it must be him

Saturday, January 23rd, 2021 03:22 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
This song captures the agony of unrequited limerence very well:


Video title: Vikki Carr - It Must Be Him (1967)
Posted by: MrAkdnt
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-qgHOQ1ofg
Date posted: Nov 25, 2017


Song lyrics (It Must Be Him)

Wikipedia entry for the song (It Must Be Him)


Andrew Rannells did a more humorous version of the song, as part of his performance at the Lincoln Center:

Video title: long tall boi andy does a stretch: the song
Posted by: peachiii
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeRbgfg-5I0
Date posted: May 18, 2018

HPMOR chapter 87

Wednesday, September 20th, 2017 11:44 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
Today's outburst of reading laughter was brought to me by this passage:

"That is not okay! You can’t do science with two people at once!"
"Er—"
"I mean, you can’t do science with two different people and not tell them about each other!"

http://www.hpmor.com/

(which of course won't make much sense unless you've read the 86 chapters before that part.)

And then I reflected that I could relate a lot more to that statement taken literally, than to that for which it might be interpreted as a metaphor.
darkoshi: (Default)
Being mostly asexual, I've always had a hard time understanding what sex has to do with love; about why having sex purportedly tends to make sexual people start feeling love and/or affection for the person(s) they have sex with. Or why it increases the love/affection they feel for the other person.

But it occurred to me this morning that sex is generally very pleasurable for sexual people, and that the person they have sex with therefore becomes a source of pleasure for them. And when someone is a source of pleasure for you, you start to like them a lot. The greater the pleasure, the more you like them.

In retrospect, it seems quite obvious, but I'm not sure if it's ever quite "clicked" in my mind that way before... I would think of 2 people having sex, and I'd consider the physical act of sex itself the source of pleasure for the people involved, and I didn't see why the physical act would lead to an emotional bond, since it was a purely physical act.

It's been such a rare occurrence for anyone in real life to be a great source of pleasure for me, that it's almost a foreign concept to me. It's even been rare for anyone to be a moderate source of pleasure; which may be why I've rarely felt much inclination to try to form and maintain friendships with people.

Maybe what I feel for Qiao is closer to friendship than love. I'm still not sure if I really love anyone. Qiao has on occasion been a great source of pleasure for me, but that's mostly been long in the past. Nowadays he is usually a moderate source of pleasure for me.

Those times when someone has been a great source of pleasure to me, it has felt sexual to me... that is how I've come to define sexuality in my mind, even if it may not actually be related to sex. Great pleasure is *sexual*; it is a sudden magical *thing* between that person and me, which sparks my mind and excites my emotions and possibly also excites my body. During those moments, I adore the other person. And for a long time afterwards, I remember the pleasure that was felt, prolonging the pleasure, and I still associate it with the other person, and I therefore still adore the other person. This persists for a long time until the person ceases being a continuing source of great pleasure, and I no longer expect or hope to feel it from them again.

(no subject)

Saturday, January 31st, 2009 03:52 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
When I was looking at the Valentine's cards at the pharmacy, there was one which was worded "To My Partner"... I liked that part of it (and there was only a single card worded like that), but the rest of the text wasn't quite right. There was another card, where almost all the text sounded appropriate... but then I saw that the card had a narrow side-flap which said "To the Woman I Love". I thought, I could cross out the "Wo"... I mean, who cares if the card was intended for a woman or man - the message is the same. I thought, I could cross out the "Love" part too, because I'm not comfortable with that word... no, crossing that out would be bad. I could have just cut the whole flap off... Then I looked at the text of the main card again, and the very last part said something about me feeling "truly happy", and I realized, that part wasn't right either. I can't honestly say that I feel truly happy. I'm happier with Q than without him, but "truly happy"? No, I don't feel that way. There were a couple of cute cards which I didn't find any fault with, but which didn't say much at all. I was thinking, maybe I should get Q all of these cards which came somewhat close, and tell him, these are the ones which come closest to what I feel, even though none of them are quite right. That didn't seem like the greatest idea though, either.

I thought of perhaps getting Q's mother a birthday card, but then I thought that she has so many family-members, and she must get so many cards... And the cards I was considering seemed humorous to me, but she might not be as amused by them.

It's too bad that all the little heart-shaped candy with the little messages on them has gelatin in it. I used to like them as a kid. But I guess I wouldn't want a whole bag of them anyway. I'm not as fond of eating sugary candy as I used to be. Sometimes my teeth are even sensitive to the sugar.

