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I walked today in the SC Pride parade, along with some other members of my BDSM group. There were just a few people standing along the route with anti-gay religious signs, way outnumbered by the number of people waving and honking their car horns in support. At one point, I reminded myself that the reason for having a parade is for entertaining the onlookers - for being seen, and that the people on the sidewalks, and the people in the cars on the other side of the road, were our audience... that not only was it amusing that we were paying attention and/or waving to them, and that the others were cheering whenever someone would honk or wave, but that it was the purpose of the parade.
It felt a bit stressful after a while, feeling that I had to keep smiling (or my attempt at smiling), because I know that when I don't try to smile, my face looks downcast, and I'd hate for people to see a downcast person in the parade. And after a while of trying to keep on a smiling face, it begins to feel fake and awkward for me... and the noise was stressful too. But I managed. And I waved once in a while. And it was good.
Then I walked around the festival for a bit, and the noise there was loud. I would have liked to have just sat down for a while and watched things/people... or maybe go up to the swings for a while, and then back down... but the parking meter I had parked at was a 2-hour max, and my time was nearly up, so I had to go back. I could have put more money in, but around that time I started feeling down, and I didn't feel like going back, especially when I only had 3 quarters left, which meant I'd only be able to go back for one hour anyway. Fucking parking meter. Ruined my day.
But actually, I was feeling down because... being (alone) amongst so many people like that makes me feel so isolated, so separate. Sure, I had marched along with other members of my group, but I had only even exchanged greetings with a couple of them. (One of the simple basic social niceties, and I fail at it.) One of the group members, I didn't even recognize. After the parade, another guy commented on my blue hair... he was being friendly, I realized in retrospect after I got home. I had planned to try to meet up with them all some more during the festival, but didn't get around to it because of that damn parking meter.
But I was getting down... It seemed that even if I did go back to the festival and find them, it would be pointless. All I would do would be to hang around near them for a while, separate from them, not talking to them, not a part of anything, just an odd specter on the fringes of their activities... like during the march, and like last year (when I didn't march, but came to the festival).
I didn't even feel like going grocery shopping on the way back, like I had planned. I started crying on the drive back, and once those tears started, I desperately wanted to get back home so I could really let loose and cry.
Who am I to hang around them, anyway. I'm not even kinky. I haven't done anything kinky with anyone else, besides maybe rough sex, for over a year, it seems like. Nor have I any desire to.
It's sad. I found something that affected me a lot. I built a hope, a desire, to build a relationship with someone based on that, to find someone compatible with me in that respect. But not only did I not find someone compatible with me in that way, it also dashed my hopes and desires.
And I end up with someone who thinks titties and pussy are wonderful. And who doesn't like blue hair, and who doesn't think I'm important enough to tell me about his religion, and who probably wouldn't want to even be seen at a Pride Festival, not just because of worries of it impacting his job, but probably because it somehow goes against his religion or something, or because he wouldn't want his fellow church-members or other friends and family to see him there, because they're bigoted.
It felt a bit stressful after a while, feeling that I had to keep smiling (or my attempt at smiling), because I know that when I don't try to smile, my face looks downcast, and I'd hate for people to see a downcast person in the parade. And after a while of trying to keep on a smiling face, it begins to feel fake and awkward for me... and the noise was stressful too. But I managed. And I waved once in a while. And it was good.
Then I walked around the festival for a bit, and the noise there was loud. I would have liked to have just sat down for a while and watched things/people... or maybe go up to the swings for a while, and then back down... but the parking meter I had parked at was a 2-hour max, and my time was nearly up, so I had to go back. I could have put more money in, but around that time I started feeling down, and I didn't feel like going back, especially when I only had 3 quarters left, which meant I'd only be able to go back for one hour anyway. Fucking parking meter. Ruined my day.
But actually, I was feeling down because... being (alone) amongst so many people like that makes me feel so isolated, so separate. Sure, I had marched along with other members of my group, but I had only even exchanged greetings with a couple of them. (One of the simple basic social niceties, and I fail at it.) One of the group members, I didn't even recognize. After the parade, another guy commented on my blue hair... he was being friendly, I realized in retrospect after I got home. I had planned to try to meet up with them all some more during the festival, but didn't get around to it because of that damn parking meter.
But I was getting down... It seemed that even if I did go back to the festival and find them, it would be pointless. All I would do would be to hang around near them for a while, separate from them, not talking to them, not a part of anything, just an odd specter on the fringes of their activities... like during the march, and like last year (when I didn't march, but came to the festival).
I didn't even feel like going grocery shopping on the way back, like I had planned. I started crying on the drive back, and once those tears started, I desperately wanted to get back home so I could really let loose and cry.
Who am I to hang around them, anyway. I'm not even kinky. I haven't done anything kinky with anyone else, besides maybe rough sex, for over a year, it seems like. Nor have I any desire to.
It's sad. I found something that affected me a lot. I built a hope, a desire, to build a relationship with someone based on that, to find someone compatible with me in that respect. But not only did I not find someone compatible with me in that way, it also dashed my hopes and desires.
And I end up with someone who thinks titties and pussy are wonderful. And who doesn't like blue hair, and who doesn't think I'm important enough to tell me about his religion, and who probably wouldn't want to even be seen at a Pride Festival, not just because of worries of it impacting his job, but probably because it somehow goes against his religion or something, or because he wouldn't want his fellow church-members or other friends and family to see him there, because they're bigoted.