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quite some carvings
Sunday, December 16th, 2018 01:52 pmEven more amusing than the clips I've seen about phallic imagery in Bhutan...
South Korea has a family-oriented "Penis Park":
https://adayinmylife.livejournal.com/2483806.html
South Korea has a family-oriented "Penis Park":
https://adayinmylife.livejournal.com/2483806.html
At work, a corporate diversity email was sent out in honor of LGBT Pride month. I thought the sentiment was nice. It was similar to other ones we've gotten for African-American History month, and Hispanic-American pride, etc.
I heard a co-worker a few cubes away, however, joking/scoffing at the email. Saying she sometimes wished she could unsubscribe from all these corporate emails. "When are we going to get a heterosexual pride month?" Something dismissive of transsexual people. And then something like "I don't think we have anyone (LGBT) on this floor, do we?" (simply in a curious questioning tone).
The way she said all this didn't sound hateful to me; I could believe she doesn't really have anything against gay people. (And she probably has no experience with real trans people.) But it also sounded like she doesn't get it.
I started thinking that I could tell her that if she wanted to celebrate pride in her heterosexuality, that's fine. But the reason why LGBT people need Pride marches and such, is to counter-balance the shame, fear, and stigma they've grown up with.
Personally, my gender-neutral trans-ness and asexuality is mostly invisible to others, and I haven't encountered any such stigma myself. It's not something I feel a need to have pride in, nor is it something that I've ever felt bad or ashamed of.
But for gay and trans people who haven't been so lucky and who have faced hatred, bullying, and mocking during their lives, who've felt the need to hide their identity from others, the *pride* is necessary simply to offset that weight of negativity that they've encountered. It's necessary, simply to be able to feel good about themselves. And it's a way to share camaraderie with others.
It's not the same thing to be told, "you're gay and that's ok now, but don't flaunt it". Because not flaunting it can be interpreted as needing to hide it, as any expression of gayness can be interpreted as a flaunting thereof.
Anyway. I wasn't really planning to tell her all that; it simply crossed my mind. Then I thought, she's just reacting to an experience she's not used to; she'll get over it. Someday she'll get used to these kind of things, and that's part of the point of them.
Then I had the idea to send her an email telling her that yes there's someone LGBT on the floor, that I'm trans though probably not in any way she is familiar with. At that thought, my pulse started racing, and I could hear and feel the blood whooshing in my head*. I quickly decided that I couldn't compose any well written email in such a mental state. So I went out to lunch instead.
*Similar to what it used to do in school/college, whenever I seriously considered raising my hand to ask the teacher a question, or to comment on something. That's a big reason why I didn't do that very often; it was so very nerve-wracking.
I do however often feel that I'm not trans enough to call myself trans to others. That they'd say I'm not really trans. They'd deny my identity. (Or laugh and start thinking of me as weird.) They can't even conceive of it. So why even tell anyone?
I heard a co-worker a few cubes away, however, joking/scoffing at the email. Saying she sometimes wished she could unsubscribe from all these corporate emails. "When are we going to get a heterosexual pride month?" Something dismissive of transsexual people. And then something like "I don't think we have anyone (LGBT) on this floor, do we?" (simply in a curious questioning tone).
The way she said all this didn't sound hateful to me; I could believe she doesn't really have anything against gay people. (And she probably has no experience with real trans people.) But it also sounded like she doesn't get it.
I started thinking that I could tell her that if she wanted to celebrate pride in her heterosexuality, that's fine. But the reason why LGBT people need Pride marches and such, is to counter-balance the shame, fear, and stigma they've grown up with.
Personally, my gender-neutral trans-ness and asexuality is mostly invisible to others, and I haven't encountered any such stigma myself. It's not something I feel a need to have pride in, nor is it something that I've ever felt bad or ashamed of.
But for gay and trans people who haven't been so lucky and who have faced hatred, bullying, and mocking during their lives, who've felt the need to hide their identity from others, the *pride* is necessary simply to offset that weight of negativity that they've encountered. It's necessary, simply to be able to feel good about themselves. And it's a way to share camaraderie with others.
It's not the same thing to be told, "you're gay and that's ok now, but don't flaunt it". Because not flaunting it can be interpreted as needing to hide it, as any expression of gayness can be interpreted as a flaunting thereof.
Anyway. I wasn't really planning to tell her all that; it simply crossed my mind. Then I thought, she's just reacting to an experience she's not used to; she'll get over it. Someday she'll get used to these kind of things, and that's part of the point of them.
Then I had the idea to send her an email telling her that yes there's someone LGBT on the floor, that I'm trans though probably not in any way she is familiar with. At that thought, my pulse started racing, and I could hear and feel the blood whooshing in my head*. I quickly decided that I couldn't compose any well written email in such a mental state. So I went out to lunch instead.
*Similar to what it used to do in school/college, whenever I seriously considered raising my hand to ask the teacher a question, or to comment on something. That's a big reason why I didn't do that very often; it was so very nerve-wracking.
I do however often feel that I'm not trans enough to call myself trans to others. That they'd say I'm not really trans. They'd deny my identity. (Or laugh and start thinking of me as weird.) They can't even conceive of it. So why even tell anyone?
fascination and attraction
Sunday, January 27th, 2013 01:54 amCertain FTM and genderqueer people on YouTube seem so cute and (dare I say it?) sexy to me. There's something about their voice and the way they speak, the way they look, the way they smile, or how their eyes seem to light up sometimes, that fascinates me. I probably would be able to imagine characters based on them in some of my fantasies, though I'm not wont to do so with real people. Is that how it is for sexual people, when they are sexually attracted to someone?
