Darkoshi

When I hear accounts of abductions such as this one, I'm intensely appalled but also darkly fascinated. I feel pulled to learn more of the story, more details. (A part of this I think, is that my own fantasies tend to revolve around bondage and torture and such.)

In a similar way, I'm both fascinated and repulsed by accounts of the Nazis and the Holocaust, and other sordid incidents from history and recent times.

Yet I've learned (somewhat) to avoid reading/listening/watching those kind of things, due to the deeply negative impact they have on my emotions.

When I do start paying attention, reading, digging into the details, then my mind has a very hard time letting go of it. The horror stays with me, and my mind keeps dwelling on it, over and over again, and everything starts to feel very grim. I know that the world is full of other horrors too, not just that one, and all the horrors are too much to bear. How can anyone stand to live in such a horrible world full of horrible people and horrible situations?

It often takes several days for these feelings to start fading away again, and to get distance from them.

So, when I first heard about that particular abduction 2 years ago, I didn't dig into the details.

But while driving home last week, there was an NPR radio piece with an interview with 2 of the survivors, and I listened to it. Then I got home and turned it off, and avoided researching more of the story even though my mind had plenty of questions about it.

With these kind of sexual abductions, it's nearly always females that are the victims, and males that are the perpetrators. This gets me so angry, so disgusted. Men preying on women and girls, over and over again, all around the world, all throughout history.

In some countries, this kind of thing isn't even necessarily considered a crime. Husbands locking up their wives, beating them, raping them... these women, even if they escape, can't just call 911 and be saved. There's no place for them to go. In some places, women aren't even allowed to go out in public without a male escort.

And then there are things like Gamergate and online trolls and street harassment. Lesser evils, but still, largely men preying on women. So damn disgusting.

It was also my foster sister's birthday last week. I stopped by her house in the evening to visit. She happened to have a movie playing on the TV in the background which seemed to be about some girl who had been abducted by some bearded guy. It had the quality of an old movie from the 70s. I did my best to ignore it while chatting with my sister. At one point she exclaimed "Is he torturing her?! He is!". I continued to ignore it. With my back turned to the TV, it was actually pretty easy to ignore. I only saw a few brief glimpses of it, and the volume was low enough that I didn't consciously hear any of the dialog. I thought I heard the name of the girl one time, though - "Amanda Bean". After leaving my sister's house, I put it out of my mind.

On Saturday, I watched the Iranian movie "Taste of Cherry". It's about a man who has decided to kill himself. I found the movie likeable, yet not very uplifting. Most of the scenes in the movie seemed quite bleak. Overall, it was neither a downer nor an upper. It was interesting and gave me a few things to think about.

On Sunday, I was feeling rather down - still partially related to the NPR show and thoughts around that. I did something unusual that day - I went outside and laid down on the concrete driveway, in the sunshine. If the dogs can enjoy the sunshine like that, why shouldn't I? I dozed, feeling the warmth, watching the sky, listening to the breeze. Getting some Vitamin D. Supposed to be good for you, against depression. Supposed to make you feel better.

It didn't make the world seem any less horrible, but it was relaxing. I finally got up and went back inside, as Qiao and I were going to take my mom out to eat for Mother's Day.

In the car, driving to the restaurant, guess what topic my mom starts talking about? She had been watching a movie the other day, about some girls who had been abducted. (I'm thinking, really? Is she really talking about this? For Mother's Day??? Why am I being hounded by that topic?) I don't know if she saw the same movie my sister was watching or some different one... what she described was girls being abducted as toddlers and held captive, but actually not being mistreated. It sounded odd.

Then she mentioned again about how I had nearly been abducted when I was a toddler. Some guy had taken my hand in the subway station and started walking away with me. She had lost track of me for that moment, then ran after me in a panic and pulled me away from the guy.

In the car, she patted my shoulder and commented on how lucky she/I was, that he didn't get away with me. I gritted my teeth in silence and waited for the topic to change.

When I got home afterwards, I was again curious. What movie had my mom been watching, and was it the same one my sister had been watching?

I found no abduction-related results for the name Amanda Bean. Yet Lifetime recently premiered a movie about the Cleveland abduction, one of the survivors of whom was Amanda Berry. So maybe that is what my sister was watching after all.

