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gender and limits
Sunday, February 18th, 2007 07:39 pmSo far, my list of BDSM limits has included no shaving of my armpits or legs.
From one perspective, having to shave my legs shouldn't really be such a big deal. I've never done it before, but I suppose I could learn, and it shouldn't really make much difference even though I'd no longer have my cute and precious never-before-shorn little leghairs. And even though I'd probably feel less good-looking with shaved stubble and bald legs.
The same thing could be said about shaving my armpits, although I do have another concern there. My armpit skin is sensitive, and I sometimes get a rash. When that happens, use of deodorant causes burning, itching, and further redness. It is inconvenient not being able to apply deodorant until the rash goes away. My concern is that shaving would cause me to get such rashes more often. But still, having no hairs in my armpits shouldn't be a big deal in general.
From a different perspective however, not shaving is an aspect of my gender identity. It is significant to me. I've never shaved those parts of my body. I am proud of having been able to express my gender identity by not following the female "norm" for this. Women usually shave those parts of their bodies; men usually don't. It never made sense to me as to why females should have to shave those parts, while men didn't. I am glad not to have been brainwashed into thinking that there's something bad about having these cute little hairs on my body.
Since I have a regular female body, when I am naked, this is one of the few things that distinguishes me from most other adult females. (Having unpierced ears is another). If I were to shave my legs and armpits like other women do, I'd look just like them. It would bother me. I'd feel that I had succumbed to the fallacious notion that females need to shave in order to be pretty. Or that I'd been forced into the negative role of playing the part of one of those women, just to please someone else.
Having a Dom want me to shave those parts of my body would also bother me, because it would tend to make me feel that he really did not understand my gender identity, and that he really viewed me as just another woman. I would feel that he were trying to transform me into the stereotypical sexual ideal of how a woman should look, even though I am not a woman but rather an androgyne. I would feel that he did not understand me, or truly respect me, or like me as I am and for who I am.
I do not have the same issues with shaving my pubic hair. That is not currently a limit. I've never done it before, but it is not something that I feel is connected to my gender identity. Shaving that part of my body, while not something I desire to do, would not bother me in the same way. Likewise, having my head shaved would not bother me either.
Another limit of mine is that a Dom will not have control over my hairstyle or hairlength. My hairstyle is also partially an aspect of my gender identity. It is not as significant to me as the shaving of legs and armpits, but having a very short hairstyle is another way of visibly distinguishing myself from most other females. In my first relationship with a Dom, I was not allowed to cut my hair. This ended up being a sore point for me, when the relationship was no longer satisfying me. I was annoyed at not being allowed to cut my hair, when I didn't even seem to be getting anything good out of the relationship. I was also upset by the thought that he preferred me to look like (and by inference, to be like) a typical woman. It wasn't just a temporary annoyance; in hot weather I often feel like cutting my hair short, so it was an ongoing thing, until I eventually rebelled.
In order to avoid another such scenario, I decided to make that a future limit. I didn't want not being allowed to cut my hair to become a sore point between another Dom and me. I am not sure whether this limit is truly reasonable or not. It seems that most Doms want their subs to have long hair. And I certainly do like having long enough hair on my head for a Dom to grab. But I also like having very short hair. Not just because of gender, but because it is comfortable and easy to care for. The past year or two, I've compromised with myself - having long hair in one part for a ponytail, but cutting it short elsewhere.
Clothing is another aspect of my gender identity. When the first Dom I was involved with told me that I'd be required to wear a skirt and/or dress for him, it initially upset me very much. I eventually decided that I would submit to a Dom (or that Dom, anyway) telling me what to wear when I was in his presence, but not otherwise. I likened it to wearing a costume... wearing a costume for someone shouldn't be a problem, if that's what they wanted. However, in general, having a Dom wanting me to dress in a feminine fashion would still bother me, for similar reasons as with them wanting me to shave. With clothing, it is not just an issue of how the Dom views me or how I view myself, but also of how other people view me. If I were out in public wearing feminine clothing, it would bother me that other people would see me as a regular woman, as opposed to my normal androgyne self / my real self.