Then again, for me to actually want to be in an even remotely sexual situation with someone would require specific actions on their part, rather than simply how the person looks or how they speak.
Then again, for me to actually want to be in an even remotely sexual situation with someone would require specific actions on their part, rather than simply how the person looks or how they speak.
storytime!
Saturday, January 26th, 2013 10:55 pmHere is a little BDSM story I wrote, titled "The Question".
(It's not at all long, truly! But it might be slightly NSFW.)
(It's not at all long, truly! But it might be slightly NSFW.)
the god thing and superficiality
Sunday, June 17th, 2012 12:31 pmThere's a TV in Qiao's room at the rehab center; it always seems to be on and tuned in to some news channel. The room has 2 beds, each with a hand-held speaker gadget that can be turned on and off, for listening to the TV sound. Qiao's is usually off, but the other patient's speaker is loud enough to be heard in the whole room.
The channel seems like Fox News to me; it sounds more like a conservative talk show than actual news. Qiao said it was CNN.
One segment discussed a recent survey which indicates that more young people today are "doubting the existence of God". This was presented as if it were a bad thing. Two atheist college students were on as guests, and they were asked the question, "How can you not believe in God?" (or something similar to that).
The phrasing bothered me. It seemed to exude a presumption that it is normal to believe in a god. It seemed like they were saying, "You're weird and illogical; explain to us normal people why you're so weird".
Apparently, most people do believe in one or more gods. Even many people who don't, still believe in (and/or feel) some other kind of spirituality. So I think that something must predispose most humans for that. However, likewise, I think there must be something that predisposes or causes other humans (like me) not to believe.
It's no easier for people like me to explain why we don't believe, than it is for believers to explain why they do. Or rather, we can both try to explain it, but we can't make the other person really understand.
My thoughts were going along those lines, and I said, "They should ask how anyone *can* believe in god." Ie., the one question is just as valid (and useless) as the other.
Qiao replied that he believes, and that he thinks he is still alive because of God.
I know that he believes, and that he's Christian... he's taken comfort in being visited by the priest of his church, and in praying together.
However, I usually don't pay much attention to that fact. I'm completely aware of it, but it's also in the background of my mind rather than the forefront. I tend to ignore it. The same way I do his conservative politics, and the fact that he enjoys listening to those kind of talk shows. And sort of like how I ignore that we aren't very sexually compatible.
Qiao's words brought it back to the forefront of my mind for a bit. It's a downer; that is why I usually ignore it.
It made me think about how superficial our relationship is. When I visit him in the hospital, we hold hands. It's a very comforting feeling. I'm comfortable with him. He makes me feel good. He's my "sweetheart", as one of my co-workers phrased it.
We live together, we eat dinner together, we watch some TV shows together, we sleep in the same bed together, we show each other good internet videos that we've found...
But when I really think about it, it is all rather superficial, in the same way that life itself seems superficial to me. It's just something than I'm going through / living through... there's no deep meaning in any of it.
If he were agnostic, and if his political leanings were more like mine... That might make us seem better matched, but I don't think it would make the relationship seem any "deeper".
If his sexuality were more like mine... if there were an ongoing spark between us, rather than there only having been the occasional sparks I felt in the beginning... I'm not sure how that would affect my feeling of the "deepness" of the relationship.
If I felt an ongoing spark with someone, I suspect that might make me start believing in something, though I know not what. If I believed in something, then maybe the relationship wouldn't seem superficial.
The channel seems like Fox News to me; it sounds more like a conservative talk show than actual news. Qiao said it was CNN.
One segment discussed a recent survey which indicates that more young people today are "doubting the existence of God". This was presented as if it were a bad thing. Two atheist college students were on as guests, and they were asked the question, "How can you not believe in God?" (or something similar to that).
The phrasing bothered me. It seemed to exude a presumption that it is normal to believe in a god. It seemed like they were saying, "You're weird and illogical; explain to us normal people why you're so weird".
Apparently, most people do believe in one or more gods. Even many people who don't, still believe in (and/or feel) some other kind of spirituality. So I think that something must predispose most humans for that. However, likewise, I think there must be something that predisposes or causes other humans (like me) not to believe.
It's no easier for people like me to explain why we don't believe, than it is for believers to explain why they do. Or rather, we can both try to explain it, but we can't make the other person really understand.
My thoughts were going along those lines, and I said, "They should ask how anyone *can* believe in god." Ie., the one question is just as valid (and useless) as the other.
Qiao replied that he believes, and that he thinks he is still alive because of God.
I know that he believes, and that he's Christian... he's taken comfort in being visited by the priest of his church, and in praying together.
However, I usually don't pay much attention to that fact. I'm completely aware of it, but it's also in the background of my mind rather than the forefront. I tend to ignore it. The same way I do his conservative politics, and the fact that he enjoys listening to those kind of talk shows. And sort of like how I ignore that we aren't very sexually compatible.
Qiao's words brought it back to the forefront of my mind for a bit. It's a downer; that is why I usually ignore it.
