darkoshi: (Default)
I got my taxes done.

I made a pie with a chocolate filling. It's somewhat gooey, not what I was expecting from the photo on the box. But it's actually good, even though it also tastes oddly like it contains grape syrup mixed in with the chocolate. Based on the ingredients list, I can't imagine why. It contains alkalized cocoa, and the link I posted before indicates that the non-alkalized sort is the kind that's more likely to taste "fruity".

I also made some Waldmeister Goetterspeise which is a German jello with a unique flavor not found in the U.S. My aunt used to make it for me as a kid (with vanilla sauce on top!), and I still like it. The flavor isn't as intense as I remembered though.

I trimmed my hair a bit. It was tickling the back of my neck too much a few days ago. My torso gets itchy sometimes. When I scratch, the skin gets pinkish red, and small itchy bumps, widely scattered, appear. When I stop scratching, it goes away. I haven't figured out a cause. It's been happening for a few years now. (Of course, having written "torso" there, now a few spots on my arms and legs started itching.)

I'm over my cold, but still have a lot of phlegm. That always used to be the one of the worst parts of a cold, the weeks and weeks of snot that would only slowly diminish back to normal levels. So I did neti today for the first time in possibly 5 years. I stopped using neti around then, after reading warnings against doing neti with unsterile tap water. Well, I used tap water today, like I used to. Anything else is too much trouble. But after reading the warnings again, I may forgo the whole thing for another 5 years.

I used LJSec to delete my old protected posts from LJ, as that was something that had been on my to-do list for a while. There may not be much point in having done it, but at least it is off my list now. First, I did another import of all entries & comments from LJ over to DW, as well as a few backups of both my LJ and DW (with LJArchive), to make sure I wouldn't lose anything. The only problem with LJArchive is that imported comments don't show up with the user's LJ name like it does on the Dreamwidth pages, but rather with a generic ext_#### ID. If I have time someday, I'd like to see if I can update the utility to fix that.

A few weeks ago, I cancelled my Netflix subscription, as I was using it so rarely. Qiao has another Netflix account anyway, which I can use when I want to. He also has an Amazon Prime account for watching videos.

Last week at work, I was able to find the cause of another problem, and fix it. Well, I probably fixed more than one problem, but the last one is the one I remember. It gives me such a rush, a good feeling, being able to discover what obscure thing is making the code not work right and how to fix it, when I still don't even understand what half of the rest of the code is meant to do. I was thinking, I've been working on this same general code base, though it has undergone many transfigurations, for the past 22 years. I could spend my whole *life* working on it, and I still wouldn't understand it all, especially because it is constantly being changed. That made me think for a moment that maybe I should leave this job, just so that *whole life* part wouldn't come true. Eh. But whatever, this code or some other code, what difference. Hmm. Coming up on the end of the quarter. Wonder if they will have layoffs.

man ma'am

Thursday, May 12th, 2016 12:48 am
darkoshi: (Default)
At work, a guy from the cleaning staff came into my cube and swiped his duster across the top of my cabinets. It startled me - in the past, the lady who did it would ask me first if I wanted my cube dusted, and I'd step out of her way while she did it.

As he swiped the first cabinet, this guy said something like "How are you doing, ma'am?" and I replied something like "I'm good". Then, hearing my voice, he corrected himself, saying that from behind, my hair had looked like a guy's. So I realized he had originally addressed me as "man", not "ma'am".

Neither bothers me. I'm neither man nor ma'am, so either is fine with me.

Then I wondered if he had pegged me as female instead of male, if he might not have just walked into my cube like that.


I cut my hair a few weeks ago, and have been quite pleased with it. It's short on the sides and back, slightly longer on top, with a longer section in the top-back that could be tied into a small pony-tail. I had the same style several years ago, but maintaining the pony-tail part is difficult... when trimming hair it's much easier to cut it off than to evenly cut around it so that its shape remains circular.

Another good thing is that my left leg is regaining its former flexibility. For a year or 2, I hadn't been able to stretch it without feeling an unpleasant kind of ache. But recently something seems to have clicked back into place... maybe ligaments finally loosening or something, and it's back to a normal feeling.

