(no subject)

I'm too sad to write about what I'm feeling sad about. Maybe I'm just tired. I can't do this people thing. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I see other people interacting, and I want something of that, but I can't do it, and I don't want to do it, and I watch myself not doing it because I don't know how to do it and I can't bring myself to do it and I just want to run away and hide from it all. So on the one hand, I feel like I should feel good about myself for having driven there, and the presentation was interesting, but on the other hand I feel like I was a complete failure. Seeing everyone else talking and hanging around together makes me feel so... uncomfortable or sad or incompetent or alien or... Because I don't know where to go or what to do. When I try to be sociable... by at least standing near the other people, then I feel so awkward standing there after a bit, because I don't say anything, and I'm not a part of any conversation, I'm just listening to other people from the outside, like an eavesdropper. And then I want to go away somewhere alone so I don't have to feel so awkward. I want to close my eyes and shut everything out. But I don't want to be alone even though I do. And I can't change. I've always been this way. This is the only thing I know. That's the only way I know how to handle being around people. And people try to be nice to me and talk to me, but I only answer their questions, and after a while they give up and leave me alone. I don't try to continue any conversation, maybe because I have no desire for it, or maybe because I don't know how, or maybe because I want to be left alone, even though I don't. Because that's the way I handle it.
And how can anyone ever like me or why would they ever want to do anything with me or hang out with me, when I'm so... distant and mute.