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Saturday, January 17th, 2009 10:33 pmI feel like I'm floundering along through life. I make it through each day. Today I washed my hair, put more caulk over the cracked caulk in the bathroom, and vacuumed. And showed my brother and his partner my house. Floundering, because I don't have a goal. I can't think of any goals. Just being alive and surviving is time-consuming enough, without also figuring everything out when it seems there are no definite answers.
I have a cold. Pity me, for I am miserable with dry chapped skin and a runny nose and a sore throat. It could be worse, though.
Qiao said I should write that not only does he not make the bed, but he stays in the bed while I make it. When I sleep alone, the covers don't usually get very messed up, and I don't feel much need to make the bed the next day. I can just crawl back under the covers the next night, and they're still pretty much in place. But with Q, they always seem to get messed up. There's wrestling and tickling and protecting myself from ticklings, and him getting hot and throwing half the covers to my side during the night, and stuff like that. Maybe I'm just too much a perfectionist, that makes me want each layer to be positioned and aligned right.
While at the grocery store, I saw the aisle of red and pink Valentine's Day cards and thought of getting Q one. But a lot of the cards mention "love" and such (as one might expect), and I realized that I am still not comfortable with saying that I love him or giving him a card with those words. It does not seem truthful. Why don't I feel love? Shouldn't I feel love? What is it, that I feel? I'm ok with saying that I like him a lot. But love is liking someone very very very very very much, right? And I'm not sure I like him *that* much. I don't like anyone that much. Should I? Shouldn't I?
I wonder how much sex my brother and his partner have. I assume they must have sex. Would he be in a relationship with her, if they weren't having sex?
I am back to wondering if guys really only get into relationships for the sex. Maybe based on the not-rape page I read. So some guys will "use" females for sex... but if they do that, it would also make sense for them to get into long-term relationships with females in order to have ongoing sex. So is that why they get into relationships? Is there any other reason? Is that the main reason?
It bothers me when Q talks about his ex, as it always seems to be in a negative light. How can you think so badly of someone you were involved with? I know he's going to think that way of me too someday. Why am I involved with someone who can't see that there is good and bad in everyone? And that someone isn't just all bad. As if everything she did was done purposefully to make his life miserable. Like he was the victim of this horrible evil mean woman. Well, if he was, wasn't it his fault for staying in a relationship with her?
Is he messing up the covers on the bed, just in order to make me miserable? Is that how I should think of it, one day when we are no longer together?
.
Let's call my brother Bro, and his partner Pard. So I happened to mention something about my dad to them, and about my dad's wife, and Pard seemed surprised that my dad was remarried. She seemed to find it hard to believe he had found anyone who would put up with him... as if Bro had told her so many bad things about my dad, that Pard too sees him as an all-bad person. Yes, I know that my dad did not necessarily always treat Bro well, but I think he was trying to do what he thought was best. That does not make him an all-evil person. People often don't get along, but does that mean they are horrible? Everyone is horrible, in ways.
I have a cold. Pity me, for I am miserable with dry chapped skin and a runny nose and a sore throat. It could be worse, though.
Qiao said I should write that not only does he not make the bed, but he stays in the bed while I make it. When I sleep alone, the covers don't usually get very messed up, and I don't feel much need to make the bed the next day. I can just crawl back under the covers the next night, and they're still pretty much in place. But with Q, they always seem to get messed up. There's wrestling and tickling and protecting myself from ticklings, and him getting hot and throwing half the covers to my side during the night, and stuff like that. Maybe I'm just too much a perfectionist, that makes me want each layer to be positioned and aligned right.
While at the grocery store, I saw the aisle of red and pink Valentine's Day cards and thought of getting Q one. But a lot of the cards mention "love" and such (as one might expect), and I realized that I am still not comfortable with saying that I love him or giving him a card with those words. It does not seem truthful. Why don't I feel love? Shouldn't I feel love? What is it, that I feel? I'm ok with saying that I like him a lot. But love is liking someone very very very very very much, right? And I'm not sure I like him *that* much. I don't like anyone that much. Should I? Shouldn't I?
I wonder how much sex my brother and his partner have. I assume they must have sex. Would he be in a relationship with her, if they weren't having sex?
I am back to wondering if guys really only get into relationships for the sex. Maybe based on the not-rape page I read. So some guys will "use" females for sex... but if they do that, it would also make sense for them to get into long-term relationships with females in order to have ongoing sex. So is that why they get into relationships? Is there any other reason? Is that the main reason?
It bothers me when Q talks about his ex, as it always seems to be in a negative light. How can you think so badly of someone you were involved with? I know he's going to think that way of me too someday. Why am I involved with someone who can't see that there is good and bad in everyone? And that someone isn't just all bad. As if everything she did was done purposefully to make his life miserable. Like he was the victim of this horrible evil mean woman. Well, if he was, wasn't it his fault for staying in a relationship with her?
Is he messing up the covers on the bed, just in order to make me miserable? Is that how I should think of it, one day when we are no longer together?
.
Let's call my brother Bro, and his partner Pard. So I happened to mention something about my dad to them, and about my dad's wife, and Pard seemed surprised that my dad was remarried. She seemed to find it hard to believe he had found anyone who would put up with him... as if Bro had told her so many bad things about my dad, that Pard too sees him as an all-bad person. Yes, I know that my dad did not necessarily always treat Bro well, but I think he was trying to do what he thought was best. That does not make him an all-evil person. People often don't get along, but does that mean they are horrible? Everyone is horrible, in ways.