Darkoshi

(I'm splitting my prior post into 2 separate ones, in order to expand on a subject.)

My impression of the Transparent pilot:
I'm intrigued by 2 of the main characters (Maura & Ali), and somewhat put off by the other 2. I was quite put off by the sex scenes, and by the many shots of bare breasts, and squeezing of breasts. The bathroom scene showing bare female buttocks didn't bother me but together with all the rest, the show seems like it was scripted to attract viewers who like female nudity and sex scenes. So while I'm intrigued by part of the story, I'm also put off by a lot of it.

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Not liking the nudity and sex scenes probably makes me sound like a prude. Maybe I am? But I don't think that movies/films/books shouldn't be allowed to have scenes like those; I just don't personally like them.

Why don't I like them? What is it about them that so puts me off? It's not just any sex scenes, or any nudity that puts me off. Only certain kinds. (Although most explicit mainstream sex scenes would fall into that category, which is why I don't watch porn.)

Take the show "Gray's Anatomy". Its characters were having sex or talking about sex and relationships all the time, but those scenes didn't bother me much (beyond rolling my eyes and thinking "there they go at it again!"). But most of those scenes weren't very explicit and didn't involve nudity.

I suspect that what I feel is similar to the aversion that some hetero people feel when watching explicit gay scenes. But what exactly is it that turns me off, and why?

( Light spoilers follow )

Being mostly asexual, I've always had a hard time understanding what sex has to do with love; about why having sex purportedly tends to make sexual people start feeling love and/or affection for the person(s) they have sex with. Or why it increases the love/affection they feel for the other person.

But it occurred to me this morning that sex is generally very pleasurable for sexual people, and that the person they have sex with therefore becomes a source of pleasure for them. And when someone is a source of pleasure for you, you start to like them a lot. The greater the pleasure, the more you like them.

In retrospect, it seems quite obvious, but I'm not sure if it's ever quite "clicked" in my mind that way before... I would think of 2 people having sex, and I'd consider the physical act of sex itself the source of pleasure for the people involved, and I didn't see why the physical act would lead to an emotional bond, since it was a purely physical act.

It's been such a rare occurrence for anyone in real life to be a great source of pleasure for me, that it's almost a foreign concept to me. It's even been rare for anyone to be a moderate source of pleasure; which may be why I've rarely felt much inclination to try to form and maintain friendships with people.

Maybe what I feel for Qiao is closer to friendship than love. I'm still not sure if I really love anyone. Qiao has on occasion been a great source of pleasure for me, but that's mostly been long in the past. Nowadays he is usually a moderate source of pleasure for me.

Those times when someone has been a great source of pleasure to me, it has felt sexual to me... that is how I've come to define sexuality in my mind, even if it may not actually be related to sex. Great pleasure is *sexual*; it is a sudden magical *thing* between that person and me, which sparks my mind and excites my emotions and possibly also excites my body. During those moments, I adore the other person. And for a long time afterwards, I remember the pleasure that was felt, prolonging the pleasure, and I still associate it with the other person, and I therefore still adore the other person. This persists for a long time until the person ceases being a continuing source of great pleasure, and I no longer expect or hope to feel it from them again.

I am reading "Atlas Shrugged", based on Qiao's recommendation. He gave me the book after having re-read it himself recently. I can't say yet whether I much like the book or not, but it's quite more interesting and readable than I thought it would be.

I came across the first sex-scene in the book today. The sex was described as being wonderfully pleasurable for both people. It was described as being how joy was meant to be expressed. Or something like that.

98% of the world's adult population, or somewhere there abouts, feels that way about sex. That sex is this wonderful, pleasurable thing. And I am left staring at the words, thinking, who are these people? They are not me. I do not feel the things they feel. They are alien to me. I am out of place in this world...

Every time I see sexual content on TV or in a movie, it makes me feel alienated and alone.

Even Ugly Betty was trying to make out with her boyfriend in the episode last week, and she was upset when he kept dodging her attempts. But then they hashed it all out, and up to his apartment they went, apparently to have wonderful, pleasurable sex.

Fuck you, world.

I am asexual. That's something I used to know, but which I came to be unsure of for the last several years. But it is true. Asexuality can take different forms, but I just read a definition again which fits me quite well: I do not have a need for sex.

