello to other strangers while walking by them in this neighborhood, and they didn't say anything back. (That may be why I really wasn't expecting these two to say anything to me.) That gave me a feeling like... not that I clearly remember... like they were thinking "Why are you talking to me?" But I brushed it off, thinking maybe they didn't hear me, or were just surprised at being talked to. Or whatever, not important. So maybe this is what it's like from the other side.

After getting back inside, I googled whether "Respect" is ever used as a greeting. Apparently it is, in Jamaica.

Another reason why I'd rather just nod my head in greeting to people, is that if I hear them say something that sounds like a greeting, even if they are alone, they may really just be speaking on their cellphone, with an earpiece... Had it happen a few times where I replied "Hi" to someone, and then felt chagrined, realizing they were talking on their phone.

Ask Culture and Guess Culture - points out some interesting differences of perspective among different people regarding what is polite or not. I'd probably instead call it "Ask Culture" versus "Beat-around-the-bush Culture" or maybe versus "Drop-hints-and-wait-to-be-offered Culture".

The MetaFilter post was regarding a specific situation: An acquaintance asking if they could stay at your house for a certain number of days.

Some people feel this is a perfectly acceptable question, and that one should simply reply "No" if one does not want to allow it (I think I fall into that category). Other people feel that even asking such a question is quite rude - that you can mention you'll be in town (and possibly hope that you may be offered a place to stay), but you should never directly ask the question, as that could put the other person in the "uncomfortable position of having to say no".

I suppose the latter people feel that their home is a sanctuary; sacrosanct; and that it is highly rude for anyone to ask to stay over unless they've first been invited to do so. Perhaps the discomfort with saying No is related to the culture valuing the appearance of graciousness and friendliness, but only up to a point which is assumed to be understood by everyone involved. Going beyond that point is seen as rude.

I doubt the "Ask" versus "Guess" thing applies to all questions, only certain kinds... perhaps only questions which could be considered to be asking for a favor. Surely the latter group feel it is okay to ask other things such as "Would you like to meet somewhere to eat dinner together while I'm in town?".

However, even the question about staying over at someone's house has many aspects to consider. It doesn't have to be considered a favor. Some people communicate very rarely, but still consider each other friends, and might still like to meet up with each other occasionally. Among some people, having someone they haven't seen in a long time stay over at their house could be seen as a great way to catch up with them, even if the main purpose of the other person's trip isn't to visit with them. Other people only feel friendly with people whom they remain in close contact with, and wouldn't consider having lesser acquaintances stay over. One person may see things from the one point of view, while the other person may see it from the other point of view.

Among some acquaintances, it may seem a natural thing that if they are traveling to your town, that you might offer them a place to stay, and that they'd reciprocate if you were traveling to their town.

Given how many friends and acquaintances a person may have, it may not be possible to remember which of those people have offered you a place to stay while visiting, versus those who haven't. With the "Guess" group of people, it seems you could only safely ask the question of close family members, even if other people had explicitly offered it to you in the past.

There may also be an issue with some people saying things like "We'd love to have you over sometime" without really meaning it. Don't some people say that simply out of politeness, not expecting the other person to ever take them up on the offer? And perhaps some people mean it in the sense of "I wouldn't mind you dropping by for an hour or so" while other people mean it in the sense of "I wouldn't mind you dropping by for a few days".

There will always be some people who might want to take advantage of you by getting a free place to stay, while not caring about you otherwise. Some people may pretend friendship and end up robbing you or worse. But simply asking if it is okay to stay over doesn't mean that the person is trying to take advantage.

This is all very theoretical for me. I haven't ever had a non-family member ask to stay at my house, nor have I ever asked to stay over at a non-family member's house. My perspective is based on my mom and her friends. When traveling, my mom has several times stayed with old friends, and old friends have occasionally visited her.

I have yet never been able to bring myself to reply to "Hi how are you?" with just a "How are you?" as other people seem to do. It doesn't seem logical.

In limited settings, I may reply, "Fine, how are you?".

But most often, when someone I only vaguely know greets me that way in passing, I tend to reply "all right [smile]". There isn't usually time to get more words out of my mouth, or to even think of saying more. But I've been wondering lately if a reply like that sounds rude? Ie., someone asks how you are, but you only give an answer and don't reciprocate to ask how they are? Even though I know they aren't really asking to find out how you are; it's just a greeting. But is it rude or an ok reply?

Today I heard an exchange:
Person 1: "Hi, how are you doing?"
Person 2: "How are YOU doing?"
(neither person specifically answering the questions but going on to talk about other stuff.)

Maybe that is how people do it, without it sounding completely awkward. Are you supposed to emphasize different words depending on whether you greet the other person first versus replying to someone else's greeting?

I just got called "sweetie" again, by a woman on the phone. I'm 39 years old and still getting called "sweetie". ::amused::

I was calling to make an appointment for routine service to my air conditioning unit. I'm hoping that once I see how it is done, I can do it myself in the future.

I'm on vacation this week.

Now I still need to make some calls to get quotes for a roof replacement.

I was considering getting a metal roof, because of the beneficial energy and environmental aspects. They're supposed to keep the attic cooler, thereby reducing your A/C use. And since they are metal, they're recyclable at the end of their supposedly long lifespan. But I'm not convinced that the standing-seam kind of metal roof will maintain a good appearance over a long time-span. I've seen many standing-seam roofs where the colors have faded or the finish has started to look weathered.

So I was considering the smaller metal tile shingles. They look nicer to me than the standing-seam kind of roof. But it seems that metal tiles can be easily damaged, if you ever need to walk on the roof. Most websites say to read the manufacturers' special instructions for how to walk on the roof. Walking on a metal roof is also more slippery and dangerous than on an asphalt shingle roof. If the shingles aren't installed right, there are risks of leaks... and my guess is that not many roofers around here have much experience with metal shingles.

So then I was considering the regular or architectural asphalt shingles again.

I remember seeing a shingle that was metal but covered with some kind of asphalt-like coating, on an home improvement TV show... but I haven't found any info on those online.
Update: I found out that they are called "stone coated metal tile" or "stone coated steel".


Now I came across another new thing - "synthetic polymer-based" shingles.

Sigh. I thought I was decided, but now I'm not anymore.

Another issue is whether I've got enough attic ventilation. That can cause asphalt shingles to fail early. I've got aluminum soffits, with vented slats every few yards. I was wondering whether the solid aluminum slats could all be replaced with vented slats, to increase ventilation. But I've now discovered that the aluminum soffit was installed over an older wood soffit. The vented aluminum slats are on top of the old vents which were in the wood soffit. So adding more venting would require dealing with *both* the aluminum and the wood soffits. Sigh.

It is so hard deciding what to do.

I've gotten so used to giving Qiao a good-bye kiss when he leaves, that a few times now, I've caught myself automatically leaning in to do the same thing with Forestfen when saying good-bye to her. Then I disconcertedly realize that the face which my face is approaching is not one which I want to kiss. Usually I shrug away from kisses from family members, and I certainly never used to initiate them; the only reason I got into the habit of doing it with Qiao is that he trained me into it.

I usually don't miss people, if I know I will see them again. Is this because I don't feel strong attachments to them? I don't know. It's only when I know I will never see them again, or when I know things will likely never be the same again, that I'm likely to feel sad. Otherwise, I can think about the persons who are not there and feel good... what is there to miss? They are still there, in my mind.

It's awkward though, when other people tell me they miss me, because I can't truthfully reply that I miss them too.

Maybe it's just one of those things people say, without really meaning it, like "How are you?".