It made me think about how superficial our relationship is. When I visit him in the hospital, we hold hands. It's a very comforting feeling. I'm comfortable with him. He makes me feel good. He's my "sweetheart", as one of my co-workers phrased it.
We live together, we eat dinner together, we watch some TV shows together, we sleep in the same bed together, we show each other good internet videos that we've found...
But when I really think about it, it is all rather superficial, in the same way that life itself seems superficial to me. It's just something than I'm going through / living through... there's no deep meaning in any of it.
If he were agnostic, and if his political leanings were more like mine... That might make us seem better matched, but I don't think it would make the relationship seem any "deeper".
If his sexuality were more like mine... if there were an ongoing spark between us, rather than there only having been the occasional sparks I felt in the beginning... I'm not sure how that would affect my feeling of the "deepness" of the relationship.
If I felt an ongoing spark with someone, I suspect that might make me start believing in something, though I know not what. If I believed in something, then maybe the relationship wouldn't seem superficial.
video with kink imagery
Saturday, January 22nd, 2011 01:15 pmUncensored version of 30 Seconds to Mars' music video "Hurricane".
It has a lot of S/M scenes. Don't wait for any of it to start making sense; it won't. As it says at the beginning, "This is a dream". The video as a whole doesn't appeal to me, but the imagery is well done and some parts are quite pretty.
In terms of my kink and sexuality, none of the scenes in the video are a turn-on for me. The scantily clad, bound, passive or sexually engaged females in the video are all a big turn-off for me. Of the remaining females, I find the winged/feather type person very artistically/aesthetically intriguing/pleasing, and the 2 twins somewhat so. The blond male is cute (I'd like to have a body like his) and has nice pants. Naturally (sarcasm intended), the males in the video are depicted doing active things like jumping out of windows and fighting each other for no apparent reason. The only purpose of the single female with non-sexual action scenes seems to be to deceive and trick one of the guys.
It seems a natural reaction for me to even more strongly dis-identify with being female, when exposed to this kind of stuff. I wonder if it affects cis-gendered females in the same way or not.
It has a lot of S/M scenes. Don't wait for any of it to start making sense; it won't. As it says at the beginning, "This is a dream". The video as a whole doesn't appeal to me, but the imagery is well done and some parts are quite pretty.
In terms of my kink and sexuality, none of the scenes in the video are a turn-on for me. The scantily clad, bound, passive or sexually engaged females in the video are all a big turn-off for me. Of the remaining females, I find the winged/feather type person very artistically/aesthetically intriguing/pleasing, and the 2 twins somewhat so. The blond male is cute (I'd like to have a body like his) and has nice pants. Naturally (sarcasm intended), the males in the video are depicted doing active things like jumping out of windows and fighting each other for no apparent reason. The only purpose of the single female with non-sexual action scenes seems to be to deceive and trick one of the guys.
It seems a natural reaction for me to even more strongly dis-identify with being female, when exposed to this kind of stuff. I wonder if it affects cis-gendered females in the same way or not.
(no subject)
Sunday, May 9th, 2010 04:26 amRow your boat gently...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tROJlbLCeT4&feature=player_embedded
Deep Thoughts, part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emj7px8mQbw
Deep Thoughts, part 2
..in which I discuss serious issues for me, speak softly, display some anger, speak a bit more loudly, and rock back and forth a lot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iV_X13caEk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tROJlbLCeT4&feature=player_embedded
Deep Thoughts, part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emj7px8mQbw
Deep Thoughts, part 2
..in which I discuss serious issues for me, speak softly, display some anger, speak a bit more loudly, and rock back and forth a lot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iV_X13caEk
sexuality. pronouns.
Saturday, March 13th, 2010 03:08 pmI don't understand main-stream sexuality, except from an outsider's perspective. I only understand it based on the media I've been exposed to, not because it makes sense to me. I don't understand why female breasts are considered sexual, but men's chests aren't. I don't understand why breasts with nipples visible are considered nude and sexual, while breasts with pasties or tassles covering the nipples aren't. I don't understand why people like sucking on nipples or penises. I don't understand why TV show characters tongue-kiss* each other so much and so often; I don't understand why people are supposedly drawn to that activity. I don't understand why having sex is supposed to be part of a relationship, and why not having sex is supposed to indicate a lack of a relationship. I'm sure it makes intrinsic sense to most other people, but it doesn't to me; it's all hear-say to me.
While thinking about pasties and tassles, the thought occurred to me, what if I guy were naked except for a pasty/tassle on the end of his penis? Would the pasty/tassle render him non-nude? heheheh....
.
There seem to be a fair number of butch lesbians and butch-presenting females who are deeply offended by being referred to with male pronouns... they expect to be perceived as physically female based on the gender cues of their body, in spite of their clothing and presentation, and they interpret a male pronoun as an insult. They expect everyone to know that a masculine-presenting female still expects to be referred to with female pronouns, and that the only reason for someone to use male pronouns for them would be purposeful spite.
There are also a lot of transgendered people who are deeply offended by being referred to with a pronoun which doesn't match their clothing and presentation. They expect to be perceived and treated as the gender which matches their presentation, regardless of the gender cues of their body. They may interpret being referred to with the other pronoun as purposeful spite. They expect everyone to know that a person expects to be referred to with the pronoun which matches their gender presentation.
