Darkoshi

People keep assuming that Qiao and I are married; either calling him my husband, or me his wife. It was a bit amusing at first, and strange, and uncomfortable. But I'm getting resigned/used to it. It doesn't really matter what people think, and it's not worth rebutting.

Perhaps they simply feel it's more polite to refer to someone whom you may or may not be married to as your spouse, rather than to mistakenly call your spouse your boy/girlfriend.

I think I dislike the word "wife" used in reference to me as much as I dislike the word "woman".

I'm now almost halfway thru the Atlas Shrugged book. I still like and dislike the same aspects about it as in the beginning.

I don't understand why, when people get upset about their partners having an affair, it is only or mainly over the aspect of the partner having sex with someone else. The partner can talk to someone else, correspond with them, spend time with them, do non-sexual things together with them, have fun with them, but it's only when there is something sexual involved, that it is considered a big deal or a major problem. Why is it considered such a big deal? If the partner falls in love with someone else, without having sex with them, why is it not considered as significant? Or is it not possible for most people to fall in love without having sex, or without desiring to have sex with the other person?

Parts of the book contrast what sex is like for Hank Reardon with his wife as compared to with his lover. His wife disdains sex, puts up with it as her "duty" to her husband, but tries to keep him from getting pleasure out of it. Whereas his lover enjoys sex, views it in a positive light, and makes it feel wonderful for him. The book describes how wrong the first way is, and how right the other way is. But I feel like I'm more similar to the wife, when it comes to sex, than the lover. I don't have a sex drive, and I don't particularly like sex... The vision of me being a lukewarm, disinterested, dispassionate body in bed doesn't strike me as too far from the truth... so, while I don't try to keep the other person from enjoying sex like the wife, I still feel that I resemble her more than the lover. So why would anyone sexual, especially someone who thinks so highly of that book, want to put up with me? Why does Q? Is it because he doesn't see me the way I see myself? Does he see his own image of me instead? Will that image slowly fade away over time? Does he think I've just repressed any sexual desires I may have as being a bad thing, like the wife did, as opposed to not having them? Does he think I will eventually become un-repressed?

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And why do some of my chigger bumps still itch, and why are some of them getting bigger again even though they were going away before? Does scratching them make them get big again?

I often try to comprehend what role sex plays in a relationship, for sexual people.

There are so many things which indicate that for most sexual men, a relationship without sex is unthinkable; that sex is the most important thing about a relationship to them. Which generally gives me the impression that they are only in a relationship in order to have sex. But a lot of the time, that doesn't seem quite true either.

Perhaps a relationship without sex is to them like a relationship without touch would be to me. I could get some things which I'd need from a relationship, without there being any physical touch, but that one lack would be a large one. I wouldn't choose such a relationship unless there was no chance at a relationship including touch. I would feel the lack of being able to hold hands, lean heads together, hug, etc. Being hugged, and being held, is important to me.

Any relationship just based on touch would not suffice for me - I'd have to be attracted to the other person in the first place, and there'd need to be a certain amount of compatibility. So even though touch is very important, it's not the only important thing, nor necessarily the most important thing.

Boy George is scheduled to perform in Myrtle Beach on July 29, 2008.

It was July 25, 1998 that I went to my first Culture Club concert in Charlotte. Almost exactly a decade ago. It was a very special experience... Starting with the "Behind the Music" episode on Boy George and Culture Club early in 1998, I became enraptured by them, and the concert didn't disappoint me any. There was something about the love-hate relationship between Jon Moss and Boy George that was portrayed on Behind the Music, which fascinated me... and George was inherently fascinating all by himself, too.

I'm not enraptured anymore. I hope BG plays some new songs, and not too many of the old ones.. I'm sort of tired of the old ones... all of the ones I'm familiar with are rather old by now, even the ones that were new a decade ago. But still, there is something magical about George, and a concert should be nice. :)

Ants are building a hill next to and over the water meter cover next to the street. Crawling all over it. That's where the main water shut-off is too, which I wanted to test before installing the new faucet, in case I run into problems with the valves under the sink. Guess I'll have to do something about that. I dislike using *-cides.