My bottom thigh muscles still feel slight discomfort simply from the driver's seat pressing against them. But I don't have the nerve spasms anymore, which I had last year. Maybe the extra walking I've been doing has helped on both counts.

dry shampoo

Saturday, July 12th, 2014 01:24 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I bought some dry shampoo powder to help deal with my hair being extra greasy lately. The ingredients include cocoa powder to make it less visible when used on dark hair. That sounded like a good idea at the time. I suppose it is, if you don't mind smelling cocoa all day long. But in retrospect, I'd prefer having my hair look a tad grayer (from using a light colored powder), to the constant smell of cocoa. Another drawback is the possibility of cocoa stains on my shirt collar or pillowcase.

One reason I bought the dry shampoo is that I thought a scented product would be more pleasant than plain cornstarch. The shampoo is scented nicely with essential oils. But now I'm not sure if that nice scent would distract/bother me too, even without the cocoa.

So now I'm trying plain cornstarch. I didn't have an empty spice bottle to put it in (to make application easier), so I'm instead using one of those small plastic bottles that toothpicks sometimes come in. It too has a perforated lid so that I can shake/sprinkle the powder out.
darkoshi: (Default)
Lana gives a long speech. I wasn't planning to watch the whole thing*, but it was so entertaining and touching, that I did.

Video title: Lana Wachowski receives the HRC Visibility Award
Posted by: Human Rights Campaign
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crHHycz7T_c

And her hair is beautiful!

* I was initially intrigued by the following quote from the speech (between 12:34 and 12:47) which a fellow androgyne pointed out:

". . . transition. Parenthetically, this is a word that is a very complicated subject for me because of its complicity in a binary gender narrative that I am not particularly comfortable with."

scattered thoughts

Saturday, March 13th, 2010 02:46 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I've gained a bit of weight this last year. I've noticed a few of my pants having become uncomfortably snug. I don't like tight pants. I'm debating whether to dismiss it and simply not wear those pants anymore, versus trying to lose a few pounds... my fear is that I'll keep gaining more weight if I don't do something now. I'm not sure what, if anything, I've done differently this year than the others, to cause me to gain weight, other than spending more time doing office work and possibly less time exercising. I actually started off the year quite well, doing daily exercises again after a long hiatus, but when I work late, then I don't have time for exercising.


My hair is too long and girly-looking. I started off the morning just wanting to cut it shorter, but after watching some videos of myself from prior years, now I'm sort of feeling like putting some blue streaks in it again too. But it's such a hassle to do. I'm not sure if my hair-bleach is still good.


I want to finish taking down the christmas tree. I want to fix the sound problem on Forestfen's computer. I want to finish entering data into my mother-of-godzilla detailed financial spreadsheet, so that I can see the final numbers which will really not be very useful, but at least I'll be able to ponder the mystical numbers and be finished with it, so there, hah!

I want to watch various movies on Netflix which I've put into my instant-viewing queue.

I want to take off my shirt and use my flogger on myself in the yellow room, with the sun shining in, and me singing/humming to myself... I suppose I should do that before getting shredded bits of hair and bleach and blue dye all over myself. Somebody, tell the clouds to move away so that the sunshine comes back!
darkoshi: (Default)
Video from 2010/01/31
Ice on trees on a sunny day, after we had freezing rain. Also some video of the subtle purple glow in my hair from the dye I put in the week before, and some gratuitous puppy-dog shots.

The dye is Special Effects "deep purple". I applied it to all my hair, without having used any bleach. The color was subtle to begin with, and it seems to be fading fairly fast.

(Video corrected to include the part that it was missing earlier - a zoom-in on the ice on the tree branches.)

(no subject)

Sunday, January 24th, 2010 01:42 am
darkoshi: (Default)
I dyed my hair with Special Effects deep purple hair color, without bleaching first. I read that this might make the hair look dark/black with purplish highlights. And it did turn out that way! The color is subtle but cool. I'm not sure if a photo would capture the purplishness. Hopefully it will last a while.

