Darkoshi

Besides calls from Forestfen and one wrong number, the last call I got on my cellphone was at the beginning of October. Before that, one near the end of August. There's really no reason for me to even turn it on except when I'm away from the house and want to make a call.

I noticed my cell-phone charger was making a faint high-pitched humming noise the other night while I was charging the phone. It worried me (visions of exploding batteries... fire breaking out...) but maybe it always makes that noise and I just never noticed before?

I watched another grim documentary on TV this evening. Sigh. I shouldn't have. I was already feeling somewhat down from my own thoughts during the day. Life seemed completely gruesome for a while there. Still would, if I let myself think about it.

Humans may on average be ignorant, mean, cruel, and/or prejudiced, but they've survived a long time. They survive well. That is a strength I suppose. Who am I to think we'd be better off if we were different. Humans just are the way they are. And apparently it is enough for them to keep on surviving.

Some people's profiles on the BDSM personals sites I look at say things like "Looking for that special lady" or "special woman" or "submissive woman", etc., and those words turn me off. I don't want someone who wants a lady or a woman. But that's what heterosexual guys want. And I'm female. And I'm mainly interested in guys. So I get heterosexual guys. Because there isn't anything else. And even when it isn't that, it's always something. I still almost hate getting replies to my own profile, because I can never imagine anything good coming from interacting with those people. The idea of whatever they must want seems horrible to me, even when I'm not sure what they want. Even though I get relatively few responses to my profile anyway. But I don't want to log in, because that will bring my name to the top of the list, and then I'll be more likely to get responses. And I don't want it. Because it's such a pain having to read them and look at their profile, and think oh my god no way that can't be no good leave me alone no thanks. And what's the point of having a profile on the site when I always react that way.

I should be in bed. It all seems so horrible.

It seemed so horrible today for a moment, thinking about my life... and even though I'm probably a third to a half way through it by now, thinking about having to endure a whole life like this from the beginning to the end... My mind cried out "No, no, I can't do it!", like a little child, seeing that ugly vision like a nightmare.

I seem to have this problem where whenever someone responds to my personals ad, which I've got up on a couple of bdsm sites, that my initial reaction upon reading their message and looking at their profile is negative and pessimistic... I feel like promptly responding in a polite but declining manner. Which is definitely not going to help me meet anyone.

I'm not sure if my initial negative reactions are truly warranted in all cases.. or if it's just a bad habit of mine... When someone I don't know talks to me or pays attention to me, my gut impulse is to get it over with and make it stop as quickly as possible.

But most people seem pretty nice once I do chat with them.

But if it says the guy smokes regularly, and I hate smoke... I mean, why even chat with them...? Although I did end up chatting with someone else who's a smoker, and he does seem quite cool.

Sigh.

I'm afraid. Afraid of talking to strangers. Afraid of getting into some situation that will make me uncomfortable.

Hmmm.