Trying to type one-handed while eating a popsickle is difficult and takes the fun out of eating the popsickle. ::goes off to finish popsickle::

I've gotten more used to using the weed-wacker to cut the grass. My arms don't go numb afterwards anymore, and I don't seem to have as much muscle-ache from it. I've also suppressed most of my emotional reaction to chopping up pretty plants and (weed) flowers. The first time, after I noticed myself wacking off the flowers, I felt like crying and quit for the day.

My dad's wife... does one call someone a step-mom, if they married when you were an adult, and you never lived with her while growing up?... kindly offered that they would pay for me to buy a washing machine for the house.

Yesterday, I washed 3 loads of laundry at Forestfen's, and hung it out to dry there. Then went grocery shopping and returned to pick up the clothes and some other items. All well and good except that I overlooked one bag of clean folded sheets and towels when leaving.

There are a lot of nice chirpy birds around here. The roosters still haven't returned. I hope they are off happy in the countryside somewhere, and not being used as gamecocks, and not killed for dinner, and not confiscated and killed by animal control officers. Or whatever other unpleasant things might happen to cute little roosters.

I watched the DVD, Caligula, last week. There was the sound of a rooster crowing in the movie, which made me perk my ear for a moment, til I realized that it was the movie. From the description of the movie, I thought it might be interesting to watch, to see what "porn" is like. Other than the background music to the DVD's menu, I didn't like the movie, though. If that is what all porn is like.... uggh! Even without the gruesome cruelty, maiming, and killing parts, the sex scenes on their own seemed gross to me. Or at the least, boring and distasteful. It makes sex seem totally ugsome, like it seemed when I was younger. And what is with the horrid female giggling sounds during the orgies... was that done to add to the movie's sinister-ness, or do straight guys find that erotic?

The calluses on my palms keep getting thicker, even after I try to trim them off with a razor blade.

Somebody and somebody broke up, and I wish they hadn't. But then, I don't want people to be unhappy, and if they weren't right for each other.... Sigh. And what about me? I don't know.

One of the bedrooms has a slight, pungent odor which bothers me. I can't figure out what it is coming from.

My kitchen cabinets are rather full. Even though I'm trying to maintain the mentality of having enough items to feed myself until the next time I go shopping, as opposed to the mentality of having all the items to cook anything I might ever possibly desire to cook.

I've decided that the label "submissive" really doesn't fit me well. Rather, I'm a bottom with some submissive tendencies who enjoys psychological D/s play. Not as easy to say, but... better descriptive.

I don't want D/s to be the basis or crux of a relationship. I want friendship, partnership, companionship, and affection to be the basis. But I like D/s as play, as something fun, something which affects me strongly and makes me feel good. I believe I even need it, to enjoy a relationship. When I say "play", I don't mean it can't be serious, and significant, and even painful at times. But I don't see myself as being constantly submissive. As part of the play, I might even want to act rebellious sometimes. But sometimes, I might not want to play at all.

I don't want someone who will treat me like a sub all the time, but I do want someone who might treat me like a sub at any time.

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I want to be loved for who I am.

When I close my eyes at night, I want to feel sheltered by someone's concern and affection for me.

When I wake, I want to feel that the care & concern & affection is real and tangible, not just something I pretended/invented in order to fall comfortably asleep.

I want to love someone for who they are, not just for the affection they show me.

I want someone who can inspire that wonderfully euphoric feeling in me that has something to do with D/s.

I want someone with whom I can feel comforted by their physical touch and presence at least as often as I resort to comforting myself by thinking about it when I am alone.

In other words, I want to spend more time with my partner, than I spend yearning to be with them. But I guess there would need to be some times of yearning, in order for me to recognize how much they mean to me.

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I was trying to think of the word to describe a particular relationship, like between my master/soulmate and me in one of my fantasies. The kind of relationship where the one has power over the other... in the fantasy, it was absolute power - life & death; power to read my thoughts and emotions; etc. In real life, I guess it could be a lesser power... But where, like in the fantasy, the other person can look at me (straight through me) in a way that makes my insides drop... makes me lose balance, feeling that power of theirs over me. A wonderful feeling of belonging, of fear, of excitement, of acknowledging their power over me.

I can't think of the word for describing that particular kind of relationship.
Disciple, no. Minion, no. Dominant/submissive, not necessarily. Master/slave, no.
Master/something... maybe. Master/pupil, not necessarily.

