Darkoshi

I feel indecisive and down. And the weather is cool and these clothes feel bulky and restrictive. My nose varies between being runny and congested.

Why do I buy Halloween cards, when I end up sitting there with a pen in my hand for an hour, wondering what to write on the cards, so that it is more than just "Dear ***, Happy Halloween, Love ***". What do you write to someone you only see a few times a decade? Writing cards is harder than making small-talk.

I bought a small pumpkin. But no candy so far, except for 10 lollipops... if I don't buy bags of candy, then I can avoid the whole Halloween thing, I guess. I don't feel like doing Halloween. It's too much trouble. Why do I feel guilty when I consider skipping the handing out of candy on Halloween? Surely I've done it for enough years now to make up for the years when I went trick or treating as a child. I've paid my dues; it's other people's turn now. If other people don't care enough to do it, I shouldn't have to feel like I need to make up for everyone else, especially when I don't have any enthusiasm for it myself. And yet that feeling still nags at me!

Why can't I hang up my Halloween lights outside, without wanting to give out candy? Gah. At Christmas, you can put up lights and decorations, without worrying about misleading people as to your purpose, and without having to turn away children from your gate.

What do you do with a Jackolantern, if you're not giving out candy? Just keep it in the living room? Maybe I could keep the pumpkin uncut until Thanksgiving or Christmas or whenever. Who says that you can't carve a jackolantern for Christmas or New Year's?

Yesterday I planned to go grocery shopping. But I wasn't ready to leave until 7:15pm. Then I had to hurry because the first store was closing at 8pm, and the 2nd store at 9pm. The 3rd store is open all night. But when I was half-way through the 3rd store, me and 2 other customers noticed a bad smell in the air. There was some kind of electrical problem with the ice machine. So then I decided I had better hurry there too, and get my purchases purchased quickly, lest they evacuate the store and make me leave my filled shopping cart behind.

On the bright side, I got my grocery shopping done in a much shorter time than usual. And I even stumbled across another sandwich container like I was looking for, at Earthfare. (I had bought 2 of them a while back at Old Navy, but by the time I decided I wanted a 3rd, they were no longer in stock.)

I feel like I'm getting nothing done.

Even though yesterday, I... cut grass and shoveled sh*t. And took a shower. And scanned a friend's computer for malware. And went grocery shopping. And washed dishes. And cooked greens, and cut up strawberries.

Gah. These cards are staring at me.

What can I do? anxiety. and I feel like crying for no reason, too.

"Dear ***. Happy Halloween. I'm depressed and/or dysthymic, like usual. I got my roof replaced. Still have the 2 dogs, who are tearing up my yard. I went grocery shopping yesterday. Hope you're well! Love ***"

Gah.

Two trees in my backyard are dropping all their leaves as if it were already the end of Fall. I think it is due to the hot weather and lack of rainfall. Some of the leaves on the other trees are changing color and falling too, but at a slower rate. I feel like watering the yard, to try to keep everything from dying on me. But we have a water restriction in place so I would need to wait til after 10pm tonight to do so. I don't have a sprinkler or a watering can yet, just a hose. It wouldn't even reach around to the back yard anyway. Hmmm.

.

I bought some "black salt" aka "kala namak", an Indian culinary item. I was rather dubious upon smelling it - it contains sulfuric minerals and therefore smells/tastes like cooked egg yolks. But it is actually quite tasty/savoury in cooked beans. I suppose an eggy taste isn't really a bad thing; it's just strange if you aren't expecting it.

.

When I'm in a bad mood, things that bother me are more bothersome than they normally are.
But also, when things bother me, my mood is more likely to go down than otherwise.

When I'm in a bad mood, I feel like I must get rid of the things which are bothering me, because they are so unpleasant. When I'm not in such a bad mood, things don't seem as unpleasant, and I don't feel as much of a need to do anything about the situation.

Part of life-experience is learning to distinguish whether something is bothering me a lot, because it is truly very bothersome to me, or whether it is because I am already in a bad mood. Part of experience is knowing that even though something may still bother me the next day or week or month, it may not matter as much to me. Or maybe it only bothers me a lot when I am actually experiencing the unpleasant stimuli.
Part of experience is knowing that one can become acclimatized to things which once seemed quite unpleasant.