(no subject)

[darkoshi]

For a large part of my life, I wasn't particularly happy, but I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, because I could not envision how being involved with anyone else in a relationship-way could make me happy either. I couldn't envision being involved with anyone.

Then for a while, I had this idea... about finding someone compatible with me, with whom a relationship would be desirable. I'm not sure what I was envisioning, but I must have seen some possibility in it.

Now, I still desire a relationship, but I'm losing that vision.... of how anyone could be compatible with me. I don't know what it would take, for someone to be compatible with me. I don't know what I want or what I need or what would make me happy. So how can I envision anyone who is what I want, or what I need, or who could make me happy? And if I can't envision it... how can I look for it? I feel sometimes like I'm reverting back to how I used to be... except I still have a desire for closeness, for love, even though I can't imagine it. I can imagine bits and pieces, but I can't put them together into a whole that doesn't fall apart.