Darkoshi

Apparently I'm much more of an optimist than I realize.

I can't say how many times I find a problem in the code, fix it, and expect the fix to work fine, and there not to be any more major issues. Or at least, not until after I've verified the first fix.

Not that I don't know that there might still be other problems, but just that early in the day, I seem to have unbounded *optimism*. The kind of feeling that makes me think, I can test this fix, and then go on to test that other fix my co-worker put in, and then successfully retest the scenario the BA was having problems with, and then maybe even have time to debug the other outstanding issue. Like, I seriously expected I might be able to do all of that today!

It's not supposed to happen that in testing the first fix, I get totally unexpected results, and upon research determine that those results are due to stranded data from yesterday's failed tests, plus additional problems in the error handling logic, plus maybe the cursors needing extra conditions in them, plus who knows what else.

Please, not another can of worms. I've got enough cans of worms already!

*Optimism*, because this code was extensively tested in the past and was working pretty good back then. Even though I should be pessimistic due to all the issues we've already found, which have mainly been due to a large code refactoring project that was done last year.

I've been considering again, getting something done on my chest. It requires optimism, such considerations. I must have had optimism this week, to be taking the idea seriously again. Yesterday at night when I was very tired and sleepy, the thought of whether or not I get my body changed in order to like it more seemed so insignificant in comparison to the "greater" issue of whether life can be enjoyable or not. If not, what is the point of going through all the trouble of getting something like that done? It's just a minor detail in comparison.... But that's the pessimistic side of me. The pessimistic side also questions whether I could even get it done, not being FTM.... but nowadays there is a lot more info on the subject, than even a few years ago, I think.

I'm trying to be rational, and consider things from both sides. For the last several days or week or so, my breasts have felt a bit swollen in the morning, and more sticking-out-ish. This seems to be a cyclical thing, hormonally related. It makes me feel more of a need to wear a bra, both to reduce the sticking-out-ness, and to provide support to the swollen masses. During this time, obviously having breasts seems more of a nuisance, and I'm more likely to want them gone. So I will wait and pay attention to how I feel, the rest of the time.

Perhaps getting a breast reduction to an A-cup is something to consider, as opposed to getting them completely removed. It would probably make it simpler from a social aspect - being a female with very small breasts is still more socially acceptable than being a female with no breasts.

But I was looking at some breast-reduction sites yesterday, and I don't think that is the thing for me. I don't know if they would even do a reduction that small, and I couldn't be sure that the surgeon wouldn't leave more tissue than I wanted. If I'm going to go through all the trouble of a surgery, I don't want to end up still having breasts that I don't like on me. It makes more sense to get them completely removed. The scars probably will look bad either way, but I'd rather have a flat scarred chest than a bumpy scarred chest.

They say that one may lose sensation in the nipples. That doesn't seem a big deal to me, as I have no erotic sensations there. But I wonder whether that also means that the nipples lose their ability to change between being perky and flat, depending on the temperature or depending on whether they've been touched. Does the erectile tissue lose its erectileness? That's something to research; I'm curious about it.

I don't think insurance would cover a breast reduction or removal for me, as it is not medically necessary. It's not as much a need for me, as it is for a transsexual person. I wouldn't expect them to cover it, and I wouldn't want to take advantage of it, even if they did. Not unless they covered other procedures too such as liposuction, that people do in order to like their bodies better. So anyway, there's the cost. I think I could afford it, but still it would be a large cost, which is never a pleasant thing.

There are probably breast-reduction surgeons in the local area, but for an FTM-type chest surgery, I'd probably have to travel somewhere else. And the amount of time one has to stay in the hospital, or go back for check-ups, and drain removals and such... how would that impact my work? How much time would I have to take off?

Surgery is a dangerous thing in general. The thought of being anesthetized again seems dangerous... I seem to always stay under longer than was expected. And all the chemicals they pump into you... it can't be a healthy thing.

I have a thing against plastic surgery... not sure why... but this would be like plastic surgery. On the one hand, why shouldn't I? This is the future; if people can have their bodies altered, why shouldn't I? But it seems like a cop-out... like it is my burden to bear this body as it is, and having it altered is somehow cheating. ( a long paragraph of mental debate... )



Social aspects...
I might be completely happy with a flat chest from a personal aspect, but would I be comfortable in public? Would people read me as male; would they be confused when they heard my female-pitched voice? Would I be any more comfortable wearing a thin shirt in public, than I am now? Would the discomfort of being seen as a person with breasts be replaced by the discomfort as being seen as a freak female without breasts? Or would I feel confident and comfortable, being seen as me? Would I be read as a girly, gay male? Would I be subject to homophobic abuse? Would I tell people, if I were asked, that I had them removed due to breast cancer, just because people might accept that better than my real reasons? Maybe I could say I had them removed, and if asked why, I could just say that it was for personal reasons. I think most people would be too polite to ask, though. The kind of people that might ask, might be the ones itching for violence.

Maybe it would not make much difference. Maybe my chest is small enough already, that people already wonder about me, especially with the chest-hiding types of shirts I wear.

I don't like tight shirts. Wearing a tight-fitting shirt on a flat chest, along with a swooshy skirt, seems an appealing image, but I don't need to worry about whether other people would be upset by it, because I would not wear a tight-fitting shirt anyway; they are uncomfortable. Right?

I don't know how Q would react. I know he would not like it. Would he be angry? Would he leave? I hesitate even posting this, such that he could read it. I was planning to wait at least, in telling him, until I was really sure about going ahead with doing it. That also involves finding out if it can even be done. Will I get that far? So many other unrelated things on my to-do list, too...

Spring, summer, optimism, sunshine....


Hmmm... what if most females did not actually like having breasts? What if breast removal were a common procedure, and half or more women had it done? Would that somehow change how I felt about having it done? Would it make it easier? Or would I be more willing to bear the burden of having breasts, knowing that most other people felt it was a burden too? Would it not seem as special to have a flat chest, if a large percentage of other females also had flat chests? hmmm. No, actually, it would make it easier, from the aspect of getting it done, and from worrying about social repercussions. It would however, negate the aspect looking "less like a woman", if other woman had it done too... but then, if other woman were like me, would I still care whether I looked like them or not? But even regardless of the breast thing, I still think of women as different from me... it's not just the body, it's the whole personality / desires / state-of-mind.

I guess it's like with the Essure - the fact that many other women also want birth control doesn't make me not want to have it myself, and doesn't make me feel more like a woman. I guess each detail is a small part of a whole. If on the whole, other women were like me, then maybe I'd feel like one. But individual things like birth control or breasts, is not enough to make me feel like one.