When I was young, I used to envision master/apprentice relationships as that kind of relationship. I had read books about apprentices where the master even had the power to have the apprentice put to death, if they were displeased enough with them. And then there was Star Wars, where Darth Vader was the Emperor's apprentice... oh, that was so cool.
But nowadays, the term apprentice just means to me someone who is being taught things. It doesn't so much imply the master having power over the student.

And for the relationship I'm trying to think of the word for, the "master" wouldn't necessarily even have to be teaching the other person anything. It wouldn't even need to be a consensual power-exchange relationship, just one where the one person has some kind of significant power over the other. Such as a captor and captive. It seems like there should be some word for that. Maybe it will come to me.

Here's an old post I was searching back for. A bit over 3 years ago. I've come pretty far since then. I suppose, anyway. Not really any more optimistic than I used to be. But at least then I had a vague idea what I was seeking - "exploration of nonsexual BDSM experiences".
Now, I don't know anymore. Or maybe I'm just in a funk, right? Yeah. Funkydelic.

Oh yes, and speaking of years, I was counting them today, and...
I've been a vegetarian for 19 and a half years. Vegan for 19 years. Whew.

I feel like... I don't know what turns me on, anymore. And how can I know what kind of relationship I want, if I don't even know what turns me on?
The things that were exciting/arousing for me on the past, maybe they'd just turn me off, now. Or maybe they would still work in a good way. But I don't know. Maybe nothing would work in a good way for me, anymore.

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I got a voicemail on my cell. It was phone-spam. In Spanish.

I've been email-chatting a bit with someone. He seems interesting so far. Hmmm, but he didn't answer my question about whether or not he smokes. Hmmm.

Sigh.

It snowed a bit this morning, in between the rain.

I like climbing stairs. In the mornings at work, sometimes I walk up to the 4th floor and then back down on the other side to the 2nd, where my cube is. It helps to warm me up when it is cold outside; gets my circulation going. There's a board up on the 4th floor on which someone writes a different inspiring quote each day...

The optimistic person says, "I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way!"

I'm a pessimist, and think, "I don't know where I'm going, and what difference does it make, anyway."

Some Doms say they don't punish their subs for disobedience; that their subs should want to obey them on their own, and if they don't obey, the Dom doesn't want to have to force them to do so... and that eventually, if the sub keeps being disobedient, that the Dom would just look for someone else who did want to obey them.

I don't desire to be obedient to a Dom mainly in order to please them. I do have a desire to please, but my desire to submit and to be obedient to a Dom is more due to the erotic stimulation I feel from it, and from knowing that I'll be punished for disobedience.

It might be nice too, to know that it wouldn't actually be so bad for me to be disobedient, because my Dom would enjoy having a reason to punish me, and would enjoy having an opportunity to try to convince me that I shouldn't disobey again.

If I feel that I won't be punished... or that the Dom will punish me, but won't personally enjoy doing so... that they wouldn't get any erotic stimulation or any mental pleasure from it like I would... then I would not have much desire to continue obeying the Dom or being in a D/s relationship with them, since I wouldn't be getting one of the main things I was seeking in such a relationship.

If my main desire were to please, I could just get into a vanilla relationship with someone. I'm sure there are lots of people who would be happy to have their partner doing all kinds of things just in order to please them. But I have no desire at all for a relationship like that. I don't desire to please other people so much so that I would devote my time to pleasing them instead of doing things which I would get more personal enjoyment from.

There's something about being told to do things which are difficult for me... And there's something about knowing that there will be unpleasant consequences for disobedience... There's something about the idea of this kind of relationship, that I associate with mutual affection and with there being strong, deep bonds between me and the other person.

Someone once commented that for different people, different things make them feel loved. (And different people have different ways of showing their love and affection.) And that if these things don't match up for 2 people in a relationship, that they'll end up feeling frustrated and unhappy.

I don't have much experience with being punished in real life. I can't be sure that I will feel the same way about it in reality as I do when I think about it. And there are a lot of other factors that would also influence how I'd feel about being in a relationship with someone.

I do remember one experience while I was a teen, which thrilled me. It was during a Tae Kwon Do lesson, when I had gotten frustrated over something, to the point of rebellion... that sudden moment when I turned around and saw my Tae Kwon Do instructor watching me *not doing* what I was supposed to be doing.
A moment of surprise, self-consciousness, annoyance, embarrassment, acceptance... an overall magic feeling... and later, after the lesson was over, while running the laps he had assigned me as punishment/penance, I felt amused and somewhat gleeful too. And aroused in some ways, although I didn't recognize that for what it was, back then.

