Darkoshi

This video appeals to me on so many levels: the rocky desert scenery, the upbeat whispered German lyrics, the wiry agile black-clad and black-hatted individual, the stunning imagery, the androgynous people, the glint of a slender metal blade.


Video title: IAMX - "I Come With Knives" - (Official Video)
Posted by: IAMX Official
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nt0MkotVIEc

A few months back when I last delved deep into my fantasy world (after a long hiatus), it took a curious turn.

An idea came to me, a plot twist which would cause my protagonist great shock and agony (intense emotions; yay), and could also explain some parts of the story which didn't have good explanations yet. It was a dangerous story idea, one which threatened to sabotage the whole fantasy, so I didn't take it very seriously at the time, beyond relishing the momentary rush of agony/strong emotions.

Since then however, that latest plot twist has been lurking... possibly causing me to avoid delving into the fantasy again, because I don't know how to recover from that twist of events which leaves my protagonist bereft of ever truly having had a soulmate or significant other.

Once a strong idea manifests, it is hard to simply say, "No, no. Let's ignore that idea and pretend it never really happened in the actual story."

I suppose it's not without precedence. There have been seemingly insurmountable plot developments before. But each time, the story changes course; changes flavor; never fully returns to its previous state.

I wrote down one of my fantasies on paper some years ago. I didn't want to risk forgetting it. It seems somewhat amazing, re-reading what I wrote. It's written in ink, and there are very few places where I scratched anything out while writing it. Yet the quality seems better than some other heavily edited things I've written.

This is a snippet.

---

He does not seem amused anymore. Grim, serious, deadly. Lightning-quick maneuvers and volleys. I am being beaten. I am in pain all over. When will it end? I instinctively react to protect myself: dodge, block, counter... I cannot think any more, only react...

I begin to realize... T's unspoken message is, "How dare you disobey your Master? Your oath-sworn Master?! You are dust between my fingers! You cannot withstand me." In the moments when I am able to think or feel anything, I fear. I fear T. He could kill me right now. His anger is deadly, and he doesn't even seem to have broken a sweat. I realize what it would be like to have T as an opponent in a real all-out fight. Except that then, I would have already been dead a long time ago.

T is showering me with searing energy bolts again. I fall to the ground, crouching, trying to block. I am finished. I can hold out no longer. T comes closer and tells me to get up. I do not. My mind has retreated within me. T asks, "Do you give up?"

"Yes!" I whimper. Anything to make this stop.

"Will you obey me?" T returns. It takes me a moment to realize, to remember, the significance of the question. No, no, no, my mind replies. I won't. You can't make me. I say nothing.

---

Ah, I thought I had posted another snippet of the story before. And now I found it.

Ah! It makes me all tingly inside! Why can't I find any books to read like that?

Do you have memories that you consider "good"? Memories of times when you felt great, or happy, or when the world seemed exciting and colorful? Memories of times when the future seemed to offer further fun and excitement? How many memories like that do you have? Does thinking of those memories make you feel good now too?

.

Memories that at some point seemed good to me.

On Mallorca, walking and climbing out on the rocky lava-like outcropping towards the ocean. Hearing the ocean all around, roaring and rising and falling. With the sun shining and wind blowing. (Magic... stories... accompanying me in my mind) 2 distinct memories like that, different locations and trips, but otherwise similar. One time Forestfen was with me, the other time either Forestfen or my aunt was, I don't remember who... in both cases, they were distractions to me, pulling me away from the magical and back into the mundane. I preferred to be alone with my fantasies.

In the woods behind my apartment house in Munich, walking or running carelessly along the path, and being startled by my older brother and a group of his friends, who seemed to step out of nowhere, surrounding me in a narrowing circle. They must have been playing a game of stealth, hiding behind the trees and waiting to surprise me. It gave me a shivery/tingly feeling, as if I was being hunted/chased, as if I was a hero or on some quest, and an enemy wanted to capture me. It was creepy too; I pushed through the circle of boys and escaped. I'm not quite sure if this really happened, or if I dreamt it when I was a kid and kept the memory ever since.

The Empire Strikes Back. I *was* Luke. I had powers. Darth Vader was *evil* and wanted me to join him. There was magic and light and the depths of space.

