darkoshi: (Default)
Back in high school, we had to choose a scene from Macbeth, memorize it, and later recite it to the class. I chose one of the shortest scenes I could find, because, while I was good at remembering things, I wasn't particularly good at memorizing long strings of words.

I'm not sure if I ever recited it to the class; as much as I dreaded having to speak in front of the class, I usually ended up not having to do so. I never volunteered to go first (or 2nd or 3rd, or ever), and so the class usually ran out of time before getting to me. (Though in retrospect it would have been good to have more practice at public speaking. And it probably was a tiny bit of a let-down, getting all worked up at having to speak, and then not having to speak after all.)

As with the few other things I've memorized, I remembered it for a long time, because every so often I would recite it to myself. I didn't remember it perfectly - over time, I may have swapped in some wrong words here and there - but could still recite most of it.

Lately I had noticed that I could hardly remember any of it, except the first line. But this week at work, while standing at my desk, for some reason I started reciting it in my mind, and I remembered the whole thing again! The words flowed without a break.


It's the part with the witches talking, Act 3 Scene 5, that starts with "How did you dare to trade and traffic with Macbeth in riddles and affairs of death..."

But actually, reading that link, it turns out that in the intervening years, I had completely forgotten the 2nd half of it. I thought it ended with "thither he will come to [meet] his destiny". But I used to have the rest memorized too. "I am for the air" ... "my little spirit, see, Sits in a foggy cloud, and stays for me." Yep, I liked those parts!

Heh. And now I learn that the scene I memorized probably wasn't even written by Shakespeare. The above link describes the scene as "un-Shakespearean". This page says: "Some literary critics believe that these [sic] scene is way too hokey to be Shakespeare's work..."

Heh, hokey! You stick your left foot in, you stick your left foot out, you do the hokey-pokey and you shake it all about!

And that's another example of me remembering something, but not remembering it quite right.

*It's like how sometimes people's names are easy to recall, and sometimes not.


Wednesday, June 11th, 2014 11:35 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
At work, a corporate diversity email was sent out in honor of LGBT Pride month. I thought the sentiment was nice. It was similar to other ones we've gotten for African-American History month, and Hispanic-American pride, etc.

I heard a co-worker a few cubes away, however, joking/scoffing at the email. Saying she sometimes wished she could unsubscribe from all these corporate emails. "When are we going to get a heterosexual pride month?" Something dismissive of transsexual people. And then something like "I don't think we have anyone (LGBT) on this floor, do we?" (simply in a curious questioning tone).

The way she said all this didn't sound hateful to me; I could believe she doesn't really have anything against gay people. (And she probably has no experience with real trans people.) But it also sounded like she doesn't get it.

I started thinking that I could tell her that if she wanted to celebrate pride in her heterosexuality, that's fine. But the reason why LGBT people need Pride marches and such, is to counter-balance the shame, fear, and stigma they've grown up with.

Personally, my gender-neutral trans-ness and asexuality is mostly invisible to others, and I haven't encountered any such stigma myself. It's not something I feel a need to have pride in, nor is it something that I've ever felt bad or ashamed of.

But for gay and trans people who haven't been so lucky and who have faced hatred, bullying, and mocking during their lives, who've felt the need to hide their identity from others, the *pride* is necessary simply to offset that weight of negativity that they've encountered. It's necessary, simply to be able to feel good about themselves. And it's a way to share camaraderie with others.

It's not the same thing to be told, "you're gay and that's ok now, but don't flaunt it". Because not flaunting it can be interpreted as needing to hide it, as any expression of gayness can be interpreted as a flaunting thereof.

Anyway. I wasn't really planning to tell her all that; it simply crossed my mind. Then I thought, she's just reacting to an experience she's not used to; she'll get over it. Someday she'll get used to these kind of things, and that's part of the point of them.

Then I had the idea to send her an email telling her that yes there's someone LGBT on the floor, that I'm trans though probably not in any way she is familiar with. At that thought, my pulse started racing, and I could hear and feel the blood whooshing in my head*. I quickly decided that I couldn't compose any well written email in such a mental state. So I went out to lunch instead.