Then I read a few news articles and the Wikipedia page about that case. Just a few pages to answer a few questions in my mind. I'm not going to watch the movie or read the book, if there is one. I don't want to know all the details.

And then last night, I even dreamt about it too. Fer gawd's sake.

Can it get out of my head now? Can it?? I debated writing a post about this, as writing about it requires thinking about it.

But a part of what I wanted to write about, is that I think it is a sign of a depressed or dysthymic mind, in how the mind can't easily let go of topics like that. How those unpleasant thoughts keep repeating themselves again and again, making you feel worse and worse. Whereas good thoughts come and go, and don't stay and don't particularly make you feel better.

Tonight, Qiao watched 2 Criminal Minds episodes. One about some guy killing people by driving them down, and another about a guy killing people with anthrax. Those didn't bother me at all. They seem like pure fiction. (I guess that must be how it feels for other people when they watch movies about things that affect me so badly, as otherwise why would anyone want to watch those kind of movies?)

Those kind of topics aren't triggering for me, whereas many other topics are triggering for me.

(Video) Things you may not know about Dysthymia : In the DSM 5, dysthymic disorder is now called persistent depressive disorder. Mentions some supplements (other than the commonly mentioned ones) which may help: DHEA (Dehydroepiandrosterone), SAM-e (S-Adenosyl methionine), Inositol. One of the comments also mentions 5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan).

(Video) Depression is a disease of civilization: Stephen Ilardi at TEDxEmory : Mentions treating depression with exercise, sunlight, adequate sleep, friendships, and omega-3 fatty acids. Specifically, EPA (Eicosapentaenoic acid) and DHA (Docosahexaenoic acid). Recommends 1000 to 2000 mg of EPA (or combined?) per day. Mentions it can also help with other inflammatory conditions like tendonitis and dry eye.

(So increasing my omega-3 consumption might be good for both my mental state and my eye problem.)

How too much omega-6 and not enough omega-3 is making us sick : about how the amount of omega-6 you consume influences how much omega-3 you have to consume for it to be effective. Recommends reducing omega-6 intake. (His other articles indicate that consuming too much of both can be bad too.)

DHA/EPA, Omega 3's and Vegans

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My eye doctor prescribed me antibiotic eye drops (Azasite) and pills (doxycycline), not for the antibiotic properties, but rather to help reduce the inflammation / swelling in my eyelid. It somewhat bothers me that he prescribes antibiotics in this way. It seems like there ought to be non-antibiotic anti-inflammatory agents that should work as well. But apparently this is a common treatment.

Hordeolum and Chalazion -
The role of meibomian disease and contemporary management :
"Oral treatments including doxycycline and tetracycline are additional leading offlabel treatments for blepharitis. The presumed mechanism of action is an anti-inflammatory effect on matrix metallopeptidase 9 (MMP-9) activity within both the gland and meibum itself.
...
Recently, topical azithromycin (Azasite; Inspire Pharmaceuticals, Inc.) has emerged as an alternative topical off-label treatment for blepharitis due to the agent’s proposed anti-inflammatory (MMP-9) and anti-infective effects."

(Transcriptions of 2 videos I posted in August 2010. Slightly edited for readability.)

[Dysthymia - or Not? Part 1]

I think I have what can be called dysthymia.
There's another word, 'anhedonia', which might also apply.

Dysthymia is like a low-level depression that's with you for years and years and years.
You can still live a fairly normal life, but you don't enjoy things.
At least, that's my take on it.

Anhedonia is like, when you can't experience pleasure.

Now in regards to depression...
I think I've felt depressed at certain times of my life.
I remember waking up in the morning and just feeling a great sense of dread about having to continue living
and going through the motions, and it all seemed very unpleasant and difficult and pointless,
and there was a lot more emotional pain, direct emotional pain, just that constant feeling...

But anyway, dysthymia isn't having that constant emotional pain,
and it's not like I can't get up in the morning and do things and go to work...
it's just... life seems dull, no matter what I do.

I don't really get excited about things.
I don't feel like I want - really want - to do anything.
There's nothing I want to do with my life, because nothing brings me joy.

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When I look at other people, their lives don't seem better than mine,
and a lot of times, they don't seem any happier than me.

