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This is in continuation of the previous post.
The crying is due to a combination of stress and disappointment. When I go shopping or to the movies or the library by myself, I'm in the midst of a bunch of strangers too, but that doesn't usually make me feel like crying. In those situations, I know exactly how to navigate the social landscape (politely ignore other shoppers/patrons while focusing on my own shopping; stand in line to pay/check-out; hand over money to the cashier; say thank you when they give you your receipt; etc), so I don't feel awkward and don't feel stressed. In those situations, I don't expect to interact with anyone else in any meaningful way, so I don't feel disappointed.
But the BDSM group get-togethers of the past and the Pride festivals that I've attended have often made me feel like crying. I feel stress due to the awkwardness of not being sure of what to do socially, or having a vague idea of what to do but then having no desire and/or failing to do it (failing to greet and interact with other people). I feel disappointment due to an unadmitted and unmet hope that I'll end up interacting with people in a meaningful or enjoyable way. That doesn't happen, because the way I deal with social situations is to avoid interacting with anyone else as much as possible. (Interactions = awkward => avoid!)
Even when I try to greet and converse with people, I still feel awkward and alone and separate from everyone else. Even if I don't feel awkward and alone and separate, I still don't feel anything meaningful from the interactions. (Interactions = pointless; no significant benefit to me => don't bother initiating)
When I attend social situations together with Qiao, I feel less awkward, as he can handle all the social niceties; the spotlight isn't on me. I can remain silent and in the background, without feeling a need or desire to interact with anyone else myself. But those situations don't tend to be particularly enjoyable for me either.
The crying is due to a combination of stress and disappointment. When I go shopping or to the movies or the library by myself, I'm in the midst of a bunch of strangers too, but that doesn't usually make me feel like crying. In those situations, I know exactly how to navigate the social landscape (politely ignore other shoppers/patrons while focusing on my own shopping; stand in line to pay/check-out; hand over money to the cashier; say thank you when they give you your receipt; etc), so I don't feel awkward and don't feel stressed. In those situations, I don't expect to interact with anyone else in any meaningful way, so I don't feel disappointed.
But the BDSM group get-togethers of the past and the Pride festivals that I've attended have often made me feel like crying. I feel stress due to the awkwardness of not being sure of what to do socially, or having a vague idea of what to do but then having no desire and/or failing to do it (failing to greet and interact with other people). I feel disappointment due to an unadmitted and unmet hope that I'll end up interacting with people in a meaningful or enjoyable way. That doesn't happen, because the way I deal with social situations is to avoid interacting with anyone else as much as possible. (Interactions = awkward => avoid!)
Even when I try to greet and converse with people, I still feel awkward and alone and separate from everyone else. Even if I don't feel awkward and alone and separate, I still don't feel anything meaningful from the interactions. (Interactions = pointless; no significant benefit to me => don't bother initiating)
When I attend social situations together with Qiao, I feel less awkward, as he can handle all the social niceties; the spotlight isn't on me. I can remain silent and in the background, without feeling a need or desire to interact with anyone else myself. But those situations don't tend to be particularly enjoyable for me either.
A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
Date: 2010-09-10 08:39 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)