I do not have a sex drive. I have no desire for sex. I have been fine without it, and would be fine without ever having it again. All else equal, I would probably prefer to not ever have sex again. I do on a rare occasion experience sexual arousal, which feels great, but even that does not make me "need" or desire sex. I feel horny more often than I feel arousal, and I masturbate when I feel horny. I get more physical satisfaction from masturbation than from sex - I get little physical pleasure from sex itself. I have to be in a certain head-space in order for someone else touching me to even feel erotic, and that head-space is not easy to come by.

I do not experience sexual attraction in the common sense. When I do, on rare occasions, feel what might be considered sexual attraction, or a sexual response to someone, it is not based on their appearance so much as on their attitude and mannerisms in how they interact with me. When I do feel such an attraction, it is a good feeling, but not something that makes me want to have sex with the person.

I like hugging and cuddling and physical touch, but sex itself is messy, time-consuming, rather boring, and only enjoyable insofar as I feel good that the other person feels good. In the beginning, it was somewhat erotic and enjoyable because I was able to get into a certain head-space with it, but that has faded. Even if I were able to get my head-space back, it would be more enjoyable for me without the sex. Not that I wouldn't want any physicality - I would - but I just don't desire the physical act of sex.

I tried out the Zestra.

The only effect it seemed to have on me was to produce a warming/heat sensation in the genitals. It did not arouse me mentally, or make me feel significantly different physically, or make it easier to orgasm (somewhat hard to gauge, since the preparations for doing this put me into a state where I orgasmed fairly quickly anyway). It did not make my orgasms feel any stronger or better than usual. It did not cause insertion of a dildo* into my vagina to feel any better than usual.

(* - how quaint; LiveJournal's spell-checker doesn't recognize "dildo" as a real word. And for that matter, it doesn't recognize "LiveJournal" either.)

Despite the website saying that Zestra is not flavored and not the best-tasting choice for oral sex, it did have a good scent and did not taste bad... it is simply an unflavored oil with hardly any taste at all. It did make my tongue tingle a little bit. I put some on my lips too, but it did not produce any sensation there.

I haven't tried any other heat-sensation producing products like the ones containing capsicum, so I can't give a comparison of this to those.

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I wish I knew what it feels like to experience a whole-body orgasm with the "fireworks" and contracting muscles bit. I wonder if I will ever experience that. It seems doubtful, since my body has never done that so far.

I think I'd probably gain more pleasure from having a good in-depth mental fantasy again like the ones I used to have, over any physical orgasm, no matter how strong. I wonder whether I will ever have any fantasies like those again.

It seems like I've heard that many females never experience orgasms, but I haven't heard as much about females who experience only "weak" orgasms like mine. I wonder how common or uncommon it is to only have the physical sensations which I have. And I wonder if males experience orgasms along a continuum from weak to strong too; in other words if some guys only experience weak orgasms (or none at all), while some guys only experience strong ones.

Yonmei had linked to this post where someone wrote about the difficulty they had in getting emergency contraception pills after a condom broke while she and her partner were having sex. This, in spite of the EC pills ("Plan B") having recently been approved by the FDA for over-the-counter sales.

When I first read the post, it quite disturbed me to realize how difficult it is in some places, not only to get an abortion, but simply to get emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy in the first place. I decided that I should call up local pharmacies and find out which ones have EC in stock and are willing to dispense it, without a lot of hassle, to people who need it. Even though I've had my tubes occluded and therefore do not personally foresee a need to ever obtain EC, I want to support those places that do dispense it, by shopping there instead of at places that do not. I'm also going to start supporting Planned Parenthood by including them in the groups I donate money to.

The person who wrote the original post also later wrote about some of the positive and negative comments she had received... here and here. I'm glad that the supportive comments far outweighed the negative ones, but some points stuck out to me:

- A lot of people seem to think it is a simple and inexpensive matter for a woman to get a tubal ligation or for a man to get a vasectomy. Last year, I had my tubes occluded via Essure, a non-surgical (no incisions or cutting involved) alternative to lubal ligation. Even though I have health insurance, which paid for most of the costs, I still ended up having to pay over $2,000 out-of-pocket.

