Darkoshi

I've got that heart-thumping can't sleep thing going on again. And it's cold. But at least I haven't gotten any menstrual cramps yet, in spite of having started bleeding.

Work: orbeon oxf ops xpath xpointer xupdate xquery xpl xforms eclipse servlets portlets jetspeed tomcat.... oy. and that's just the ones I can think of right now.
It seemed a bit disturbing to think that I've been going out to eat lunch by that pond for over ten years now. For more than ten years, if you happened to look there on almost any given non-rainy workday around noontime, there I would be...
The trees are ten years older now, even though they don't seem to look much different. I'm ten years older now, and I probably don't seem to look much different either, sitting there, eating, reading, sitting...

I'm considering using lotion on my face, which I've never done. My face seems to have suddenly aged this last year, growing wrinkles, startling me.

I heard Gary Jules' cover of Mad World this morning while driving to work. It's the first new song I've heard in a while which has touched my emotions... although it's an old song, really.

Yesterday was one of the times I didn't feel like crying on my way home from the Munch. And today, it sort of seems I should be sad about something... but I'm excited by it, instead. I've been sad about it enough already, what is there left to be sad about?

I feel alone, even though I'm perhaps less alone than I've been in the past. I feel empty because I remember feeling not-empty, but I'm forgetting the feeling, and I'm afraid of losing that wonderful memory... But I don't want to remember, because it was just a nice illusion, and painful, and it doesn't seem worth remembering. And it makes me not want to take comfort in any other illusions either, so my old fantasy alter-egos don't give me any comfort, and I feel alone.