darkoshi

Maybe my body no longer even needs 8 hours of sleep per night. I keep waking up early, even on the weekends when I can sleep in as long as I want. Annoying. It used to be that on at least one night of the weekend, I'd sleep for 10 to 12 hours. Now I barely make it to 8 hours on either night.

Last night I went to bed at 2am. I woke up at 7am to use the bathroom, and then couldn't fall back asleep again, even though I was still yawning and feeling tired. I stayed in bed til 8:30 before giving up on it and getting up.

Near the end of that time, I mentally counted 5 topics that I want to post to my journals about, this being one of them.

My body may be so used to getting up at a certain time, that to get more sleep, I'd have to go to bed earlier even on the weekends. I haven't managed to test that possibility yet, as it would involve *going to bed early*, and furthermore, *on the weekend!* (**but but but the weekend is MY time**).

Come to think of it, 2am is fairly early for me to go to bed on the weekend. Last night, I was thinking I was doing good getting to bed by that time rather than staying up til 4 like sometimes.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/531655.html

Why does me not getting hardly any sleep in a night result in me having a horribly runny nose and allergy symptoms the next day? I'd take some loratadine but I'm afraid it might make me drowsy all weekend like it did last time.

It's been cloudy and rainy and cold all week! Whine!

It's Divali. I shall try to remember to light some candles later this evening.

You know, I was thinking... sometimes you're sitting on the toilet trying to pee, and it takes a moment till you remember you have to relax certain muscles in order for it to happen. But I was thinking that falling asleep is sort of like that too... when you have insomnia, you can't remember which part of your brain it is necessary to relax, in order to fall asleep. Your brain's all tensed up and you can't remember how to let go...

I could transfer all my music CDs to MP3s and get rid of the CDs to free up some space. I was thinking about that, and then decided to hook up the MP3 player I got before the Germany trip to my stereo, to play some music. I couldn't remember where I had put the MP3 player, and had to go looking for it. That's something to be said for CDs - it's a lot harder to misplace a multimedia cabinet full of CDs, compared to a little MP3 player or flash drive.

I put a bunch of songs that I like on that MP3 player. It's so neat being able to play it on random, and to have all these songs which I like play one after the other. None that I want to skip so far.

a tad of insomnia
a dream of mint
a beautiful day
squirrels running across my roof
thump thump thump thump thump.

Aah. Goodness. I think it is a lot easier to fall asleep when one is feeling sad, than when one is feeling good/happy/excited.

If being happy means not being able to fall asleep, I don't know if I can handle it.

I was standing on the scale this morning, watching the dial shake back and forth from my heartbeat.

And if being happy/excited means having a positive attitude, and looking forward to things, how can one but help becoming sad when the things one looks forward to don't end up happening?
And how can one help but thinking, "Why should I continue to believe that good things are going to happen, when they don't? Why should I believe a lie?"

And it seems a lot easier to make oneself sad, than to make oneself happy... perhaps I've gotten into the habit of taking the easy way.

Current Mood: aufgeregt

I've got that heart-thumping can't sleep thing going on again. And it's cold. But at least I haven't gotten any menstrual cramps yet, in spite of having started bleeding.

Work: orbeon oxf ops xpath xpointer xupdate xquery xpl xforms eclipse servlets portlets jetspeed tomcat.... oy. and that's just the ones I can think of right now.
It seemed a bit disturbing to think that I've been going out to eat lunch by that pond for over ten years now. For more than ten years, if you happened to look there on almost any given non-rainy workday around noontime, there I would be...
The trees are ten years older now, even though they don't seem to look much different. I'm ten years older now, and I probably don't seem to look much different either, sitting there, eating, reading, sitting...

I'm considering using lotion on my face, which I've never done. My face seems to have suddenly aged this last year, growing wrinkles, startling me.

I heard Gary Jules' cover of Mad World this morning while driving to work. It's the first new song I've heard in a while which has touched my emotions... although it's an old song, really.

Yesterday was one of the times I didn't feel like crying on my way home from the Munch. And today, it sort of seems I should be sad about something... but I'm excited by it, instead. I've been sad about it enough already, what is there left to be sad about?

I feel alone, even though I'm perhaps less alone than I've been in the past. I feel empty because I remember feeling not-empty, but I'm forgetting the feeling, and I'm afraid of losing that wonderful memory... But I don't want to remember, because it was just a nice illusion, and painful, and it doesn't seem worth remembering. And it makes me not want to take comfort in any other illusions either, so my old fantasy alter-egos don't give me any comfort, and I feel alone.

delayed office openings due to winter storm! icy rain!

if only they could have beamed that info into my brain while i was still sleeping. then i could have known to turn the alarm clock off and go back to sleep instead of getting up and ready for work...

sleep came to me this night at least. even though i still woke up at 4 am for no reason. as if i have jet lag. but i did fall back asleep and dreamt that i was getting up... then the alarm, and the actual getting up...

..

is it normal for labia to swell like little balloons when aroused? is it normal for one of them to swell, and not the other?

dang. i didn't really think it would be that easy for me to get aroused, just having a dom speaking domly to me, online. i wonder if in person it will be more, or less, arousing.

Current Mood: snow! no, okay, no snow. ice!

i am a beating heart. ka-thump. ka-thump. ka-thump.
i Am a Beating Heart. ka-Thump. ka-Thump. ka-Thump.
i AM a Beating Heart. Ka-Thump. Ka-Thump. Ka-Thump...

i must remember how to fall asleep.
that magical shift between wakefulness and sleep eludes me.
is this normal?

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: the thumping of my heart!

can't sleep

had i known sleep would be so difficult, might have gone to bed earlier. but one never knows. less than 2 hours of dreaming. then awake. with an overactive heartbeat beating. a mind pacing back and forth in its skull. thump. thump. thump. awake. awake. awake. valerian drops seem no help. thump. thump. awake. awake.

3 hours after awakening, i give up. get up, open the curtains. sun shines in. i hang 2 small mirrorballs, the pink glass mobile, and the spiky mobile in the window. pretty brights of light twist and twirl around me. i am awake.

i've joined a local bdsm munch-type group on yahoo. yesterday i signed up for an orientation meeting. perhaps that is the reason. perhaps it was too much sugary food eaten late at night. perhaps the need for some early morning sunshine. i do not feel tired. thump. thump. thump. at least i do not feel tired.

Crossposts: http://darkoshi.livejournal.com/481382.html

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Entries tagged with insomnia

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