The school trip to Egypt and Israel in the 7th grade. I kept mementos from that trip for so long, that I must have associated good/poignant memories with it. I had a mild crush on our tour-guide. He was Israeli, foreign, and had sparkling eyes. He was the leader, and I was one of the followers. He told us what to do. At one point during the trip, he noted my interest in the Hebrew alphabet and words, and he swiftly wrote a short phrase in Hebrew on a piece of paper for me. I treasured it; that was his only personal interaction with me but it felt special. Other memories from the trip were ambivalent; I remember being sad and possibly even crying while alone in a hotel room, while the other kids were socializing together. I remember one boy talking to me... I don't remember what he said, but it was something about me being sad or staying to myself and how I shouldn't do that... The mere fact that he talked to me seemed special and unusual, although I didn't know how to respond to what he said. Overall, it was a good trip. There was magic in the air; life was magic back then. Egyptian mythology and history, and ancient ruins were part of the magic.

Walking on a trail through deep woods near some mountain lake with ForestFen and Bro. I found a smooth gray stone that was vaguely shaped like an arrow-head, which became one of my treasures. Walking through forests, I was a ranger/"Indian"/(or whatever the word may be for that feeling of skillful knowledgeable self). I was in an alternate reality.

.

Memories don't seem good or special anymore, because the feeling of magic is gone. I don't remember being happy; I can only think back and wonder if I felt happy in the past or not. But I do remember feeling magic, or at least being able to imagine a magical existence, and that made things seem exciting. Life had possibilities; the stories could come true for me some day; *I* would learn magic; I would be an apprentice to a wizard, or would somehow break through to an alternate reality were magic was real, and where someone like Darth Vader would interact with me.

Or maybe I was never happy with real life; maybe I escaped into fantasy. Books and fantasies were the real, exciting world. Maybe the only particularly good experiences I felt were ones where I was superimposing a fantasy onto the real world.

But the magic is gone. It is fiction. It does not seem real or believable anymore. Even if there were a Darth Vader wanting me to join the dark side, so what? And if I did, then what? Or if I didn't, then what? WHAT? Where is the magic? Where is the purpose, where is the reason for doing anything?

.

I think the interactions with Wododu, and that one other dom, and Qiao early on, were good because I was fantasizing then too. But I was doing it with a *real* person, and they were *interacting* with me, and I started hoping that real life could actually possibly be amazing like a fantasy could, or even better! Except it wasn't real. It was just in my head. Thinking back on those experiences makes me awfully sad now, if I let it. Awfully sad from the disappointment, or not bothering to feel any emotion over it.

I tried out the Zestra.

The only effect it seemed to have on me was to produce a warming/heat sensation in the genitals. It did not arouse me mentally, or make me feel significantly different physically, or make it easier to orgasm (somewhat hard to gauge, since the preparations for doing this put me into a state where I orgasmed fairly quickly anyway). It did not make my orgasms feel any stronger or better than usual. It did not cause insertion of a dildo* into my vagina to feel any better than usual.

(* - how quaint; LiveJournal's spell-checker doesn't recognize "dildo" as a real word. And for that matter, it doesn't recognize "LiveJournal" either.)

Despite the website saying that Zestra is not flavored and not the best-tasting choice for oral sex, it did have a good scent and did not taste bad... it is simply an unflavored oil with hardly any taste at all. It did make my tongue tingle a little bit. I put some on my lips too, but it did not produce any sensation there.

I haven't tried any other heat-sensation producing products like the ones containing capsicum, so I can't give a comparison of this to those.

.

I wish I knew what it feels like to experience a whole-body orgasm with the "fireworks" and contracting muscles bit. I wonder if I will ever experience that. It seems doubtful, since my body has never done that so far.

I think I'd probably gain more pleasure from having a good in-depth mental fantasy again like the ones I used to have, over any physical orgasm, no matter how strong. I wonder whether I will ever have any fantasies like those again.

It seems like I've heard that many females never experience orgasms, but I haven't heard as much about females who experience only "weak" orgasms like mine. I wonder how common or uncommon it is to only have the physical sensations which I have. And I wonder if males experience orgasms along a continuum from weak to strong too; in other words if some guys only experience weak orgasms (or none at all), while some guys only experience strong ones.

I've decided that the label "submissive" really doesn't fit me well. Rather, I'm a bottom with some submissive tendencies who enjoys psychological D/s play. Not as easy to say, but... better descriptive.

I don't want D/s to be the basis or crux of a relationship. I want friendship, partnership, companionship, and affection to be the basis. But I like D/s as play, as something fun, something which affects me strongly and makes me feel good. I believe I even need it, to enjoy a relationship. When I say "play", I don't mean it can't be serious, and significant, and even painful at times. But I don't see myself as being constantly submissive. As part of the play, I might even want to act rebellious sometimes. But sometimes, I might not want to play at all.

I don't want someone who will treat me like a sub all the time, but I do want someone who might treat me like a sub at any time.

.