(no subject)

Saturday, August 30th, 2008 10:24 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
My guyfriend is an old fogey. He thinks blue is not a good color for hair. Sigh. And I was feeling enthusiastic about it this morning. But that made me cry. (Why am I in a relationship with someone who doesn't think colorful hair is cool? He must have been pretending to like my hair the last time I colored it, 2 years ago... or maybe I just remember it that way, because I liked my hair then, and I remember my impressions, not his. How much else which is important to me, does he not like?) After a while of crying, I realized that I hadn't been crying much in recent times. Although I felt oddly bad yesterday evening too.

Memory of rope. Like everything else, ambivalence.

I've got tiger-stripes today. Tomorrow they will be blue. Old fogeys notwithstanding. Growl.


I am an androgyne. That is my word for myself. My thought of myself. Other people probably see me as female, woman, girl, weird person, or whatever. That is their word for me. Their thought of me. It doesn't matter. I am still the same person. I am still me. Their words aren't any less right for their minds, than my word is right for my mind.

Some cultures use the same word for green as for blue. It is one color to them, different shades. Yet that does not mean that they cannot see a difference between something which is green and which is blue. Although the difference may not seem as prominent to them, as to people from other cultures who have different words for each color.



The person who did this video caught my attention yesterday, due to the very cool outfits and hair she has in some of her other vids. This vid, which I watched today, impressed me too, in spite of it not showcasing her. She made the vid while rollerblading through an abandoned neighborhood... it seems creepy, how empty the neighborhood seems and how neglected and rundown the empty houses are, and how many of the doors aren't even locked. It bothered me, the idea of her trespassing into these empty houses.

The first-person perspective of rollerblading down the streets though... oh my, that looks like fun!

After watching the video, I did a search, and found out that this neighborhood had been abandoned over the course of nearly 2 decades, while the neighboring airport took over the land, for a new runway. Yet after all this time, there are still empty houses standing. And these empty houses have become victims of graffiti and vandalism and arson, in addition to neglect. It seemed such a sad thing... to imagine the people who used to live there, having moved away, and then being witness to their old neighborhood and homes transforming into this sorry state.

notes to self

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 07:19 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I want to cut my hair. The way it is now, it reminds me of how I had it for much of my adolescence, and it seems blah to me. I've been going through photos of me from the last decade to see which hairstyles look best on me.

In all the photos I really like, I had it very short (<1cm) on the sides and back.

The ones where it is that short on top too are good.
The ones where it is a few inches on top are good.
The ones where it was in-between those lengths on top, I don't much like.
The ones where it was long enough to just cover my eyes looked good, but I don't think I could stand that again.

Having the hair longer in a small part on the top-back part of my head, for a pony-tail, are good.

Having it an inch or so all over and bleached is not so great.
Having it like that, with the sides cut very short and dark, is good.

Blue is good. Green is not so good.

(no subject)

Wednesday, December 26th, 2007 08:21 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I had a dream about one of the people on my LJ friends-list ([livejournal.com profile] tlttlotd) last night. They were showing off bionic/cybernetic body modifications which they had. There were a whole bunch of these mods, but I only remember an extra pair of arms, and metal hands protuding from the inside of both knees, each grasping a bundle of crossbow-bolts/arrows.


I got to see photos taken of me earlier this year. I looked really cute in them. I like the way my hair was then, very short on the bottom and not too long on the top, and no hair pins. The vest I had on looked good too, and I looked so slim and dapper, leaning against the counter with my hands in my pants-pockets. In most of the photos I even had a cute look on my face, which was surprising since I don't normally photograph that well.

Before that, I had already decided to end my experiment with growing out my hair. On Xmas Eve morning, my hair was being quite annoying as usual - it doesn't matter how long it gets, it still manages to curl up and tickle my nose - and I had come to the conclusion that I did not like the way I looked with my hair like that, and that I likely wouldn't like it much better even with it longer. So I cut the front hair into bangs again. Now I don't need to use pins anymore - freedom! (man, those hair-pins were torturous.) I had decided to cut more than that, but that this would do as a temporary measure.


I glanced at the glowing Christmas tree and burst into tears, before. This is the first year I've had a Christmas tree on my own, in my own house (although it is really Forestfen's tree, and our accumulated ornaments on it). And it seems odd, somehow. I put it up all on my own, alone. And now it is standing there, alone with me in this house. The lights are glowing pretty.

hair milestone

Monday, November 19th, 2007 12:18 am
darkoshi: (Default)
Today was the first day since I started growing my bangs out that my hair felt comfortable enough not to have to pin it back out of my face. In other words, it wasn't scratching my eyeballs or tickling my nose.