*Similar to what it used to do in school/college, whenever I seriously considered raising my hand to ask the teacher a question, or to comment on something. That's a big reason why I didn't do that very often; it was so very nerve-wracking.

I do however often feel that I'm not trans enough to call myself trans to others. That they'd say I'm not really trans. They'd deny my identity. (Or laugh and start thinking of me as weird.) They can't even conceive of it. So why even tell anyone?

so far, today

Sunday, September 29th, 2013 02:36 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I completely missed hearing anything about this year's Pride Fest which took place yesterday, until today when (belatedly) skimming a local news & events email.

The fest included a performance by the 80s band "Berlin". I might have liked to hear them play. Then again, I don't know... milling about downtown with a bunch of people would have felt awkward. Like the other times I went. And the music might have made me feel nostalgically sad. Or hopelessly chipper.

An occasion which would feel like just another burst of personally meaningless color, noise, and sensory input.


I have a dish-washing detergent scented with "clary sage and citrus". The sage smells to me like vegan sausage, which is an odd thing to wash dishes with.


Valerie June. I love her voice. Came across her while doing a search on "Somebody to Love" (Berlin's cover of the Jefferson Airplane song). She's just released a new album, Pushin' Against A Stone.

Video title: Valerie June | You Can't Be Told
Posted by: Concord Music Group
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEhKbjrSfp4

Video title: VALERIE JUNE 'Somebody to Love' LIVE The Deaf Institute 150513
Posted by: transeuropa
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OvNcuCRJaQ



Video title: Chasing Skaters Down Stunt
Posted by: TheSmokingTire
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t00TYOcr9nA
darkoshi: (Default)
My 2002 LDL level was still in the optimal range of under 100. But it occurs to me that my 2002 LDL number may have been higher than in later years, as back then a lot of processed foods contained trans-fats.

Supposedly, trans-fats raise LDL (the "bad" cholesterol) levels and lower HDL (the "good" one). Due to being vegan since high school, I avoided products with animal fats; but that meant that a lot of the processed foods I ate had trans-fats in them instead. My reasons for becoming vegan were ethical rather than health-related, and I've never been particularly concerned with avoiding processed foods.

Curiously, I had a physical done in 1991, and I recall the doctor back then telling me that my cholesterol was somewhat high. I found that odd, as I didn't eat any animal products, and had been vegan for nearly 4 years already. However, I also knew that the body produced its own cholesterol, so it didn't concern me. I wasn't given the actual numbers, and the level must have still been within acceptable levels, as nothing further was mentioned about it.

I'm not sure when exactly trans-fats started being phased out. It was a concern already in 2005, but FDA labeling requirements for trans-fats weren't put in place until 2006. Likewise, trans-fats weren't removed from Oreo cookies until January 2006, and from certain other products until even later. So could that really explain the big difference between my 2002 and 2005 LDL levels? Perhaps companies marketing "health/natural" food products phased out trans-fats earlier than other companies?

However, my HDL levels don't support the hypothesis either. The 2002 number was 49, and the 2005 thru 2013 levels were 51, 52, 47, 53, 59, 57, 52 - no clear pattern.

I wish I had my actual numbers from 1991. That would be interesting. But I'm sure all my old medical records have been destroyed by now, as I never bothered getting a copy of them after graduating from university.

I also wish I could remember the purported reason for me getting that physical done in 1991. I think my eye doctor requested it... that was when I was being treated for a long-term eye infection. I remember agreeing to the physical, but refusing the pap smear part of it. It seems very strange that the Insurance explanation of benefits forms (which I still do have) for the physical describe 2 of the charges as "Outpatient Psychiatric". Did the eye doctor think I had a psychiatric problem, because of my introverted manner? Was it not so much a physical as a psychiatric evaluation along with a physical? Did the doctor avoid telling me it was a psychiatric evaluation? I surely don't remember being told that. Or are psychiatric evaluations a normal part of a physical?

(no subject)

Saturday, August 4th, 2012 02:26 am
darkoshi: (Default)
I hate that I get so tense and on edge (nervous? upset?) when discussing significant topics of disagreement with other people, that it impedes my being able to think and respond calmly and intelligently to the other person's arguments.

