the sensual feel of bones

[darkoshi]

there's something slightly disturbing
about being so pleased
at being able to feel and see my own ribcage.

skin, muscle, bones.
strength.
a purity...
something very like what dylan was writing.
except that i'm pleased with where i am,
and don't think that becoming less would be even more pleasing.

i don't want to weigh less.
there's no need.
if i can see my bones now,
weighing even less would surely be a bad thing.

although i felt the same pleased with my body
when i did weigh ten pounds less.
a fact which makes my current pleased-ness seem suspect.
surely there's something vaguely disturbing
at being able to see the outline of one's bones?
and at being so pleased by it?

.

i might think i was still somewhat anorexic.
but anorexia, to me, isn't based on how much or how little one weighs,
but on mental obsession.

i don't have an obsession with food and calories anymore,
so i'm not anorexic.
certain thoughts and perceptions of mine,
haven't really changed, though.
i would hate to gain any weight.
being fat is one of the worst things i can imagine for myself.
i wouldn't be able to really like myself if i were fat.
and looking in the mirror, sometimes i look too fat,
but never too thin.

.

i still don't even consider myself to have been anorexic
when i was on that diet way back then,
even at the point when i reached my lowest weight.

something in my mind was surely
changing from non-anorexic to anorexic during that time,
but since i was on a diet,
keeping track of food and calories was justifiable.

after i reached my goal and ended the diet,
then i began to realize i had become anorexic.
not because of my weight, but because of my mind.

i couldn't stop counting calories.
i couldn't go back to enjoying food in a normal way.
food was an obsession...
i wanted it, but at the same time feared it.

good food wasn't just good food,
it was xxx number of calories,
xxx calories added to my daily total,
xxx calories potentially taking me over
my maintenance quota of 1200-1400 calories per day.
i knew that if i consumed more than that,
i would gain weight.
i would get fat again.
i couldn't let that happen.

on one of my vacation trips,
i kept a journal of sorts.
reading it now is weird,
because the only thing i wrote down in it
was what i had eaten.
it wasn't a food-journal or a calorie-journal,
but apparently food was the only thing
which seemed important enough for me to write down.
i wanted to remember how good everything had tasted...
to be able to go back and re-live the memories
without re-consuming the calories.

.

that obsession is long gone.
it went away somewhen...
perhaps during that horrible time in high-school
when i was binge-eating.

perhaps that horrible time was necessary,
in order to kill off the obsession.
eating so much,
it was difficult to keep track of the calories...
after a certain amount of food,
my mind knew it was just WAY TOO MUCH,
and the exact number of calories didn't matter.

i gained weight, even beyond what i had originally lost.
i became horribly depressed and felt ugly,
both physically and will-power-wise.

but eventually the binge-eating stopped.
eventually my weight returned to what it is now.
i don't really understand how that all happened.
it just did eventually, seemingly of its own accord.

that is why i still worry sometimes
that things could, of their own accord,
go back to being the way they were before,
when couldn't control my eating or my weight.

.

so, here i am now,
a few pounds on the low side
of my rather-consistent weight for the last ten years.
and it feels so good being able to feel my ribs.

maybe having started jogging last year
has had this subtle effect on my body.
maybe it's made me leaner, more muscle, less fat.

i notice myself feeling good and attractive
when i go a bit below 105,
and fat and ugly when i go a bit above.

but is something still a bit screwed in my self-perception?
if i saw someone else's ribcage, would i think they looked good?
if i felt someone else's ribcage, would i think they were healthy and strong?