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children and gender-based rules
Sunday, July 25th, 2010 05:41 pmI was thinking about this post which discussed someone's child pointing to his pajamas and saying that he didn't like the color pink in them, because other people had told him that boys don't like pink. The parent responded in what seemed a quite good way.
But it made me think about what are good ways of discussing the topic of gender-based rules with children? It isn't necessarily wrong for a boy or a girl to want to fit in with other boys or other girls, and to do so by following society's rules for their gender. But it would be good to explain to the child that those "rules" are not "facts", and that not everyone agrees on the rules, and that everyone is free to choose to follow the rules or to go their own path, without it indicating that anything is wrong with them.
Suppose that there is a group of people that you esteem and relate to, and you feel that you belong to that group, and you want the other members of the group to accept and admire you as one of them. If the majority of the other members of the group indicate that there are certain things that they as a group like or dislike, aren't you (subconsciously?)(especially when you are a child?) likely to adopt those same likes and dislikes yourself, unless your own prior opinion of something was much stronger than your desire to be part of the group?
It must be subconscious, because I can't think of any situation where I as a child consciously decided to change my likes/dislikes, based on what other people liked/disliked. But if someone you admire expresses an opinion, it colors your own views; your admiration causes you to esteem the other person's opinions, and makes you more likely to adopt them as your own.
Aren't gender-based rules themselves silly and arbitrary? But if there were no rules, could there be groups? If there were no separate social rules and expectations for girls and boys, and if boys and girls were only distinguished by their anatomy, would there be any reason for a child to identify strongly with belonging to the group of boys versus the group of girls? Or would boy/girl-ness be like one's eye-color? I don't think that most people identify more strongly with people of the same eye-color than with people of other eye-colors. It is simply a physical attribute, not a group identity.
But gender is not simply a physical attribute; children do tend to form group identities based on sex/gender. Why does this happen... Is it mainly due to positive and negative feedback that children receive in their early years? Boys are mocked and ridiculed by other boys and admonished by some adults, when they don't follow the rules for being a boy. They are accepted and praised when they do follow the rules. This teaches them what the rules are. Observation of other people also teaches them rules. Or does the group identity (gender) mainly come about because the child relates more to people of a certain sex? Do the boys actually tend to prefer playing with toy trucks more than with dolls, and do the girls tend to prefer the dolls, and is that how the group identities form? And then, when they find out that the other truck-playing or doll-playing kids prefer orange soda to grape soda, does it affect their own soda preferences? It may be a combination of both relating to a group and getting the positive/negative feedback.
People who relate to a group but who aren't accepted by that group have difficulties. If you are a boy who likes the color pink and who likes to wear dresses, you may not be accepted by other boys or by other girls. You may get a lot of flak from both kids and adults. If you relate to the boys, you may decide to stop wearing pink and to stop wearing dresses, so that the other boys will accept you and so that you'll get positive instead of negative feedback. If you relate to the girls... in today's culture, you'll probably have a hard time no matter what you do.
In addition to gender, there are some other group associations/identities that are also taught from birth - religions, cultures, national identity. But other group associations tend to be chosen by the individual. If you enjoy playing sports, you may identify with other sports-playing people. If you enjoy learning about science, you may identify with other people interested in science. By then you are usually older and less influenced by other people's opinions. But you may still be subconsciously influenced.
.
So, back to the youngsters. What can one say to them about gender-based rules?
"It's not true that boys don't like pink. There are some boys that do and some that don't.
People who say that boys don't like certain things, or that girls don't like certain things, or that boys are one way and girls another, are just saying what other people have always told them. But those things aren't true for everyone. They're only true for some boys and some girls, not for all of them. People who say things like that are trying to get you to follow *rules*. They have rules in their mind about how boys should be and about how girls should be. But there aren't any true rules. You can choose to be however you want to be - you can choose your own rules for yourself. You'll still be just as much a boy or a girl as you were before."
But it made me think about what are good ways of discussing the topic of gender-based rules with children? It isn't necessarily wrong for a boy or a girl to want to fit in with other boys or other girls, and to do so by following society's rules for their gender. But it would be good to explain to the child that those "rules" are not "facts", and that not everyone agrees on the rules, and that everyone is free to choose to follow the rules or to go their own path, without it indicating that anything is wrong with them.
Suppose that there is a group of people that you esteem and relate to, and you feel that you belong to that group, and you want the other members of the group to accept and admire you as one of them. If the majority of the other members of the group indicate that there are certain things that they as a group like or dislike, aren't you (subconsciously?)(especially when you are a child?) likely to adopt those same likes and dislikes yourself, unless your own prior opinion of something was much stronger than your desire to be part of the group?
It must be subconscious, because I can't think of any situation where I as a child consciously decided to change my likes/dislikes, based on what other people liked/disliked. But if someone you admire expresses an opinion, it colors your own views; your admiration causes you to esteem the other person's opinions, and makes you more likely to adopt them as your own.
Aren't gender-based rules themselves silly and arbitrary? But if there were no rules, could there be groups? If there were no separate social rules and expectations for girls and boys, and if boys and girls were only distinguished by their anatomy, would there be any reason for a child to identify strongly with belonging to the group of boys versus the group of girls? Or would boy/girl-ness be like one's eye-color? I don't think that most people identify more strongly with people of the same eye-color than with people of other eye-colors. It is simply a physical attribute, not a group identity.
But gender is not simply a physical attribute; children do tend to form group identities based on sex/gender. Why does this happen... Is it mainly due to positive and negative feedback that children receive in their early years? Boys are mocked and ridiculed by other boys and admonished by some adults, when they don't follow the rules for being a boy. They are accepted and praised when they do follow the rules. This teaches them what the rules are. Observation of other people also teaches them rules. Or does the group identity (gender) mainly come about because the child relates more to people of a certain sex? Do the boys actually tend to prefer playing with toy trucks more than with dolls, and do the girls tend to prefer the dolls, and is that how the group identities form? And then, when they find out that the other truck-playing or doll-playing kids prefer orange soda to grape soda, does it affect their own soda preferences? It may be a combination of both relating to a group and getting the positive/negative feedback.
People who relate to a group but who aren't accepted by that group have difficulties. If you are a boy who likes the color pink and who likes to wear dresses, you may not be accepted by other boys or by other girls. You may get a lot of flak from both kids and adults. If you relate to the boys, you may decide to stop wearing pink and to stop wearing dresses, so that the other boys will accept you and so that you'll get positive instead of negative feedback. If you relate to the girls... in today's culture, you'll probably have a hard time no matter what you do.
In addition to gender, there are some other group associations/identities that are also taught from birth - religions, cultures, national identity. But other group associations tend to be chosen by the individual. If you enjoy playing sports, you may identify with other sports-playing people. If you enjoy learning about science, you may identify with other people interested in science. By then you are usually older and less influenced by other people's opinions. But you may still be subconsciously influenced.
.
So, back to the youngsters. What can one say to them about gender-based rules?
"It's not true that boys don't like pink. There are some boys that do and some that don't.
People who say that boys don't like certain things, or that girls don't like certain things, or that boys are one way and girls another, are just saying what other people have always told them. But those things aren't true for everyone. They're only true for some boys and some girls, not for all of them. People who say things like that are trying to get you to follow *rules*. They have rules in their mind about how boys should be and about how girls should be. But there aren't any true rules. You can choose to be however you want to be - you can choose your own rules for yourself. You'll still be just as much a boy or a girl as you were before."