I think there's more emotional pain involved for transgendered people when they are referred to by their non-preferred pronoun, as that indicates that they have failed to pass as their preferred gender, and that their internal identity and self have not even been recognized. Whereas for butch females, it's more a perception of their identity and self having been recognized and belittled.
I don't think there's going to be a solution to the dichotomy of pronoun expectations any time soon.
.
* edited to replace "snog" with "tongue-kiss"... To me, a "kiss" is a simple peck on the cheeks or lips, whereas "snog" sounds like faces being shoved together; noses being squished hoggish-like; mouths open and tongues shoving. But the dictionary definition of snog is "kissing and cuddling", so maybe it isn't the right word after all. But "french kiss" sounds rather outdated and childish, and "tongue-kiss" doesn't seem much more descriptive... it sounds like 2 tongues pecking each other lightly... Oh, well, whatever.
While thinking about pasties and tassles, the thought occurred to me, what if I guy were naked except for a pasty/tassle on the end of his penis? Would the pasty/tassle render him non-nude? heheheh....
.
There seem to be a fair number of butch lesbians and butch-presenting females who are deeply offended by being referred to with male pronouns... they expect to be perceived as physically female based on the gender cues of their body, in spite of their clothing and presentation, and they interpret a male pronoun as an insult. They expect everyone to know that a masculine-presenting female still expects to be referred to with female pronouns, and that the only reason for someone to use male pronouns for them would be purposeful spite.
There are also a lot of transgendered people who are deeply offended by being referred to with a pronoun which doesn't match their clothing and presentation. They expect to be perceived and treated as the gender which matches their presentation, regardless of the gender cues of their body. They may interpret being referred to with the other pronoun as purposeful spite. They expect everyone to know that a person expects to be referred to with the pronoun which matches their gender presentation.
I think there's more emotional pain involved for transgendered people when they are referred to by their non-preferred pronoun, as that indicates that they have failed to pass as their preferred gender, and that their internal identity and self have not even been recognized. Whereas for butch females, it's more a perception of their identity and self having been recognized and belittled.
I don't think there's going to be a solution to the dichotomy of pronoun expectations any time soon.
.
* edited to replace "snog" with "tongue-kiss"... To me, a "kiss" is a simple peck on the cheeks or lips, whereas "snog" sounds like faces being shoved together; noses being squished hoggish-like; mouths open and tongues shoving. But the dictionary definition of snog is "kissing and cuddling", so maybe it isn't the right word after all. But "french kiss" sounds rather outdated and childish, and "tongue-kiss" doesn't seem much more descriptive... it sounds like 2 tongues pecking each other lightly... Oh, well, whatever.
(no subject)
Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 06:23 pmI'm now almost halfway thru the Atlas Shrugged book. I still like and dislike the same aspects about it as in the beginning.
I don't understand why, when people get upset about their partners having an affair, it is only or mainly over the aspect of the partner having sex with someone else. The partner can talk to someone else, correspond with them, spend time with them, do non-sexual things together with them, have fun with them, but it's only when there is something sexual involved, that it is considered a big deal or a major problem. Why is it considered such a big deal? If the partner falls in love with someone else, without having sex with them, why is it not considered as significant? Or is it not possible for most people to fall in love without having sex, or without desiring to have sex with the other person?
Parts of the book contrast what sex is like for Hank Reardon with his wife as compared to with his lover. His wife disdains sex, puts up with it as her "duty" to her husband, but tries to keep him from getting pleasure out of it. Whereas his lover enjoys sex, views it in a positive light, and makes it feel wonderful for him. The book describes how wrong the first way is, and how right the other way is. But I feel like I'm more similar to the wife, when it comes to sex, than the lover. I don't have a sex drive, and I don't particularly like sex... The vision of me being a lukewarm, disinterested, dispassionate body in bed doesn't strike me as too far from the truth... so, while I don't try to keep the other person from enjoying sex like the wife, I still feel that I resemble her more than the lover. So why would anyone sexual, especially someone who thinks so highly of that book, want to put up with me? Why does Q? Is it because he doesn't see me the way I see myself? Does he see his own image of me instead? Will that image slowly fade away over time? Does he think I've just repressed any sexual desires I may have as being a bad thing, like the wife did, as opposed to not having them? Does he think I will eventually become un-repressed?
.
And why do some of my chigger bumps still itch, and why are some of them getting bigger again even though they were going away before? Does scratching them make them get big again?
I don't understand why, when people get upset about their partners having an affair, it is only or mainly over the aspect of the partner having sex with someone else. The partner can talk to someone else, correspond with them, spend time with them, do non-sexual things together with them, have fun with them, but it's only when there is something sexual involved, that it is considered a big deal or a major problem. Why is it considered such a big deal? If the partner falls in love with someone else, without having sex with them, why is it not considered as significant? Or is it not possible for most people to fall in love without having sex, or without desiring to have sex with the other person?
Parts of the book contrast what sex is like for Hank Reardon with his wife as compared to with his lover. His wife disdains sex, puts up with it as her "duty" to her husband, but tries to keep him from getting pleasure out of it. Whereas his lover enjoys sex, views it in a positive light, and makes it feel wonderful for him. The book describes how wrong the first way is, and how right the other way is. But I feel like I'm more similar to the wife, when it comes to sex, than the lover. I don't have a sex drive, and I don't particularly like sex... The vision of me being a lukewarm, disinterested, dispassionate body in bed doesn't strike me as too far from the truth... so, while I don't try to keep the other person from enjoying sex like the wife, I still feel that I resemble her more than the lover. So why would anyone sexual, especially someone who thinks so highly of that book, want to put up with me? Why does Q? Is it because he doesn't see me the way I see myself? Does he see his own image of me instead? Will that image slowly fade away over time? Does he think I've just repressed any sexual desires I may have as being a bad thing, like the wife did, as opposed to not having them? Does he think I will eventually become un-repressed?
