Zorro thoughts / Grief, day two

[darkoshi]

This mental pain we do to ourselves.
Why do I make myself feel bad for Serena, possibly worse than even she feels?
Don't bring back that headache already this early in the day.

What are the possibilities?

1. Zorro is in a bright happy place now, having a good time.
If that's the case, there is nothing to be sad about.
Except for Serena, having lost her buddy. And regardless, I should be trying to make her feel good, like I am already doing.

2.Zorro has ceased to exist, and feels nothing now.
If that's the case, she's in no pain and remembers nothing, so I shouldn't be sad for her, only for us at her loss. Ditto about Serena.
I shouldn't miss Z more now that she's gone, than I felt comforted by her presence when she was here. It was a mild comfort; it should be a mild feeling of missing.

3. Zorro has ceased to exist now, but was in some kind of pain or nightmare after she was euthanized/injected, for an unknown amount of time.
Like maybe her brain wasn't really dead yet.
This is probably what scares me most, and makes me feel bad, the not knowing if this could be true.

One side of me thinks that logically this isn't true.
The other side... (remember that article about hearts starting to beat again?, people waking up...)

4. Zorro is in a worse place now. I don't believe that.

.

Maybe we choose to cry and feel pain as a way of making our memories persist longer
because emotional events get embedded deeper.
If I just went on with everyday life, I'd quickly forget all the details.

Even now, what do I remember of those who passed long ago? Not much.
So the emotions, don't help that much even for memory? I don't know.
.

Maybe Zorro was expecting the vet to heal her! She probably wasn't expecting death! [I cry]
It hurts because we are supposed to be their protectors (not their executioner), and I wasn't able to protect her from this (even though logically, and based on the above webpage about liver cancers/blood tumors, we were protecting her from worse suffering)

Even I was still hoping the vet could heal her, though I knew there was a good chance she couldn't
and that it would come to this, when I told Qiao to call the vet.

If I was in a medical condition like that and near death (even weeks away), I wouldn't blame anyone for euthanizing me;
I'd surely choose it for myself too.
Especially if I were a dog with no last tasks to take care of.
So I shouldn't imagine Z being sad at the choice we made. (even though there was no real choice).

Ever since Zorro's heart failure diagnosis last year, I knew her time was limited. She lasted much longer than apparently the average, too.
She seemed normal and healthy for the most part. We were so lucky about that.
But I knew her time was limited. Why am I still so impacted by her time having come to an end?
Every time Qiao brought her to my house, I knew it might be the last time.

We did good. We got her medicine, and we got her to take it twice every day, even when she at first spit it out.
We did good; we kept her as healthy as we could.
There's nothing to feel bad about.

..
I find myself looking at Serena and imagining what she's thinking.. imagining her still waiting for Zorro to come back; show up.
And then I find myself feeling the same thing, like Zorro might still just show back up..
But then also realizing it's just not going to happen, and feeling sad about it.

Whereas Serena, if she doesn't really understand that Z's not coming back, would she even be feeling sad?
Maybe not sad, but anxious and confused?
Z. came back last year, after getting all those tests & treatments for the heart disease.
Z. came back all the other times. But even last year, I think she was never gone overnight, was she?

.

What's Serena going to do, when she's here and there's a thunderstorm, and I'm at my house, and Qiao is either out or in the bedroom?
She'll be afraid and alone for maybe the first time. So afraid like she always gets.

Serena doesn't shed that much, or does she? Maybe Qiao should let her in the bedroom; put a doggy bed on the ground in there for her.
But then there's a guilt feeling that we never did that when Z was here... but Z wasn't alone...

.

I'm feeling clingy about all the items associated with Zorro like her shed fur and the dirt and pollen that was on her and got transferred to my clothes, because she is gone and those are the only parts of her that are left here now.
Those and photos and memories. But the memories are the only important parts left. The rest is silly to cling to.
Except that they remind me of her and apparently I want to be reminded even of the silly parts, like shed fur and dirt.
..