So sometimes I wonder, is this just a normal state of being?
Maybe this is just normal, and me thinking I have dysthymia is just bullshit. Who knows.
Maybe life just really sucks this bad.

When I look at my guy-friend, he doesn't seem emotionally any different than me.
His life doesn't seem exciting or wonderful, and yet he says he enjoys being alive.
Whereas with me, it [being alive] doesn't really make a difference one way or the other.
The only reason I don't want to drop dead this instant, is the hope - the only hope that I have, really -
that I might stop feeling this way, and that all of the sudden, things will be more fun.

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I'm going on a trip next week, and my mom asked me, "Are you excited?" or "Are you excited yet?".

But I'm not really excited about the trip; it's just something I've decided to do.
I'm sure it will be interesting, getting out, seeing different things, seeing people I haven't seen in a while,
but I more dread it than I'm excited by it, because I sort of dread the long trip sitting in a car...
just like I would dread a long a trip sitting in an airplane, or sitting in airports,
not having the comfort of my home; being in close proximity to other people for days on end, possibly.

But one should be excited. One should be excited about the things one wants to do.
One should want to do things!

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I can't really remember when this started with me,
because it's been this way for so long; I'm just so used to it.

When I was a child, 7 years, 8 years, 9, 10 maybe even... 11, 12.. who knows,
I did get excited about going on trips; I did look forward to them.
The idea of travelling to places was something I... I wanted to travel...

I always thought when I got older, I'd still want to travel...
because it was nice going to places with beaches and hiking trails and warm weather and whatnot... foreign languages.

But now, beyond it being possibly something new for me to see,
travelling is not something that I think would give me any joy; it's just something to do.

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I wrote a LiveJournal entry a few weeks ago, where I was trying to think about memories that used to seem like good memories,
because I don't seem to have been building any new good memories, since I've been a child.
Now my memories are blasé...
Now, does that mean that I've felt this way, my entire adulthood?
Or does it just mean that I don't *remember* feeling better?
Maybe I felt better, but I just don't remember it?
It's hard to tell.

Sometimes counsellors or meditators or whoever will say things like,
"Try to think of a happy event; a happy moment; something that makes you feel good".
But I can't think of anything like that.

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About 6 years ago, I started interacting in some online and real-time BDSM groups.
I became infatuated with this one guy. And then that ended.
And I became infatuated with another guy. And then that ended.
And then I met my current guy-friend, and in the beginning,
there were some sort of feelings of infatuation or being very attracted to him, as well.
Now during that stage, at the moment in time when I was feeling that way, I felt sort of good, sort of excited,
yet my overall outlook was not changed.

[ie., the world in general still seemed like a very unpleasant place. Life still did not feel like it had any meaning to me. I was feeling very strong emotions at the time, but there were at least as many bad feelings, as good feelings.]

It is possible for me to get excited.
Like when I saw 3 cop-cars with their lights flashing and sirens blasting
going down my street chasing a truck,
and then coming down another street and still chasing it.

That was exciting to watch. It was unusual, like, "Huh, what's going on?"

But that kind of excitement is not like feeling, "Oh yes, I'm enjoying being alive; this is fun.
Tomorrow's going to be fun... or next week or next month..."

[ie., I feel excitement, but not happiness.]

I don't know what's going to be fun, or if anything is going to be fun, or what I would even call fun.

I can't think of anyone else whose life I would want to have,
because nobody else's life looks like fun to me either.

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Last year I went to a psychiatrist,
because I wanted to try out some antidepressants to see if that would make any difference.
I think I ended up trying 3 different kinds.

They didn't make me feel any better.
They just had lousy side-effects.
The one I liked the most, was basically because it had the fewest side-effects.
But I didn't feel better on them.
And I took them... each one; I forget how long it was.. 4 weeks / 6 weeks?
However long it was, the psychiatrist said, well if it was going to work, it should have made *some* difference by now.
And when it didn't, that's when he switched me to a different one, and then to a different one,
and then by the end of the 3rd one, I felt like,
"This isn't working. I'm going to take a break," because all the side-effects were really getting to me.

So, I don't know what to do, to feel better.
It's like I.. it's something I think about, but it's like... There is no answer.
You know, I can read books [ie. self-help books]; I can try to change my outlook, but I don't really expect that to make any difference.

