Darkoshi

OMG, much funny!



Video title: Introverts In The Wild
Posted by: Holderness Family Laughs
Date posted: 2023/04/14

My sweet Zorro-puppy died on Monday, at 12 years of age. May she rest in peace. We had to put her to sleep. I was in tears for three days but have started feeling more normal again. I wrote a lot of thoughts down to help process my emotions, and will put some of them into a longer post.

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Early Monday morning, after midnight (when Zorro still seemed fine!), we had a 3.3 earthquake nearby, while I was still up and awake to notice it. I was looking at the TV, and it shook or bounced or something, and there was a big rumbling sound. But nothing fell down. At the time, I wondered if it could have been a bomb or an explosion in the distance.

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I have signed up to attend a Planned Parenthood / Abortion Rights rally downtown tomorrow. I wonder how many people will attend; I don't really expect a large crowd. I don't have any sign to hold, and it is too late now to think of making one. I'm no good at chanting or yelling. I'm sure I will feel quite awkward there. I hope I will at least find the other participants in order to join with them. I hope it won't be like the other time I went downtown for a protest where I felt like I was just someone on the sidelines, not really a part of it. I am not good at joining in on things. But I feel like maybe just being an extra body there will make some kind of tiny tiny difference.

I've been impressed lately with how pertinent some of the text reply suggestions are on my phone. (Although sometimes they aren't.) It makes replying easier and also seems a good way to learn "what is a good normal response to xyz" if a reply doesn't come easily to one's mind.

But I thought I had turned suggestions off before; hadn't I been concerned about it sending my texts to a server some where, to be analyzed, in order to return the suggestions? So I went into the settings, and found this... the "on-device intelligence part" surprised me:

Messages app - Settings - "Suggestions in chat"
(Google Assistant, Smart Reply, Suggested Actions)

"Smart Reply, suggested actions, and Assistant suggestions are generated with on-device intelligence by Messages.

Suggestions are not shared with Google nor anyone else until you tap them.

If you allow Messages to access your device's location, you'll see more local suggestions."


But what about that "until you tap them" part. I guess that means that once you select and use one of the suggested replies, then it probably sends both the other person's text as well as the selected reply to some server. So I guess my original concern remains.

My nephew is taking his daughter to an indoor trampoline / fun park for her birthday. I had no idea places like that existed, especially right here in town. This particular place has been around for over 4 years already. The sign on the building says "Plex Indoor Sports", so whenever I drove by, I thought it was some kind of regular gym. I watch so little TV nowadays, that if they've shown commercials, I haven't seen them.

In regards to things like this, which seem to happen more and more as I get older, I start to feel like an old ~fuddy-duddy (that's probably not the right word), out of touch with the times. When I write a post about a marvelous new-to-me discovery or interesting factoid, I often wonder if maybe everyone else in the country has already heard about it. Maybe it was a hot topic in the news for a week or a month. I wouldn't know.

That trampoline park looks sort of fun. And a little scary. They've even got Flight Nights: "Every Friday and Saturday night, the lights go out and the lasers come on to the beat of the music."

Maybe I should go some day. Am I too old for that kind of thing? It would be a pity, being too old for something you never even got to do as a child. I can see myself standing there at the edge of the trampoline field, feeling nervous and awkward. I can see a bunch of other people on the trampolines, and me not wanting to get into their way, me not wanting them to get mad or annoyed at me being in their way. I can see exuberant, high-jumping, high-bouncing people (like in that video), and me being afraid of getting anywhere in their path, lest they smash into me. I can see a mostly-empty trampoline field, and yet me feeling too self-conscious of people watching to do much more than jump a foot high in the air, if even that. I can see myself feeling that way as a child, and I can still see myself feeling that way as an adult. Does it mean that it would be that way? Or would I exceed my expectations, and have fun? I don't know.

At work, a corporate diversity email was sent out in honor of LGBT Pride month. I thought the sentiment was nice. It was similar to other ones we've gotten for African-American History month, and Hispanic-American pride, etc.

I heard a co-worker a few cubes away, however, joking/scoffing at the email. Saying she sometimes wished she could unsubscribe from all these corporate emails. "When are we going to get a heterosexual pride month?" Something dismissive of transsexual people. And then something like "I don't think we have anyone (LGBT) on this floor, do we?" (simply in a curious questioning tone).