I'm much more likely to lose faith in my own arguments in the middle of a discussion, than other people are of theirs. After all, what do I really know about anything? Things I've read and heard, mostly. What can anyone be sure of? Hardly anything. Even when there have been studies and when there are facts and figures, it often turns out that the conclusions are biased, the facts and figures have been massaged, and/or the studies themselves are flawed or contradictory. How can one feel comfortable claiming something as fact in a debate, if one doesn't even remember the source of those facts? I don't remember the source of most of the things in my brain, and I'm sure most other people don't either. It's all hearsay, unless one tracks down sources and references. Other people don't seem to be bothered by that when they state their view of the truth.


Anyway. So supposedly, Christians are more discriminated against in this county, than LGBT people are. Supposedly, Christians can't even openly profess their faith without being attacked.


All I can think, is that society must be improving, if the people who comprise the vast majority of the population, and who've had the law on their side for so long, are beginning to feel set upon.

Then again, some people seem to generally feel set upon.
darkoshi: (Default)
I feel indecisive and down. And the weather is cool and these clothes feel bulky and restrictive. My nose varies between being runny and congested.

Why do I buy Halloween cards, when I end up sitting there with a pen in my hand for an hour, wondering what to write on the cards, so that it is more than just "Dear ***, Happy Halloween, Love ***". What do you write to someone you only see a few times a decade? Writing cards is harder than making small-talk.

I bought a small pumpkin. But no candy so far, except for 10 lollipops... if I don't buy bags of candy, then I can avoid the whole Halloween thing, I guess. I don't feel like doing Halloween. It's too much trouble. Why do I feel guilty when I consider skipping the handing out of candy on Halloween? Surely I've done it for enough years now to make up for the years when I went trick or treating as a child. I've paid my dues; it's other people's turn now. If other people don't care enough to do it, I shouldn't have to feel like I need to make up for everyone else, especially when I don't have any enthusiasm for it myself. And yet that feeling still nags at me!

Why can't I hang up my Halloween lights outside, without wanting to give out candy? Gah. At Christmas, you can put up lights and decorations, without worrying about misleading people as to your purpose, and without having to turn away children from your gate.

What do you do with a Jackolantern, if you're not giving out candy? Just keep it in the living room? Maybe I could keep the pumpkin uncut until Thanksgiving or Christmas or whenever. Who says that you can't carve a jackolantern for Christmas or New Year's?

Yesterday I planned to go grocery shopping. But I wasn't ready to leave until 7:15pm. Then I had to hurry because the first store was closing at 8pm, and the 2nd store at 9pm. The 3rd store is open all night. But when I was half-way through the 3rd store, me and 2 other customers noticed a bad smell in the air. There was some kind of electrical problem with the ice machine. So then I decided I had better hurry there too, and get my purchases purchased quickly, lest they evacuate the store and make me leave my filled shopping cart behind.

On the bright side, I got my grocery shopping done in a much shorter time than usual. And I even stumbled across another sandwich container like I was looking for, at Earthfare. (I had bought 2 of them a while back at Old Navy, but by the time I decided I wanted a 3rd, they were no longer in stock.)

I feel like I'm getting nothing done.

Even though yesterday, I... cut grass and shoveled sh*t. And took a shower. And scanned a friend's computer for malware. And went grocery shopping. And washed dishes. And cooked greens, and cut up strawberries.

Gah. These cards are staring at me.

What can I do? anxiety. and I feel like crying for no reason, too.

"Dear ***. Happy Halloween. I'm depressed and/or dysthymic, like usual. I got my roof replaced. Still have the 2 dogs, who are tearing up my yard. I went grocery shopping yesterday. Hope you're well! Love ***"



Saturday, September 3rd, 2011 08:47 am
darkoshi: (Default)
The stuff I've written in the past has already explained everything at least as good or better than I could do now. Is there really anything new left to write?

This post from 2008 says much the same as this recent one, without as many boring details.