I want to be loved for who I am.

When I close my eyes at night, I want to feel sheltered by someone's concern and affection for me.

When I wake, I want to feel that the care & concern & affection is real and tangible, not just something I pretended/invented in order to fall comfortably asleep.

I want to love someone for who they are, not just for the affection they show me.

I want someone who can inspire that wonderfully euphoric feeling in me that has something to do with D/s.

I want someone with whom I can feel comforted by their physical touch and presence at least as often as I resort to comforting myself by thinking about it when I am alone.

In other words, I want to spend more time with my partner, than I spend yearning to be with them. But I guess there would need to be some times of yearning, in order for me to recognize how much they mean to me.

.

I was trying to think of the word to describe a particular relationship, like between my master/soulmate and me in one of my fantasies. The kind of relationship where the one has power over the other... in the fantasy, it was absolute power - life & death; power to read my thoughts and emotions; etc. In real life, I guess it could be a lesser power... But where, like in the fantasy, the other person can look at me (straight through me) in a way that makes my insides drop... makes me lose balance, feeling that power of theirs over me. A wonderful feeling of belonging, of fear, of excitement, of acknowledging their power over me.

I can't think of the word for describing that particular kind of relationship.
Disciple, no. Minion, no. Dominant/submissive, not necessarily. Master/slave, no.
Master/something... maybe. Master/pupil, not necessarily.

When I was young, I used to envision master/apprentice relationships as that kind of relationship. I had read books about apprentices where the master even had the power to have the apprentice put to death, if they were displeased enough with them. And then there was Star Wars, where Darth Vader was the Emperor's apprentice... oh, that was so cool.
But nowadays, the term apprentice just means to me someone who is being taught things. It doesn't so much imply the master having power over the student.

And for the relationship I'm trying to think of the word for, the "master" wouldn't necessarily even have to be teaching the other person anything. It wouldn't even need to be a consensual power-exchange relationship, just one where the one person has some kind of significant power over the other. Such as a captor and captive. It seems like there should be some word for that. Maybe it will come to me.

Is this story at all interesting to anyone else? It was something inside my head which I had written down a few years ago. But in reading it, it does seem to have an interesting quality, an interesting cadence, to it. Which perhaps might also appeal to others, or perhaps not.

( initial snippet of story )

eh. Well. I'm sure it's a lot better within my head, than in anyone else's.

my god/dess is the trickster
life is a cosmic joke
(a bad one!, you!)

and one of my other names is bellatrix

was doing a google search today and the page summaries on this first page of results was just weird.
like something mischievous got into google's cache and jumbled it all up.

there's someone at work whom i see every not so often
(ze doesn't work in my area)
ze intrigues me... dresses like a guy but seems certainly to be female bodied.
i wonder what zir gender identity is...
could it be an ftm person?
or even someone somewhat androgyne like me?
today i saw zir pass by outside the room i was in,
and ze's hair was cut short, nearly bald!
(wow! like i've had mine a few times...)
i wonder if ze ever sees me and wonders?

even though i sometimes wear "male" clothing,
somehow i don't feel it gives such a distinctive "male" impression...
but perhaps that's just my viewpoint?

isn't that just like me,
to notice someone from a distance and wonder about them,
with no inclination to approach or speak to them...
what could i say,
"you intrigue me. do you mind telling me what your gender identity is?"
whew. what a mouthful.

hmmm. i like the newfound te/tai/ta pronouns
but my previous preference ze/zir seems more widespread.
so which shall i use?
te wouldn't be so good for that story of mine,
considering the main character's name is Tee...

i've managed recently to have a fantasy
where the characters, androgynes, had breasts.
the genitals were still retractable though...
a sassy character, sort of like a multi-talented drag queen...

age...
i'm usually a younger partner in these fantasies.
inexperienced. naive. that's how i feel in real life.
even if i'm this old in the fantasy,
my partners are at least a little older.
imagining a sexual encounter with someone younger than me is odd.
it's hard to imagine someone younger as having those qualities...
experience, confidence, empathy...
even though i'm sure most real people, including people younger than me,
are much more experienced and confident than i am.
maybe it's just hard imagine someone younger being interested in someone older...
erk. although that's what it is in my case, isn't it!
okay, maybe it's just hard to imagine a younger dominant-type person
being interested in an older sub-type person...

if i'm someday 80 years old, (ugh)
will i still feel young and naive?
do we always feel this way?

::whisper::
no, no... i'm not a self-absorbed psycho...
i'm just a... self-absorbed psycho...
oh, oh...
at least i'm not drowning others in my pit of self-absorption.
right?