It sure is nice to be able to pull shirts over my head again, without it messing up the pins in my hair. And it looks much better without the pins.


I can see the sun as it rises from the yellow room window.

(The sun below the horizon is a window reflection.)
It is surprising how fast the sun rises - on the day I took the above photo, the sun was only halfway over the horizon when I first looked out the window, and that is what I wanted to capture. But in the minute or so that it took me to get my camera from the other room, it had already risen all the way over the horizon, as can be seen in the photo.

I will take a photo every week or so until the solstice, so I can see how the sun moves along the horizon, and what the southernmost sunrise point is... Maybe I'll try to figure out where it should rise on the solstice, based on this data, and then see if I'm right or not.

(no subject)

Tuesday, June 19th, 2007 07:37 am
darkoshi: (Default)
Another thing I don't like about having long hair, is ending up with strands of hair in the sink, in the tub, on the floor, anytime I wash my hair or comb my hair or run my fingers through my hair...

I left my bathroom scale at FF's house because she uses it, so I haven't weighed myself in the past month. Usually, in the past, I did so every morning. So I wonder if my weight has remained the same, or gone up or down any. My pants still fit well, so I doubt it's gone up much, if any. I guess that means my weight is pretty stable, even without the effect that seeing my weight in the morning may have on me... That's something I've wondered occasionally, because if I notice my weight going up, I tend to get scared and feel like I should eat less. And vice-versa, if I notice my weight going down, I feel like I should eat more.

I was planning on buying myself a new scale, but maybe not having a scale would make it easier for me to gain a few pounds, which I sometimes feel like I should do. If I didn't notice my weight going up, by seeing it on the scale, I'd be less likely to fight it, consciously or not. But if my weight is stable as it is, apparently it's not going to go up on its own.

(no subject)

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007 09:36 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
I like the way I look with my bangs this long, when they hang in my face. But I can't stand having them hang in my face for long. So I use pins to hold them back. But I don't like the way that looks. I have a feeling I won't like the way my hair looks even when it grows long enough to stay out of my eyes even without the pins.

I feel troubled. But I'm too busy to spend much time thinking about it. Thinking about it wouldn't do any good anyway. But I'm in a mood to cry so maybe I will think about it tonight. If I'm not so tired that I just fall asleep. Then again, I don't really feel like crying either.

The house has curious fire alarms in several of the rooms that I at first mistook for doorbells.

(no subject)

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 06:35 pm
darkoshi: (Default)
My back is feeling much better. I went to a chiropractor yesterday, and it did seem to help. My belief in chiropractors has been somewhat restored.

I may be getting my own place soon - if nothing untoward happens in the next few days. I've been trying not to jinx it, by not talking about it much.

My computer's been having start-up issues lately. It often reboots itself while loading Windows. I must research this.

I spoke briefly on the phone with my brother's old friend from high school. He is vegan too. I can't think of anyone else whom I've known in person, who is vegan. Oh. I guess my German aunt's former neighbor is too, based on some of the newsletters he forwards to Forestfen. So that is 2 vegans I know of. Out of all the people I have ever met. Sigh. Or maybe there have been more, and my memory is just bad.

My bangs are long enough that they bother me. I haven't decided whether to grow them out or cut them off... which might result in me cutting the rest of the hair on the top of my head short again, too. For now, I am keeping them out of my face with hairpins. I don't like the look of the hairpins in my hair, though. Perhaps I will find some other style that I like better. But I doubt there are any that are much better. Long hair is feminine-looking enough, and hairpins make it even worse.
darkoshi: (Default)
Having a Dom want me to do those things seems similar to a Dom/me wanting their transsexual MTF submissive to get her hair cut in a short men's style, and to wear men's clothing, and to present as male. While on the one hand, it can seem a great act of submission for the sub to go along with this just to please the Dom/me, it's also obviously going to make the sub feel that the Dom/me doesn't respect their true gender, and actually views them as the other gender, and would really prefer them to be that other gender, instead of who they actually are.