I was debating for a bit whether to go to the Pride festival today. But I know that it would play out nearly the same way as it did this time. So I don't think there's any benefit to going. It would just stress me out and feel pointless.


I've finally got things in motion for getting my roof replaced. I am getting regular architectural shingles. The first estimate I got seemed quite a good/fair price, and the person seeemed to know his stuff, and it seemed like he would do a good job. Originally, I had planned to get estimates from 2 other roofers, but after the first one, I decided there was no need. Even if they were to give better estimates, it would probably come at the expense of quality. And the fewer phone calls and appointments I need to make, and the fewer people I need to wait on and interact with, the better. I was quite relieved after talking with that first roofer. It went so much easier than I had been expecting. Here's hoping that the rest of the process goes as well.


(no subject)

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010 01:07 am
darkoshi: (Default)
Just read something that made me think. It probably only seems significant because I'm up too late.

A person goes out and meets someone else, and they get along well. One of the persons unexpectedly asks the other if they'd like to come home with them. The other person accepts.

Does the person who asks the question generally assume that the other person, by their acceptance, wants to have sex with them? Is the expectation of sex implicit in the question?

Does the person who answers the question generally assume that the other person wants to have sex with them? Is the expectation of sex implicit in their acceptance?

How could an asexual person navigate a situation like that? What if they like the other person and want to be friends, and want to see what the other person's house is like (or to show them their own), and spend fun time together, and possibly even get into a relationship, but have no desire nor intention of having sex?

Should they state outright that they are asexual and don't want to have sex? Assuming that the other person is not asexual and was expecting sex, that leads to disappointment on both sides.
Is there any point for an asexual person to go out and meet other people, unless it is an event specifically targeted towards asexual people?
darkoshi: (Default)
This is in continuation of the previous post.

The crying is due to a combination of stress and disappointment. When I go shopping or to the movies or the library by myself, I'm in the midst of a bunch of strangers too, but that doesn't usually make me feel like crying. In those situations, I know exactly how to navigate the social landscape (politely ignore other shoppers/patrons while focusing on my own shopping; stand in line to pay/check-out; hand over money to the cashier; say thank you when they give you your receipt; etc), so I don't feel awkward and don't feel stressed. In those situations, I don't expect to interact with anyone else in any meaningful way, so I don't feel disappointed.

But the BDSM group get-togethers of the past and the Pride festivals that I've attended have often made me feel like crying. I feel stress due to the awkwardness of not being sure of what to do socially, or having a vague idea of what to do but then having no desire and/or failing to do it (failing to greet and interact with other people). I feel disappointment due to an unadmitted and unmet hope that I'll end up interacting with people in a meaningful or enjoyable way. That doesn't happen, because the way I deal with social situations is to avoid interacting with anyone else as much as possible. (Interactions = awkward => avoid!)

Even when I try to greet and converse with people, I still feel awkward and alone and separate from everyone else. Even if I don't feel awkward and alone and separate, I still don't feel anything meaningful from the interactions. (Interactions = pointless; no significant benefit to me => don't bother initiating)

When I attend social situations together with Qiao, I feel less awkward, as he can handle all the social niceties; the spotlight isn't on me. I can remain silent and in the background, without feeling a need or desire to interact with anyone else myself. But those situations don't tend to be particularly enjoyable for me either.
darkoshi: (Default)
I talked myself into going to the Pride festival downtown today. I was undecided at first; some of the local BDSM groups were marching in the parade, but as I haven't been active in those groups for a couple of years now, I didn't feel that I'd belong in the parade with them. I'd be an odd-ball out. I felt that way last time already, even though at that time I was more active in the group.

I'm not gay or lesbian or bi, in the normal sense anyway. I'm not straight in the normal sense either. But I am an ally and somewhat trans. I finally decided that maybe by going, I'd at least see some pretty people. Maybe I'd bump into someone I knew, and could say hi.

