Darkoshi

One of the things that has held me back from getting top surgery is that some of the surgery result photos I've seen have looked rather unpleasant in terms of uneven scars, puckering of skin, and/or disturbing-looking nipples. Even results which look relatively good to me generally have lasting scars. People taking testosterone may get muscle build-up and/or chest hair growth, which makes the scars less noticeable. But since I have no desire to take T, any scars on my chest would probably stay fairly noticeable.

But it occurred to me today (after watching someone's video), that I could get a nice big tribal-style tattoo done on my chest to hide/cover any such scars. I've never had a burning desire to get any tattoos, but one like that might be both useful and cool-looking.

Other things holding me back:

- worry about how it would affect my relationship with Q.

- worry about the initial healing period after surgery... about who would take care of me during that time. Would I have to hire someone, or would I try to manage all on my own? Even getting to and from the surgery site - would I have to take a taxi? Would I ask Forestfen?

- would I be able to fall asleep at night, having to sleep on my back until the incisions healed? Normally I sleep on my sides. This ought to be a minor issue, but it worries me nevertheless.

- worry about after-surgery complications, which would make me have to get further medical attention. If I had traveled to another state for surgery, and had come back home, where would I go for that medical attention?

- likely having to go to various other sessions/appointments first, in order to get whatever approval letter is required for the surgery.

- it would cost a lot; would it really be worth it for me?

- laziness/apathy. Not wanting to go through all the trouble, when it's not something that will suddenly make my life feel like it is worth living. It would simply be a nice thing, not to have breasts anymore, and to no longer have to deal with the annoyances related to them. That would be a lot of trouble to go through, just for a "nice thing".

..

I sort of feel like I'm waiting to die, like I'm on the down-slope. I don't feel young anymore. I'm old and have nothing I'm yearning to do with my life... what's the point of going through a lot of trouble, for anything?

The way Zorro still jumps and nips/bites at me sometimes, I worry that she may bite off one of my nipples someday. I haven't decided whether that would be a particularly bad thing or not. She's already nipped them several times. But I suppose being in the ER with a bleeding mutilated nipple wouldn't result in me being able to get top surgery right away, anyway. So, oh well.


Mischief and damage that Zorro has demonstrated she can perform on my property, even though she isn't allowed inside the house.

- Chewing up a water hose into many pieces. (After seeing the pieces, I quickly gathered up the other water hose which still appeared to be intact, and moved it into the garage for safety.)

- Chewing up the plastic diverters which are attached to the bottom of the metal gutter spouts. (I got sneaky yesterday though, and put a noise-maker rattler into one of them. She doesn't like that, heheh!)

- Chewing/scratching at the vinyl siding - apparently something caught her attention at the edge of the house today, and I had to put her on the tie-out cable to keep her from keeping at it. (Luckily most of the house is brick, and only part is vinyl siding. I hope she doesn't chew up my house.).

- Digging holes. (I can shovel up some of her shit into the holes though, to discourage her from continuing to dig in the same ones.)

- Digging up the fruit/vegetable scraps in my compost pile, right after I've buried them, and dragging them all across the front yard. (Now I lay down bricks on top of the compost pile after burying the scraps, to discourage her from digging there.)

- Licking/eating up the fire-ant bait after I've sprinkled it onto ant mounds. (Solution - either keep her tied up on the cable until the ants have taken away all the bait, or shake my noise-rattler at her, when she starts licking it up, to startle her away. I use Spinosad ant bait, which is the same ingredient in some tick/flea medicines, so at least the bait shouldn't be dangerous to her in the small amounts I apply.)

- Barking. Sometimes she gets into a barking spree, and when I try to calm her down and get her to stop, she acts like she has the hiccups... like how you'll be fine and calm for a little while, but then another bark/hiccup suddenly escapes again and threatens to turn into another whole uncontrollable episode.

I like how this Canadian guide on FTM surgery includes mention of non-transsexuals who may want surgery:

We use “FTM” as shorthand for a spectrum that includes not just transsexuals, but anyone who was assigned female at birth and who identifies as male, masculine, or a man some or all of the time. Some non-transsexuals in the FTM spectrum (androgynous people, butches, drag kings, bi-gender and multi-gender people, etc.) may also want some of the surgeries described above, and may not identify or live as men. For this reason we use the term FTM instead of “trans men”.
...
For FTMs, the goals of SRS are to reduce “female” characteristics and make the body look more “masculine” or androgynous (depending on how you identify).



This youtube video by videokidsam also has some good info on top surgery vs reduction.

I've been considering again, getting something done on my chest. It requires optimism, such considerations. I must have had optimism this week, to be taking the idea seriously again. Yesterday at night when I was very tired and sleepy, the thought of whether or not I get my body changed in order to like it more seemed so insignificant in comparison to the "greater" issue of whether life can be enjoyable or not. If not, what is the point of going through all the trouble of getting something like that done? It's just a minor detail in comparison.... But that's the pessimistic side of me. The pessimistic side also questions whether I could even get it done, not being FTM.... but nowadays there is a lot more info on the subject, than even a few years ago, I think.