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[Dysthymia - or Not? Part 2 ]


Now, it's not like I'm not ever motivated to do anything.

I mean, a lot of times, just like now, making this video,
I get it in my mind that I want to do something, and I do it.
And sometimes I get a little kick out of having done it.
Like having posted a video, or having cleaned up the room,
or having fixed something.

But afterwards I look on it, and it's like, "that was that".
It didn't make life enjoyable; it was just something to do.
Like... Like I might eat something that tastes good... It's all very superficial to me.

Sometimes I start feeling very sad, just like anyone else... or maybe more so, I don't know.
I cry... just because of life...
I really try not to think about it, because it is so sad,
just thinking about life going on and on, and not being any fun; just being dull and tedious and whatnot.

Like I said; maybe this is just a normal state of being... It's just, something's missing.

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In that LiveJournal entry, I was thinking about when I was young, and when things seemed fun and exciting and enjoyable,
how it's like I was almost having a fantasy in my mind,
and it was sort of overlaying my actions or experiences in the real world.

Sometimes I was more in that fantasy world,
you know, things going on in my head, sort of like in a fantasy...
and those were the experiences of life that I enjoyed most!
When I was back into the "real world", that's when things were like dull, boring.

The only difference perhaps, between then and now, is that I don't have that fantasy world anymore.
So maybe I was never normal to begin with.
Or does everyone else have a fantasy world in their head?
And the problem is that I seem to have lost it?
I don't know.

It's something like magic; it's like belief that there's something more than just whatever you see and feel and hear...
and it's that other stuff that makes life seem exciting and special.

Like perhaps, //is there something special about my life//
//what would make this world special for *me*?//
//what makes it *my* world, my exciting world?//

I think I had that when I was a kid, but I don't now.
It's just this place I'm stuck in,
and it doesn't make a difference whether I exist or not, because there's nothing good in it for *me*.

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Maybe I'm just normal, and the problem is that I don't do enough exciting things.
Maybe I'm just a stick-in-the-mud who stays home all the time
and doesn't... who's afraid of going out and meeting people.
Maybe that's why life is dull. Maybe I just need to do more exciting things, right?
Like, when I was meeting people originally in the BDSM community.

The problem is... I can't think of anything that would be fun, so I have no motivation to do it.

So that makes me wonder, am I afraid of something?
And is this just all a cover? Do I tell myself that something isn't fun because I'm afraid really?
And what am I afraid of, if so?

Ok, for one thing, people are so very different from me,
and I can't seem to really make friends with people,
but then again I don't really want to...

I mean, in a fantasy world, yeah I want to have friends; I want...

But in the real world, it's like I meet people, and I have no desire really to continue interacting with them.
Except for the people who I've been infatuated with, the few... 1, 2, 3 people like that,
or people here and there who seem interesting, but it really doesn't go beyond that,
so I don't really get any big desire to be more friends with them either.

I mean, it's hard to have relationships when your sexuality is so different from everyone else's.
Like, sexuality seems to be important to other people, or sex does.
For me, it's something that happens in the head, and happens in specific situations, and doesn't really deal with having sex.
And so, I haven't found anyone else who is compatible in that way.

And now, I think I've even lost my sexuality,
because I can't even imagine anything really turning me on like it used to.
It's like "Been there, done that, didn't work; I don't believe in it anymore."
So it's like I don't know what to believe, and I don't have anything to believe in.

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New Police Strategy in New York – Sexual Assault Against Peaceful Protestors

Interesting police tactic... provoke protestors into attacking them or defending each other, so that the police will have "reason" to use force and arrest them.

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I think that having a police force is generally necessary. And I think there are probably a lot of good police officers doing good work in many places, which one doesn't hear much about. But the more I hear, read, and experience, the more I feel that police and law-enforcement are at best, of not much use, and at worst, dangerous thugs to be avoided.

(That's not very different from my default view of humans, actually. It's not until I get to know people that I start thinking they may be nice, interesting, etc. But even then,... different topic.)


I grew up with the viewpoint that police are a force of good, there to fight crime and help people. That if you were the victim of a crime or a witness, that you should report it, and that the police would then proceed to take care of the problem (to the best of their ability).