I managed to get there just slightly before the parade was scheduled to start. I started walking towards the front of the parade where the BDSM groups were... then I faltered, wondering what I'd do there. After dithering about for a while, I headed back in that direction, thinking that I could at least see the parade as it headed out. After getting up there, I didn't know what to do with myself, and felt awkward and bored.... I wasn't even looking at people (how can I "see some pretty people" when I didn't even feel comfortable looking at anyone?! Gah.) (There were a lot of dogs on leashes. I don't have a problem looking at the dogs.) I wondered what the heck had I come to the festival for, and felt like leaving already.

Then I decided to go to the swings. I found one that was partially shaded, and swung for a while. The parade left without me noticing, while I had my eyes closed. I got thirsty. After a while, I decided that I could go buy something to drink, and then watch the parade as it returned to the park... so I did that.

Watching the parade pass by, I felt a discomfort similar to what I felt while marching in the parade the other time. I felt like I had to keep a strained smile stuck on my face. I don't feel capable of cheering or shouting like the other people do, so I feel that I should at least try to look cheerful and supportive, hence the awkward strained smile.

After the parade had passed and everyone headed back towards the park, a familiar-looking guy passed me and held up a couple of fingers in greeting. Startled, I said hi, and after a short mental pondering, I realized that it was someone I knew from the BDSM group. But he was already gone by then, so that was that. So I did get to say hi to someone, at least.

Then I wandered by all the booths and tents and saw what there was to see. Twice, I headed towards the tent manned by one of the BDSM people, intending to perhaps say hi, but there were many unfamiliar people at the booth, and suddenly it seemed purposeless and silly to say hi, so both times, I ended up veering away from there.

Then I decided to go back to the swings. On the way there, I sat down to take a brief rest, and stretched my back (it still gets achy), and then pulled up a knee to my chin. I must have looked sad, as a woman passing by spoke to me, saying "It will be all right. Do you hear me? It will be all right". She held out her hand to me. I clasped it for a moment, and she continued on her way. But then I started crying, as if those words had broken down a wall. In that sudden transition from feeling relatively ok to feeling like weeping, I realized that there is an emotional wall that comes up in order for me to cope with navigating through a social situation like that with a bunch of strangers. And that's why I often feel like crying afterwards, while leaving - that's when the wall finally starts to come down. This time, it came down prematurely.

I was glad that I had my reflective sunglasses on, as that made it less obvious that I was crying. I got up and continued towards the swings, trying to get my crying under control. The swing-benches were thankfully still empty, so I chose one and swung for a while. Swinging is soothing; comforting. The fountain noise is soothing too. I felt better after a bit. I swung back and forth to the festival music. I leaned back and watched the sun and clouds swing back and forth. I swung for a long time. I watched some birds; I watched an ambulance come and go. I swung hard; I felt like I did when I was a kid, swinging on swings. The most enjoyable part of being at the festival for me was when I was alone on my swing, listening to the fountain and the distant music, and playing with an acorn.

Then I left.


Monday, August 30th, 2010 09:23 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
erm.. umm.. talk... phone.. eh? ::scampers away and hides under a pillow::
darkoshi: (Default)
Being mostly asexual, I've always had a hard time understanding what sex has to do with love; about why having sex purportedly tends to make sexual people start feeling love and/or affection for the person(s) they have sex with. Or why it increases the love/affection they feel for the other person.

But it occurred to me this morning that sex is generally very pleasurable for sexual people, and that the person they have sex with therefore becomes a source of pleasure for them. And when someone is a source of pleasure for you, you start to like them a lot. The greater the pleasure, the more you like them.

In retrospect, it seems quite obvious, but I'm not sure if it's ever quite "clicked" in my mind that way before... I would think of 2 people having sex, and I'd consider the physical act of sex itself the source of pleasure for the people involved, and I didn't see why the physical act would lead to an emotional bond, since it was a purely physical act.

It's been such a rare occurrence for anyone in real life to be a great source of pleasure for me, that it's almost a foreign concept to me. It's even been rare for anyone to be a moderate source of pleasure; which may be why I've rarely felt much inclination to try to form and maintain friendships with people.

Maybe what I feel for Qiao is closer to friendship than love. I'm still not sure if I really love anyone. Qiao has on occasion been a great source of pleasure for me, but that's mostly been long in the past. Nowadays he is usually a moderate source of pleasure for me.

