darkoshi

how can i fall into a funk like this,
even now,
when the first time in like forever,
it seems like someone might really be interested in me?

the funk of noone liking me,
of being unlikeable,
or of having such a faulty interface
that noone can get to like me,
even if i am likeable.

the funk of noone having ever liked me,
of having had no real friends since
i was maybe ten years old.
or the funk that maybe even those kids
i thought were my friends back then, weren't even, really.

the thought that if i haven't ever really had a real friend,
that there is something horribly wrong with me.
i must be horrible.
horrible.
awful.

all it takes is a couple of people ignoring my emails
and this is what happens to me.
i think they don't like me
or they don't care about me
and they don't want to like me or care about me.
and i think that even when i try,
it never works,
so there really must be something horribly wrong with me,
something horribly alien about me,
because i can't do
what everyone else seems to do,
no matter what i do.

it never works;
i'm always alone
and on the outside.

i mean, if even my brother doesn't care,
and he's known me all my life...

and with this person now who might be interested in me,
and whom i seem quite interested in...
maybe it's really that we just see something
in each other that we need...
maybe it's not so much a liking as a simple need...
and then again, maybe it's not even that.

and maybe it's even just outright wrong.
i mean, he's married.
maybe the world will condemn us,
even for just wanting to fulfill a simple mutual need.

but why should friendship or love
be exclusive anyway?
that never made sense to me.