Darkoshi

The heat and humidity and getting sweaty when working on the fence isn't the worst part; it's the mosquitos.

Yesterday when I started working on the fence at 5pm, the mosquitos were a nuisance already, long before evening. But I had my mosquito net hat with me. It worked very well at keeping the mosquitos from biting my face and neck. It couldn't however stop them from biting my hands through my gloves, nor my legs through my thin pants.

I have bruises on my forearm from having pushed my arms through the gaps in the chain link to tie wire ties from the other side.

.

Back to that pronunciation thing. "Szcz". I know that "sz" is pronounced as "sh", and "cz" as "ch", but I can't pronounce them one after the other without a gap in between.

Yet I can pronounce SH + T (as is common in German words), and I can pronounce T + SH (as is common in English as CH). "Szch" is "SH + T + SH" So I should be able to pronounce them all together. And after trying it a few times, I can, but then I get tongue-tied trying to add anything else after it. I suppose it would only take practice.

.

I dreamt this morning about someone who could do telekinesis. Not just moving things with their mind, but moving them so fast that they seemed to dematerialize from one place and materialize in another almost instantaneously. They had transported a mug of tea into my hand like that, and then asked if I wanted it sweeter. (Implying that they could add sugar to it in the same manner.) I asked them if they would be able to make the tea less sweet too (by transporting the dissolved sugar out of it)? They replied that doing so would be much more difficult. It would be simpler to replace the tea in my mug (transport it out of my mug and down the drain) with a new mugful of unsweetened tea from the teapot.

Do you have memories that you consider "good"? Memories of times when you felt great, or happy, or when the world seemed exciting and colorful? Memories of times when the future seemed to offer further fun and excitement? How many memories like that do you have? Does thinking of those memories make you feel good now too?

.

Memories that at some point seemed good to me.

On Mallorca, walking and climbing out on the rocky lava-like outcropping towards the ocean. Hearing the ocean all around, roaring and rising and falling. With the sun shining and wind blowing. (Magic... stories... accompanying me in my mind) 2 distinct memories like that, different locations and trips, but otherwise similar. One time Forestfen was with me, the other time either Forestfen or my aunt was, I don't remember who... in both cases, they were distractions to me, pulling me away from the magical and back into the mundane. I preferred to be alone with my fantasies.

In the woods behind my apartment house in Munich, walking or running carelessly along the path, and being startled by my older brother and a group of his friends, who seemed to step out of nowhere, surrounding me in a narrowing circle. They must have been playing a game of stealth, hiding behind the trees and waiting to surprise me. It gave me a shivery/tingly feeling, as if I was being hunted/chased, as if I was a hero or on some quest, and an enemy wanted to capture me. It was creepy too; I pushed through the circle of boys and escaped. I'm not quite sure if this really happened, or if I dreamt it when I was a kid and kept the memory ever since.

The Empire Strikes Back. I *was* Luke. I had powers. Darth Vader was *evil* and wanted me to join him. There was magic and light and the depths of space.

The school trip to Egypt and Israel in the 7th grade. I kept mementos from that trip for so long, that I must have associated good/poignant memories with it. I had a mild crush on our tour-guide. He was Israeli, foreign, and had sparkling eyes. He was the leader, and I was one of the followers. He told us what to do. At one point during the trip, he noted my interest in the Hebrew alphabet and words, and he swiftly wrote a short phrase in Hebrew on a piece of paper for me. I treasured it; that was his only personal interaction with me but it felt special. Other memories from the trip were ambivalent; I remember being sad and possibly even crying while alone in a hotel room, while the other kids were socializing together. I remember one boy talking to me... I don't remember what he said, but it was something about me being sad or staying to myself and how I shouldn't do that... The mere fact that he talked to me seemed special and unusual, although I didn't know how to respond to what he said. Overall, it was a good trip. There was magic in the air; life was magic back then. Egyptian mythology and history, and ancient ruins were part of the magic.

Walking on a trail through deep woods near some mountain lake with ForestFen and Bro. I found a smooth gray stone that was vaguely shaped like an arrow-head, which became one of my treasures. Walking through forests, I was a ranger/"Indian"/(or whatever the word may be for that feeling of skillful knowledgeable self). I was in an alternate reality.

.

Memories don't seem good or special anymore, because the feeling of magic is gone. I don't remember being happy; I can only think back and wonder if I felt happy in the past or not. But I do remember feeling magic, or at least being able to imagine a magical existence, and that made things seem exciting. Life had possibilities; the stories could come true for me some day; *I* would learn magic; I would be an apprentice to a wizard, or would somehow break through to an alternate reality were magic was real, and where someone like Darth Vader would interact with me.

Or maybe I was never happy with real life; maybe I escaped into fantasy. Books and fantasies were the real, exciting world. Maybe the only particularly good experiences I felt were ones where I was superimposing a fantasy onto the real world.

But the magic is gone. It is fiction. It does not seem real or believable anymore. Even if there were a Darth Vader wanting me to join the dark side, so what? And if I did, then what? Or if I didn't, then what? WHAT? Where is the magic? Where is the purpose, where is the reason for doing anything?

.

I think the interactions with Wododu, and that one other dom, and Qiao early on, were good because I was fantasizing then too. But I was doing it with a *real* person, and they were *interacting* with me, and I started hoping that real life could actually possibly be amazing like a fantasy could, or even better! Except it wasn't real. It was just in my head. Thinking back on those experiences makes me awfully sad now, if I let it. Awfully sad from the disappointment, or not bothering to feel any emotion over it.

Boy George is scheduled to perform in Myrtle Beach on July 29, 2008.

It was July 25, 1998 that I went to my first Culture Club concert in Charlotte. Almost exactly a decade ago. It was a very special experience... Starting with the "Behind the Music" episode on Boy George and Culture Club early in 1998, I became enraptured by them, and the concert didn't disappoint me any. There was something about the love-hate relationship between Jon Moss and Boy George that was portrayed on Behind the Music, which fascinated me... and George was inherently fascinating all by himself, too.

I'm not enraptured anymore. I hope BG plays some new songs, and not too many of the old ones.. I'm sort of tired of the old ones... all of the ones I'm familiar with are rather old by now, even the ones that were new a decade ago. But still, there is something magical about George, and a concert should be nice. :)

"A general feeling of well-being"... I seem to have felt something akin to that for a few hours this morning, after waking up. Like the sun was shining on me (even though the curtains were still closed); like something inside me was smiling and content. A nice feeling. Unusual for me. It didn't last very long after getting up. Although the sun is shining very nicely today, and the clouds are beautiful; wispy dragons on the edges.

Some people say happiness comes from the inside, as if it is something you can control. Some people say if you choose to be happy, you will. That does make sense to me, in some ways at least. But I find it hard to believe. Happiness seems more like magic to me, something that comes and goes on its own.... mysterious, whimsical, incomprehensible, wonderful. Maybe it wouldn't seem so special, if it were something that I had control over. Maybe I don't want control; maybe I prefer magic.

when i turn the lights out in my room, there's a constellation of LEDs shining like stars

i am a beating heart. ka-thump. ka-thump. ka-thump.
i Am a Beating Heart. ka-Thump. ka-Thump. ka-Thump.
i AM a Beating Heart. Ka-Thump. Ka-Thump. Ka-Thump...

i must remember how to fall asleep.
that magical shift between wakefulness and sleep eludes me.
is this normal?