There's no reason to feel guilty that I never let Z up in my chair with me like I rarely let Serena. Z wouldn't have FIT up in
the chair with me, even if she wanted up. She'd have needed her own chair/couch.
Old bones & joints would have had more trouble getting up on and off a couch, than their doggy beds on the floor.
..
Remember that saying, hug your kids a lot while you can, because some day you may not be able to?
I'd been thinking especially the last year that I should hug Z more; hold her close more often rather than just petting her, and I tried to do it more often in spite of the smells it would leave on my clothes. But it still wasn't very often.
..
The solar pineapple lamp glowing in the big kitchen window, like a light kept on to help someone find the way home...
but Zorro's not out there and isn't coming home [cries]

Maybe I should save all the cam clips from all the cameras, that have Z on them, before they get overwritten.
Not only the ones from yesterday that I already saved; Yesterday being the bad day.
I should save clips from the days before that weren't bad.
But I have limited laptop space and maybe it's better not to cling to low-quality video clips that I'd have to scroll through and process.
How many photos did I take of Z & S this last year? Not that many, or? Just some, here and there. The cams have more...
..
Zorro coming to check things out, whenever she heard a rustling food package sound.
..
There are still bits of dried tomato in the dog food bowl, along with the dog food, from when I put the tomato in it for Z the other night... Friday I think. I hope Serena is eating ok. We won't need to keep the dog bowl as full of food anymore, with only her eating.
..
This evening, S has been sleeping/laying in the doggy bed in the den even when I'm in the front room working.
I feel slightly clingy to her too, looking for her whenever I get up, to know where she is.
I suppose it is good though that she feels ok being alone in the other room.
But then when she gets up and walks around I still think/wonder if she's looking for Z, expecting her to show up.
..
It hurts worse, imagining what others are/were feeling, than just feeling what I myself am feeling.
That's I think the difference in what I & Serena feel - she probably just feels the feels, not imaginary other ppl's feels.

9:43pm S started barking. At least that is one thing that hasn't changed, her evening barks.
hmm, and Qiao isn't even out here eating yet. So she's not barking about him not sharing food.

10:03pm Oh now I hear another dog barking in the distance; that's why she's barking.
..
The instances in the last months I was thinking of that were similar to the collapsing, but she was better again right away, weren't that similar really.
I think she'd sometimes jerk up after laying down on her side, like something had shocked her; like her body had done something unexpected.
Or like she'd had a dream, but I don't think she was asleep the times it happened.
But maybe she'd have a small convulsion, and then she'd jerk upright into a position lying on her stomach, or sitting, afterwards?
..
Qiao came out a while ago, and just now S ran excitedly into my room and back out again.
and now she's barking again.

I just had a thought, maybe she'll forget Z rather quickly. And then I felt disappointed in her.
But that is silly, it's good if she doesn't suffer, missing Z.
Why don't I feel the same about myself? Why do I feel like I need to suffer now, to prove that I took good enough care of her while she was here?

.

I moved Zorro's collar from the kitchen counter where I put it yesterday after getting back, into one of the empty chocolate boxes;
I left the top partially open. I let Serena sniff it first.
I think I won't wash it; keep Z's smell on it.

In retrospect, I'm sure glad the vet ppl asked if we wanted to keep it. Mom had asked me at first I think, and I'd intended
to leave it on Zorro then, maybe not wanting her to be without it, naked. Maybe I didn't want to disturb her body.
I'm not sure exactly what my thoughts were. I guess I didn't know what I'd do with it, other than it being a painful memory.
I think I wondered whether they would cremate her with it on, or take it off first.

But now I'm glad to have it, to have a physical memory of her.
I remember now how long I had Pinky's tag, and wore it around my neck every day, after she died.
Oh my sweet Zorro! [ cries ]
..
Thought in exercise room: At least there's nothing in this room to remind me of Z.
Nor in the bedroom, except I remember her barking at that back gate a few times.
No more having to get up in the middle of the night or early morning to check out what Z is frantically barking at.
..
No more taking both S&Z for a walk (even just to mom's house), and having them race each other to get ahead.

I got the SD card out of the backyard V3 cam again and copied more video clips from it. Yesterday it had folders from 04/27 but today only from
04/30! I don't want to lose any good clips, so now I'm up late again.
It's interesting how most times when Z went out to potty, if she then walked towards the grass, she would always pause for quite a while with her front half out of view, behind the one big pine tree. There must be something interesting-smelling there?