I'm trying to be rational, and consider things from both sides. For the last several days or week or so, my breasts have felt a bit swollen in the morning, and more sticking-out-ish. This seems to be a cyclical thing, hormonally related. It makes me feel more of a need to wear a bra, both to reduce the sticking-out-ness, and to provide support to the swollen masses. During this time, obviously having breasts seems more of a nuisance, and I'm more likely to want them gone. So I will wait and pay attention to how I feel, the rest of the time.

Perhaps getting a breast reduction to an A-cup is something to consider, as opposed to getting them completely removed. It would probably make it simpler from a social aspect - being a female with very small breasts is still more socially acceptable than being a female with no breasts.

But I was looking at some breast-reduction sites yesterday, and I don't think that is the thing for me. I don't know if they would even do a reduction that small, and I couldn't be sure that the surgeon wouldn't leave more tissue than I wanted. If I'm going to go through all the trouble of a surgery, I don't want to end up still having breasts that I don't like on me. It makes more sense to get them completely removed. The scars probably will look bad either way, but I'd rather have a flat scarred chest than a bumpy scarred chest.

They say that one may lose sensation in the nipples. That doesn't seem a big deal to me, as I have no erotic sensations there. But I wonder whether that also means that the nipples lose their ability to change between being perky and flat, depending on the temperature or depending on whether they've been touched. Does the erectile tissue lose its erectileness? That's something to research; I'm curious about it.

I don't think insurance would cover a breast reduction or removal for me, as it is not medically necessary. It's not as much a need for me, as it is for a transsexual person. I wouldn't expect them to cover it, and I wouldn't want to take advantage of it, even if they did. Not unless they covered other procedures too such as liposuction, that people do in order to like their bodies better. So anyway, there's the cost. I think I could afford it, but still it would be a large cost, which is never a pleasant thing.

There are probably breast-reduction surgeons in the local area, but for an FTM-type chest surgery, I'd probably have to travel somewhere else. And the amount of time one has to stay in the hospital, or go back for check-ups, and drain removals and such... how would that impact my work? How much time would I have to take off?

Surgery is a dangerous thing in general. The thought of being anesthetized again seems dangerous... I seem to always stay under longer than was expected. And all the chemicals they pump into you... it can't be a healthy thing.

I have a thing against plastic surgery... not sure why... but this would be like plastic surgery. On the one hand, why shouldn't I? This is the future; if people can have their bodies altered, why shouldn't I? But it seems like a cop-out... like it is my burden to bear this body as it is, and having it altered is somehow cheating. ( a long paragraph of mental debate... )



Social aspects...
I might be completely happy with a flat chest from a personal aspect, but would I be comfortable in public? Would people read me as male; would they be confused when they heard my female-pitched voice? Would I be any more comfortable wearing a thin shirt in public, than I am now? Would the discomfort of being seen as a person with breasts be replaced by the discomfort as being seen as a freak female without breasts? Or would I feel confident and comfortable, being seen as me? Would I be read as a girly, gay male? Would I be subject to homophobic abuse? Would I tell people, if I were asked, that I had them removed due to breast cancer, just because people might accept that better than my real reasons? Maybe I could say I had them removed, and if asked why, I could just say that it was for personal reasons. I think most people would be too polite to ask, though. The kind of people that might ask, might be the ones itching for violence.

Maybe it would not make much difference. Maybe my chest is small enough already, that people already wonder about me, especially with the chest-hiding types of shirts I wear.

I don't like tight shirts. Wearing a tight-fitting shirt on a flat chest, along with a swooshy skirt, seems an appealing image, but I don't need to worry about whether other people would be upset by it, because I would not wear a tight-fitting shirt anyway; they are uncomfortable. Right?

I don't know how Q would react. I know he would not like it. Would he be angry? Would he leave? I hesitate even posting this, such that he could read it. I was planning to wait at least, in telling him, until I was really sure about going ahead with doing it. That also involves finding out if it can even be done. Will I get that far? So many other unrelated things on my to-do list, too...

Spring, summer, optimism, sunshine....


Hmmm... what if most females did not actually like having breasts? What if breast removal were a common procedure, and half or more women had it done? Would that somehow change how I felt about having it done? Would it make it easier? Or would I be more willing to bear the burden of having breasts, knowing that most other people felt it was a burden too? Would it not seem as special to have a flat chest, if a large percentage of other females also had flat chests? hmmm. No, actually, it would make it easier, from the aspect of getting it done, and from worrying about social repercussions. It would however, negate the aspect looking "less like a woman", if other woman had it done too... but then, if other woman were like me, would I still care whether I looked like them or not? But even regardless of the breast thing, I still think of women as different from me... it's not just the body, it's the whole personality / desires / state-of-mind.

I guess it's like with the Essure - the fact that many other women also want birth control doesn't make me not want to have it myself, and doesn't make me feel more like a woman. I guess each detail is a small part of a whole. If on the whole, other women were like me, then maybe I'd feel like one. But individual things like birth control or breasts, is not enough to make me feel like one.