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Thoughts from a few days ago... and which I want to think some more about when I have time.
.
When I think of a relationship between a Top and a bottom, I think of it as a series of temporary scenes. In between scenes, they are equals, and there is no D/s between them. I generally think of the scenes themselves as being mainly physical play, as opposed to containing D/s elements, although I suppose there could be the latter as well. And I think of each scene as being mutually consented to before-hand. If either party is not in the mood for it, then the scene simply does not happen.
When I think of a relationship between a Dom and a sub (assuming that they are in a D/s relationship with each other), I think of it as a 24/7 thing. Once the sub agrees to the relationship, it implies consent to any "scene" the Dom wants to initiate, as long as no limits are broken. Basically, any time the Dom tells the sub to do something, or any time the sub does an assigned task, it could be considered a "scene" from my viewpoint. The sub is not asked first if they feel like partaking in a scene or not; it just happens.
The idea of having a Dom, and having the Dom always being in charge, is erotic for me. But could I find that erotic in real life, or is it something that's only erotic to fantasize about? It wouldn't really be erotic, if I weren't in the mood for it, or would it? And it wouldn't really be erotic, if the Dom were wanting me to do things which I have issues with (and there are so many things which I have issues with), would it? Or, it might be somewhat erotic in the beginning, but it couldn't stay erotic for long, could it?
Would it be possible to have a D/s relationship, and have it not be 24/7, but rather more like a Top/bottom relationship - a series of temporary scenes? In between scenes, the Dom and sub would treat each other as equals. Could a relationship like that be erotic for me, or would I not be able to get into a D/s headspace with someone, if I had that much control - always being able to say yes or no to each scene?
If I could choose whether or not to agree to each scene, then there would be no reason for me to agree to scenes which I did not think I would enjoy. Even if I did agree to such scenes, they would not be erotic for me, simply because I willingly chose to do them; there would be no feeling of being controlled; no feeling of being under the Dom's control, of being subject to the Dom's whims and desires.
So even for any scenes which weren't otherwise objectionable, and which I did agree to, I don't think I would have the right mindset for me to enjoy the D/s interactions. I would not feel subby. It would not feel erotic.
For me to be in a successful 24/7 D/s relationship with a Dom, we would need to be well-matched.
- The Dom would need to seem worthy enough of my respect. We would need to have similar (or compatible) views on key issues - political, religious, philosophical, etc. - for me to *want* to be their sub; for me *not* to feel conflicted about choosing to submit to them in an ongoing basis.
- The Dom would need to not tell me to do things which I dislike or am uncomfortable with, too often. Because eventually, whenever I was not in the mood, these things would not be erotic for me, and would be unpleasant and make me question the relationship and why I was putting up with it.
- Yet there would need to be some cases where the Dom had me do things which I was uncomfortable with, or disliked. Because otherwise, I would not really feel that they were in control of me. And the relationship would no longer seem as erotic for me.
As a sub, for me to feel good in a D/s relationship, I need to...
- have respect for the Dom
- feel a good chemistry between us
- not feel despondent about the future
- be in the mood for it ??
.
When I think of a relationship between a Top and a bottom, I think of it as a series of temporary scenes. In between scenes, they are equals, and there is no D/s between them. I generally think of the scenes themselves as being mainly physical play, as opposed to containing D/s elements, although I suppose there could be the latter as well. And I think of each scene as being mutually consented to before-hand. If either party is not in the mood for it, then the scene simply does not happen.
When I think of a relationship between a Dom and a sub (assuming that they are in a D/s relationship with each other), I think of it as a 24/7 thing. Once the sub agrees to the relationship, it implies consent to any "scene" the Dom wants to initiate, as long as no limits are broken. Basically, any time the Dom tells the sub to do something, or any time the sub does an assigned task, it could be considered a "scene" from my viewpoint. The sub is not asked first if they feel like partaking in a scene or not; it just happens.
The idea of having a Dom, and having the Dom always being in charge, is erotic for me. But could I find that erotic in real life, or is it something that's only erotic to fantasize about? It wouldn't really be erotic, if I weren't in the mood for it, or would it? And it wouldn't really be erotic, if the Dom were wanting me to do things which I have issues with (and there are so many things which I have issues with), would it? Or, it might be somewhat erotic in the beginning, but it couldn't stay erotic for long, could it?
Would it be possible to have a D/s relationship, and have it not be 24/7, but rather more like a Top/bottom relationship - a series of temporary scenes? In between scenes, the Dom and sub would treat each other as equals. Could a relationship like that be erotic for me, or would I not be able to get into a D/s headspace with someone, if I had that much control - always being able to say yes or no to each scene?
If I could choose whether or not to agree to each scene, then there would be no reason for me to agree to scenes which I did not think I would enjoy. Even if I did agree to such scenes, they would not be erotic for me, simply because I willingly chose to do them; there would be no feeling of being controlled; no feeling of being under the Dom's control, of being subject to the Dom's whims and desires.
So even for any scenes which weren't otherwise objectionable, and which I did agree to, I don't think I would have the right mindset for me to enjoy the D/s interactions. I would not feel subby. It would not feel erotic.
For me to be in a successful 24/7 D/s relationship with a Dom, we would need to be well-matched.
- The Dom would need to seem worthy enough of my respect. We would need to have similar (or compatible) views on key issues - political, religious, philosophical, etc. - for me to *want* to be their sub; for me *not* to feel conflicted about choosing to submit to them in an ongoing basis.
- The Dom would need to not tell me to do things which I dislike or am uncomfortable with, too often. Because eventually, whenever I was not in the mood, these things would not be erotic for me, and would be unpleasant and make me question the relationship and why I was putting up with it.
- Yet there would need to be some cases where the Dom had me do things which I was uncomfortable with, or disliked. Because otherwise, I would not really feel that they were in control of me. And the relationship would no longer seem as erotic for me.
As a sub, for me to feel good in a D/s relationship, I need to...
- have respect for the Dom
- feel a good chemistry between us
- not feel despondent about the future
- be in the mood for it ??
thoughts continued.
Date: 2007-02-15 12:59 pm (UTC)From:I do like pleasing people. And I do want people to like me. And I am willing to do things, to a certain extent, to please people, because I like people being happy and I like being able to do little things to make them a bit happier. But I don't want to feel that a person only likes me because I am doing things for them. I don't want to try to please a person in order to MAKE them like me. I don't want that to be the basis of a relationship with someone. It is not satisfying enough for me. And eventually, I would get tired of doing things for the other person. Why should I serve someone else, when it isn't even erotic for me?
In the situation with Person 3, I had to put effort into being able to see our relationship from an aspect that would make it erotic for me. Occasionally, I could. The idea of being a sub and doing things to please my dom, and having the Dom be able to get me to do what they want, isn't entirely without eroticism for me. But it wasn't enough. And I felt like we did not click - even when I was able to feel good about something, I did not get the feeling that he thought of it in a likewise fashion. It felt partially imaginary to me - just another fantasy in my head that did not really reflect reality.