Now, I'm finding myself agreeing with the viewpoint of Lisbeth Salander in the Dragon Tattoo books - that one may as well take matters into one's own hands rather than relying on the police to protect you.

If you're the victim of a crime, sure, the police may come to take a report. And they may go through some motions of looking into the problem. But is anything good going to come of it? Probably not. In the unlikely event that the perpetrator of the crime is identified, caught, convicted and incarcerated, they'll eventually get out of prison and most likely still be a potential future threat to you and other people. One may as well stock up on self-defense weapons, locks, surveillance cameras and alarms - in fact (::nudging self::), one should do that to begin with, not after the fact.

If you're not the victim of a crime, the only interactions you're likely to have with the police are ones where from the police's viewpoint, you're the suspect of a crime or an adversary in some way. In that scenario, the police are even more dangerous than regular criminals, because legally, it seems that you're not even allowed to physically defend yourself from the police. Criminals can't legally lock you in jail like police can.

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Gah. I already avoid watching the news, to avoid getting into more of a funk than I already am. I need, really NEED to stop myself from reading web pages like that too. I have this urge to "know about things" that are going on in the world. But there's no POINT for me in being aware of bad things going on in the world. It doesn't improve my life in any way. I NEED to stick my head in the sand, even though doing that doesn't make life feel any better. Reading about bad things going on in the world just wastes my time and makes me feel worse.

Even writing entries like these just wastes my time and doesn't improve my life in any way.

Every f*ing thing about life just wastes my time.

Time which has no better use anyway, than to be wasted.

But I should at least try to avoid those activities that make my mind hurt more than otherwise.

I drove to Myrtle Beach. The drive there was fine. The day was cloudy and there was some rain, so I did not get hot during the drive, in spite of my car not having air-conditioning.

My hotel room was fine. From some reviews of the hotel I had read, I had been a bit worried, but the room was fine. It had a fine view of the ocean.

I went to the ocean. I was wearing my new swim outfit, consisting of boys'/men's swim-shorts and a girls'/women's sleeveless rashguard. The outfit felt very comfortable. It's the first time I recall ever feeling comfortable, and not at all dorky, in a swimsuit. I even went wandering around the hotel grounds in the outfit afterwards, rather than going to my room right away to change out of it.

The ocean was fine. It wasn't cold. It was salty, but that is to be expected of the ocean. I didn't encounter any garbage nor any sharks nor any stinging jellyfish in the water. There were nice waves.

Me being in the ocean consists of wading out in the water to chest-height, watching for tall waves in order to jump with them and avoid my face getting wet, doggy-paddling a bit, floating on my back a bit, and as I mentioned, watching out for waves. It's sort of a game, me against the ocean. Of course, the ocean would always win against me, so I only go out chest-deep, enough to be somewhat dangerous but not muchly so. Even then the ocean tends to win. It did on the 2nd day, smacking me down with a big wave, and then pummeling me with another. I excused myself from the game in order to expel stinging saltwater from my airways. Not to leave on a defeated note, I then went back into the surf and waded knee-deep for a while.

Then I even went into one of the swimming pools for a while. I hadn't been in a swimming pool for over a decade or so. (There's something unappealing about getting into a tank of chlorine-smelling water in which other people have been hanging around in). I doggy paddled a bit, and swam a bit, and floated on my back. It was ok. Nothing particularly special. I determined that I hadn't been missing much in that decade or so. But it was ok.

I was glad for my new swim outfit, which I felt comfortable in. I was glad for my menstrual cup, which made going into the water possible, in spite of my period having started the day of the trip.

Seeing the laser lights at night was neat, even though I worried about the beams catching me in my eyes.

I went out to eat with my family. It was ok.

I thought about what it would be like, to be down at the ocean without other people around, so that I could listen to the ocean talking without any distractions... I realized that it would either not make any impact on me at all (no different than having people around), or that I would feel sadness.

Internet access was sporadic at the hotel, as was my cell-phone signal.
I flipped through the channels on the cable television in my room. I watched part of a movie.

The next day I went shopping and bought some things. That was fine.