It would also be similar to a Dom/me wanting their non-transgendered male submissive to grow his hair long and to wear women's clothing, or for a Dom/me wanting their non-transgendered female submissive to cut her hair short and to wear men's clothing. Except that in these cases, the sub's physical sex would still probably be quite apparent for most observers, so perhaps the sub wouldn't feel quite as strongly that their own gender, which matches their physical sex, was being hidden/buried. But it would be just as emotionally discomforting for them, and perhaps even more so than for me (since my own gender-id is between that of a man and woman, whereas for them, it would be on the other end of what they were being made to present as).

Submissive females (or bottoms) often have a limit that the Dom can't cut off their hair. At least, I believe I have heard a few people stating that as a limit of theirs. Their hairstyle is a part of their identity. They would feel less feminine and less attractive with short hair. That is the same kind of reasoning as my own gender-related limits (even though for them, they would most likely still be seen as female, even with short hair - so their actual gender would not be in question). So why should these limits of mine be seen as unreasonable, or as a sign that I am not really submissive?

Other than the first Dom I was involved with, no one else has explicitly said that, but that is the feeling I get, of how other people view (or would view) those limits of mine. Which perhaps just means that I feel that hardly anyone truly understands my gender identity.

I feel that the 2nd Dom whom I was (briefly) involved with, understood my gender best. He seemed to treat my gender-id as a positive thing... he took to calling me "boy" (which I was very tickled by)... he even asked if I preferred "boy" or "boi"... he even asked what pronouns I preferred, and he actually used them when referring to me while chatting with someone else! He even seemed to understand that one of my issues with not wanting to gain any weight (in spite of telling me that it would still be wise for me to do so) was because it would make me look more feminine.
darkoshi: (Default)
So far, my list of BDSM limits has included no shaving of my armpits or legs.

From one perspective, having to shave my legs shouldn't really be such a big deal. I've never done it before, but I suppose I could learn, and it shouldn't really make much difference even though I'd no longer have my cute and precious never-before-shorn little leghairs. And even though I'd probably feel less good-looking with shaved stubble and bald legs.

The same thing could be said about shaving my armpits, although I do have another concern there. My armpit skin is sensitive, and I sometimes get a rash. When that happens, use of deodorant causes burning, itching, and further redness. It is inconvenient not being able to apply deodorant until the rash goes away. My concern is that shaving would cause me to get such rashes more often. But still, having no hairs in my armpits shouldn't be a big deal in general.

From a different perspective however, not shaving is an aspect of my gender identity. It is significant to me. I've never shaved those parts of my body. I am proud of having been able to express my gender identity by not following the female "norm" for this. Women usually shave those parts of their bodies; men usually don't. It never made sense to me as to why females should have to shave those parts, while men didn't. I am glad not to have been brainwashed into thinking that there's something bad about having these cute little hairs on my body.

Since I have a regular female body, when I am naked, this is one of the few things that distinguishes me from most other adult females. (Having unpierced ears is another). If I were to shave my legs and armpits like other women do, I'd look just like them. It would bother me. I'd feel that I had succumbed to the fallacious notion that females need to shave in order to be pretty. Or that I'd been forced into the negative role of playing the part of one of those women, just to please someone else.

Having a Dom want me to shave those parts of my body would also bother me, because it would tend to make me feel that he really did not understand my gender identity, and that he really viewed me as just another woman. I would feel that he were trying to transform me into the stereotypical sexual ideal of how a woman should look, even though I am not a woman but rather an androgyne. I would feel that he did not understand me, or truly respect me, or like me as I am and for who I am.

I do not have the same issues with shaving my pubic hair. That is not currently a limit. I've never done it before, but it is not something that I feel is connected to my gender identity. Shaving that part of my body, while not something I desire to do, would not bother me in the same way. Likewise, having my head shaved would not bother me either.