.
And why do some of my chigger bumps still itch, and why are some of them getting bigger again even though they were going away before? Does scratching them make them get big again?
(no subject)
Saturday, May 23rd, 2009 08:30 pmI don't know yet how to go about either getting top surgery or getting on antidepressants. The latter seems simpler - look up psychologists in my health insurance directory, and choose one. The former involves more research and deciding if I really want to go ahead with it, and finding out if I can even get it done. But I wonder if I get on antidepressants, if that could make it harder to get top surgery. Maybe a doctor would think that me being on psych meds was a sign of mental instability. It's probably hard enough convincing a doctor that I want my breasts removed even though I don't plan on presenting as male.
I just noticed that Bro and Pard chipped the inside finish on one of my enamel pots. It shouldn't bother me; it's just a pot. Friends and family are more important than pots, right? It seems like I should appreciate having them here more than I do; it seems like I should enjoy their company and their presence, and not just always be finding fault with things.
I read this post earlier. At first, I thought, "Aw, that's sweet, someone in love". But then I got to thinking, that I've never really felt that way about anyone - being in love and missing the other person's physical presence. I even find it hard to imagine. The closest thing I can think of is when I had my first crush (as well as the 2nd), and I missed being able to communicate/interact with that person when he wasn't online and when he did not respond to my emails in a timely manner. I suppose that if we had been having a lot of physical interactions that were as exciting as the online interactions, that then I might have also missed his physical presence.
I missed Q's online presence too, at times, in the beginning. Now we don't interact online anymore... I still miss that somewhat, when I think about it. There's something I get, when chatting online with someone, that I don't get in their physical presence. I suppose that must seem odd to other people. Or maybe it's just the sexual tension that used to be there, which isn't anymore. Maybe that is what I miss, and even if we chatted online now, it would not be the same as it was back then.
I don't miss Q on the days he's not here... I know he's coming back in a day or two, so what is there to miss? I only get sad and think about missing him, when I think about us breaking up. Because then he wouldn't be back, ever.
I get to feeling sorry for myself when I think about such things. Poor me, I don't like anyone enough to miss them. Poor me, there's no sexual tension in my life. Poor me, I've lost the capability to feel sexual tension. Poor ole me.
I had a sexual dream last night. It involved rubber sandals. Q was in a part of it. It wasn't a particularly memorable or special dream, but I was feeling subby in it. And oddly, it also included a woman from work whom I'm not in the least attracted to when I'm awake. In the dream, she was acting domly towards me.
This whole BDSM thing is an unresolved issue with me. I feel bitter and disappointed when I think about BDSM. I can't have sexual tension without D/s. But I don't want to submit to anyone. Because when I do, nothing good comes of it.
Poor ole me. Blah, blah, blah.
I just noticed that Bro and Pard chipped the inside finish on one of my enamel pots. It shouldn't bother me; it's just a pot. Friends and family are more important than pots, right? It seems like I should appreciate having them here more than I do; it seems like I should enjoy their company and their presence, and not just always be finding fault with things.
I read this post earlier. At first, I thought, "Aw, that's sweet, someone in love". But then I got to thinking, that I've never really felt that way about anyone - being in love and missing the other person's physical presence. I even find it hard to imagine. The closest thing I can think of is when I had my first crush (as well as the 2nd), and I missed being able to communicate/interact with that person when he wasn't online and when he did not respond to my emails in a timely manner. I suppose that if we had been having a lot of physical interactions that were as exciting as the online interactions, that then I might have also missed his physical presence.
I missed Q's online presence too, at times, in the beginning. Now we don't interact online anymore... I still miss that somewhat, when I think about it. There's something I get, when chatting online with someone, that I don't get in their physical presence. I suppose that must seem odd to other people. Or maybe it's just the sexual tension that used to be there, which isn't anymore. Maybe that is what I miss, and even if we chatted online now, it would not be the same as it was back then.
I don't miss Q on the days he's not here... I know he's coming back in a day or two, so what is there to miss? I only get sad and think about missing him, when I think about us breaking up. Because then he wouldn't be back, ever.
I get to feeling sorry for myself when I think about such things. Poor me, I don't like anyone enough to miss them. Poor me, there's no sexual tension in my life. Poor me, I've lost the capability to feel sexual tension. Poor ole me.
I had a sexual dream last night. It involved rubber sandals. Q was in a part of it. It wasn't a particularly memorable or special dream, but I was feeling subby in it. And oddly, it also included a woman from work whom I'm not in the least attracted to when I'm awake. In the dream, she was acting domly towards me.
This whole BDSM thing is an unresolved issue with me. I feel bitter and disappointed when I think about BDSM. I can't have sexual tension without D/s. But I don't want to submit to anyone. Because when I do, nothing good comes of it.
