![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I did a search in Aetna's DocFind tool again, this time searching by distance from zip-code, and I found 3 psychiatrists, all at the same address. That's better than before (when I got *no* results), but it still is hard to believe that there would only be 3 psychiatrists in my urban area covered by Aetna. So I emailed Aetna about it.
I was thinking about meditation today. Maybe meditation feels good to people who are not depressed, but doesn't feel good to people are depressed or dysthymic. Maybe the default brain state for mentally healthy people when they let go of all thoughts, is a good feeling. But for people like me, the default brain state is neither good nor bad. It's just empty. So letting go of all thoughts just results in me feeling nothing. It can be relaxing, but it doesn't make me feel good.
Then again, there are many webpages that say meditation can be good against depression. Maybe if I envisioned feeling good while meditating, it would work better. Maybe it's just pessimism which makes it seem like a non-productive activity.
.
Who's my god?
Am I special enough for a god?
Everyone has potential.
What does a god get out of those who belong to it?
Pieces to play in a game?
What game is this?
What is fun about *this* game?
What is fun about *that* game, for that matter?
Gods are created
in order to have something to believe in.
There isn't anything I feel drawn to believing in anymore.
What was different, before?
What was it about light-sabers and Darth Vader?
What was it about ESP and magic?
What was different?
I was younger, less jaded, less experienced.
Is that all it was?
tickety tock
tickety tock
the mouse ran up the clock
I was thinking about meditation today. Maybe meditation feels good to people who are not depressed, but doesn't feel good to people are depressed or dysthymic. Maybe the default brain state for mentally healthy people when they let go of all thoughts, is a good feeling. But for people like me, the default brain state is neither good nor bad. It's just empty. So letting go of all thoughts just results in me feeling nothing. It can be relaxing, but it doesn't make me feel good.
Then again, there are many webpages that say meditation can be good against depression. Maybe if I envisioned feeling good while meditating, it would work better. Maybe it's just pessimism which makes it seem like a non-productive activity.
.
Who's my god?
Am I special enough for a god?
Everyone has potential.
What does a god get out of those who belong to it?
Pieces to play in a game?
What game is this?
What is fun about *this* game?
What is fun about *that* game, for that matter?
Gods are created
in order to have something to believe in.
There isn't anything I feel drawn to believing in anymore.
What was different, before?
What was it about light-sabers and Darth Vader?
What was it about ESP and magic?
What was different?
I was younger, less jaded, less experienced.
Is that all it was?
tickety tock
tickety tock
the mouse ran up the clock