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lack of nostalgia
Saturday, February 6th, 2010 07:56 pmStrange.
I was reading an article on the benefits of nostalgia. Then I got to thinking that I remember feeling nostalgia when I was younger, in my teens or so. But I don't feel nostalgia anymore. I think it is part of my dysthymia. Most of my adult memories hold no joy for me. They are either emotionally neutral or emotionally negative, and hold no special meaning. That is probably because I've been depressed/dysthymic for most of my adult life.
In regards to my pre-adulthood memories, the ones some of which I think I used to feel nostalgic about.... it is difficult for me to remember what memories I used to feel nostalgic about. I can't think of any particularly happy memories, off the top of my head. I have to sit and think for a long time... most of the details that I recall are negative aspects of things. The experiences that used to seem meaningful and special now seem desolate and lonely and meaningless.
So anyway, I remembered a pleasant experience (sitting in a theater watching/listening to the opening music of Return of the Jedi for the first time, getting goosebumps...) so I focused on that memory. It doesn't make me feel good anymore; it feels neutral; Star Wars holds no special meaning for me anymore. I feel a slight yearning to recapture the magic of that moment. Then a Vangelis song (Chariots of Fire) that I had recorded on an audiotape back around that time started playing in my mind... It was an emotionally laden song, but good emotions - hopeful and majestic. But upon hearing a bit of it in my mind, I burst out crying, for no conscious reason. I don't know why it made me cry. Maybe feeling a glimmer of remembrance of a time when I didn't feel like I do now, makes me incredibly sad that I no longer feel that way.
I don't feel nostalgia. Even when I remember something good, it makes me sad.
I was reading an article on the benefits of nostalgia. Then I got to thinking that I remember feeling nostalgia when I was younger, in my teens or so. But I don't feel nostalgia anymore. I think it is part of my dysthymia. Most of my adult memories hold no joy for me. They are either emotionally neutral or emotionally negative, and hold no special meaning. That is probably because I've been depressed/dysthymic for most of my adult life.
In regards to my pre-adulthood memories, the ones some of which I think I used to feel nostalgic about.... it is difficult for me to remember what memories I used to feel nostalgic about. I can't think of any particularly happy memories, off the top of my head. I have to sit and think for a long time... most of the details that I recall are negative aspects of things. The experiences that used to seem meaningful and special now seem desolate and lonely and meaningless.
So anyway, I remembered a pleasant experience (sitting in a theater watching/listening to the opening music of Return of the Jedi for the first time, getting goosebumps...) so I focused on that memory. It doesn't make me feel good anymore; it feels neutral; Star Wars holds no special meaning for me anymore. I feel a slight yearning to recapture the magic of that moment. Then a Vangelis song (Chariots of Fire) that I had recorded on an audiotape back around that time started playing in my mind... It was an emotionally laden song, but good emotions - hopeful and majestic. But upon hearing a bit of it in my mind, I burst out crying, for no conscious reason. I don't know why it made me cry. Maybe feeling a glimmer of remembrance of a time when I didn't feel like I do now, makes me incredibly sad that I no longer feel that way.
I don't feel nostalgia. Even when I remember something good, it makes me sad.