Poor ole me. Blah, blah, blah.
attraction
Wednesday, March 25th, 2009 07:19 pmDoes the term "sexual attraction" necessarily indicate a desire to engage in sexual activities with the object of one's attraction? I mean, ignoring any logical reasons not to do so (eg., already being in a relationship with someone else, or not wanting to get pregnant or impregnate someone else, or not wanting to have sex with someone until you know them better, etc.). Given that there were no logical reasons not to, does it indicate a desire to engage in sexual activities? (Where sexual activities are defined as contact between the other person's body and your groin area, or vice versa.)
I've been calling it sexual attraction, that rare, special feeling I sometimes get in response to someone else or in response to reading something, even though it is not a desire to engage in sexual activities. So, perhaps using that term is misleading, and I should not call it that.
I also call things erotic for me, even though they do not result in me desiring to engage in sexual activities. Is that also a misleading term to use?
The kind of reaction I get seems sexual or erotic to me, because it has, at least once, involved sexual nerves in my groin area and/or having certain parts down there swell. On one occasion, I felt butterflies in my stomach. Generally though, it is a buzzing/tingling/inner vibration kind of feeling throughout my core, along with a mental feeling of intense contentment and/or glee.
It'd be like having my strings strummed, if I had strings.
Is it more apt to call these kinds of reactions "romantic attraction"? Some asexuals say they feel romantic attraction towards other people. But I don't have a good idea of what "romantic attraction" means either, other than in this case, liking someone without necessarily wanting to have sex with them. It is even less clear to me than what "sexual attraction" is. In my mind, the word "romance" conjures images of candle-light dinners and people drinking wine and wearing silky clothing, and things like that. That doesn't seem related to attraction. So is there any kind of special mental/physical reaction to feeling romantic attraction to someone? Or is it not much different than just finding someone fun to be around?
I've been calling it sexual attraction, that rare, special feeling I sometimes get in response to someone else or in response to reading something, even though it is not a desire to engage in sexual activities. So, perhaps using that term is misleading, and I should not call it that.
I also call things erotic for me, even though they do not result in me desiring to engage in sexual activities. Is that also a misleading term to use?
The kind of reaction I get seems sexual or erotic to me, because it has, at least once, involved sexual nerves in my groin area and/or having certain parts down there swell. On one occasion, I felt butterflies in my stomach. Generally though, it is a buzzing/tingling/inner vibration kind of feeling throughout my core, along with a mental feeling of intense contentment and/or glee.
It'd be like having my strings strummed, if I had strings.
Is it more apt to call these kinds of reactions "romantic attraction"? Some asexuals say they feel romantic attraction towards other people. But I don't have a good idea of what "romantic attraction" means either, other than in this case, liking someone without necessarily wanting to have sex with them. It is even less clear to me than what "sexual attraction" is. In my mind, the word "romance" conjures images of candle-light dinners and people drinking wine and wearing silky clothing, and things like that. That doesn't seem related to attraction. So is there any kind of special mental/physical reaction to feeling romantic attraction to someone? Or is it not much different than just finding someone fun to be around?
I am asexual.
Friday, May 2nd, 2008 09:31 pmI am asexual. That's something I used to know, but which I came to be unsure of for the last several years. But it is true. Asexuality can take different forms, but I just read a definition again which fits me quite well: I do not have a need for sex.
I do not have a sex drive. I have no desire for sex. I have been fine without it, and would be fine without ever having it again. All else equal, I would probably prefer to not ever have sex again. I do on a rare occasion experience sexual arousal, which feels great, but even that does not make me "need" or desire sex. I feel horny more often than I feel arousal, and I masturbate when I feel horny. I get more physical satisfaction from masturbation than from sex - I get little physical pleasure from sex itself. I have to be in a certain head-space in order for someone else touching me to even feel erotic, and that head-space is not easy to come by.
I do not experience sexual attraction in the common sense. When I do, on rare occasions, feel what might be considered sexual attraction, or a sexual response to someone, it is not based on their appearance so much as on their attitude and mannerisms in how they interact with me. When I do feel such an attraction, it is a good feeling, but not something that makes me want to have sex with the person.
I like hugging and cuddling and physical touch, but sex itself is messy, time-consuming, rather boring, and only enjoyable insofar as I feel good that the other person feels good. In the beginning, it was somewhat erotic and enjoyable because I was able to get into a certain head-space with it, but that has faded. Even if I were able to get my head-space back, it would be more enjoyable for me without the sex. Not that I wouldn't want any physicality - I would - but I just don't desire the physical act of sex.
I do not have a sex drive. I have no desire for sex. I have been fine without it, and would be fine without ever having it again. All else equal, I would probably prefer to not ever have sex again. I do on a rare occasion experience sexual arousal, which feels great, but even that does not make me "need" or desire sex. I feel horny more often than I feel arousal, and I masturbate when I feel horny. I get more physical satisfaction from masturbation than from sex - I get little physical pleasure from sex itself. I have to be in a certain head-space in order for someone else touching me to even feel erotic, and that head-space is not easy to come by.
I do not experience sexual attraction in the common sense. When I do, on rare occasions, feel what might be considered sexual attraction, or a sexual response to someone, it is not based on their appearance so much as on their attitude and mannerisms in how they interact with me. When I do feel such an attraction, it is a good feeling, but not something that makes me want to have sex with the person.