(no subject)

Saturday, January 17th, 2009 10:33 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I feel like I'm floundering along through life. I make it through each day. Today I washed my hair, put more caulk over the cracked caulk in the bathroom, and vacuumed. And showed my brother and his partner my house. Floundering, because I don't have a goal. I can't think of any goals. Just being alive and surviving is time-consuming enough, without also figuring everything out when it seems there are no definite answers.

I have a cold. Pity me, for I am miserable with dry chapped skin and a runny nose and a sore throat. It could be worse, though.

Qiao said I should write that not only does he not make the bed, but he stays in the bed while I make it. When I sleep alone, the covers don't usually get very messed up, and I don't feel much need to make the bed the next day. I can just crawl back under the covers the next night, and they're still pretty much in place. But with Q, they always seem to get messed up. There's wrestling and tickling and protecting myself from ticklings, and him getting hot and throwing half the covers to my side during the night, and stuff like that. Maybe I'm just too much a perfectionist, that makes me want each layer to be positioned and aligned right.

While at the grocery store, I saw the aisle of red and pink Valentine's Day cards and thought of getting Q one. But a lot of the cards mention "love" and such (as one might expect), and I realized that I am still not comfortable with saying that I love him or giving him a card with those words. It does not seem truthful. Why don't I feel love? Shouldn't I feel love? What is it, that I feel? I'm ok with saying that I like him a lot. But love is liking someone very very very very very much, right? And I'm not sure I like him *that* much. I don't like anyone that much. Should I? Shouldn't I?

I wonder how much sex my brother and his partner have. I assume they must have sex. Would he be in a relationship with her, if they weren't having sex?

I am back to wondering if guys really only get into relationships for the sex. Maybe based on the not-rape page I read. So some guys will "use" females for sex... but if they do that, it would also make sense for them to get into long-term relationships with females in order to have ongoing sex. So is that why they get into relationships? Is there any other reason? Is that the main reason?

It bothers me when Q talks about his ex, as it always seems to be in a negative light. How can you think so badly of someone you were involved with? I know he's going to think that way of me too someday. Why am I involved with someone who can't see that there is good and bad in everyone? And that someone isn't just all bad. As if everything she did was done purposefully to make his life miserable. Like he was the victim of this horrible evil mean woman. Well, if he was, wasn't it his fault for staying in a relationship with her?

Is he messing up the covers on the bed, just in order to make me miserable? Is that how I should think of it, one day when we are no longer together?

.

Let's call my brother Bro, and his partner Pard. So I happened to mention something about my dad to them, and about my dad's wife, and Pard seemed surprised that my dad was remarried. She seemed to find it hard to believe he had found anyone who would put up with him... as if Bro had told her so many bad things about my dad, that Pard too sees him as an all-bad person. Yes, I know that my dad did not necessarily always treat Bro well, but I think he was trying to do what he thought was best. That does not make him an all-evil person. People often don't get along, but does that mean they are horrible? Everyone is horrible, in ways.

(no subject)

Saturday, March 10th, 2007 09:07 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I've decided that the label "submissive" really doesn't fit me well. Rather, I'm a bottom with some submissive tendencies who enjoys psychological D/s play. Not as easy to say, but... better descriptive.

I don't want D/s to be the basis or crux of a relationship. I want friendship, partnership, companionship, and affection to be the basis. But I like D/s as play, as something fun, something which affects me strongly and makes me feel good. I believe I even need it, to enjoy a relationship. When I say "play", I don't mean it can't be serious, and significant, and even painful at times. But I don't see myself as being constantly submissive. As part of the play, I might even want to act rebellious sometimes. But sometimes, I might not want to play at all.

I don't want someone who will treat me like a sub all the time, but I do want someone who might treat me like a sub at any time.

.

I want to be loved for who I am.

When I close my eyes at night, I want to feel sheltered by someone's concern and affection for me.

When I wake, I want to feel that the care & concern & affection is real and tangible, not just something I pretended/invented in order to fall comfortably asleep.

I want to love someone for who they are, not just for the affection they show me.

I want someone who can inspire that wonderfully euphoric feeling in me that has something to do with D/s.

I want someone with whom I can feel comforted by their physical touch and presence at least as often as I resort to comforting myself by thinking about it when I am alone.