The way she said all this didn't sound hateful to me; I could believe she doesn't really have anything against gay people. (And she probably has no experience with real trans people.) But it also sounded like she doesn't get it.

I started thinking that I could tell her that if she wanted to celebrate pride in her heterosexuality, that's fine. But the reason why LGBT people need Pride marches and such, is to counter-balance the shame, fear, and stigma they've grown up with.

Personally, my gender-neutral trans-ness and asexuality is mostly invisible to others, and I haven't encountered any such stigma myself. It's not something I feel a need to have pride in, nor is it something that I've ever felt bad or ashamed of.

But for gay and trans people who haven't been so lucky and who have faced hatred, bullying, and mocking during their lives, who've felt the need to hide their identity from others, the *pride* is necessary simply to offset that weight of negativity that they've encountered. It's necessary, simply to be able to feel good about themselves. And it's a way to share camaraderie with others.

It's not the same thing to be told, "you're gay and that's ok now, but don't flaunt it". Because not flaunting it can be interpreted as needing to hide it, as any expression of gayness can be interpreted as a flaunting thereof.

Anyway. I wasn't really planning to tell her all that; it simply crossed my mind. Then I thought, she's just reacting to an experience she's not used to; she'll get over it. Someday she'll get used to these kind of things, and that's part of the point of them.

Then I had the idea to send her an email telling her that yes there's someone LGBT on the floor, that I'm trans though probably not in any way she is familiar with. At that thought, my pulse started racing, and I could hear and feel the blood whooshing in my head*. I quickly decided that I couldn't compose any well written email in such a mental state. So I went out to lunch instead.

*Similar to what it used to do in school/college, whenever I seriously considered raising my hand to ask the teacher a question, or to comment on something. That's a big reason why I didn't do that very often; it was so very nerve-wracking.

I do however often feel that I'm not trans enough to call myself trans to others. That they'd say I'm not really trans. They'd deny my identity. (Or laugh and start thinking of me as weird.) They can't even conceive of it. So why even tell anyone?

My 2002 LDL level was still in the optimal range of under 100. But it occurs to me that my 2002 LDL number may have been higher than in later years, as back then a lot of processed foods contained trans-fats.

Supposedly, trans-fats raise LDL (the "bad" cholesterol) levels and lower HDL (the "good" one). Due to being vegan since high school, I avoided products with animal fats; but that meant that a lot of the processed foods I ate had trans-fats in them instead. My reasons for becoming vegan were ethical rather than health-related, and I've never been particularly concerned with avoiding processed foods.

Curiously, I had a physical done in 1991, and I recall the doctor back then telling me that my cholesterol was somewhat high. I found that odd, as I didn't eat any animal products, and had been vegan for nearly 4 years already. However, I also knew that the body produced its own cholesterol, so it didn't concern me. I wasn't given the actual numbers, and the level must have still been within acceptable levels, as nothing further was mentioned about it.

I'm not sure when exactly trans-fats started being phased out. It was a concern already in 2005, but FDA labeling requirements for trans-fats weren't put in place until 2006. Likewise, trans-fats weren't removed from Oreo cookies until January 2006, and from certain other products until even later. So could that really explain the big difference between my 2002 and 2005 LDL levels? Perhaps companies marketing "health/natural" food products phased out trans-fats earlier than other companies?

However, my HDL levels don't support the hypothesis either. The 2002 number was 49, and the 2005 thru 2013 levels were 51, 52, 47, 53, 59, 57, 52 - no clear pattern.

I wish I had my actual numbers from 1991. That would be interesting. But I'm sure all my old medical records have been destroyed by now, as I never bothered getting a copy of them after graduating from university.

I also wish I could remember the purported reason for me getting that physical done in 1991. I think my eye doctor requested it... that was when I was being treated for a long-term eye infection. I remember agreeing to the physical, but refusing the pap smear part of it. It seems very strange that the Insurance explanation of benefits forms (which I still do have) for the physical describe 2 of the charges as "Outpatient Psychiatric". Did the eye doctor think I had a psychiatric problem, because of my introverted manner? Was it not so much a physical as a psychiatric evaluation along with a physical? Did the doctor avoid telling me it was a psychiatric evaluation? I surely don't remember being told that. Or are psychiatric evaluations a normal part of a physical?

I feel indecisive and down. And the weather is cool and these clothes feel bulky and restrictive. My nose varies between being runny and congested.