I like hugging and cuddling and physical touch, but sex itself is messy, time-consuming, rather boring, and only enjoyable insofar as I feel good that the other person feels good. In the beginning, it was somewhat erotic and enjoyable because I was able to get into a certain head-space with it, but that has faded. Even if I were able to get my head-space back, it would be more enjoyable for me without the sex. Not that I wouldn't want any physicality - I would - but I just don't desire the physical act of sex.
questions (a poll, perhaps?)
Monday, August 13th, 2007 07:33 pmHow often do you feel sexual attraction to someone? (Or, if not to someone, to something?)
If it occurs often, does it vary in intensity, and if so, how often do you feel a strong sexual attraction?
How does the attraction make you feel mentally & emotionally? Does it put you in a good mood? Does it make you feel excited?
Do you think your life would feel significantly different, if you did not feel sexual attraction to anyone or anything?
Do you ever refer to yourself as "we" or "us" when talking or thinking to yourself (eg. "Let's go to the bathroom now") even though you don't in general consider yourself to be more than one entity?
Have you noticed that certain black rubber products have a strong offensive odor (like used automotive oil)?
If it occurs often, does it vary in intensity, and if so, how often do you feel a strong sexual attraction?
How does the attraction make you feel mentally & emotionally? Does it put you in a good mood? Does it make you feel excited?
Do you think your life would feel significantly different, if you did not feel sexual attraction to anyone or anything?
Do you ever refer to yourself as "we" or "us" when talking or thinking to yourself (eg. "Let's go to the bathroom now") even though you don't in general consider yourself to be more than one entity?
Have you noticed that certain black rubber products have a strong offensive odor (like used automotive oil)?
house stuff
Sunday, June 17th, 2007 06:10 pmAnts are building a hill next to and over the water meter cover next to the street. Crawling all over it. That's where the main water shut-off is too, which I wanted to test before installing the new faucet, in case I run into problems with the valves under the sink. Guess I'll have to do something about that. I dislike using *-cides.
Trying to type one-handed while eating a popsickle is difficult and takes the fun out of eating the popsickle. ::goes off to finish popsickle::
I've gotten more used to using the weed-wacker to cut the grass. My arms don't go numb afterwards anymore, and I don't seem to have as much muscle-ache from it. I've also suppressed most of my emotional reaction to chopping up pretty plants and (weed) flowers. The first time, after I noticed myself wacking off the flowers, I felt like crying and quit for the day.
My dad's wife... does one call someone a step-mom, if they married when you were an adult, and you never lived with her while growing up?... kindly offered that they would pay for me to buy a washing machine for the house.
Yesterday, I washed 3 loads of laundry at Forestfen's, and hung it out to dry there. Then went grocery shopping and returned to pick up the clothes and some other items. All well and good except that I overlooked one bag of clean folded sheets and towels when leaving.
There are a lot of nice chirpy birds around here. The roosters still haven't returned. I hope they are off happy in the countryside somewhere, and not being used as gamecocks, and not killed for dinner, and not confiscated and killed by animal control officers. Or whatever other unpleasant things might happen to cute little roosters.
I watched the DVD, Caligula, last week. There was the sound of a rooster crowing in the movie, which made me perk my ear for a moment, til I realized that it was the movie. From the description of the movie, I thought it might be interesting to watch, to see what "porn" is like. Other than the background music to the DVD's menu, I didn't like the movie, though. If that is what all porn is like.... uggh! Even without the gruesome cruelty, maiming, and killing parts, the sex scenes on their own seemed gross to me. Or at the least, boring and distasteful. It makes sex seem totally ugsome, like it seemed when I was younger. And what is with the horrid female giggling sounds during the orgies... was that done to add to the movie's sinister-ness, or do straight guys find that erotic?
The calluses on my palms keep getting thicker, even after I try to trim them off with a razor blade.
Somebody and somebody broke up, and I wish they hadn't. But then, I don't want people to be unhappy, and if they weren't right for each other.... Sigh. And what about me? I don't know.
One of the bedrooms has a slight, pungent odor which bothers me. I can't figure out what it is coming from.
My kitchen cabinets are rather full. Even though I'm trying to maintain the mentality of having enough items to feed myself until the next time I go shopping, as opposed to the mentality of having all the items to cook anything I might ever possibly desire to cook.
Trying to type one-handed while eating a popsickle is difficult and takes the fun out of eating the popsickle. ::goes off to finish popsickle::
I've gotten more used to using the weed-wacker to cut the grass. My arms don't go numb afterwards anymore, and I don't seem to have as much muscle-ache from it. I've also suppressed most of my emotional reaction to chopping up pretty plants and (weed) flowers. The first time, after I noticed myself wacking off the flowers, I felt like crying and quit for the day.
My dad's wife... does one call someone a step-mom, if they married when you were an adult, and you never lived with her while growing up?... kindly offered that they would pay for me to buy a washing machine for the house.
Yesterday, I washed 3 loads of laundry at Forestfen's, and hung it out to dry there. Then went grocery shopping and returned to pick up the clothes and some other items. All well and good except that I overlooked one bag of clean folded sheets and towels when leaving.
There are a lot of nice chirpy birds around here. The roosters still haven't returned. I hope they are off happy in the countryside somewhere, and not being used as gamecocks, and not killed for dinner, and not confiscated and killed by animal control officers. Or whatever other unpleasant things might happen to cute little roosters.