It seems like most people in D/s relationships have a 24/7 master/slave type thing going on. That's all people seem to ever talk about. Either that, or people who just mostly enjoy topping or bottoming, who mainly enjoy the physical play. And when people talk about being submissive, or about being a sub, it seems like the viewpoints expressed are always about how the sub's main duty and desire is, or should be, to obey and please their dom. That the sub gets their enjoyment from pleasing the dom, and/or from being taken care of and not needing to be in charge, trusting the dom enough to let the dom make all the decisions, etc.

Maybe I have different personas, different aspects to my personality. One of my personas may well desire to be an obedient sub, and to please a dom... A childish persona, perhaps. Sometimes thinking about this can be sexually arousing. And sometimes it can be comforting, thinking of having someone else in charge of everything. But I can't envision being that person all of the time. It disturbs me, thinking of letting someone else be in charge of everything in my life... of always being obedient... of being a soft, passive person like that, handing everything over to someone else... I can't imagine anyone being so very compatible with me that I would agree with or enjoy everything they did; don't think I could like or trust anyone totally like that; so the idea of being completely submissive to someone, all the time, becomes repugnant, because I'd be doing things for someone whose interests and desires I can't envision being the same as my own.

Maybe one of my personas is an independent-type person who wants to make my own choices, and not submit. I don't get any sexual charge from this; it just seems practical and convenient. And dignified. And I get to do what I want. And to feel strong and adult-like. There is an aesthetic ideal to being strong and independent. A warrior persona perhaps.

And maybe one of my personas wants to be under someone else's control, but doesn't want to give in willingly, but wants to be forced. A rebel persona, perhaps, or a combination of the child and the warrior. This is the state of mind I tend to feel when having elaborate fantasies. This tends to be what most arouses me. It doesn't have much to do with real-life situations, at all.

I don't know what kind of a real-life D/s relationship I would enjoy. I don't think I would enjoy being willingly submissive to someone 24/7. I don't think I would enjoy letting someone else be in charge all the time (even though that can be arousing to fantasize about... yet fantasies, by their nature, are an occasional thing, not 24/7, even when the fantasy is about it being 24/7.)

The main desire I have for being in a relationship, seems to be for being able to feel those sexual feelings... those fun, exciting, giggly, good feelings. Of course, I'd also like to have someone important to me, whom I liked, and who liked me, to share my life with, too... but I don't think that I'd really have much desire to spend time with someone like that, unless they made me feel those special feelings in the first place. Otherwise I would get bored eventually, and why bother being with someone else when it's easier and more convenient to be alone?

Yet the thought of only being submissive to someone at certain times, like for play-sessions, like being more of a top and bottom as opposed to a dom and sub, doesn't seem to have very much sexual charge for me. In real-life a dom can't really FORCE the sub to do things... the sub has to willingly comply... otherwise it isn't really a D/s relationship but instead an abusive one... and I don't fantasize about really being forced to do things in real-life, completely against my will...

So how can I express my most sexual persona, the one that gets aroused from the idea of being forced to submit, as well as my other personas, in real-life? I just don't see much possibility for it. Other doms and subs seem to have a disdain for people who call themselves submissive, but who need to be forced into submitting. They seem to all think the joy should come from the submission itself... Being disobedient or rebellious is viewed as a bad thing, and as a sign that you aren't really submissive. And I can understand doms being put off by the idea of a disobedient, rebellious sub. And I can't really imagine being very disobedient or rebellious in real-life, because if I had a dom, I would want to please them, and would feel bad from displeasing them.

Anyway. What I mean is that I just don't feel much optimism for finding a satisfying relationship with anyone. Even the people in the BDSM groups I have met or read about, seem for the most part, very different from me. And it gets depressing and annoying, and sometimes boring, going to meetings and reading postings, and having everyone seem to be so very different from me. And after the meetings, I often wonder if I shouldn't go anymore... there doesn't seem to be any point to it, not even taking into account the bad feelings I get from my being so unsociable at the meetings. But then when the next meeting comes along, I feel like I might as well go, since not going won't gain me anything either. Perhaps I still have some stupid optimistic hope that hasn't been totally crushed yet.

So those are just some of my confused meandering thoughts.