Zorro thoughts / Grief, day one

[darkoshi]

these tears are only self pity
letting me "prove" to myself that I cared
i don't have to cry
i don't have to care that the last time anything
is the last time forever
i don't have to cry that there will be no more shed fur on the floor.
just like last week, I didn't have to cry while thinking,
knowing that today would someday inevitably happen.
these tears are my tribute to you.
but you are dead and what tribute do the dead need?
these tears are my tribute to my memory of you.
I cry to prove to myself that I care.
to prove to myself that anything matters.
nothing has to matter.
I write poetry, or words anyway,
to prove.
to remember.
to make it so, whether it ever really was or was not
because nothing really is
and nothing is not.

.

I'm never going to hear her licking herself again. She was doing it just last night, here by this chair. It was then I turned on the music on my phone, and some random YouTube music video.
She's never going to spit out the blue pill on the floor again.

Memories of hearing her whimper in her sleep, moving her legs, while dreaming of running and barking.
Her putting her head on my knees, breathing warm breath on my legs, begging for a treat.
Her putting her head under & through the crook of my arm, as I sat outside on the stool, working.

Her lying behind the sofas for no discernible reason, other than a supernatural ability to sense a storm in the distance.
Or maybe she wasn't feeling well.

Her sitting in Qiao's car, happy to be going for a ride.
Her coming running, after being at my place a while, when Qiao came back to pick them up.
Her always (often) knowing exactly when it was 11pm and time for her greenie (treat).
Her putting her front paws on Qiao's seat and licking his face, trying to convince him to get her a greenie.
Her wandering into the kitchen almost anytime I was in there getting myself some food, to see if I'd give her a treat.
Her putting up with Serena trying to hog all the attention sometimes.


She didn't lay outside in the sun as much this year as other years.

I'm 50 years old, and you are dead.
You were alive this morning.
This mourning.

Serena's not going to have Zorro there to lick her eyes clean anymore.
I feel like Serena is still walking around here and there, waiting for Zorro to come home like usual.

.

The outdoor cams don't capture the place where Zorro went outside and fell down.
The indoor cam doesn't capture the area where she was convulsing inside.
I suppose it's a blessing, sort of?

Crying for guilt?
Guilt for all the things I ever did wrong?
Guilt for feeling like I did something wrong this time, though I can't think of what?
Guilt for all the unknowns,
Fear of what happens with the dead bodies
Fear of the black boxes, of the closed doors, closed to keep the unpleasant sights from us,
the sights which would give us much worse nightmares.

If I weren't feeling in some way guilty and afraid,
I should be able to choose to think of the memories with joy instead of sadness.
It may be that I had only about 3 hours sleep last night which is making me so tearful.
It reminds me of those times in the 90s when I felt so sad so often,
where crying made me feel like crying more like a feedback loop.

Eventually, I'm going to want to or have to wash the towel and blanket in the car, on which she last lay.
Eventually.
Eventually I'll vacuum the remaining shed hairs/fur that still remains on the floor.
Thinking of doing it feels sacrilegious.
Like erasing her from the house.
Erasing the last traces of her.
I washed my hands again right before leaving the vet.
I washed her off my hands. [ cries again ]

Maybe when I finish writing down all the memories
watching all the clips
maybe then I'll be able to let go and start to heal.

Do I look back fondly on other people who've died?
Or are those memories all still tinged with sadness too?

I feel sad for Serena every time I look at her.

Memories of sadness for other endings, even without death.
Endings of trips, of being around certain people.

Guilt and sadness, to prove that we didn't euthanize her for our own ease, but for hers.
But I don't doubt myself on that, so why would there be anything to prove?

I need to shock myself out of this crying loop; it's not good for me or for anyone.
Distract myself, whatever.
My head hurts.

I should be happy for Zorro, that she shucked off this mortal coil.
Why do they call it a coil?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortal_coil

Besides these medical issues, I don't think she had a bad or unhappy life;
that's why... but those medical issues, so.

.


https://consciouscat.net/2018/08/22/dealing-with-feelings-of-guilt-after-euthanasia/