(no subject)

Sunday, June 28th, 2009 06:48 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I did a search in Aetna's DocFind tool again, this time searching by distance from zip-code, and I found 3 psychiatrists, all at the same address. That's better than before (when I got *no* results), but it still is hard to believe that there would only be 3 psychiatrists in my urban area covered by Aetna. So I emailed Aetna about it.

I was thinking about meditation today. Maybe meditation feels good to people who are not depressed, but doesn't feel good to people are depressed or dysthymic. Maybe the default brain state for mentally healthy people when they let go of all thoughts, is a good feeling. But for people like me, the default brain state is neither good nor bad. It's just empty. So letting go of all thoughts just results in me feeling nothing. It can be relaxing, but it doesn't make me feel good.

Then again, there are many webpages that say meditation can be good against depression. Maybe if I envisioned feeling good while meditating, it would work better. Maybe it's just pessimism which makes it seem like a non-productive activity.

.

Who's my god?
Am I special enough for a god?
Everyone has potential.
What does a god get out of those who belong to it?
Pieces to play in a game?
What game is this?
What is fun about *this* game?
What is fun about *that* game, for that matter?

Gods are created
in order to have something to believe in.
There isn't anything I feel drawn to believing in anymore.
What was different, before?
What was it about light-sabers and Darth Vader?
What was it about ESP and magic?
What was different?
I was younger, less jaded, less experienced.
Is that all it was?

tickety tock
tickety tock
the mouse ran up the clock

(no subject)

Tuesday, January 6th, 2009 07:43 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I was thinking today while walking, that a brain works differently than a computer. A computer, as I envision it, is a single processor, following a bunch of instructions one by one (or a set of processors, nowadays). A processor can switch between threads, but it is still just doing one of them at a time. It's not that simple, but that's how I usually think of it.
But different parts of a brain are working at the same time, parallel, separately. One part is keeping my heart beating - I can't even control that part. One part is keeping me breathing - I have limited control over that part. Other parts are doing things I'm not aware of. When I go for a walk, a part of my brain is controlling the physical aspects of making my body walk, and a part is directing which direction I walk. I have control over these parts, but for the most part I don't have to consciously think about them. Parts of my brain are processing sensory inputs. Some inputs are flagged as unusual, and that may attract the attention of my conscious mind. My conscious mind is sort of like a computer processor - it can really only pay attention to one thing at a time, or it may pay attention to several things by switching between them, one by one.
And yet there are all these other parts of my brain working at the same time... the part right now, which is making my fingers move to type these words in response to my conscious thoughts.

Meditation is not-thinking (as I think of it :).
When I meditate, I try to stop thinking thoughts... I stop thinking words... I may reduce sensory input by closing my eyes and going somewhere relatively quiet. But my brain is still working... still receiving various sensory input. Meditation is not paying attention to those inputs, or not letting those inputs trigger the conscious mind into thinking words. (which goes back to that other question - What are thoughts without words; are they still "thoughts"?) And yet, apparently, meditation still involves paying attention to something... receiving some kind of input... as it is supposed to result in one feeling like something other than a dead rock. Turning off one part of the brain perhaps, but not others. Certainly not all parts, as one still needs to breath, and the heart still needs to beat, and one needs to be open enough to be able to sense the wonder of existence.

May 2025

S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
11121314151617
1819 2021222324
25262728293031

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Thursday, May 22nd, 2025 04:29 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios