(no subject)

[darkoshi]

Besides calls from Forestfen and one wrong number, the last call I got on my cellphone was at the beginning of October. Before that, one near the end of August. There's really no reason for me to even turn it on except when I'm away from the house and want to make a call.

I noticed my cell-phone charger was making a faint high-pitched humming noise the other night while I was charging the phone. It worried me (visions of exploding batteries... fire breaking out...) but maybe it always makes that noise and I just never noticed before?

I watched another grim documentary on TV this evening. Sigh. I shouldn't have. I was already feeling somewhat down from my own thoughts during the day. Life seemed completely gruesome for a while there. Still would, if I let myself think about it.

Humans may on average be ignorant, mean, cruel, and/or prejudiced, but they've survived a long time. They survive well. That is a strength I suppose. Who am I to think we'd be better off if we were different. Humans just are the way they are. And apparently it is enough for them to keep on surviving.

Some people's profiles on the BDSM personals sites I look at say things like "Looking for that special lady" or "special woman" or "submissive woman", etc., and those words turn me off. I don't want someone who wants a lady or a woman. But that's what heterosexual guys want. And I'm female. And I'm mainly interested in guys. So I get heterosexual guys. Because there isn't anything else. And even when it isn't that, it's always something. I still almost hate getting replies to my own profile, because I can never imagine anything good coming from interacting with those people. The idea of whatever they must want seems horrible to me, even when I'm not sure what they want. Even though I get relatively few responses to my profile anyway. But I don't want to log in, because that will bring my name to the top of the list, and then I'll be more likely to get responses. And I don't want it. Because it's such a pain having to read them and look at their profile, and think oh my god no way that can't be no good leave me alone no thanks. And what's the point of having a profile on the site when I always react that way.

I should be in bed. It all seems so horrible.

It seemed so horrible today for a moment, thinking about my life... and even though I'm probably a third to a half way through it by now, thinking about having to endure a whole life like this from the beginning to the end... My mind cried out "No, no, I can't do it!", like a little child, seeing that ugly vision like a nightmare.

Comments

[edwarddain.livejournal.com]

While I have profiles on Collarme, Bondage.com, and even Alt.com I have never actually used them as actual sources for meeting people. I depend on meeting people face-to-face in kink-friendly social settings. The sites have a much greater snark value.

Hmmm... I haven't even logged on in awhile. I suppose I should,/i> do that now that I think about it...

[darkoshi]

Well, there was one nice person whom I did originally meet solely through bondage.com. And another nice person responded to my profile after having noticed me at a munch... we had also both been in the same local chatroom a few times. So the sites are not totally useless.

I am curious as to how collarme gets its funding, since they don't have paid accounts like bondage.com does, and they seem to only have a few small ads on their pages.

Honestly..?

[edwarddain.livejournal.com]

It's a pretty bare-bones site, and those are pretty cheap to run - and they started some VOD at one point which probably brings in some cash.

Hell, I certainly know people on them as well - usually having met in person first. What I think those various sites are great for is the forums, and I know one person who has met lots of people there and made a number of RL friends as well. The signal-to-noise ratio is still low, but they do have thier uses. It's just a very, very different environment from the public Scene and the shock to people's systems when they transition can be pretty big.

And bondage.com does have one of the best organized interest lists out there. Hell, it's worth having a profile there just for that.

Re: Honestly..?

[darkoshi]

I read the forums occasionally, but have yet to post anything there. Sort of like the ssbb Usenet group... I've been lurking there for years, but in all that time there's only been a very few times when I've felt like posting anything. I guess I still feel like a newbie in many respects, and that my comments either wouldn't be very helpful/informational, or not much use to anyone because I am such an oddball anyway.

Re: Honestly..?

[edwarddain.livejournal.com]

I tend to flip through the forums as well. I get my online kink discussion primarily through LJ - with my Flist I get a pretty diverse overall discussion. Over the next year I'll read them a bit more intently, but I'll probably not comment much. Maybe.

The best way to get over newbie status is to go out and meet people. It's scary as all hell, but it's worth doing. There are always people more experienced that you, but there are always people less as well. ;-)

And what about your "oddball status" makes you unworthy of commenting?

Re: Honestly..?

[darkoshi]

I'm even worse at meeting people in person than I am online. Come to think of it, all of the people I've started getting involved with so far, I initially met online. Even those 2 persons who noticed me at munches before we officially met - we did not introduce ourselves or speak to each other during the munches. They subsequently emailed or IM'd me.

Heheheh. That brings back the memory. Out of the blue, getting an IM from a stranger and wondering who the heck was he? And him writing, "I was sitting beside you at the last munch".

I'm still feel like it's a pretty big accomplishment for me those few times when I take the initiative to introduce myself to anyone else. Sad but true.

And what about your "oddball status" makes you unworthy of commenting?

I don't feel unworthy. But sometimes when I post things and get no replies, I end up feeling that noone else can relate to what I wrote, and that noone is really interested in my unusual thoughts or feelings anyway. Which isn't a good feeling. That makes me more cautious about what I post. And oftentimes (like on our local BDSM list here) I'll start replying to something, and then realize that my comment is only very indirectly related to the original topic. Then I ask myself why do I want to post this - is it really to discuss the topic, or just because I have an urge to post something... anything... and in those cases, I'll often decide not to post it after all.

Re: Honestly..?

[edwarddain.livejournal.com]

Fair enough, I was merely wondering and for an introspective sort I'm fairly outgoing. I just find online an odd place to initially interact with people because there are all sorts of social cues that I don't get.