Darkoshi

Internet friends aren't real friends, they just let you pretend you have some kind of social circle.
Internet friends are entertainment like TV, like a book, for when you're bored, with the added bonus of being interactive.
They can be ignored when you're busy or tired or not in the mood, and they don't get mad at you when you do so; it's the same way for them.

Maybe I don't want real friends, maybe I really do just want to be entertained, and to pretend.
The thought of having real friends, and having to spend time doing things with them... doesn't actually sound so great. What kinds of things would we do? Would I enjoy the activities, or would it seem like a waste of time which I could have spent doing other things? I can't think of much of anything I'd really want to do, which I couldn't do as well by myself. One friend actually is all one needs, a companion for the things you wouldn't feel like doing alone. And you to accompany them. And I have a friend. Would I want more? I suppose you could do different things with different people, if no single person enjoyed all the things you wanted to do.

How much of my not having friends is due to me not being able to make them, versus me not wanting them? Friendships always sound nice in theory; books and stories make them sound like fun... but in real life? Real life isn't a book or a story, and real people don't tend to be from my preferred genres. I'm living in the Regular Fiction/Non-fiction section, not the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section.

.

I walked to a nearby store last week. Another day, I just went for a walk, to walk. There are places I walk by, which call to me.... wouldn't I like to walk into that section of trees? I bet it's magical in there, or spooky.... but I daren't. There may be people watching. There may even be people within that section of trees.. they would look at me or maybe even shout at me, and make me extremely uncomfortable. Better to just keep walking along the street. But I wonder, why do I seem to shy away from the things that most attract me?

That was always one of the rudest surprises... Walking along the paths through the trees, my private secluded areas, and suddenly catching sight of someone else... a solitary adult man sometimes, a potential danger (act confident; walk briskly; ignore them and they'll ignore me)... or hearing other people's voices.... making me anxious, destroying my peace... it's no longer my own private secluded area. I can no longer go there to get away from people... now there is the possibility that there may be eyes even there, watching me. Why does my feeling of belonging disappear, once I realize there are other people there too? Then I become just an interloper, myself.