Then I drove back home. The temperature was in the 100s that day, and it was a hot drive back. But it was ok. I drove through Sumter, to see the town. There wasn't much special to see though, on the route I took. I also stopped at a boat landing by the Wateree River. It was sort of neat down there... I would have liked to just sit on the landing for a while, watching the river flow past. But I was the only person there, and I had left my car windows rolled down, and I felt a bit uneasy that someone might walk out of the bushes and/or steal from my car while it was out of my sight.

I managed to avoid a sun-burn while at the ocean. My left arm nearly got sunburned on the drive back. But so far it's ok and not peeling.

Forestfen called and asked me if my extra day at the beach was "wonderful". (She left the day before me). I said that it was ok. I don't think she really heard my answer, but I don't mind. It's easier if she thinks I'm happy. Sometimes I wonder to myself, is she for real? Does she really experience things which seem plain or okay or fine to me as "wonderful"? Do other people experience things like she does?

Qiao said something which gave me pause. He's Christian, so apparently he believes there are 2 places you can go when you die. He said that he hopes we both end up in the same place, together. And there was a question of whether I felt the same.

It's so far out of my way of thinking. The thought that after I die, that I'd still be alive, and that things would still be like they are now - in other words me being around the same people as I've been around in this life, and having the same kind of experiences... what's the point of that? Might as well not even die, if you're still going to be alive, right? What's the point of living, if death is just another life? Not that I've found a point in living. But still, the idea of a heaven like that just doesn't make sense to me. Nor does the idea of a hell.

Would I want to be with him after I die? I guess I'd choose him over anyone else who I've encountered so far in this life. But I don't want an afterlife, not like that.

In heaven, would I be able to go to sleep, and to stay asleep?

I'm not sure I even meet the diagnosis criteria for dysthymia. The only condition I seem to strongly meet is the "hopeless" one. I don't usually have problems with sleeping or eating. I don't think I have a problem with self-esteem. Sometimes I feel fatigued or lacking energy, but not all the time. I don't have a problem concentrating, if I'm motivated to do so. Decision-making can be difficult, but I'm still able to do so; it just takes longer some times.

Another consideration is that the antidepressants I tried did not seem to have any positive effect on me.

There's one state of being, where one is very much lacking in the mental energy/motivation to do anything. Perhaps that is the symptom of depression and dysthymia, which the anti-depressant drugs help to fix.

There's another state of being, where one has mental energy and motivation to do some things, but one feels no joy in doing them. That's what I have. Perhaps the drugs don't help with that. Perhaps this state is a very common one; after all, I read about people searching for joy, happiness, purpose, and the meaning of life, all the time. Is my state the same as all those people? Or do those people already enjoy life, and they're looking for even more?

Anyway, I was discussing my state of being, in these videos.






If the videos seem a bit choppy, it's because I edited out a lot of pauses between words and sentences, to make the videos shorter.

Do you have memories that you consider "good"? Memories of times when you felt great, or happy, or when the world seemed exciting and colorful? Memories of times when the future seemed to offer further fun and excitement? How many memories like that do you have? Does thinking of those memories make you feel good now too?

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Memories that at some point seemed good to me.

On Mallorca, walking and climbing out on the rocky lava-like outcropping towards the ocean. Hearing the ocean all around, roaring and rising and falling. With the sun shining and wind blowing. (Magic... stories... accompanying me in my mind) 2 distinct memories like that, different locations and trips, but otherwise similar. One time Forestfen was with me, the other time either Forestfen or my aunt was, I don't remember who... in both cases, they were distractions to me, pulling me away from the magical and back into the mundane. I preferred to be alone with my fantasies.

In the woods behind my apartment house in Munich, walking or running carelessly along the path, and being startled by my older brother and a group of his friends, who seemed to step out of nowhere, surrounding me in a narrowing circle. They must have been playing a game of stealth, hiding behind the trees and waiting to surprise me. It gave me a shivery/tingly feeling, as if I was being hunted/chased, as if I was a hero or on some quest, and an enemy wanted to capture me. It was creepy too; I pushed through the circle of boys and escaped. I'm not quite sure if this really happened, or if I dreamt it when I was a kid and kept the memory ever since.

The Empire Strikes Back. I *was* Luke. I had powers. Darth Vader was *evil* and wanted me to join him. There was magic and light and the depths of space.