- It really bothers me when people use gender-specific slurs such as "whore", "slut", and "bitch". It bothers me first of all that they are using a gender-specific slur... as if someone deserves a certain insult simply for being a certain gender... and it bothers me even more that, for most of these slurs, there isn't even a corresponding term for someone of the other sex. "Jerk" or "asshole" could be considered male versions of "bitch", but they still don't have exactly the same connotations as "bitch" does. As for "whore" and "slut"...? I can't think of any male version of those slurs at all. It's always only females who are so denigrated for having sex.

- Reading some of the negative comments which say the person shouldn't have been having sex if they didn't want to have a baby... if those comments were directed at me, I would feel like saying "Fuck it all. I'm NOT going to have sex anymore." Because frankly, I don't really give a damn about sex. It seems like it's mainly guys who care so much about sex anyway. In fact, I'm still not sure that the guys who've been interested in me so far haven't really only been interested in me for sex. Now, I'm not condemning them for that... after all my own interest in finding a partner isn't completely unsexual... but I could live fine without actual penis-in-vagina sex.

- One commenter wrote: "You see we were all once a fetus. Is it beyond the realm of possibilities that when your mother first learned she was carrying you, she may have considered her options? What if she had decided to terminate? Would that have been OK?

You would not exist, if you have children they would not exist, and your (husband or wife) would be married to someone else. You would have been deprived of all your experiences and memories. "

Am I so unusual, in that the thought of my mother having aborted me before I was born does not bother me? So what, if she had had an abortion? So what, if I didn't exist? Is this life so wonderful, that it would be such a horrible thing, if I wasn't born to live it? Personally, my answer to that is No, I wouldn't mind not being alive. In fact, I might have prefered being aborted. But regardless of that, I also have a semi-religious belief that, if I was truly meant to exist and to live this life, that it wouldn't have mattered if my potential mother had had an abortion. I would have just been born at another time, or to someone else.

- This issue has even more relevance to me right now, because a couple weeks ago, while I was having sex, the condom came off. If I hadn't had my tubes occluded, I could potentially now be pregnant. Admittedly, I personally wouldn't have risked having sex even with a condom, without a backup form of birth-control, but still - BC methods do fail.
BTW, the type of condom I was using was this non-latex one (its website is here). I was curious about how different it would be from the latex ones I've tried, but I definitely DO NOT recommend this brand. Not only did it come off, but the lubricant on it has a nasty smell and taste which is not at all suitable for even oral sex.

Hey, I've already met one more wonderful person. ... He seems nice, intelligent, and interesting, and he's a Dom. Although he lives somewhat farther away than would be convenient, and I'm not sure if we would be sexually compatible. But, cool. Who knows?

We were chatting about some things, and I realized that I'm currently in an in-between state... a state of uncertainty about what I want or don't want, at least sexually, in relationships with other people. Because I haven't had enough experience yet with doing sexual things with other people, to know if that is something I could enjoy at all, or not. If I were certain, I could just state from the outset that I was looking for someone who didn't want sex at all. Or I could state that I don't mind sex, but that it isn't at all enjoyable for me, by itself. Or if it turns out that I could enjoy sex, then it wouldn't be much of an issue. But as it is, I'm still not sure, and that makes me feel trepidation. And I'm really not going to be sure, until I actually try things out with people... with various people... until I have enough real experience to have such certainty.

our big tv's at the repair shop again... so my mom bought an old small zenith black & white tv for $6... i hooked it up to our satellite box.

b&w... uhf & vhf... no remote control; crouching in front of the tv to change the (local) channels... rotary channel dials making that ratchety noise when you turn them... memories of days long gone.

something so old that still works; it's like magic.

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I feel odd to be a 32 yr old still living with my mom. But she must be odd too, to not have wanted me to move out in all this time. For all I know, she's less interested in sex than I am. She used to very occasionally spend the night at her friend's house, so I thought, well maybe... even though she always made it sound like they only talked til late and then slept. But she doesn't even do that anymore.

sheez. i feel dorky for writing "my mom" so often in my entries.
maybe i'll call her by a name from now on instead... Forestfen, yep, that'll do.