alone in social gatherings / stress

I talked myself into going to the Pride festival downtown today. I was undecided at first; some of the local BDSM groups were marching in the parade, but as I haven't been active in those groups for a couple of years now, I didn't feel that I'd belong in the parade with them. I'd be an odd-ball out. I felt that way last time already, even though at that time I was more active in the group.

I'm not gay or lesbian or bi, in the normal sense anyway. I'm not straight in the normal sense either. But I am an ally and somewhat trans. I finally decided that maybe by going, I'd at least see some pretty people. Maybe I'd bump into someone I knew, and could say hi.

I managed to get there just slightly before the parade was scheduled to start. I started walking towards the front of the parade where the BDSM groups were... then I faltered, wondering what I'd do there. After dithering about for a while, I headed back in that direction, thinking that I could at least see the parade as it headed out. After getting up there, I didn't know what to do with myself, and felt awkward and bored.... I wasn't even looking at people (how can I "see some pretty people" when I didn't even feel comfortable looking at anyone?! Gah.) (There were a lot of dogs on leashes. I don't have a problem looking at the dogs.) I wondered what the heck had I come to the festival for, and felt like leaving already.

Then I decided to go to the swings. I found one that was partially shaded, and swung for a while. The parade left without me noticing, while I had my eyes closed. I got thirsty. After a while, I decided that I could go buy something to drink, and then watch the parade as it returned to the park... so I did that.

Watching the parade pass by, I felt a discomfort similar to what I felt while marching in the parade the other time. I felt like I had to keep a strained smile stuck on my face. I don't feel capable of cheering or shouting like the other people do, so I feel that I should at least try to look cheerful and supportive, hence the awkward strained smile.

After the parade had passed and everyone headed back towards the park, a familiar-looking guy passed me and held up a couple of fingers in greeting. Startled, I said hi, and after a short mental pondering, I realized that it was someone I knew from the BDSM group. But he was already gone by then, so that was that. So I did get to say hi to someone, at least.

Then I wandered by all the booths and tents and saw what there was to see. Twice, I headed towards the tent manned by one of the BDSM people, intending to perhaps say hi, but there were many unfamiliar people at the booth, and suddenly it seemed purposeless and silly to say hi, so both times, I ended up veering away from there.

Then I decided to go back to the swings. On the way there, I sat down to take a brief rest, and stretched my back (it still gets achy), and then pulled up a knee to my chin. I must have looked sad, as a woman passing by spoke to me, saying "It will be all right. Do you hear me? It will be all right". She held out her hand to me. I clasped it for a moment, and she continued on her way. But then I started crying, as if those words had broken down a wall. In that sudden transition from feeling relatively ok to feeling like weeping, I realized that there is an emotional wall that comes up in order for me to cope with navigating through a social situation like that with a bunch of strangers. And that's why I often feel like crying afterwards, while leaving - that's when the wall finally starts to come down. This time, it came down prematurely.

I was glad that I had my reflective sunglasses on, as that made it less obvious that I was crying. I got up and continued towards the swings, trying to get my crying under control. The swing-benches were thankfully still empty, so I chose one and swung for a while. Swinging is soothing; comforting. The fountain noise is soothing too. I felt better after a bit. I swung back and forth to the festival music. I leaned back and watched the sun and clouds swing back and forth. I swung for a long time. I watched some birds; I watched an ambulance come and go. I swung hard; I felt like I did when I was a kid, swinging on swings. The most enjoyable part of being at the festival for me was when I was alone on my swing, listening to the fountain and the distant music, and playing with an acorn.

Then I left.

(continued thoughts)

This is in continuation of the previous post.

The crying is due to a combination of stress and disappointment. When I go shopping or to the movies or the library by myself, I'm in the midst of a bunch of strangers too, but that doesn't usually make me feel like crying. In those situations, I know exactly how to navigate the social landscape (politely ignore other shoppers/patrons while focusing on my own shopping; stand in line to pay/check-out; hand over money to the cashier; say thank you when they give you your receipt; etc), so I don't feel awkward and don't feel stressed. In those situations, I don't expect to interact with anyone else in any meaningful way, so I don't feel disappointed.

But the BDSM group get-togethers of the past and the Pride festivals that I've attended have often made me feel like crying. I feel stress due to the awkwardness of not being sure of what to do socially, or having a vague idea of what to do but then having no desire and/or failing to do it (failing to greet and interact with other people). I feel disappointment due to an unadmitted and unmet hope that I'll end up interacting with people in a meaningful or enjoyable way. That doesn't happen, because the way I deal with social situations is to avoid interacting with anyone else as much as possible. (Interactions = awkward => avoid!)

Even when I try to greet and converse with people, I still feel awkward and alone and separate from everyone else. Even if I don't feel awkward and alone and separate, I still don't feel anything meaningful from the interactions. (Interactions = pointless; no significant benefit to me => don't bother initiating)

When I attend social situations together with Qiao, I feel less awkward, as he can handle all the social niceties; the spotlight isn't on me. I can remain silent and in the background, without feeling a need or desire to interact with anyone else myself. But those situations don't tend to be particularly enjoyable for me either.