don't let it distress me

i am brain.
a brain doing things, little things, in this world.
like collecting words to put on a page;
like researching the use of intensifiers and expletives
to make a certain page bigger and more comprehensive...


perhaps if i post this, what i was intending to post,
i will be able to turn off the light and go to sleep.

so here, from this morning. yesterday morning, now:

everything that happens,
everything that everyone does,
is a normal, logical, natural, non-unusual progression
of the previous events that have happened
and the previous experiences everyone has had

based on whatever starting point there was
and on whatever initial values the universe's variables were set to.

even randomness is natural.

people do things
not just because they can,
but because it is the normal thing for them to do.

out of all the choices available to them,
the choice which they choose,
(including the choice of non-action),
is based upon their experiences of the world,
upon all the prior events of their lives.

do we have any real choice in anything?
sure.
but our choices are based on our history
and a bit of randomness...
is that a real choice?

is there any choice between good and evil?
those who do "evil" things do them in the same way,
for the same kind of reasons,
that those who oppose them, oppose them.
because it makes sense to them.
because it is the preferable thing for them to do.

based on their history,
it is the natural choice.

one person's viewpoint of something
as an evil that ought to be opposed
is another person's necessary evil
and another person's good thing.

not that people shouldn't oppose things
which seem evil to them;
it is natural for those who oppose things,
to oppose them.
they have to.
they are compelled to.
they are inspired to.
just like those who do the so-called evil things,
are inspired to do them.
just like those who try to convince others to change, do that.
just like those who are convinced to change, do that.

is there destiny?
perhaps.
but not necessarily a destiny that anyone knows.

even a god would have a hard time
figuring out how things would end up,
with so many variables.
it would be difficult, i would think,
even if the god were in charge of the random variables.
then again, if the god were a super duper mega computer...

and what would the point of existence be,
if there were a god who had caused it,
who had started the ball rolling,
and who already knew how it would turn out?

not that there's necessarily a point.


and the point of this entry is?
it seemed significant as i was walking in...

that there's no point in being distressed
over what other people do.
it is natural.
everything is natural, even when it is bad.

just be aware of it,
and don't be distressed.

me thinking this is natural,
based on my previous life
and current circumstances.

how long will i be able to keep this in mind?

how long before this train of thought
seems totally pointless?


there is no such thing as evil
(there is no such thing as anything...)
(everything changes when you think about it)
it is just a name people give to those things
which they feel should be opposed and stopped.



dang.
ethically, i should now stay an extra half hour
longer here at work,
to make up for the time i spent writing this.

if i didn't have enough to keep me occupied
for that half hour,
it would be a different matter.

there. that's it.

doesn't much seem worth writing, or posting, in retrospect.

and i suppose i could post the whole rest of the file on my site
but there's really no point except for myself
and what do i care, right now?

why don't they have a preview feature for the web-version of the journal updater? they have it for comments, why not for posts?

i should go to sleep now.
i should really go to sleep. it's really late. it's getting early.
when that digit 4 starts coming around the bend...
why don't i feel like it?
why do i feel like there's still something i need to do?


i ought not be offended... it's perfectly natural...
he had a perfectly good reason, i'm sure. whatever it was.
wish i knew. i'm afraid i'm just unlikeable.
but of course i am, to all the people who find me unlikeable.
that doesn't mean i am to everyone, right? right. sure.
yep.
ok? sleep now?

oh, and i was a dork. i messed up on setting the vcr!
no, actually i set the vcr right, but the satellite-box wrong...
serves me right...

sleep now?!
i guess so. maybe something's worrying me. or bothering me.
is it just that? does it affect me so, to think that i am unliked?
to think that i may offend people, or do things to make them not like me, without even realizing it? and to never find out what, or why?

hoy. this is a bloody long post. maybe i should return to my site.
i still don't know. it's a mess of confusion. it doesn't matter.

no, it's not the one person that bothers me. it's the resulting conclusional thought that everything else is the same or will be the same as that one instance... the resurfacing of that despair.
whatever.