Those times when someone has been a great source of pleasure to me, it has felt sexual to me... that is how I've come to define sexuality in my mind, even if it may not actually be related to sex. Great pleasure is *sexual*; it is a sudden magical *thing* between that person and me, which sparks my mind and excites my emotions and possibly also excites my body. During those moments, I adore the other person. And for a long time afterwards, I remember the pleasure that was felt, prolonging the pleasure, and I still associate it with the other person, and I therefore still adore the other person. This persists for a long time until the person ceases being a continuing source of great pleasure, and I no longer expect or hope to feel it from them again.

(no subject)

Saturday, February 27th, 2010 05:48 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I've noticed that when coworkers greet me with a "Hi", I tend to reply with a "Hey", whereas when I'm greeted with "Hey", I tend to reply with a "Hi". It's not something I think about while doing, but I suppose this avoids it sounding like I'm just echoing back one of their words. They generally greet me by name, but I still rarely respond back with their name.


When Zorro gets hyper, she growls at me sometimes... while darting back and forth and trying to jump at me. I think she thinks it is a game. The first time she growled at me, it scared me. I worry that if she ever gets out of the yard and does that to an Animal Control officer, they may take it as a sign of aggression.

She had some blood taken at the vet this week, in preparation for her spay-surgery next week. I don't know what the purpose of the blood-taking is, but I've begun to suspect it is to check whether she is already pregnant. Perhaps the vet does not want to be involved in performing an abortion during the spaying. That's understandable, but if so, then I wonder why the vet isn't willing to do the surgery before the dog is 6 months of age, as then the dog would be less likely to be able to have gotten pregnant.

I didn't realize that they usually cut into the abdomen to do the spay surgery; I thought that they could go up the vaginal canal like they do with humans sometimes, or just go in thru small hole incisions. But I suppose that would require more expensive surgical tools.

I write about the dog a lot; like a parent who writes about their children all the time... I hope I'm not boring anyone. It's something easy to write about. Does anyone want to see a video of her hopping in the snow? Oh, I've still got the one of her barking at the broom, too...


Q bought a temporal artery thermometer - the kind you only need to swipe across the forehead to get a reading. I was amused by a statement in the instruction booklet: "The best place to measure temperature is the center of the heart, but this can be done only under a doctor's supervision."
darkoshi: (Default)
My hands got stained purple while I was rinsing out the hair dye in the shower. I had to scrub them to get most of the color off. Next time I should remember to keep gloves on until most of the color has been rinsed out. And to put a lot of vaseline on my entire neck before the whole process.

But it made me wonder if I could dye my fingernails a dark color using hair dye. If the hair-dye is non-toxic, anyway.

In the middle-school I attended in Wiesbaden, there was a fad one year amongst the kids to paint on their fingernails and hands using a certain brand of permanent markers... it was a thick ink, possibly metallic. I thought it was a neat thing to do, even though I never did it myself. I wonder if that was a popular fad in the states too? It didn't last for very long, as eventually the school officials and/or parents got worried about the toxic chemicals which might get absorbed into the students' bodies from the permanent marker ink.

Nikinje Jones. Tammy Ruda. Shauna and Shelly Acker(man?). Mrs. Barr. I still remember some names from back then. I wonder what I'll find if I look them up on the internet.

The science courses were split into 2 tracks in that school. The physical sciences were taught in a hands-on, small-teams, doing experiments, at-your-own-pace kind of way, while the life sciences were taught in a formal/regular teacher-led way. I have the impression that the "smart" kids were "supposed" to choose the physical science classes, because my teachers were surprised when, after the first year in the physical science class, I was insistent on wanting to transfer over to the life science class instead.

My problem with the physical science class wasn't the subject nor even that I was forced to work together with a team of 3 or 4 other students while doing the experiments. (Students who would waste time chatting about non-science topics and painting their nails with permanent markers instead of doing the class-work, and at least one of whom who pestered me until I finally let them take my workbook home with them so that they could copy all my answers and get credit for the material).

My problem was that after each section in the workbook, you were supposed to have the teacher check and grade your answers. But the teacher was always busy with other students, and there was no set way to get a turn with her. So I'd end up completing the work in 5 or 10 minutes, and then spending the rest of the class period agonizing over when to get up and approach the teacher; you weren't supposed to stand next to the teacher's desk waiting, as that could take ages, and you'd feel silly and awkward while doing so, and there was no process for indicating to the teacher that you were ready, other than possibly yelling out across the classroom which I was not wont to do, or sitting there with your hand raised for what seemed like eons. I hated it. I eventually stopped waiting for the teacher to check my work, and went on ahead and finished the whole workbook on my own. Then I got transferred to the life science class where it felt nice and homey, where the teacher had nice chats while all the students listened, and where my only problem was with being embarrassed by the growth of outward-projecting blobs on my chest.
darkoshi: (Default)
I should have known that a stranger walking by wouldn't be engaging in casual conversation with me just to be polite or friendly.

I was raking outside the fence, and a not-unpleasant-looking guy walking down the street said hi and something else to me (don't remember, must have been about raking) and instead of replying in my usual curt manner, I decided to be friendly and mentioned good-naturedly about how I had been intending to rake inside the yard, but that I got carried away with doing the outside part. Next thing I know, I've agreed to pay him $7 to quickly do the inside part (only one corner of the yard; the whole yard didn't need raking). He was supposed to finish the small rest of the outside part too, but I'm not sure if he did. It was too dark by then to see well. He had said he wanted the money for cab fare to get back home from his job where he was walking from.

The reason I got talked into it instead of simply saying "no thanks, I prefer to do my raking myself", is that I've occasionally considered that it wouldn't be a bad thing to pay other people to do some raking, when I'm tired or busy with other stuff. They get money that they need, I get some extra time... But that wasn't taking into consideration how uncomfortable it makes me feel to have a stranger in my yard, and having to pay them, and feeling that they're trying to take advantage of me, and having to keep an eye on them (non-obtrusively) to make sure they're doing the job as opposed to being up to no good. I mean really, if I feel that I have to keep an eye on them, that doesn't free up any extra time for myself anyway.

He even did try to talk the price up. I didn't put up with that and said that no, I'd just do it myself if he wanted more money. So he did it for the original price.

But no. Next time I'll stick to my guns and not get talked into paying someone else to do what I was planning on doing myself.

(no subject)

Saturday, November 21st, 2009 07:13 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
You know why I don't like dogs and pets and kids, besides the fact that they are loud and hyper and make messes? Because they don't respect me. They don't like me. They hate me. Even a stupid little puppy just wants to bite me and tear up my clothing and it doesn't matter if I talk calmly or in a low voice or exclaim loudly, or put it in the chill position, he or she or it just keeps doing it and makes me feel like a horrible person because my only recourse is to yell or become violent and keep throwing him away from me until I hurt him which is not an option, or to lock him up or chain him up and ignore him or her. I should start biting him back is what I should do, if only I could do it without her biting me in the face.

face memory test

Saturday, August 29th, 2009 01:31 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
Online Cambridge Face Memory Test

I got 89% correct (64 out of 72), and it says the average is 80%. That surprises me. I still think I'm rather below average at recognizing people, though; maybe it is due to something other than facial detection skills. Obviously, real life isn't like a test where there are only 6 faces to remember. And remembering faces for a few minutes is different than remembering them over days, weeks, and years. And remembering names to go along with the faces is a whole 'nother issue. Part of my problem is probably that I don't feel comfortable staring at people (it doesn't seem polite or normal, even though I guess normal people do it more than me), so I don't get a good visualization of what someone looks like until I've interacted with them lots of times. That's why it helps me to try to pick out distinguishing features when I meet someone, and write them down as notes.

Famous Faces Test
I got 85% right on this one (23 out of 27 I was familiar with), and 85% is the average. I even remembered a lot of the names, maybe 3/4 of them.

(no subject)

Saturday, January 10th, 2009 11:22 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I feel uncomfortable watching/listening to other people's vlogs when someone else is in the same room. Not any videos, just vlog-type ones where someone is talking about their life. I feel similarly uncomfortable trying to write about personal things when someone is nearby, apt to come over and hover by my shoulder.

