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am i the same person
Saturday, October 17th, 2009 11:26 pmI came across a small piece of paper I had turned into a piece of artwork long ago, with colorful words written in pretty script and cleverly placed based on special relationships between the words. It is so beautiful. How did I do it? I haven't created anything beautiful like that in a long time. I don't create beauty anymore. Instead I create functionality; I get things done; I make things work. Aren't I still the same person? It used to come naturally; I didn't have to exert any effort at it; it came together in my mind and in my hands. Is beauty something you can only create during a certain part of your life?
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Monday, February 7th, 2005 07:44 pmwhen i turn the lights out in my room, there's a constellation of LEDs shining like stars
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Saturday, January 8th, 2005 08:24 pmi'm finding myself more and more attracted to the beauty of Chinese calligraphy... especially when seeing it actually being done, with the brushes and paint or ink.
if it didn't sound so daunting to learn Chinese, i'd want to.
if it didn't sound so daunting to learn Chinese, i'd want to.
the gentle glow of lights and the distance between me and them
Wednesday, December 31st, 2003 12:12 ami feel my mood slowly falling.
just being in the living room and glancing at the xmas tree with its lights on... i haven't taken much time to even look at it this year. no time, no time, there are things to be done, one can't just sit and watch the xmas tree... nor have i baked any cookies. my mom used to make german gingerbread cookies before xmas, but even she hasn't done that for several years. there are things i want to do, and baking cookies seems inconsequential. why can't i take the time, slow down, and enjoy simple things anymore? why can't i just turn on some nice music, light a candle and turn out the lights, and enjoy it? without feeling like i'm wasting precious free time?
i am terrified that even at the end of 2 weeks vacation, i won't have gotten accomplished the few things i wanted to. this is the most time off i get at once all year - management would be highly negative about anyone taking more than 2 weeks at once, even if we had that much vacation to take. and some vacation is used up on trips, such as if i visit my dad or other relatives, or if i go to the beach with my mom as she is always beseeching me to do. So, if during this 2 weeks at home, i can't get done what i wanted to, how can i ever get it done??? how can i ever have the time?
i still yearn for summer vacations. 9 years without a real 3-month long summer vacation, and i'm still waiting for it. for that time off to recuperate. yet i'm afraid of what will happen if i just quit my job. i would get depressed. or rather, i would have the time to face my depression and feel it.
since it is vacation, i go to bed late, and get up late, after noon. sometimes not till 2pm. but then there isn't much daylight left. darkness comes. i need the sunlight to cheer me, and i miss most of it. but neither do i wish to forsake the night by going to bed early.
playing a recording of ocean surf along with various other music is often quite complementary and good sounding. soothing, depending on the music.
but i still feel fear. i can't take the time to start on that mobile, because it is art, and it can't be constrained by time. it could take much time to do. i only have till monday for everything i want to do. and making the mobile would be an accomplishment, but it wouldn't fulfill me. can anything fulfill me? if i start thinking down those lines, i will start feeling lonely and sorry for myself, and cry. which isn't necessarily bad. but... it's repetetive and pointless, and everything is pointless. what is my real issue? do i have one?
but back to looking at the xmas tree - i was looking at it, and realized that i am half-dead. i can see the beauty and recognize it, but i can't appreciate it. my brain still works but my heart is numb. nothing truly touches me. this isn't a new realization.
but it is saddening nonetheless.
just being in the living room and glancing at the xmas tree with its lights on... i haven't taken much time to even look at it this year. no time, no time, there are things to be done, one can't just sit and watch the xmas tree... nor have i baked any cookies. my mom used to make german gingerbread cookies before xmas, but even she hasn't done that for several years. there are things i want to do, and baking cookies seems inconsequential. why can't i take the time, slow down, and enjoy simple things anymore? why can't i just turn on some nice music, light a candle and turn out the lights, and enjoy it? without feeling like i'm wasting precious free time?
i am terrified that even at the end of 2 weeks vacation, i won't have gotten accomplished the few things i wanted to. this is the most time off i get at once all year - management would be highly negative about anyone taking more than 2 weeks at once, even if we had that much vacation to take. and some vacation is used up on trips, such as if i visit my dad or other relatives, or if i go to the beach with my mom as she is always beseeching me to do. So, if during this 2 weeks at home, i can't get done what i wanted to, how can i ever get it done??? how can i ever have the time?
i still yearn for summer vacations. 9 years without a real 3-month long summer vacation, and i'm still waiting for it. for that time off to recuperate. yet i'm afraid of what will happen if i just quit my job. i would get depressed. or rather, i would have the time to face my depression and feel it.
since it is vacation, i go to bed late, and get up late, after noon. sometimes not till 2pm. but then there isn't much daylight left. darkness comes. i need the sunlight to cheer me, and i miss most of it. but neither do i wish to forsake the night by going to bed early.
playing a recording of ocean surf along with various other music is often quite complementary and good sounding. soothing, depending on the music.
but i still feel fear. i can't take the time to start on that mobile, because it is art, and it can't be constrained by time. it could take much time to do. i only have till monday for everything i want to do. and making the mobile would be an accomplishment, but it wouldn't fulfill me. can anything fulfill me? if i start thinking down those lines, i will start feeling lonely and sorry for myself, and cry. which isn't necessarily bad. but... it's repetetive and pointless, and everything is pointless. what is my real issue? do i have one?
but back to looking at the xmas tree - i was looking at it, and realized that i am half-dead. i can see the beauty and recognize it, but i can't appreciate it. my brain still works but my heart is numb. nothing truly touches me. this isn't a new realization.
but it is saddening nonetheless.