Another limit of mine is that a Dom will not have control over my hairstyle or hairlength. My hairstyle is also partially an aspect of my gender identity. It is not as significant to me as the shaving of legs and armpits, but having a very short hairstyle is another way of visibly distinguishing myself from most other females. In my first relationship with a Dom, I was not allowed to cut my hair. This ended up being a sore point for me, when the relationship was no longer satisfying me. I was annoyed at not being allowed to cut my hair, when I didn't even seem to be getting anything good out of the relationship. I was also upset by the thought that he preferred me to look like (and by inference, to be like) a typical woman. It wasn't just a temporary annoyance; in hot weather I often feel like cutting my hair short, so it was an ongoing thing, until I eventually rebelled.

In order to avoid another such scenario, I decided to make that a future limit. I didn't want not being allowed to cut my hair to become a sore point between another Dom and me. I am not sure whether this limit is truly reasonable or not. It seems that most Doms want their subs to have long hair. And I certainly do like having long enough hair on my head for a Dom to grab. But I also like having very short hair. Not just because of gender, but because it is comfortable and easy to care for. The past year or two, I've compromised with myself - having long hair in one part for a ponytail, but cutting it short elsewhere.

Clothing is another aspect of my gender identity. When the first Dom I was involved with told me that I'd be required to wear a skirt and/or dress for him, it initially upset me very much. I eventually decided that I would submit to a Dom (or that Dom, anyway) telling me what to wear when I was in his presence, but not otherwise. I likened it to wearing a costume... wearing a costume for someone shouldn't be a problem, if that's what they wanted. However, in general, having a Dom wanting me to dress in a feminine fashion would still bother me, for similar reasons as with them wanting me to shave. With clothing, it is not just an issue of how the Dom views me or how I view myself, but also of how other people view me. If I were out in public wearing feminine clothing, it would bother me that other people would see me as a regular woman, as opposed to my normal androgyne self / my real self.

(no subject)

Saturday, September 3rd, 2005 09:11 am
darkoshi: (Default)
The Essure procedure went well, so now I just have to wait 3 months for the scar tissue to form and block off the tubes.

My brother and his girlfriend arrived yesterday... I was very amused to discover that, although my brother and I haven't seen any pictures of each other in quite a while, we've got very nearly the same hairstyle... very short all over except for a portion on the top-back of the head where it's left long for a ponytail.

feline fiesta

Saturday, May 7th, 2005 11:54 am
darkoshi: (Default)
My mom just made me laugh. As I was going to the mailbox, she was by her car, scrubbing it with a sponge. She exclaimed "The cats had a party on my car!" Pawprints were all over the hood. "And look at this mark here! A cat must have slid down the windshield!" Can you picture it? :D

I shall make some baklava now. For my foster sister's birthday and for my mom, since tomorrow is mother's day, and since they both like it. And for me, of course.

The green color in my hair fades rather fast. After 2 weeks, the bleached parts were already starting to show. But this cream-type dye is quite easy to apply, much less of a mess and hassle than I originally envisioned, so it doesn't really matter that it doesn't last long. One just needs to brush some of the dye in with an old toothbrush, let it sit half an hour or so, then take a shower and rinse the hair out well. And use an old towel for drying the hair, so that it won't matter if the towel gets stained.

Lying in bed this morning, I told myself that I'm a good person. That I'm a likeable person. That I'm worthy of being loved. And for some reason, it made me want to cry.

It doesn't matter how many people would or could or do think I'm lovable... if I can't envision feeling that way about them. It's so hard for me to envision anyone whom I would want to have a close, caring, serious relationship with. There's been only one person so far in my life, who's affected me enough to make me think I might in some ways feel that way about them, and even with them, there were just as many reasons for me not to feel that way about them. And that was someone who didn't even seem to like me very much.

But I do seem to have some belief in destiny. If something is meant to be, it will be. And if not, then not. Maybe I'm meant to meet someone special someday. Maybe I'm not meant to, and it won't ever happen. Maybe neither option is inherently worse than the other.

And I was crying yesterday again, and observing again, that the act of feeling sad and crying, isn't really such a bad thing. I can feel my chest constricting in anger, my mind shrieking incoherently, the warm tears flowing and dripping... my legs shivering... perhaps it is even like an orgasm... the emotion isn't such a bad feeling itself, when one doesn't pay attention to the thoughts which spark the emotion. Maybe it's even rather nice... maybe that is why I feel like crying sometimes, because it feels good...