(no subject)

When I'm at home, alone in the house, I'm more likely to yell or scream when something frustrates me, such as the mouse on the computer not working. This is something I allow myself to do... I've had the perspective that it's a good thing to occasionally let loose pent-up emotions in that way.

Whereas when I'm at work with other people around, I contain my annoyance better. I might glare at my monitor, or tap my fingers impatiently a few times, or hit the keys more loudly for a bit while typing, but I certainly don't scream or shout.

But I was thinking this morning, that yelling does not seem to make me feel any better than the other quieter methods do. And actually, the quieter methods may even be less stressful for me. In a way, hearing myself scream in frustration is almost as stressful for me as it would be, hearing someone else do so.

It leaves me with a disquieting sense of not being able to control myself. (Even though I am obviously able to control myself, since I do so at work). But it also leaves me with a sense of being a negative, bitchy person... and I even feel somewhat guilty sometimes, thinking that Yoda, even though he's not human, may feel nervous when he hears me yelling from the other room. It would be embarrassing too, if someone else were to happen to come within earshot of me, without my knowing it.

So I think I shall try to refrain from screaming and shouting when I am annoyed, even when I am alone. I think that will give myself a better view of myself as a calm and competent person. I'll save the yelling for those times when I truly feel like yelling, because I want to, like when I'm singing, not because something has goaded me into it.

.

I suppose one good thing about it was that it gave my vocal cords exercise, which they don't get much of, otherwise.

belief and healing

This is the 3rd time I've decided to go to a chiropractor in hopes of having a discomfort fixed. It seems that I always have high hopes when deciding to go to the chiropractor, but afterwards... I begin to feel that I get no real benefit from the sessions.

On the one hand, I do believe that a misaligned spine can cause much pain and discomfort. And I am often able to relieve my own minor discomforts by twisting and stretching my back, whereby my vertebrae *snap* back into place. (this is such a natural thing for me to do, yet I rarely see or hear anyone else doing it... but that's a different subject). It's when I'm not able to do so on my own, that I start thinking that a chiropractor could help.

But after going to the chiropractor, and having my problem area "adjusted", it really doesn't seem to have much effect (unlike when I snap my own back). The chiropractor tells me to wait a few days to see if it feels better, and if not, to come back in a week. This leaves me feeling like my ailment really isn't something that the chiropractor can fix, and that he's just doing something (the "adjustment") to make me BELIEVE that I am being helped, while hoping that my problem will heal itself in the meantime, the same as it would have done on its own.

Is it possible that simply believing that my problem was being helped, would make it heal quicker? Is my disbelief working against me?

Perhaps no medicine or treatment works, without the patient having belief in it.

(no subject)

For a large part of my life, I wasn't particularly happy, but I wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, because I could not envision how being involved with anyone else in a relationship-way could make me happy either. I couldn't envision being involved with anyone.

Then for a while, I had this idea... about finding someone compatible with me, with whom a relationship would be desirable. I'm not sure what I was envisioning, but I must have seen some possibility in it.

Now, I still desire a relationship, but I'm losing that vision.... of how anyone could be compatible with me. I don't know what it would take, for someone to be compatible with me. I don't know what I want or what I need or what would make me happy. So how can I envision anyone who is what I want, or what I need, or who could make me happy? And if I can't envision it... how can I look for it? I feel sometimes like I'm reverting back to how I used to be... except I still have a desire for closeness, for love, even though I can't imagine it. I can imagine bits and pieces, but I can't put them together into a whole that doesn't fall apart.