In other words, I want to spend more time with my partner, than I spend yearning to be with them. But I guess there would need to be some times of yearning, in order for me to recognize how much they mean to me.

.

I was trying to think of the word to describe a particular relationship, like between my master/soulmate and me in one of my fantasies. The kind of relationship where the one has power over the other... in the fantasy, it was absolute power - life & death; power to read my thoughts and emotions; etc. In real life, I guess it could be a lesser power... But where, like in the fantasy, the other person can look at me (straight through me) in a way that makes my insides drop... makes me lose balance, feeling that power of theirs over me. A wonderful feeling of belonging, of fear, of excitement, of acknowledging their power over me.

I can't think of the word for describing that particular kind of relationship.
Disciple, no. Minion, no. Dominant/submissive, not necessarily. Master/slave, no.
Master/something... maybe. Master/pupil, not necessarily.

When I was young, I used to envision master/apprentice relationships as that kind of relationship. I had read books about apprentices where the master even had the power to have the apprentice put to death, if they were displeased enough with them. And then there was Star Wars, where Darth Vader was the Emperor's apprentice... oh, that was so cool.
But nowadays, the term apprentice just means to me someone who is being taught things. It doesn't so much imply the master having power over the student.

And for the relationship I'm trying to think of the word for, the "master" wouldn't necessarily even have to be teaching the other person anything. It wouldn't even need to be a consensual power-exchange relationship, just one where the one person has some kind of significant power over the other. Such as a captor and captive. It seems like there should be some word for that. Maybe it will come to me.

(no subject)

Saturday, October 21st, 2006 12:32 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
There's something odd about my emotional and/or mental associations and disassociations between "arousal", "sex" and "being cared about" (ie. perhaps "love").

I think that when I feel sexual arousal in response to interactions with someone, I am likely to start feeling intense emotions for them... I start "caring about" them. And I may start feeling that the other person "cares about" me. Ie., I may start feeling that there is some kind of desirable connection between us, some kind of "love". This is probably similar to how other people respond to sexual arousal from interactions with someone else.

But sexual acts themselves... as other people think of sexual acts... seem to often have an opposite or partially conflicting effect on me. Perhaps because these sexual acts by themselves are generally not directly arousing for me? When we start engaging in those kinds of sexual interactions, I feel that the other person doesn't really care about me. I feel or think that they just enjoy being aroused, and our interactions provide the arousal, and I'm just a means to an end. Therefore they don't really care about me, but rather themselves. Yet the other person, in this scenario, is probably just like me... the things that arouse them make them feel cared about, and make them care for the other person.

Maybe I wouldn't have this problem, if the things that were arousing to the other person were the same things that were arousing to me. Maybe it's just that I am still turned off by certain things, for whatever reasons. And I can't feel good about the other person when our interactions make me feel turned off, even if some of our other interactions make me feel turned on. Maybe the connection/love/care I feel is directly related to how turned on I am versus how turned off I am. In other words, it is a very sexual thing, in spite of my mind somehow correlating sexual activity with the other person not caring about me.

Of course, there are also non-sexual factors involved.
darkoshi: (Default)
In retrospect it seems rather obvious, but it's just occurred to me what my fantasies over the last few years have been lacking. And why they don't seem special anymore. They've been lacking the element of love... affection... having someone strongly caring about me, and me caring about them.

A fantasy like that isn't something that my mind can conjure up on the spur of the moment... those kinds of fantasies which I used to have tended to become epics... long stories with many chapters which I would revisit again and again, and embellish in different ways each time. But for some reason, I haven't felt like revisiting my old epic fantasies in my mind anymore. And I haven't created any new ones to replace them.

The fantasies I've been having lately have just been random short ones. The characters in them are basically strangers to me... no real personalities to them; I don't keep the same characters from one fantasy to the next... I don't even remember them well enough to use them again... They don't really care about me, nor me about them. The fantasies are sexual in nature, and I think about them simply in order to get to an orgasm while masturbating.

Yet the orgasms I get from short random fantasies like these don't seem special to me. After I've had them, I couldn't care less about having had them, or about what I was fantasizing about to get them. In retrospect, it's never been the orgasms which were so great for me, it was the accompanying emotions I felt. With my long epic fantasies, after having an orgasm, I still felt warm and fuzzy inside from the emotions. It's the emotions I craved, not so much the orgasms themselves.