I watched the DVD, Caligula, last week. There was the sound of a rooster crowing in the movie, which made me perk my ear for a moment, til I realized that it was the movie. From the description of the movie, I thought it might be interesting to watch, to see what "porn" is like. Other than the background music to the DVD's menu, I didn't like the movie, though. If that is what all porn is like.... uggh! Even without the gruesome cruelty, maiming, and killing parts, the sex scenes on their own seemed gross to me. Or at the least, boring and distasteful. It makes sex seem totally ugsome, like it seemed when I was younger. And what is with the horrid female giggling sounds during the orgies... was that done to add to the movie's sinister-ness, or do straight guys find that erotic?
The calluses on my palms keep getting thicker, even after I try to trim them off with a razor blade.
Somebody and somebody broke up, and I wish they hadn't. But then, I don't want people to be unhappy, and if they weren't right for each other.... Sigh. And what about me? I don't know.
One of the bedrooms has a slight, pungent odor which bothers me. I can't figure out what it is coming from.
My kitchen cabinets are rather full. Even though I'm trying to maintain the mentality of having enough items to feed myself until the next time I go shopping, as opposed to the mentality of having all the items to cook anything I might ever possibly desire to cook.
(no subject)
Saturday, May 5th, 2007 01:27 amThe rare occasions wherein someone else has done something which has turned me on have been mostly flukes. The other person did not realize that what they were doing was arousing for me. Even if I let them know, they still don't really understand; they don't have an intuitive grasp of how things do and do not affect me, and how I might react to other stimuli. And even though it may feel good at the time, being aroused, it is disappointing afterwards, realizing this. Realizing that there is no true mental connection between us. That it is all just in my head. That it is hardly any different from having fantasies of my own, in my head.
Perhaps this is normal for other people too. Perhaps it is as normal as accepting that we as humans unfortunately are not telepathic and never will be.
Perhaps this is normal for other people too. Perhaps it is as normal as accepting that we as humans unfortunately are not telepathic and never will be.
(no subject)
Saturday, February 10th, 2007 06:41 pmI've been asked to make someone a couple of rope floggers. While doing a search for black rope, I came across some things of interest:
- Glo-rope - glow-in-the-dark rope. I bet this would look cool for bondage - tying someone up and then turning the lights out and having them glow.
- Rope quirts. I didn't know that some quirts are made just out of rope, without leather. It doesn't seem like they would feel the same though. Not that I've felt either. Although I have felt a crop. I get crops and quirts mixed up.
- My reaction to something - I came across a page with pix of a naked person tied up in extreme positions, doing oral sex on a male in those positions, being fucked in those positions... none of that particularly bothered me, and even aroused my interest somewhat - but then I glance at a pic, where the top has his face pressed into the person's nether regions (presumably doing oral sex), and my reaction to that one is, "Ewwww!!!!".
It used to be, my reaction to all of those pix would have been like that.
- Glo-rope - glow-in-the-dark rope. I bet this would look cool for bondage - tying someone up and then turning the lights out and having them glow.
- Rope quirts. I didn't know that some quirts are made just out of rope, without leather. It doesn't seem like they would feel the same though. Not that I've felt either. Although I have felt a crop. I get crops and quirts mixed up.
- My reaction to something - I came across a page with pix of a naked person tied up in extreme positions, doing oral sex on a male in those positions, being fucked in those positions... none of that particularly bothered me, and even aroused my interest somewhat - but then I glance at a pic, where the top has his face pressed into the person's nether regions (presumably doing oral sex), and my reaction to that one is, "Ewwww!!!!".
It used to be, my reaction to all of those pix would have been like that.
(no subject)
Thursday, February 1st, 2007 09:23 pmI feel like... I don't know what turns me on, anymore. And how can I know what kind of relationship I want, if I don't even know what turns me on?
The things that were exciting/arousing for me on the past, maybe they'd just turn me off, now. Or maybe they would still work in a good way. But I don't know. Maybe nothing would work in a good way for me, anymore.
.
I got a voicemail on my cell. It was phone-spam. In Spanish.
I've been email-chatting a bit with someone. He seems interesting so far. Hmmm, but he didn't answer my question about whether or not he smokes. Hmmm.
Sigh.
It snowed a bit this morning, in between the rain.
I like climbing stairs. In the mornings at work, sometimes I walk up to the 4th floor and then back down on the other side to the 2nd, where my cube is. It helps to warm me up when it is cold outside; gets my circulation going. There's a board up on the 4th floor on which someone writes a different inspiring quote each day...
The optimistic person says, "I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way!"
I'm a pessimist, and think, "I don't know where I'm going, and what difference does it make, anyway."
The things that were exciting/arousing for me on the past, maybe they'd just turn me off, now. Or maybe they would still work in a good way. But I don't know. Maybe nothing would work in a good way for me, anymore.
.
I got a voicemail on my cell. It was phone-spam. In Spanish.
I've been email-chatting a bit with someone. He seems interesting so far. Hmmm, but he didn't answer my question about whether or not he smokes. Hmmm.
Sigh.
It snowed a bit this morning, in between the rain.
I like climbing stairs. In the mornings at work, sometimes I walk up to the 4th floor and then back down on the other side to the 2nd, where my cube is. It helps to warm me up when it is cold outside; gets my circulation going. There's a board up on the 4th floor on which someone writes a different inspiring quote each day...
The optimistic person says, "I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way!"
I'm a pessimist, and think, "I don't know where I'm going, and what difference does it make, anyway."
