Darkoshi

Some of my notes files are becoming inconvenient. I've got so many different files now... for things about this house, things about that house, things about the dogs, things about other people, etc.

But a lot of times, those things overlap, and later I don't remember which file I wrote something in.

For example, I was just wondering which day exactly it was that Serena last got out of the fence... it was in the last few weeks. I had to check several files, and still didn't find it mentioned. Maybe I didn't write it down.

I've also started to want to have one place where I can check to see what was going on in my life on any particular day... right now that info, if I wrote it down, may be spread across many different files, or even posted to DW.

What I need is a personal DW-type blog, on my local machine, just for personal stuff, where I could add tags to each entry, so that if I wanted to check info I wrote down about Zorro, for example, I could check that tag. This is stuff I don't want to be saved to an internet server, even though most of the info is quite mundane.

But installing a local version of DW is probably overkill. Or is it? It'd be nice to have the same interface I'm used to.
I'd want something open-source, and preferably something where I could export the data into other formats if necessary.

Would WordPress do what I want? Can it be installed locally, and is it light-weight?

TiddlyWiki sounds interesting. But I'm not sure about the interface.

And right now I'm feeling anxious for no important reason, so I can't spend more time thinking about this topic right now.

Now why was it that I wanted to know which day Serena got out?...

Reasons I post things online:

- to solicit answers/information on things I don't know
* to get answers

- to provide information to others
* to feel helpful & useful

- to entertain others
* to feel appreciated & useful

- to describe myself and/or my experiences
* to let similar people know that they are not alone & to thereby feel useful
* to get feedback from others; to feel less alone; to feel that others like me

- to express my emotions
* to understand them
* to remember them later
* writing about them helps the emotions to pass
(but why do I feel like posting those kinds of writings online?)
* to feel heard
(why do I want to feel heard? with emotional things, I often don't even want any feedback, so why?)
* to feel like I'm leaving a visible mark, no matter how small, on the world
(why do I want to leave a mark?)
* to transform emotional pain from something internal and transient into something external and permanent?
(buy why? what do I gain from it?)

I was going through some of my old online journal entries which I don't keep online anymore, and got the idea that perhaps I should post them back on my website. It doesn't matter if hardly anyone ever looks at them; they are a part of my history, and some are quite poetic. But it would be nice if they were tagged, so that I could easily find all posts related to various topics. But I could do that! Instead of just posting the original html files on my website, I could post each entry into a journal system like my dreamwidth account, and tag them at the same time! I haven't even managed to find the time to tag all of my old LiveJournal entries though.

I'm not poetic like I used to be. Out of pain came poetry. Nowadays I avoid writing when I'm feeling bad. There's no point in making other people feel blue too. If I write about pain nowadays, it seems embarrassing, whiny, and repetitive. Not that I completely avoid it.

*
i want
my words
to be
beauty
*

I've been pruning and cutting down some small trees in my yard; trees growing in places where I don't want them to grow. I don't like doing it; I feel bad for the trees I'm killing and/or mutilating; I feel bad for the insects and animals that may have lived on or played on them. I sort of feel like an emotionless killer. It's so easy to cut down living branches. So easy to saw through a 3 inch trunk. Killing things, simply because I don't want them where they happen to be.

There are ant mounds in my yard. I may end up putting down bait to kill the ants. I haven't yet decided... if the mounds didn't get bigger and didn't multiply, they wouldn't bother me; but they do, and I don't want my yard to end up full of fire ants. So I may try killing them. I don't like doing it, but in the end, it is a simple matter to do. I don't have to think about the hundreds or thousands of dying ants... just like I don't have to think about the trees. Emotionless. Easy. I wonder if that is what serial murderers feel when they kill people. No, they get some kind of pleasure out of it, right? So not that. But then, I wonder if that is what hardened criminals feel when they victimize and murder people. Nothing. Expendiency. You don't want the person to be alive, or you don't care about their pain, so you hurt or kill them, for your own benefit.

The particular post I was looking for was one in which I voiced sadness and anger at FF pruning/cutting the trees which grew in front of my bedroom window, when I lived at her house. It's so ironic, that now I'm doing the same kind of thing. No sadness; no anger; it's just what one has to do, to keep things from getting overgrown and overly shady.

Irony.
Not who I used to be.


Oh. There are these very cute little insects that live on the trees around here. They are camouflaged to look like little bits of bark. But they have white fluff/feathery stuff on their tail ends.