The school trip to Egypt and Israel in the 7th grade. I kept mementos from that trip for so long, that I must have associated good/poignant memories with it. I had a mild crush on our tour-guide. He was Israeli, foreign, and had sparkling eyes. He was the leader, and I was one of the followers. He told us what to do. At one point during the trip, he noted my interest in the Hebrew alphabet and words, and he swiftly wrote a short phrase in Hebrew on a piece of paper for me. I treasured it; that was his only personal interaction with me but it felt special. Other memories from the trip were ambivalent; I remember being sad and possibly even crying while alone in a hotel room, while the other kids were socializing together. I remember one boy talking to me... I don't remember what he said, but it was something about me being sad or staying to myself and how I shouldn't do that... The mere fact that he talked to me seemed special and unusual, although I didn't know how to respond to what he said. Overall, it was a good trip. There was magic in the air; life was magic back then. Egyptian mythology and history, and ancient ruins were part of the magic.

Walking on a trail through deep woods near some mountain lake with ForestFen and Bro. I found a smooth gray stone that was vaguely shaped like an arrow-head, which became one of my treasures. Walking through forests, I was a ranger/"Indian"/(or whatever the word may be for that feeling of skillful knowledgeable self). I was in an alternate reality.

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Memories don't seem good or special anymore, because the feeling of magic is gone. I don't remember being happy; I can only think back and wonder if I felt happy in the past or not. But I do remember feeling magic, or at least being able to imagine a magical existence, and that made things seem exciting. Life had possibilities; the stories could come true for me some day; *I* would learn magic; I would be an apprentice to a wizard, or would somehow break through to an alternate reality were magic was real, and where someone like Darth Vader would interact with me.

Or maybe I was never happy with real life; maybe I escaped into fantasy. Books and fantasies were the real, exciting world. Maybe the only particularly good experiences I felt were ones where I was superimposing a fantasy onto the real world.

But the magic is gone. It is fiction. It does not seem real or believable anymore. Even if there were a Darth Vader wanting me to join the dark side, so what? And if I did, then what? Or if I didn't, then what? WHAT? Where is the magic? Where is the purpose, where is the reason for doing anything?

.

I think the interactions with Wododu, and that one other dom, and Qiao early on, were good because I was fantasizing then too. But I was doing it with a *real* person, and they were *interacting* with me, and I started hoping that real life could actually possibly be amazing like a fantasy could, or even better! Except it wasn't real. It was just in my head. Thinking back on those experiences makes me awfully sad now, if I let it. Awfully sad from the disappointment, or not bothering to feel any emotion over it.

An electric shock to my brain.
It seems like it would require something strong like that to break through to me, so that I could feel, really feel again.

Once in a very long while, an experience affects me like an electric shock - but it doesn't last.

I am so disillusioned with everything.

I spend all my time doing things that don't really bring me any great satisfaction or happiness, just things that seem like they need to be done, or things that I feel like doing.

The skin on my hands is dry. My hands seem to look so much older than they did a few years ago.

I am not procrastinating doing my taxes; truly, I'm not. I just keep thinking of other things to do first. Surely I can still get them done tonight and still do my daily exercises too, and get to bed on time. Right?

I've started back up doing my daily exercises regularly. It's been about 2 or 3 weeks now. But my legs are still not flexible like they used to be, and I seem to have strained something in my right leg.

Screwing in light bulbs isn't all that easy. No really, I'm not procrastinating. I wanted to write that since yesterday.

The Chinese preserved plums actually taste pretty good. The Watermelon Frost Tea, I haven't tried yet... apparently watermelon frost is some white stuff (fungi?) that grows on watermelon rinds when the watermelon has been filled with Gluer/Glaubers? salt and buried in ceramic pots. The Chinese seem to have a culinary penchant for burying food and digging it up again... It must have been like a form of alchemy.

I am backing up the data on my hard-drive. I keep temporary files sometimes, and I was going through them, seeing which ones could be deleted. Old posts, emails, chats. Some of the more meaningful/affecting ones, I keep around a long time, even though surely I've archived them in my regular backup folders too. But reading one of them brought this post on.

I wanted to let the files copy to the flash drive, while doing my taxes. I had already started doing that this morning, but ran out of space on the flash drive, daggonit, because the files took more physical space on the flash than they did on the hard-drive.