I'm not sure why I feel that way, when I'm not as uncomfortable with said persons watching those same vlogs on their own, or with them reading my journal entries after I've finished writing them.

FF is staying at my place for a few days while the redone floor in her house dries. She's got her stuff scattered all over the house, and filling up my fridge too. It bugs me, unreasonably. (It's *my* house. I don't want *other* people's stuff messing up my house, filling up *my* fridge...)

I put up a towel rack on one of the bedroom doors. The inside doors are hollow, which makes putting screws in them difficult. I use molly bolts. They are good when they work right, but it's bad when they don't, because then you can't get them out, and then you've got a hole you can't use (which, depending on what you're installing, can mess everything up). This is the best method I've figured out so far for using molly bolts (today, I got 3 molly bolts in well, and the 4th was botched, but luckily still holds well enough).
  • drill hole with my largest drill bit

  • widen hole a bit with metal file, so that molly bolt will fit through

  • grasp the molly bolt with a pair of locking pliers. My plier's gripping edges have lengthwise slits, in which the top part of the bolt (the part which ends up rimming the outside of the hole) fits well. Place the rim in one of the slits closest to the outer edge and slowly squeeze the pliers into a lock around the bolt. Sometimes the metal rim bends at this point; if it is only slightly bent, it's still ok. But make sure the tines are still straight.

  • push bolt through hole as far as it goes, with pliers flat against the door surface. This way you can hold the bolt steady when turning the screw. Otherwise, the bolt tends to turn, and the little tines scratch up the wood surface.

  • while holding onto the pliers with one hand, screw in the screw with the other. The screwing action pulls the part of the bolt inside the door towards the door. Keep screwing until you feel the inside metal scratching against the inside surface of the door.. keep screwing until you feel a strong resistance.

  • at that point, remove the pliers from the bolt, and continue screwing the screw until the outer rim of the bolt is flat against the door's surface. If the previous step went well, this step should go easily.

  • then you can remove the screw, put up whatever item you are putting up, and reinsert the screw.

Today, with the 4th bolt, I must not have turned the screw far enough before I took the pliers off - it was too loose and still turned when I tried to finish screwing it in; the little tines got bent and scratched up the wood around the hole. And then the metal rim broke away from the rest of the bolt inside the door. At that point, I could have pushed the inside part in and started over, but I didn't since it was still holding the screw well enough.

(no subject)

Sunday, November 16th, 2008 01:38 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I tried calling one of my aunts in Germany, but except for a few words, she couldn't hear me. FF had been able to call her and speak to her last week. Why is it that even when I'm speaking in my loudest voice right into the phone, I'm not audible? Why is it that I always seem to have the bad handset, no matter which one I use? How can it be that people don't hear me, even when I'm yelling? Why did it used to be, that I could be on one handset, and not be heard, yet FF, on another handset was heard just fine? Why is FF's loud voice so much louder than my loud voice?

Oh well. Guess I won't be able to speak to her again, unless I visit in person. I guess FF used to do most of the talking anyway... actually, the aunt did a whole lot of the talking too. In person, you can just nod your head and mutter appropriately, and the other person doesn't really need to be able to hear you.

(no subject)

Saturday, June 7th, 2008 11:47 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
Video of me talking, actually talking this time, about my chest and breasts. The talk starts a couple minutes into the vid though.


I took that with my camera, and then whoa, when I was going to transfer it to my computer, saw that the ten minute vid was half a gigabyte in size! So I used Q's computer to reduce its size before uploading it to youtube.

I wonder how audible my speech is to other people; listening to the vids there are even some parts where it is hard for me to make out the words. Hmmm perhaps in the future I could consciously try to enunciate more clearly. Ooh boy, thinking of what to say, and how to say it, at the same time.

At least I didn't have too much of a problem with the technology today, although for the 500Mb file, I had to transfer it using a memory card reader, since when I tried to do it directly from the camera, it seemed to lock up. That's one nifty camera though; it doesn't have any problems saving and playing a file that large!