Darkoshi

I tried out the Zestra.

The only effect it seemed to have on me was to produce a warming/heat sensation in the genitals. It did not arouse me mentally, or make me feel significantly different physically, or make it easier to orgasm (somewhat hard to gauge, since the preparations for doing this put me into a state where I orgasmed fairly quickly anyway). It did not make my orgasms feel any stronger or better than usual. It did not cause insertion of a dildo* into my vagina to feel any better than usual.

(* - how quaint; LiveJournal's spell-checker doesn't recognize "dildo" as a real word. And for that matter, it doesn't recognize "LiveJournal" either.)

Despite the website saying that Zestra is not flavored and not the best-tasting choice for oral sex, it did have a good scent and did not taste bad... it is simply an unflavored oil with hardly any taste at all. It did make my tongue tingle a little bit. I put some on my lips too, but it did not produce any sensation there.

I haven't tried any other heat-sensation producing products like the ones containing capsicum, so I can't give a comparison of this to those.

.

I wish I knew what it feels like to experience a whole-body orgasm with the "fireworks" and contracting muscles bit. I wonder if I will ever experience that. It seems doubtful, since my body has never done that so far.

I think I'd probably gain more pleasure from having a good in-depth mental fantasy again like the ones I used to have, over any physical orgasm, no matter how strong. I wonder whether I will ever have any fantasies like those again.

It seems like I've heard that many females never experience orgasms, but I haven't heard as much about females who experience only "weak" orgasms like mine. I wonder how common or uncommon it is to only have the physical sensations which I have. And I wonder if males experience orgasms along a continuum from weak to strong too; in other words if some guys only experience weak orgasms (or none at all), while some guys only experience strong ones.

In retrospect it seems rather obvious, but it's just occurred to me what my fantasies over the last few years have been lacking. And why they don't seem special anymore. They've been lacking the element of love... affection... having someone strongly caring about me, and me caring about them.

A fantasy like that isn't something that my mind can conjure up on the spur of the moment... those kinds of fantasies which I used to have tended to become epics... long stories with many chapters which I would revisit again and again, and embellish in different ways each time. But for some reason, I haven't felt like revisiting my old epic fantasies in my mind anymore. And I haven't created any new ones to replace them.

The fantasies I've been having lately have just been random short ones. The characters in them are basically strangers to me... no real personalities to them; I don't keep the same characters from one fantasy to the next... I don't even remember them well enough to use them again... They don't really care about me, nor me about them. The fantasies are sexual in nature, and I think about them simply in order to get to an orgasm while masturbating.

Yet the orgasms I get from short random fantasies like these don't seem special to me. After I've had them, I couldn't care less about having had them, or about what I was fantasizing about to get them. In retrospect, it's never been the orgasms which were so great for me, it was the accompanying emotions I felt. With my long epic fantasies, after having an orgasm, I still felt warm and fuzzy inside from the emotions. It's the emotions I craved, not so much the orgasms themselves.

Those epic fantasies gave me more than just warm and fuzzy emotions. Balancing the love and affection were other strong emotions including fear, hate, despair, and anger. I craved being able to feel those emotions too. In these fantasies, I was able to experience all these strong emotions while still being able to feel the underlying affection between me and my main counterparts. Being able to imagine all these strong emotions created a much more erotic experience for me, than the short non-emotional fantasies I've been having lately.

..

I was rather moody the last time Qiao and I were together. I felt like crying. Eventually I couldn't hold it back anymore and burst into tears... ran to the bathroom to be alone while I cried. After a bit, Qiao came for me and tried to get me to listen to him... held my face in his hands and tried to get me to look at him...

In retrospect, that experience with Qiao reminds me of a few scenes from some of my epic fantasies. Me, feeling a strong emotion of despair, yet also feeling caring and affection from my counterpart... Even being rescued from the despair by my counterpart. Me, feeling vulnerable and lost, but also feeling the presence of a strong and caring partner. Now that is the kind of scene which I can think back on, and start feeling warm and fuzzy from... it can feel erotic and can make me feel like masturbating. But surely that is an odd thing. I'm sure Qiao wouldn't want to repeat such a scene with me. I'm sure having me sad and weeping doesn't seem an erotic thing to him.

Although then again, the "being rescued" theme is a fairly common one in romances, isn't it.