Why do I buy Halloween cards, when I end up sitting there with a pen in my hand for an hour, wondering what to write on the cards, so that it is more than just "Dear ***, Happy Halloween, Love ***". What do you write to someone you only see a few times a decade? Writing cards is harder than making small-talk.

I bought a small pumpkin. But no candy so far, except for 10 lollipops... if I don't buy bags of candy, then I can avoid the whole Halloween thing, I guess. I don't feel like doing Halloween. It's too much trouble. Why do I feel guilty when I consider skipping the handing out of candy on Halloween? Surely I've done it for enough years now to make up for the years when I went trick or treating as a child. I've paid my dues; it's other people's turn now. If other people don't care enough to do it, I shouldn't have to feel like I need to make up for everyone else, especially when I don't have any enthusiasm for it myself. And yet that feeling still nags at me!

Why can't I hang up my Halloween lights outside, without wanting to give out candy? Gah. At Christmas, you can put up lights and decorations, without worrying about misleading people as to your purpose, and without having to turn away children from your gate.

What do you do with a Jackolantern, if you're not giving out candy? Just keep it in the living room? Maybe I could keep the pumpkin uncut until Thanksgiving or Christmas or whenever. Who says that you can't carve a jackolantern for Christmas or New Year's?

Yesterday I planned to go grocery shopping. But I wasn't ready to leave until 7:15pm. Then I had to hurry because the first store was closing at 8pm, and the 2nd store at 9pm. The 3rd store is open all night. But when I was half-way through the 3rd store, me and 2 other customers noticed a bad smell in the air. There was some kind of electrical problem with the ice machine. So then I decided I had better hurry there too, and get my purchases purchased quickly, lest they evacuate the store and make me leave my filled shopping cart behind.

On the bright side, I got my grocery shopping done in a much shorter time than usual. And I even stumbled across another sandwich container like I was looking for, at Earthfare. (I had bought 2 of them a while back at Old Navy, but by the time I decided I wanted a 3rd, they were no longer in stock.)

I feel like I'm getting nothing done.

Even though yesterday, I... cut grass and shoveled sh*t. And took a shower. And scanned a friend's computer for malware. And went grocery shopping. And washed dishes. And cooked greens, and cut up strawberries.

Gah. These cards are staring at me.

What can I do? anxiety. and I feel like crying for no reason, too.

"Dear ***. Happy Halloween. I'm depressed and/or dysthymic, like usual. I got my roof replaced. Still have the 2 dogs, who are tearing up my yard. I went grocery shopping yesterday. Hope you're well! Love ***"

Gah.

Just read something that made me think. It probably only seems significant because I'm up too late.

A person goes out and meets someone else, and they get along well. One of the persons unexpectedly asks the other if they'd like to come home with them. The other person accepts.

Does the person who asks the question generally assume that the other person, by their acceptance, wants to have sex with them? Is the expectation of sex implicit in the question?

Does the person who answers the question generally assume that the other person wants to have sex with them? Is the expectation of sex implicit in their acceptance?


How could an asexual person navigate a situation like that? What if they like the other person and want to be friends, and want to see what the other person's house is like (or to show them their own), and spend fun time together, and possibly even get into a relationship, but have no desire nor intention of having sex?

Should they state outright that they are asexual and don't want to have sex? Assuming that the other person is not asexual and was expecting sex, that leads to disappointment on both sides.
Is there any point for an asexual person to go out and meet other people, unless it is an event specifically targeted towards asexual people?

I talked myself into going to the Pride festival downtown today. I was undecided at first; some of the local BDSM groups were marching in the parade, but as I haven't been active in those groups for a couple of years now, I didn't feel that I'd belong in the parade with them. I'd be an odd-ball out. I felt that way last time already, even though at that time I was more active in the group.

I'm not gay or lesbian or bi, in the normal sense anyway. I'm not straight in the normal sense either. But I am an ally and somewhat trans. I finally decided that maybe by going, I'd at least see some pretty people. Maybe I'd bump into someone I knew, and could say hi.

I managed to get there just slightly before the parade was scheduled to start. I started walking towards the front of the parade where the BDSM groups were... then I faltered, wondering what I'd do there. After dithering about for a while, I headed back in that direction, thinking that I could at least see the parade as it headed out. After getting up there, I didn't know what to do with myself, and felt awkward and bored.... I wasn't even looking at people (how can I "see some pretty people" when I didn't even feel comfortable looking at anyone?! Gah.) (There were a lot of dogs on leashes. I don't have a problem looking at the dogs.) I wondered what the heck had I come to the festival for, and felt like leaving already.