From one perspective, having to shave my legs shouldn't really be such a big deal. I've never done it before, but I suppose I could learn, and it shouldn't really make much difference even though I'd no longer have my cute and precious never-before-shorn little leghairs. And even though I'd probably feel less good-looking with shaved stubble and bald legs.
The same thing could be said about shaving my armpits, although I do have another concern there. My armpit skin is sensitive, and I sometimes get a rash. When that happens, use of deodorant causes burning, itching, and further redness. It is inconvenient not being able to apply deodorant until the rash goes away. My concern is that shaving would cause me to get such rashes more often. But still, having no hairs in my armpits shouldn't be a big deal in general.
From a different perspective however, not shaving is an aspect of my gender identity. It is significant to me. I've never shaved those parts of my body. I am proud of having been able to express my gender identity by not following the female "norm" for this. Women usually shave those parts of their bodies; men usually don't. It never made sense to me as to why females should have to shave those parts, while men didn't. I am glad not to have been brainwashed into thinking that there's something bad about having these cute little hairs on my body.
Since I have a regular female body, when I am naked, this is one of the few things that distinguishes me from most other adult females. (Having unpierced ears is another). If I were to shave my legs and armpits like other women do, I'd look just like them. It would bother me. I'd feel that I had succumbed to the fallacious notion that females need to shave in order to be pretty. Or that I'd been forced into the negative role of playing the part of one of those women, just to please someone else.
Having a Dom want me to shave those parts of my body would also bother me, because it would tend to make me feel that he really did not understand my gender identity, and that he really viewed me as just another woman. I would feel that he were trying to transform me into the stereotypical sexual ideal of how a woman should look, even though I am not a woman but rather an androgyne. I would feel that he did not understand me, or truly respect me, or like me as I am and for who I am.
I do not have the same issues with shaving my pubic hair. That is not currently a limit. I've never done it before, but it is not something that I feel is connected to my gender identity. Shaving that part of my body, while not something I desire to do, would not bother me in the same way. Likewise, having my head shaved would not bother me either.
Another limit of mine is that a Dom will not have control over my hairstyle or hairlength. My hairstyle is also partially an aspect of my gender identity. It is not as significant to me as the shaving of legs and armpits, but having a very short hairstyle is another way of visibly distinguishing myself from most other females. In my first relationship with a Dom, I was not allowed to cut my hair. This ended up being a sore point for me, when the relationship was no longer satisfying me. I was annoyed at not being allowed to cut my hair, when I didn't even seem to be getting anything good out of the relationship. I was also upset by the thought that he preferred me to look like (and by inference, to be like) a typical woman. It wasn't just a temporary annoyance; in hot weather I often feel like cutting my hair short, so it was an ongoing thing, until I eventually rebelled.
In order to avoid another such scenario, I decided to make that a future limit. I didn't want not being allowed to cut my hair to become a sore point between another Dom and me. I am not sure whether this limit is truly reasonable or not. It seems that most Doms want their subs to have long hair. And I certainly do like having long enough hair on my head for a Dom to grab. But I also like having very short hair. Not just because of gender, but because it is comfortable and easy to care for. The past year or two, I've compromised with myself - having long hair in one part for a ponytail, but cutting it short elsewhere.
Clothing is another aspect of my gender identity. When the first Dom I was involved with told me that I'd be required to wear a skirt and/or dress for him, it initially upset me very much. I eventually decided that I would submit to a Dom (or that Dom, anyway) telling me what to wear when I was in his presence, but not otherwise. I likened it to wearing a costume... wearing a costume for someone shouldn't be a problem, if that's what they wanted. However, in general, having a Dom wanting me to dress in a feminine fashion would still bother me, for similar reasons as with them wanting me to shave. With clothing, it is not just an issue of how the Dom views me or how I view myself, but also of how other people view me. If I were out in public wearing feminine clothing, it would bother me that other people would see me as a regular woman, as opposed to my normal androgyne self / my real self.