Those epic fantasies gave me more than just warm and fuzzy emotions. Balancing the love and affection were other strong emotions including fear, hate, despair, and anger. I craved being able to feel those emotions too. In these fantasies, I was able to experience all these strong emotions while still being able to feel the underlying affection between me and my main counterparts. Being able to imagine all these strong emotions created a much more erotic experience for me, than the short non-emotional fantasies I've been having lately.

..

I was rather moody the last time Qiao and I were together. I felt like crying. Eventually I couldn't hold it back anymore and burst into tears... ran to the bathroom to be alone while I cried. After a bit, Qiao came for me and tried to get me to listen to him... held my face in his hands and tried to get me to look at him...

In retrospect, that experience with Qiao reminds me of a few scenes from some of my epic fantasies. Me, feeling a strong emotion of despair, yet also feeling caring and affection from my counterpart... Even being rescued from the despair by my counterpart. Me, feeling vulnerable and lost, but also feeling the presence of a strong and caring partner. Now that is the kind of scene which I can think back on, and start feeling warm and fuzzy from... it can feel erotic and can make me feel like masturbating. But surely that is an odd thing. I'm sure Qiao wouldn't want to repeat such a scene with me. I'm sure having me sad and weeping doesn't seem an erotic thing to him.

Although then again, the "being rescued" theme is a fairly common one in romances, isn't it.
darkoshi: (Default)
Some Doms say they don't punish their subs for disobedience; that their subs should want to obey them on their own, and if they don't obey, the Dom doesn't want to have to force them to do so... and that eventually, if the sub keeps being disobedient, that the Dom would just look for someone else who did want to obey them.

I don't desire to be obedient to a Dom mainly in order to please them. I do have a desire to please, but my desire to submit and to be obedient to a Dom is more due to the erotic stimulation I feel from it, and from knowing that I'll be punished for disobedience.

It might be nice too, to know that it wouldn't actually be so bad for me to be disobedient, because my Dom would enjoy having a reason to punish me, and would enjoy having an opportunity to try to convince me that I shouldn't disobey again.

If I feel that I won't be punished... or that the Dom will punish me, but won't personally enjoy doing so... that they wouldn't get any erotic stimulation or any mental pleasure from it like I would... then I would not have much desire to continue obeying the Dom or being in a D/s relationship with them, since I wouldn't be getting one of the main things I was seeking in such a relationship.

If my main desire were to please, I could just get into a vanilla relationship with someone. I'm sure there are lots of people who would be happy to have their partner doing all kinds of things just in order to please them. But I have no desire at all for a relationship like that. I don't desire to please other people so much so that I would devote my time to pleasing them instead of doing things which I would get more personal enjoyment from.

There's something about being told to do things which are difficult for me... And there's something about knowing that there will be unpleasant consequences for disobedience... There's something about the idea of this kind of relationship, that I associate with mutual affection and with there being strong, deep bonds between me and the other person.

Someone once commented that for different people, different things make them feel loved. (And different people have different ways of showing their love and affection.) And that if these things don't match up for 2 people in a relationship, that they'll end up feeling frustrated and unhappy.

I don't have much experience with being punished in real life. I can't be sure that I will feel the same way about it in reality as I do when I think about it. And there are a lot of other factors that would also influence how I'd feel about being in a relationship with someone.

I do remember one experience while I was a teen, which thrilled me. It was during a Tae Kwon Do lesson, when I had gotten frustrated over something, to the point of rebellion... that sudden moment when I turned around and saw my Tae Kwon Do instructor watching me *not doing* what I was supposed to be doing.
A moment of surprise, self-consciousness, annoyance, embarrassment, acceptance... an overall magic feeling... and later, after the lesson was over, while running the laps he had assigned me as punishment/penance, I felt amused and somewhat gleeful too. And aroused in some ways, although I didn't recognize that for what it was, back then.
darkoshi: (Default)
so, according to my dictionary, the adverb for lovely seems to be "lovelily". (like a flower, love-lily!) i can't recall ever having seen that word used in writing before. it looks quite odd. and sounds quite odd.

on the same page, are several lovelily named plants...

lovage (this one, i've at least heard of before)
love apple (formerly, the tomato. also, a tropical plant with tomato-like fruit)
love-entangle (aka "stonecrop")
lovegrass (one variety is called weeping lovegrass)
love-in-idleness (a wild pansy)
love-in-a-mist (also called devil-in-the-bush)
love-lies-bleeding (has spikes of crimson flowers)

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