Then I decided to go to the swings. I found one that was partially shaded, and swung for a while. The parade left without me noticing, while I had my eyes closed. I got thirsty. After a while, I decided that I could go buy something to drink, and then watch the parade as it returned to the park... so I did that.

Watching the parade pass by, I felt a discomfort similar to what I felt while marching in the parade the other time. I felt like I had to keep a strained smile stuck on my face. I don't feel capable of cheering or shouting like the other people do, so I feel that I should at least try to look cheerful and supportive, hence the awkward strained smile.

After the parade had passed and everyone headed back towards the park, a familiar-looking guy passed me and held up a couple of fingers in greeting. Startled, I said hi, and after a short mental pondering, I realized that it was someone I knew from the BDSM group. But he was already gone by then, so that was that. So I did get to say hi to someone, at least.

Then I wandered by all the booths and tents and saw what there was to see. Twice, I headed towards the tent manned by one of the BDSM people, intending to perhaps say hi, but there were many unfamiliar people at the booth, and suddenly it seemed purposeless and silly to say hi, so both times, I ended up veering away from there.

Then I decided to go back to the swings. On the way there, I sat down to take a brief rest, and stretched my back (it still gets achy), and then pulled up a knee to my chin. I must have looked sad, as a woman passing by spoke to me, saying "It will be all right. Do you hear me? It will be all right". She held out her hand to me. I clasped it for a moment, and she continued on her way. But then I started crying, as if those words had broken down a wall. In that sudden transition from feeling relatively ok to feeling like weeping, I realized that there is an emotional wall that comes up in order for me to cope with navigating through a social situation like that with a bunch of strangers. And that's why I often feel like crying afterwards, while leaving - that's when the wall finally starts to come down. This time, it came down prematurely.

I was glad that I had my reflective sunglasses on, as that made it less obvious that I was crying. I got up and continued towards the swings, trying to get my crying under control. The swing-benches were thankfully still empty, so I chose one and swung for a while. Swinging is soothing; comforting. The fountain noise is soothing too. I felt better after a bit. I swung back and forth to the festival music. I leaned back and watched the sun and clouds swing back and forth. I swung for a long time. I watched some birds; I watched an ambulance come and go. I swung hard; I felt like I did when I was a kid, swinging on swings. The most enjoyable part of being at the festival for me was when I was alone on my swing, listening to the fountain and the distant music, and playing with an acorn.

Then I left.

Being mostly asexual, I've always had a hard time understanding what sex has to do with love; about why having sex purportedly tends to make sexual people start feeling love and/or affection for the person(s) they have sex with. Or why it increases the love/affection they feel for the other person.

But it occurred to me this morning that sex is generally very pleasurable for sexual people, and that the person they have sex with therefore becomes a source of pleasure for them. And when someone is a source of pleasure for you, you start to like them a lot. The greater the pleasure, the more you like them.

In retrospect, it seems quite obvious, but I'm not sure if it's ever quite "clicked" in my mind that way before... I would think of 2 people having sex, and I'd consider the physical act of sex itself the source of pleasure for the people involved, and I didn't see why the physical act would lead to an emotional bond, since it was a purely physical act.

It's been such a rare occurrence for anyone in real life to be a great source of pleasure for me, that it's almost a foreign concept to me. It's even been rare for anyone to be a moderate source of pleasure; which may be why I've rarely felt much inclination to try to form and maintain friendships with people.

Maybe what I feel for Qiao is closer to friendship than love. I'm still not sure if I really love anyone. Qiao has on occasion been a great source of pleasure for me, but that's mostly been long in the past. Nowadays he is usually a moderate source of pleasure for me.

Those times when someone has been a great source of pleasure to me, it has felt sexual to me... that is how I've come to define sexuality in my mind, even if it may not actually be related to sex. Great pleasure is *sexual*; it is a sudden magical *thing* between that person and me, which sparks my mind and excites my emotions and possibly also excites my body. During those moments, I adore the other person. And for a long time afterwards, I remember the pleasure that was felt, prolonging the pleasure, and I still associate it with the other person, and I therefore still adore the other person. This persists for a long time until the person ceases being a continuing source of great pleasure, and I no longer expect or hope to feel it from them again.