hello. where are you? where am i?

I want to feel awed. Not by a stranger's physical or mental skills, but by something more personal. Mystical. Magical.
I want to feel that sense of belonging, contentedness, which I've only felt in a few ancient dreams and fantasies.
I want to feel gleeful excitement.
I want to have fun.

This relationship soothes some of the pain but does not heal the wound.
I am still alone.

I want to feel something, something other than pain.